Wife says "all I get from you is pushback!" WTF?

[Deanster]

Sorry, in upset ranty mode atm.

 

Wife and I are talking briefly after kids leave for school this am. She sees I'm upset (unusual for her to notice, but I appreciated it), and asked what's up.

 

I tell her that I'm upset because our 9 y/o son is clearly stressed out about something, and is having a hard time explaining what it is, and I'm worried about him. I'm also worried about our 12 y/o daughter, who has gained a bunch of weight in the last couple months, despite playing soccer on a club team and doing karate - she's spending most of the rest of her free time reading, and that much sedentary time is causing trouble, despite her sports. I took her to her annual physical 2 days ago, and the Pediatrician essentially read me the riot act about her weight, and that's been weighing on me.

 

My wife just jumps on this, and says she's glad that the Pediatrician reached me, because she's been trying to work on this for years, but 'all she gets from me is pushback.'

 

I'm unbelievably hurt and frustrated. I support her in EVERYTHING. I ask every day 'how can I help things go well for you today'. I go with the kids 3x a week to Karate, take the classes myself, and spent 6 months of daily work helping our daughter get ready for her junior black belt test. Same story with soccer. 4x a week, and I take her to all the practices, help her with gear, everything.

 

My wife wanted to try going dairy/wheat free over the summer, and I signed up, did it with her, supported her when the kids freaked out/push back, etc. Same story over and over... I support her a million times over around the kids, food, school, her work, school, social life, etc., and she tends to consistently feel like I'm not on her side, despite my constant offers to take the kids so she can go do all these things, my lion's share of the housework, bills, and encouragement that she should be able to do the things she wants to, etc.

 

I'm certainly not perfect, in a wide variety of ways. Like any interaction between men/women, I'm sure there's things I could do better, or times when I miss the boat, or where I'm not doing exactly what she had in mind, etc. etc. But the idea that all I offer her is 'pushback' on this issue or any other is... insane.

 

I understand that's how she feels, and she's not just lashing out, or trying to hurt me. But it's just so far from the reality that I have a hard time not just throwing up my hands and walking away. I don't need constant validation or support, but the total rejection of everything I do, and lumping it all together as 'all I get is pushback' makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing here.

 

I am pushing back on the idea that I do nothing but push back.

[Downtown]

Deanster, in Gerhard's thread you mention that your W may be a BPDer, i.e., may have strong BPD traits, regardless of whether they are above or below the diagnostic level. If she does have a strong pattern of such traits, I would interpret the observed dysfunctional behaviors as I discuss below.

My wife just jumps on this, and says she's glad that the Pediatrician reached me, because she's been trying to work on this for years, but 'all she gets from me is pushback.'

It is common for BPDers to frequently use all-or-nothing terms and expressions such as "all you ever do...," "you always...," and "you never...." The reason for this is that a BPDer has a stunted emotional development that typically was frozen at about age 3 or 4, leaving them stuck with the primitive ego defenses that are available to young children.

 

One of these defenses, which protects their egos by sheltering them from seeing too much of reality at one time, is black-white thinking. Another reason for relying heavily on B-W thinking is that they are extremely uncomfortable dealing with strong mixed feelings and ambiguities. The result is that a BPDer will categorize everyone (including herself) as "all good" or "all bad" -- and will recategorize you from one polar extreme to the other in only ten seconds, based soley on a minor comment or action. Significantly, they see no middle ground or gray area in which to categorize you. This likely is why, then, any infraction on your part elicits such outrageous claims that you "are never supportive" and "are always giving nothing but pushback."

 

As absurd as those claims are, your W likely believes them at the moment she is saying them. If she is a BPDer, she has little skill in intellectually challenging her intense feelings and has little impulse control. Her intense feelings therefore constitute "reality," as she perceives it.

But the idea that all I offer her is 'pushback' on this issue or any other is... insane.

No, not insane. That would imply she had lost touch with physical reality, which BPDers see just fine. The part of her perception that is distorted by the intense feelings is her perception of other peoples' motivations and intentions. This is why full-blown BPD is said to constitute a "thought distortion."

 

But such distortions are not restricted to BPDers. On the contrary, we all experience them every time we have intense feelings. This is why we don't trust our own judgment when we become infatuated with someone. And this is why, when we are extremely angry, we know to wait until we cool down before taking action or saying anything. BPDers therefore differ from us in degree, not in kind.

I'm unbelievably hurt and frustrated. I support her in EVERYTHING. I ask every day 'how can I help things go well for you today'.

Of course it is hurtful to see repeatedly that a BPDer loved one is incapable of appreciating your sacrifices for more than a few days. As soon as the next mood change occurs, the intense feelings will wash aside any appreciation that existed. Hence, trying to build a store of good will or gratitude -- on which you could draw during the bad times -- is as futile as trying to build a lasting sand castle beside the sea. It will be washed away with the next emotional tide.

I don't need constant validation or support, but the total rejection of everything I do, and lumping it all together as 'all I get is pushback' makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing here.

If your W is a BPDer and is unwilling to stay in therapy for several years, her dysfunctional behavior is unlikely to improve by very much. Moreover, you cannot do a thing to fix her. I therefore suggest you read more about BPD -- as you are doing by acquiring a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells. And, while you are waiting for the book, you may want to take a look at my description of what it is like to live with a typical BPDer -- in Pat's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3736365#post3736365. I provide additional information in Rebel's thread, where my posts start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3398735#post3398735. If those discussions are helpful, I would be glad to discuss them with you or point you to excellent online resources. Take care, Deanster.

[Deanster]

Thanks for the thoughts and links.

 

Thanks to the Kindle, I'm about halfway through 'Stop Walking on Eggshells', and my wife certainly sounds right on target for their description of a high-functioning Borderliner, from dysfunctional family with alternating disinterest and abuse to her constant criticism and projection.

 

It's scary how comprehensively I'd been able to describe what's going on prior to reading the book - it reads much like some of my journal entries on the topic. (though obviously they have more clinical background).

 

I'll let you know how it goes when I get to the chapters on how to work with a Borderliner - probably have a bit of free time tomorrow after I take my daughter to soccer and clean the kitchen.

 

I'm both grateful to know that there's something specific going on, rather than that she's just an occasional lunatic. But I'm disheartened by the prognosis as I understand it so far, and as you lay it out above... seems like it's at best a long and painful path, and at worst, a forlorn hope.

 

Sigh. At least I get to take my daughter to soccer, and watch some football this weekend.

[robf1971]

but 'all she gets from me is pushback.'

 

Calm, firm voice,

 

Wife I feel very disrespected when you speak to me like that, until we can discuss the issue sensibly like adults this conversation is over.

 

Then walk away and do your stuff, no need to be nasty

[robf1971]

I'm unbelievably hurt and frustrated. I support her in EVERYTHING. I ask every day 'how can I help things go well for you today'. I go with the kids 3x a week to Karate, take the classes myself, and spent 6 months of daily work helping our daughter get ready for her junior black belt test. Same story with soccer. 4x a week, and I take her to all the practices, help her with gear, everything.

 

.

 

Tell you what,

 

Hand your wife the car keys one day, tell her to take the kids herself, your going to meet some friends at the pub.

 

There is a lack of respect for you because you are doing too much for her. She wants to criticise you on the kids? let her do it herself.

 

She's a grown woman let her take 50% burden on the kids..

[sunshinegirl]

I don't know about the BPD side of things, but in your OP her single sentence of "all I get from you is pushback" clearly triggered you. You subsequently went on to name a dozen specific ways you support her. Here's my question: did you ask her what specific examples she has of how you have pushed back?

 

Who knows but it's some specific thing or things that have got her upset, and she poorly verbalized them in an all-or-nothing kind of way. Rather than fly off the handle at her poor phrasing and its imbedded accusation, could you look past it for a moment to find out if there's anything substantive there?

[Deanster]

Thanks all for your thoughts.

 

Sunshinegirl - you are of course correct. Her single sentence couldn't/wouldn't/shouldn't trigger me in isolation. In this case it's the current instance of a long pattern in which she describes herself as the only one who does any housework, the victim of all of our thoughtlessness, and the only one who cares about health/food and a wide variety of kid stuff.

 

Some of it is totally legit. I'm imperfect in a wide variety of ways, and make my own contributions to relationship stress.

 

I'm both currently over-sensitive to her sweeping statements, and over-responsive to accusations of any sort. I'm feeling pretty raw, given the near-constant stream of upset and accusations. So, I both recognize the reality of my reactive-ness, and feel like I'm more engaged and patient overall than anyone could reasonably expect.

 

My reaction wasn't a high point, for sure. But... I also feel like I've done a lot of damage to myself by being excessively willing to 'see if there's anything substantive here', giving her the benefit of the doubt beyond reason, and taking on way more than 50% of the responsibility for... everything.

 

Perhaps there's a point where being willing to be responsible for my part, take ownership of my contribution to conflict, and to see her side of things goes too far, and enables some really outrageous behavior on her part?