Staying married to a cheater

[confusedinkansas]

Doesn't seem to me to be any value in staying in a relationship if you feel that way about your partner...which is why I equally applaud those who realize that they'll always feel that way and choose to divorce, and those who are able to reconcile and rebuild without compromising and ending up with a relationship such as you described.

 

Which is why I've said on here before - (& usually get bashed from here to next week for it) the BS that cries, moans & groans for 20 years after a D-Day is WRONG. If you can't handle it then get out.

Otherwise, shut your pie hole & get on with life.

I know, sounds harsh but in truth if you're a WS & you CHOOSE to stay shouldn't you be taking steps to get past looking at your partner in disgust for years on end? Get on with life & do damage control..... Right?

Yes I realize that the WS needs to do their share of the 'work' too.

 

 

Now, if you are the person who knows beyond a shadow of a doubt you won't be able to "Get on with life" then you are doing yourself & your spouse a disservice staying in a marriage. Wrong & Sad.

Edited January 12, 2012 by confusedinkansas

[beenburned]

Spark,

The double standards are alive and well in affairs. Most MM/MW do not want their spouse to be doing what they are.(or their OW either)

 

We could do a whole thread of this topic.

[nofool4u]

And it sounds to me as though the few posters that we have that have reconciled their marriages don't "look at their spouse in disgust from time to time" from the responses we've seen directly answering that question.

 

There was one that eluded that they feel this way somewhat. But not too many people, I think, that are trying to reconcile would admit this. I would admit it if I were still married to my X. But then again, one of the reasons I left her. Don't want to sit around all the time looking at someone that disgusts me.

 

 

Doesn't seem to me to be any value in staying in a relationship if you feel that way about your partner

 

I completely agree.

 

...which is why I equally applaud those who realize that they'll always feel that way and choose to divorce

 

I also agree, but wouldn't look badly upon someone that stayed for whatever reason and still held some resentment. They were basically abused emotionally. Sometimes I think the thought of having your life turned upside down by divorce(temporarily) is too much for some to consider and they stay, and hold the resentment.

[nofool4u]

Which is why I've said on here before - (& usually get bashed from here to next week for it) the BS that cries, moans & groans for 20 years after a D-Day is WRONG.

 

No, they are not wrong. Its my belief that they simply don't like the idea of their lives turned upside down by divorce, as if being cheated on wasn't bad enough.

 

But you, like in one particular thread, instead of trying to help this guy overcome the thoughts in his head, you decided to insult him. It was his WIFE that was wrong for cheating. And yes, 20 years later he still has triggers, as will most people who reconcile and the marriage survive. That guy wasn't even saying he looks at her with complete disgust. Just simply that he can't shake the vision, which, I'm sorry CIK, nobody that is betrayed can. A person can forgive, but they'll never forget. He was hurting, and you decided to insult him.

 

 

If you can't handle it then get out.

 

If his wife couldn't handle being faithful, she should have gotten out.

 

Again, he has triggers like everyone will. He wasn't frying her at the stake or anything. You just don't like it when one of your fellow cheaters does what they do, abuse their BS emotionally, then think you have the right to tell him how he should feel. Sorry, it doesn't work that way.

 

Now if the guy said he forgave her, but for 20 years lashes out at her and yells at her, then you might have a point. But the man had feelings, and you decided to ***** on them.

 

Otherwise, shut your pie hole & get on with life.

 

Yup, the unremorseful cheaters crutch. "I cheated, so what, get over it"

 

 

I know, sounds harsh but in truth if you're a WS & you CHOOSE to stay shouldn't you be taking steps to get past looking at your partner in disgust for years on end? Get on with life & do damage control..... Right?

 

I agree, which is why I won't stay with a cheater.

 

But again, the guy you denigrated wasn't looking at his partner in disgust. He just had triggers.

[confusedinkansas]

 

Yup, the unremorseful cheaters crutch. "I cheated, so what, get over it"

Never once have I said or insinuated this -

You are taking what I said completely out of context.

 

 

 

I agree, which is why I won't stay with a cheater.

 

But again, the guy you denigrated wasn't looking at his partner in disgust. He just had triggers.

 

Your thread isn't about that guy. Which I didn't denigrated(?)

 

Triggers are one thing - But your thread is about looking at your partner in disgust. I'm just saying that if you're going to be that guy after D-day - then YES you should move on. If you decide to stay then both parties need to find a way to get past what's happened & move on with their lives.

[donnamaybe]

Which is why I've said on here before - (& usually get bashed from here to next week for it) the BS that cries, moans & groans for 20 years after a D-Day is WRONG. If you can't handle it then get out.

Otherwise, shut your pie hole & get on with life.

I know, sounds harsh but in truth if you're a WS & you CHOOSE to stay shouldn't you be taking steps to get past looking at your partner in disgust for years on end? Get on with life & do damage control..... Right?

Yes I realize that the WS needs to do their share of the 'work' too.

 

 

Now, if you are the person who knows beyond a shadow of a doubt you won't be able to "Get on with life" then you are doing yourself & your spouse a disservice staying in a marriage. Wrong & Sad.

I have NEVER seen anyone on this forum agree that a BS moaning and groaning for 20 years after D day is okay.

[nofool4u]

Your thread isn't about that guy.

 

You brought it up that you have been slammed for saying those things to him. You didn't mention the exact thread, but I knew which one it was.

 

You don't get to bring it up, then say, "your thread isn't about that guy".

 

 

Which I didn't denigrated(?)

 

Yes you did, called him a whiner, and dismissed his pain as bitching and complaining.

 

Its not up for debate, you did it. End of story.

 

 

Triggers are one thing- But your thread is about looking at your partner in disgust. I'm just saying that if you're going to be that guy after D-day - then YES you should move on. If you decide to stay then both parties need to find a way to get past what's happened & move on with their lives.

 

I agree, need to move on if the WS is making you that miserable. But I am not going to look down on someone that was abused and can't shake the feeling of betrayal. You know me, I will always advise that there is a better life out there without a cheater.

[confusedinkansas]

I agree, need to move on if the WS is making you that miserable. But I am not going to look down on someone that was abused and can't shake the feeling of betrayal. You know me, I will always advise that there is a better life out there without a cheater.

 

I agree with the bolded ......FOR SOME

It's just not for everyone. Some realize that they are much better off & happier in the long run staying together & figuring things out.

[Spark1111]

Spark,

The double standards are alive and well in affairs. Most MM/MW do not want their spouse to be doing what they are.(or their OW either)

 

We could do a whole thread of this topic.

 

BB, I have beaten that horse until it is dead and buried farunder.

 

All the excuses, the kids, the assets, the inlaws.

 

What is wrong with being HONEST? Separate, seek MC, pursue your feelings for another and allow me to date also, to see if there is a better match out there for me????

 

Do OW/OM ever ask THAT question? Why don't you tell your spouse the truth and separate?

 

Would it have been painful? Oh yeah, but at least he would have maintained his honesty and integrity. It's called doing the right thing. It is what grown ups do when feeling conflicted.

 

Not only do affairs thrive in all the hot intensity of secrecy, but it also controls the actions of the BS in not allowing them the same romantic oppourtunities.....and that secrecy is strictly about controlling the actions of the spouse you probably have no intentions of leaving. Real cake-eating behavior.

 

OW/OM do you get that?

 

Sorry for the t/j nf4u.

[SoMovinOn]

What hurt with the infidelity was the lying and deceit. THAT was so damn intentional, as opposed to job loss, addictions, illness.

 

Big difference in my book, and I think, most other's as well.

 

Were they all poor choices? Yep, but I see differences in intent between your examples.

 

My intention though is to discuss those instances where there is no difference - losing a job, addictions... can, and do sometimes involve lying and deceit. With a job loss, they may be slacking at working, going in late, coming home early, lying to you about what they are doing, lying to you about why they no longer have a job (cut backs vs. fired for cause) ... even cases where people get up in the morning, leave the house and stay gone all day, to give the impression they are going to work, when the reality is they lost their job.

 

Addictions are regularly cause for lies and deceit, to extremes at times.

 

So, while I get the answer that some examples are very different from an A, I am still curious to hear some answers about those examples that are not different from an A - those examples that *do* involve lies, deceit & betrayal, just as much as any A, yet in those cases, the response seems to generally be very different. Somehow, secretly sticking heroin into your body, lying about it, hiding it, using the rent money to buy it, destroying your life and your family life, is all bad, but you need help, you have a problem, whereas sticking your penis into another woman is the end of the world for everyone.

Why?

 

He said: I thought I could control it. I never wanted to lose you. I could NEVER handle you dating another man.

 

OMG. Double-standard much????

 

Of course, that speaks to the hypothetical situation and imagined response. He says he couldn't handle you dating, but, if he *had* been honest and said he wanted to explore another relationship, and you responded that you'd expect the same latitude, at that moment in time, he very well may have been ok with it, at least, enough to agree to it. He didn't try, so he can't really know right?

 

... and, "I thought I could control it..." that's the mantra of the addict, right?

[PinkInTheLimo]

How does that make sense? "For better or for worse, unless it actually gets worse"?

 

Worse for me is drama which is caused by fate. I have very little empathy for drama which is caused by a choice. I think that in those cases it is totally justified to leave your partner. Because a partner who harms you is not a partner, that's your enemy.

[donnamaybe]

My intention though is to discuss those instances where there is no difference - losing a job, addictions... can, and do sometimes involve lying and deceit. With a job loss, they may be slacking at working, going in late, coming home early, lying to you about what they are doing, lying to you about why they no longer have a job (cut backs vs. fired for cause) ... even cases where people get up in the morning, leave the house and stay gone all day, to give the impression they are going to work, when the reality is they lost their job.

 

Addictions are regularly cause for lies and deceit, to extremes at times.

 

So, while I get the answer that some examples are very different from an A, I am still curious to hear some answers about those examples that are not different from an A - those examples that *do* involve lies, deceit & betrayal, just as much as any A, yet in those cases, the response seems to generally be very different. Somehow, secretly sticking heroin into your body, lying about it, hiding it, using the rent money to buy it, destroying your life and your family life, is all bad, but you need help, you have a problem, whereas sticking your penis into another woman is the end of the world for everyone.

Why?

 

 

 

Of course, that speaks to the hypothetical situation and imagined response. He says he couldn't handle you dating, but, if he *had* been honest and said he wanted to explore another relationship, and you responded that you'd expect the same latitude, at that moment in time, he very well may have been ok with it, at least, enough to agree to it. He didn't try, so he can't really know right?

 

... and, "I thought I could control it..." that's the mantra of the addict, right?

That's another thread. This one is about staying with a cheater.

[SoMovinOn]

That's another thread. This one is about staying with a cheater.

 

Yes. Exactly what I am discussing.

 

People stay with their addicted spouses, support them through rehab and whatever else.

 

People stay with their spouse who lies and betrays them in regard to job loss, they support them through dealing with the loss and finding a new job.

 

People find out their spouse cheats, and it's a whole different ball game. They don't want to stay with them, even though the situations are the same. Why is their response different?

[goldengirl86]

Staying your your spouse based on job loss etc, as apposed to staying with them because they is cheated is completly different you cannot even compare the two. There is a reason why in the bible adultery is the one sin you can divorce your spouse for, in the ancient times if you cheated on your h/w you were punished by death. (heck as an OW, id be stoned to death which right now seems pretty appealing).

 

People stay with a cheater for various reasons, but there is always going to be for the most part something broken in the relationship.

 

I mean if 33% of relationships marked by adulery make it to 5 years and only half of these are happy, then the odds are not looking good. And define happy!!! Happy yes, but always remembering and never forgetting the betrayal for as long as you live, seems kinda horrible and no way to live. I mean on your death bed what are you going to say, he was a good husband/wife for the most part except....

 

If it works for you than great, but it is all wrong and it seems to me in alot of ways there is no going back, and the future with them is always going to be tainted by what he/or she did, which is why i think alot of people never get past it.

[woinlove]

Yes. Exactly what I am discussing.

 

People stay with their addicted spouses, support them through rehab and whatever else.

 

People stay with their spouse who lies and betrays them in regard to job loss, they support them through dealing with the loss and finding a new job.

 

People find out their spouse cheats, and it's a whole different ball game. They don't want to stay with them, even though the situations are the same. Why is their response different?

 

Some people stay with addicted spouses, but others leave. Some marriages break up due to alcoholism or drug abuse. I suspect there are some parallels. Those who had good marriages before the addiction/infidelity and who see their spouse doing the hard word required to change, may stay and find they can trust a former addict or former WS and have a happy M again.

 

People can change, although many (most?) do not. But those who do change may have learned a lot about themselves and about relationships.

[SoMovinOn]

Some people stay with addicted spouses, but others leave. Some marriages break up due to alcoholism or drug abuse. I suspect there are some parallels. Those who had good marriages before the addiction/infidelity and who see their spouse doing the hard word required to change, may stay and find they can trust a former addict or former WS and have a happy M again.

 

People can change, although many (most?) do not. But those who do change may have learned a lot about themselves and about relationships.

 

Good points. I've also pondered the reality of staying with a known cheater vs. ending up with someone else - who is an unknown. With the known cheater, it's possible they've "learned their lesson" and won't repeat the mistake. Getting rid of them, to end up with someone who you just *know* would never cheat on you, puts you back at square one (because the spouse who cheated on you was once someone who you just *know* would never cheat on you).

[donnamaybe]

There is just something about the thought of the man who is supposed to be true to you getting his cock hard and sticking it inside some other woman that would just make me want to that cannot compare with something like losing a job.

[MissBee]

I was wondering about hearing opinions from some people that either stayed with their cheating spouse, or those that would wonder what their mindset would be IF they stay with a cheating spouse.

 

I have no doubt that there are many people that stay in their marriage and can "survive" and that even though they can't forget, they can get to a point of some sort of normalcy again where the affair doesn't eat them alive.

 

I admit that I wouldn't be able to be that person. I think if I had stayed in my marriage for the wrong reasons, my kids, that even if I got to a point where the affair didn't bother like it did when it was fresh, that I'd still look at her from time to time and think to myself, "b!tch".

 

Which is exactly the reason I didn't stay, other than the fact I'd never have trusted her again.

 

So the question is are there any of you out there that stayed, recovered somewhat, but still look at your spouse with disgust from time to time?

 

Or if you aren't in that situation and imagine you stayed with a cheating spouse, do you think you'd silently cuss your spouse out in your mind here and there, maybe as some sort of hidden therapeutic outlet?

 

I grew up with a mom who took back a cheating dad time and again...but he never changed and their relationship has deteriorated to them being parents and people who live together without any visible romance. My mom does not trust him, for good reason, and carries a lot of resentment, hence they always get into it. With that context, I find that I am super sensitive to not wanting to repeat that and therefore my reflex response is to throw the towel in and to have a zero tolerance policy.

 

They have NEVER worked on their issues though so that's the first problem. I do believe a relationship can survive cheating and thrive if BOTH parties are open, honest, want it to work and have the right tools.

 

I cannot say that I would immediately leave a cheating spouse...it depends on the particulars. I can see myself leaning more towards the unforgiving side though. What I do know for sure is that if we decide to work on it and decide on counseling, and if some time has passed, but I cannot get over it and I am always punishing you or paranoid...I will walk. There is no point then. You won't be happy and I won't be happy. I can't live a life in resentment or throwing it in your face in arguments and so on, and that person cannot live forever like that. It's not fair to either person. Sometimes when you cross the line it is hard to uncross it, even with good intentions. I'd have to decide in that situation whether or not we could continue on and have a good relationship and if the work was worth it, or if it would be better to move on.

Edited January 16, 2012 by MissBee

[beenburned]

DM,

That's for sure!

[PinkInTheLimo]

There is just something about the thought of the man who is supposed to be true to you getting his cock hard and sticking it inside some other woman that would just make me want to that cannot compare with something like losing a job.

 

Exactly! That's how I also feel about it.

[frozensprouts]

Yes. Exactly what I am discussing.

 

People stay with their addicted spouses, support them through rehab and whatever else.

 

People stay with their spouse who lies and betrays them in regard to job loss, they support them through dealing with the loss and finding a new job.

 

People find out their spouse cheats, and it's a whole different ball game. They don't want to stay with them, even though the situations are the same. Why is their response different?

 

people respond to their partner cheating in very different ways...sometimes , it depends upon the circumstances surround the affair, and for some it depends upon their own ability to forgive their partners actions . If someone can't forgive and they know this and they choose to end their relationship, i think that's a very brave choice to make. They choose to do what is right for them ( and, ultimately, their spouse) in the long run.

 

cheating on your spouse seems very different than a drug addiction, losing one's job, etc., as none of these are a direct "attack" on their marriage...cheating can certainly be viewed in that light.

 

Besides, who's to say what is right for everyone...each person has to make that choice for themselves. Either way you look at it, whether you choose to stay or whether you choose to go, healing from your spouses infidelity is often a very difficult and drawn out process.

[Eve]

Personally, I don't think I could be bothered to reconcile.

 

I think I would be obsessed with having to see who she was and what she captured in my Hubby to convince him to stray. So I would pay her a visit.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[beenburned]

SMO,

 

When your spouse has unprotected sex with an OW/OM, they are exposing you to STDs, some of which are life threatening.

 

That in NO WAY compares to the other types of losses you mentioned.

[SoMovinOn]

There is just something about the thought of the man who is supposed to be true to you getting his cock hard and sticking it inside some other woman that would just make me want to that cannot compare with something like losing a job.

 

Exactly my point. Lying and betrayal are lying an betrayal. The fact that so many people get hung up on what would seem the less important part (i.e., what the lying and betrayal is about), is mind boggling.

[SoMovinOn]

SMO,

 

When your spouse has unprotected sex with an OW/OM, they are exposing you to STDs, some of which are life threatening.

 

That in NO WAY compares to the other types of losses you mentioned.

 

Not losses - things about which people lie to and betray their spouses, destruction of trust...

 

Some drug users also place their spouse at risk of STD's and other medical dangers.