Staying married to a cheater

[confusedinkansas]

Holy Crap - Really Donna!

 

Nofool....I apologize for the threadjack.

I won't be answering any more questions - It's very obvious no matter what my answers are - Several posters here will never be satisfied with any of my replies.

[2sunny]

You didn't explain what made you consider the cheating... How did that come to be?

 

Knowing your weak and vulnerable areas is part of knowing what you can use as defense against ever considering it again...

 

Have you told your H what that is exactly - and how he can participate to narrow that margin?

[donnamaybe]

Holy Crap - Really Donna!

 

Nofool....I apologize for the threadjack.

I won't be answering any more questions - It's very obvious no matter what my answers are - Several posters here will never be satisfied with any of my replies.

It isn't a matter of anyone being "satisfied." It's a matter of the conclusions drawn based on someone's stated choices. You choose to continue to have small talk with your ex AP about your personal lives, and you choose to not try your best to block him. I draw a conclusion based on those choices. I also draw a conclusion based on your H's lack of caring over all this. Not that my conclusions matter to you, nor should they, but IMO this is not a healthy dynamic.

 

Maybe I'm the one who has things all wrong here, but I wouldn't feel very good about knowing my man was so lackadaisical over whether or not I was still maintaining contact with someone I was cheating with in the past.

[2sunny]

The fact the her H forgave without a long list of requirements shows evidence that he just may not care enough to require the M grow to a healthier level. Ignorance is bliss they say - :-(

 

IF my H didn't care enough to want more from the M - I would wonder why he's so damn empty that he he cares so little! Sweeping it under the rug isn't enough!

[donnamaybe]

It's too bad that some people bail on a thread when the conversation gets uncomfortable.

[beenburned]

Steadfast,

I'm so sorry.:D:o

 

I'm new around here, and still trying to figure out everyone's stories, and their labels.

 

I will go right now and read some of your old threads.

[2sunny]

It's too bad that some people bail on a thread when the conversation gets uncomfortable.

 

It's probably why her H doesn't make the effort to care - when trying to get at truth - and someone avoids giving it that much - it's too much effort to keep trying.

 

 

 

 

Maybe this tactic works for CIK - no wonder he doesn't care enough to want her truth - he knows he's never going to get that without an extreme amount of effort.

 

By the way - being evasive, half truth, justifying, blameshifting, avoiding answering, changing the subject and omissions are all still very viable forms of lying.

 

You use some of these tactics liberally. Even when asked direct questions - you avoid answering. I'm sure it's the same within your marriage and communication there.

 

I see nothing forthcoming about how you participate here... You shouldn't have to pull teeth to get honest answers... It tells everything you won't answer.

Edited February 2, 2012 by 2sunny

[donnamaybe]

It's probably why her H doesn't make the effort to care - when trying to get at truth - and someone avoids giving it that much - it's too much effort to keep trying.

 

 

 

Maybe this tactic works for CIK - no wonder he doesn't care enough to want her truth - he knows he's never going to get that without an extreme amount of effort.

 

By the way - being evasive, half truth, justifying, blameshifting, avoiding answering, changing the subject and omissions are all still very viable forms of lying.

 

You use some of these tactics liberally. Even when asked direct questions - you avoid answering. I'm sure it's the same within your marriage and communication there.

 

I see nothing forthcoming about how you participate here... You shouldn't have to pull teeth to get honest answers... It tells everything you won't answer.

 

Ah, very good insight! I hadn't put that together! That must be why he pretends not to care that contact is maintained. Any conversation about it will get shut down. What a sad situation for a BS to endure.

[confusedinkansas]

Ladies - Really?

You're kind of bordering on bullying. But that's OK I can take it.

The problem here is that I've answered all your questions but you've chosen to interjected your own ASSUMPTIONS along the way. Which is Awesome!

 

The thing is I could keep answering your questions - & you could continue to thread jack this particular thread - you'll just never be happy with the answers.

 

I'm not a drama queen & my husband isn't a drama king.

He has never been the guy that lets anything beat him down. Ever. Doesn't matter what it is & we've been thru much more & much worse than an infidelity. He is the definition of PMA - Positive Mental Attitude. He knows & has taught me that everything works out the way it does for a reason.

We're still together because we belong together & we're better together than apart. We've worked thru our indifferences (HIS & MINE) Sorry to burst your bubble but there really wasn't anything formal or anything that I can exactly put my finger on HOW we did it to feed your inquiry or to satisfy whatever it is you're trying to achieve here.

[donnamaybe]

Ladies - Really?

You're kind of bordering on bullying.

Um, no. We're not. But that's okay. We can take the accusations.

The problem here is that I've answered all your questions but you've chosen to interjected your own ASSUMPTIONS along the way.

Assumptions or drawn conclusions? Conclusions drawn, by the way, based on posting style, excuses for continued contact with an AP, and evasiveness coupled with an unusual reaction by a BS to an A. That's it. Nothing more.

 

As for TJ, which you state over and over, no. Your H stayed with a cheater. That is what this thread is about. That's what the questions have been about. How your H stayed with HIS cheater.

[Steadfast]

It's too bad that some people bail on a thread when the conversation gets uncomfortable.

 

You come across as somewhat overbearing, to be honest. That said, when you do make a recognizable point I generally agree. My 2-cents, FWIW.

 

(Which may not be worth much).

 

Steadfast,

I'm so sorry.:D:o

 

I'm new around here, and still trying to figure out everyone's stories, and their labels.

 

I will go right now and read some of your old threads.

 

Don't be. It's an honest mistake and (I'm a little uneasy about admitting this) it's not the first time I've been mistaken for a female here.

 

Let's make that clear! On LS, where I can display my feminine side...

[nofool4u]

2sonny: I agree completely with what you are saying, however CIK has never wavered from her story regarding her husbands ability to forgive and forget. In fact, she trumpets how wonderful her husband's attitude regarding her cheating is in many threads.

 

Yet she even has a post/thread about why she shouldn't be able to remain friends with her OM. Doesn't sound like she honors that attitude and forgiveness like she should.

 

But hey, if her H is ok with it, thats on him if he wants to just not give a crap about anything.

[nofool4u]

Holy Crap - Really Donna!

 

Nofool....I apologize for the threadjack.

 

Don't worry about it, I don't mind at all. Every thread is jacked because the discussion evolves.

[2sunny]

Yet she even has a post/thread about why she shouldn't be able to remain friends with her OM. Doesn't sound like she honors that attitude and forgiveness like she should.

 

But hey, if her H is ok with it, thats on him if he wants to just not give a crap about anything.

 

From her threads - he drinks too much and lies... So that is what she lives with - its his priority - so maybe he doesn't care what she does - since he's not present anyway (the alcohol will always "alter him).

 

If she really intended no contact - she'd block the OM completely - yet she wants to "be friends" - there's no "being friends" when you've ended an affair (after having sex) while married. Completely disrespect for the M!

 

CIK moves away from direct answers when asked = it's still a form of lying... I think she's lying to herself... But won't admit it.

 

CIK - you don't trust or respect your hubby - that is evidence from what you type - why are you in the M?

[donnamaybe]

You come across as somewhat overbearing, to be honest.

I tend to give back what I get.

 

That said, when you do make a recognizable point I generally agree. My 2-cents, FWIW.

So you're saying we have the same philosophy about many things but probably wouldn't be able to live with each other.

[nofool4u]

From her threads - he drinks too much and lies... So that is what she lives with - its his priority - so maybe he doesn't care what she does - since he's not present anyway (the alcohol will always "alter him).

 

Exactly. A man without those demons/vices, whatever you want to call them, WILL be upset with a wife's infidelity and isn't just going to brush it off and "forgive and forget" immediately.

[2sunny]

Exactly. A man without those demons/vices, whatever you want to call them, WILL be upset with a wife's infidelity and isn't just going to brush it off and "forgive and forget" immediately.

 

So CIK bought into the illusion that her hubby is capable of making a conscious decision to forgive and forget - its completely NOT possible if he's a solid drinker! Alcohol shrinks the conscience area of the brain that is capable of making sound decisions...

 

She's working from a delusion aspect in dealing with him... He's not processing clearly. I speak from experience... He's not present - especially since he lies and covers up his drinking - he may not even remember that she has cheated...

[2sunny]

Ladies - Really?

You're kind of bordering on bullying. But that's OK I can take it.

The problem here is that I've answered all your questions but you've chosen to interjected your own ASSUMPTIONS along the way. Which is Awesome!

 

The thing is I could keep answering your questions - & you could continue to thread jack this particular thread - you'll just never be happy with the answers.

 

I'm not a drama queen & my husband isn't a drama king.

He has never been the guy that lets anything beat him down. Ever. Doesn't matter what it is & we've been thru much more & much worse than an infidelity. He is the definition of PMA - Positive Mental Attitude. He knows & has taught me that everything works out the way it does for a reason.

We're still together because we belong together & we're better together than apart. We've worked thru our indifferences (HIS & MINE) Sorry to burst your bubble but there really wasn't anything formal or anything that I can exactly put my finger on HOW we did it to feed your inquiry or to satisfy whatever it is you're trying to achieve here.

 

No bullying - just asked you for clarity based on info you typed! Big difference.

 

Then it lead me to look at your back posts - only to find that your H lies and drinks a lot.

 

There's no great revelation in my conclusion... You avoid giving your truth... Because it works. H doesn't want it either because his agenda is to lie and drink.

 

That's not MY idea of a healthy M that has done the REPAIR work necessary to have a happy reconciliation - that just shows evidence of avoiding the M completely!

 

You call it marriage - id call it hell.

 

No repair work... No happiness. Same unhappy that lead to the cheating. Also - if your hubby is drinking like that - it's HIS form of cheating on you - with his alcohol.

 

Chew on that truth for a while. He's not present = he's cheating...

[confusedinkansas]

I'm guessing that with your blinders on MANY BS's don't believe that marriages change or evolve. Well that's ok. I understand

Everything that's being brought up now - YES they were issues. Were being the operative word.

These things, the drinking, lying etc......no longer an issue. As with my A. No longer an issue.

Thank you for reminding me how far we've come in the last few years.

[2sunny]

Um ok...

 

So he no longer drinks or lies? How can you know for sure?

[confusedinkansas]

I know because he doesn't come home drunk every night of the week like he had done for years.

Which means, he's not in the bar & then in turn not lying about where he is.

It's rather calm & peaceful at our house now.

[misternoname]

I stayed...BIG mistake! She cheated again (and again). I wish I had gotten out years ago. Finally did and I'm a much happier, confident person. IMHO the risk you take by staying is not worth the time it takes to see if it can work.

[SoMovinOn]

i think you are wrong regarding those that reconcile equates to settling. to me, settling is having an affair with a person;

 

Settling is settling, in any instance. There's no rule that it can only apply to one situation.

 

... not those in love and wanting to be with the one they love.

 

To the point they want it so bad, they think so little of themselves, they are willing to stay with someone who has proven he/she will lie to them, betray them, hurt them...

 

 

i believe in past posts you talk about how you have cheated on several women. have you ever had an honest, cheat-free relationship?

 

Yes. I was faithful to my current wife for our entire M.

 

When did you start your affair with the mw you are having an affair with?

 

I started spending time with her a couple of weeks after I split with my W. The A started about 7 months later.

 

 

Why do you settle for being her 2nd choice?

 

Why do you think I'm her second choice? Why do you assume I am settling for anything in any way? Settling is having less than what you want. How do you know what I want?

 

... and since you seem to believe "once a cheat, always a cheat", if the mw you are having an affair with ever leaves her spouse, do you believe she will remain faithful to you?

 

Nope. Given what I know, I don't think anyone can be trusted to remain faithful, given the right circumstances.

 

 

you say you got past your wife's affairs in a short time; is that because you were having an affair yourself?

 

No. Why do you feel the need to alter reality?

 

if you are past it, why are you getting ready to kick her out?

 

For a lot of reasons.

 

you don't believe in hanging onto things?

 

No. Hanging on after it's over is just desperation.

 

 

how long are you going to hang onto your mw's decision to stay married?

 

For as long as she wants to be married.

 

 

you may think people don't let go of things in a timely manner, but that is just your opinion.

 

Yup, based on decades of experience and observation. They even have shows about hoarders. Society teaches quitting is losing. Holding on to something after it's over is losing, but, people have a hard time accepting that.

 

should someone get over their spouse dying of cancer? should someone get over being physically abused by a spouse?

 

No. Why do you ask? Should someone hold on to someone who abuses them?

 

seems very callous and uncaring.

 

It not only seems so, it is. Why would you ask such a foolish question?

 

 

some people take longer to process things. is there a timetable listed some where on the acceptable time limits for issues?

 

Nope. Everyone does things in their own time.

 

should i get over a friends suicide within a year? should my best friend dying of a brain bleed be something i get over in a couple months?

 

You should get over it whenever you're ready to.

 

 

why do you get to decide when people should get over it?

 

Why do you get to invent alternate realities and ask me foolish questions about them?

 

 

have you ever been in a healthy relationship for longer than a couple years?

 

Yes. Have you ever been in a healthy relationship, or have you always settled?

 

 

i ask because you seem very cold hearted and callous. i cannot image how the mw you are in an affair with will be able to accept your limits with any pain or anguish she may experience.

 

You ask because you are clueless about who or how I am. You ask because you invent your own version of who I am.

[anne1707]

Why do you get to invent alternate realities and ask me foolish questions about them?

 

....

 

You ask because you are clueless about who or how I am. You ask because you invent your own version of who I am.

 

SMO

 

You object to posters making judgments about your relationship and get annoyed when they see it in a different way to you.

 

How do you reconcile your attitude above to the one you demonstrated earlier in this thread?

 

 

I think people who "reconcile" settle. I think they lie to themselves. The cheating spouse can do whatever, things can seem to go fine for years or maybe decades, but the minute she's not where she's supposed to be, or you see something even remotely suspicious - you remember why you feel that way, because you *know* what she's capable of.

 

Aren't you doing the very same thing you are now accusing Hockeyfan of doing?

[SoMovinOn]

You object to posters making judgments about your relationship and get annoyed when they see it in a different way to you.

 

There is a vast difference between making judgements, seeing things in a different way, and creating alternate realities which don't exist.

 

HockeyFan suggested I got over my W's A's because I was involved in my own A. That's not seeing something differently - I was not involved in an A until after my W and I split. I was not involved in an A until years after my W's A's, until more than a year after D-Day. I was over my W's A's long before I ever got involved with my MW.

 

 

Aren't you doing the very same thing you are now accusing Hockeyfan of doing?

 

Nope.

 

The tactic I see used here at times is along the lines of asking someone "When did you stop beating your wife?" ... where any answer seems to presume you *are* beating your wife, even though you are not and never have.