Admitted feelings to guy friend- wasn't really rejected?

[Country_Girl]

So I was dating a guy for the last month but I'm pretty sure it's over now since I got the "I need some time to focus on other things" speech. Which I was okay with, because all of my heart wasn't in it. Right before that happened, I was (and still am really sick with pneumonia) I was feeling really vulnerable - and confessed to my guy friend that I like him. I've known him for about 8 months. I don't know, I'm the kind of person that pays attention to signs. I've seen so many with him. So anyways, I pretty much told him I like him and not to respond cuz I'll feel stupid. He was like "of course I'm going to respond, you can always share with me how you feel it's not stupid. Well I thanked him but was really embarrassed because I didn't know if it would make things awkward and just let it go and gave it to the universe. Oh he also said "well let's just see where spirit takes us". A few days passed and he texted me last night asking if I wanted to grab a coffee or see a movie. So we decided to see a movie as I'm still sick. By the way, stuff like this is pretty normal for us- we've gone for coffee, dinners, deserts before. He has been dating someone for the last 2 months- but I don't know how serious he is about her, he seems kind of on the fence. Thing is... I don't know what last night was? Was this a date or was he just trying to restore some normalcy to the friendship? I gave him a hug, which is common with us- and since I know we're both in a place of trying to figure out our stuff it seemed appropriate. I don't want to screw anything up for him and his girl or be an influence at all- because ultimately I care about his well being, no matter who he is with. So can anyone give me some insight as to what last night was about?

[NoMagicBullet]

Surprised no one has responded to this one yet, but it's hard to tell what is really going on. Then again, maybe that's why no one has responded.

 

It sounds like it was just normal stuff, not a date. You said it was all the stuff you normally do. Remember, if you're searching for signs, you'll find them. That is, you're likely seeing what you want to see, and it's impossible to say whether it's real or not.

 

Unless you have an update to add to this thread, I'd say you're likely still friends and nothing more.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I think the thing to do is to have another heart-to-heart conversation, and honestly express your feelings.

 

 

Men generally have no interest in being mere "friends" with women when those men don't actually see themselves as being "in line" for the romantic affections of said women.

 

The exceptions are gays, coworkers, and perhaps neighbors.

 

So if one were to independently measure his draw to your 'friendship', I'm guessing the reading would be that there is more to it from his side.

 

But why waste another day or chance a missed opportunity... Be more direct and very clear about your feelings, and go ahead and ASK him to be honest in response.

[Country_Girl]

I guess the one thing that had me questioning it, was him asking to see a movie- that's pretty uncommon. I seen one with him the second time we met back in April, bust since then he never showed an interest in seeing one again (offered a few times but he always had plans). I mean, we did watch a movie at his house one time but that was for a project we were working on together.

 

Well, as an update my birthday was 2 days after movie night and I texted him to let him know I'd be at a certain resturant at such and such time with my mom and friend. I only gave him 3 hour notice and he said he would be there. We all had dinner, chatted for 2 hours, he gave me a card. No, card did not profess any feelings- but thoughtful and well wishes and thanks.

 

Few days later I get the usual text, we'll ask how eachother's week is. That was 2 nights ago, but then today I already got a "how was your day text" which is a little more frequent. You know, as much as I'd like to sit down and talk about this, I don't feel the need to anymore. If anything, I just feel relieved having told him after keeping it a secret for so long. And really, it just makes me respect him even more for not treating me any different after this. I'm just going to go with the flow and see what happens.

[spiderowl]

He didn't seem shocked, didn't say no and said let's see where this takes us, so he sounds open to the idea. He has got a girlfriend so if he's half decent he will be wondering how he feels about her as compared with how he feels about you. If he prefers you, he'll be wondering what to say to his girlfriend. If he's on the fence about it all, then he probably just thinks he likes you both and he could have fun with you both but is not feeling the same way as you.

 

Leave him to come to terms with the idea that things could change between you. He also needs to work out what to do re girlfriend. It sounds to me like he's holding back for some reason - could be aforementioned girlfriend. However, if he was really keen, I think he would have said something by now. He wouldn't want you to think he wasn't interested. That's just my thought on it. I'd let him demonstrate his interest clearly now, if I were you. After all, you have taken the risk of telling him about yours. Excuse the saying, but the ball's in his court now.

[PlumPrincess]

I'd say, he really, really likes you as a person and he values your friendship, but you weren't really on his radar as a potential girlfriend and right now, he has no romantic feelings for you. He's probably trying to figure out now whether he likes you or not.

 

In any case, his behavior indicates that he's a really kind and cool person. Even if it doesn't work out with him romantically, he's probably a great friend. Sometimes I think we crave romantic love so much and forget there are other kinds of love that are as valuable. You can be glad he's your friend.

[lostboy11]

Sounds like he's considering romantic possibilities here and may have at least some toward you already. I say that because guys are always considering romantic possibilities and even if he is not totally sure, you two may hit it off if he decides to break off his current relationship or whatever it is. I am sure he has contemplated what it would be like to be with you. His "let's see where the spirit takes us" comment probably means you could get away with making a real move with him. Start getting really flirty and suggestive first, and wear something more provacative than usual, and let that drag on for at least one meeting before doing anything. If he's even remotely attracted to you, it's going to be tough for him to resist making a move on you by the second meeting, but if he doesn't, then you will have gotten him so worked up, you can then make the first move on him. I'm telling you, unless he's gay, this is very likely to work.

[Axee]

I completely identify with you , very recently I too did the same.. Expressed my feelings to my friend who is many miles away from me. He too told me the same, "lets see what happens, I feel you may find a better guy , lets go with the flow..In the meantime be open minded to everyone "..

 

even after that, our friendship remains normal, frequent calls, texts..which has left me wondering, "wats going on "..

 

So here is what I have formulated after much deliberation ..

 

He may said tht because

a. he is a commitment phobic

b.he is not in a rite place to begin a relationship

c.he may not prefer me

 

but problem is my mental energies are focused on him and I am unable to move on, I keep saying that I am going with the flow but point is, I am not..

So here is wat I have decided, I have planned to continue, or meet him in person some times, finally have a face to face conversation .. then at that time ask him wats really going on...

Once tht is done, the call is mine, if it is still confusion, or "go with the flow" I need to go on NO CONTACT with him, (even though he is my friend) and concentrate my energies elsewhere..

 

Because it really makes no sense to be in a limbo..

[Country_Girl]

So, I have an update to this thread as of a few days ago, and could REALLY use some advice.

 

Since I made the admission, things have remained normal- still hang out about once a week. I've dated 2 guys in the meantime briefly, but they didn't pan out. As of 2 weeks ago, him and the girl he was dating have since broken up.

 

I've got some stuff going on in my life that I'm down about, and he had some friends from out of town visiting over the weekend so he asked me to come out with them Friday. So we took a 45 minute drive to the casino, had a blast, hit up McDonald's then went to his house to eat and debate a bunch of things till the wee hours of 1a.m. And just in case it gets called into question later- neither of us were drinking.

 

I left after 1am. I live 45 minutes away and my best friend/co worker was supposed to leave her door unlocked for me since I had to work early and so I wouldn't have to drive back home so late (she lives a block from his place, and a block from our work). Well she forgot to, and I didn't want to wake her up so I texted him to see if I could crash on his floor (since I knew his buddies had the couch). He said sure, come back over and I can crash in his room.

 

So I get to his place, he's already in bed with the light off. We've never slept together before so I say "If you want I can sleep on the floor" and he moved the covers and said no I can sleep in his bed. I keep my clothes on (jeans and all) because I don't want to overstep any boundaries. As soon as I get into bed he's like "I'm not jumping your bones, I'm just going to spoon you". So he curls up to me, spoon position, leg draped over mine, arm wrapped around me. His hand was near my chest, not coping a feel or anything (I know he respects me) and I placed my hand on his close to my heart.

 

Well I don't think I slept but 30 minutes that night, lol. All I could think was "is this really happening"? A few times he nuzzled his head into my shoulder/neck area. Maybe after an hour he flipped on his side, so I kinda spooned him- when I put my arm over him he pulled it to his chest. My wrist was bent so after 30 minutes or so I moved my hand flat and he put his hand in mine. At some point I fell asleep and when I woke up to my alarm he was spooning me this time. So, we literally cuddled and held each other all night long.

 

He rolled over when my alarm went off, I got up, touched his back and thanked him for letting me crash at his place. He asked for a hug (not uncommon)- I gave him one and left for work.

 

Oh and I'd like to add, when we first cuddled up together, it was like we were a couple...we were laughing and joking about his friends and how he was instigating them into a debate. You know, how couples just snuggle up and talk about the days events? That's what it felt like.

 

He's texted me a little more than usual the last 2 days, mostly about his visiting friend that "likes" me I guess. His friend keeps texting me and he's been teasing me saying said friend "loves me and wants my body". I've made it known I have no interest in his friend- so that's why he keeps teasing me. That or maybe the friend's interest may have sparked an interest within him?

 

What should I make of this? Do friends spoon/cuddle? It didn't feel sexual on his part, except his hand did graze across my stomach, under my shirt at one point when he was repositioning- but I don't think he meant to do that necessarily.

 

Was cuddling his way of making a move (as in showing interest)?

 

Also, we've talked about our love languages in the past- I know his is affection- he has said he needs physical touch. So is it possible this was just an emotional need he had at the time and it could mean nothing?

 

Guys, would you spoon/cuddle with a female you had no romantic interest in?

[PlumPrincess]

My paranoid self says he's playing games and the moment you start trusting him and develop deeper feelings for him, he will screw you over. If he isn't aware of what his behavior is causing in you, he must be very stupid, which I don't believe otherwise you wouldn't be interested in him. Or he is being selfish and satisfying his need for emotional and physical closeness with you while not being in love with you. And somehow I believe it's the later.

 

I'm really curious what others have to say.

[Country_Girl]

Thanks for the insights Plum,

Although I agree he could very well be using me to fulfill un-met emotional needs- part of me thinks he isn't. He's pretty self aware and we've had long drawn out discussions before on "ego" and "self". So, if it is self gratification- there is no way he is doing it subconsciously. So, it would hurt even more if that is the case.

 

He's been texting me more frequently since this happened. 5 days this week...as opposed to our usual 1 to 3. I invited him to a friends birthday get together next week and he said he could probably go. If he doesn't make some kind of move then, then I'll assume the cuddling didn't mean anything.

 

He's not shy about asking women out and flirting. So all signs would point to he's just not into me- but then I wonder if he's just worried about affecting the friendship. Maybe he doesn't know I'm still into him?

[PlumPrincess]

Thanks for the insights Plum,

Although I agree he could very well be using me to fulfill un-met emotional needs- part of me thinks he isn't. He's pretty self aware and we've had long drawn out discussions before on "ego" and "self". So, if it is self gratification- there is no way he is doing it subconsciously. So, it would hurt even more if that is the case.

He's been texting me more frequently since this happened. 5 days this week...as opposed to our usual 1 to 3. I invited him to a friends birthday get together next week and he said he could probably go. If he doesn't make some kind of move then, then I'll assume the cuddling didn't mean anything.

 

He's not shy about asking women out and flirting. So all signs would point to he's just not into me- but then I wonder if he's just worried about affecting the friendship. Maybe he doesn't know I'm still into him?

I don't want to get your hopes up and I'm not that good with men, but actually that sounds good to me!

[Country_Girl]

Well, I think I have my answer- I don't think this going past the "friend zone". I asked him if he wanted to see a movie today, and we did, but I didn't get any vibes other than friendly. If this were going to progress I think something would have happened or we would have shared the same level of closeness as that night.

 

He wanted to grab food afterward but I was in a rush as I had someone waiting on me- so he said we'll get a meal in a couple days.

 

So yeah, I just need to accept that this won't move past friendship I think. Part of me still has a little hope that maybe when we sit down and talk that more or less will be revieled. It just couldn't happen today, there was no time for anything.

[PlumPrincess]

Well, I think I have my answer- I don't think this going past the "friend zone". I asked him if he wanted to see a movie today, and we did, but I didn't get any vibes other than friendly. If this were going to progress I think something would have happened or we would have shared the same level of closeness as that night.

 

He wanted to grab food afterward but I was in a rush as I had someone waiting on me- so he said we'll get a meal in a couple days.

 

So yeah, I just need to accept that this won't move past friendship I think. Part of me still has a little hope that maybe when we sit down and talk that more or less will be revieled. It just couldn't happen today, there was no time for anything.

Hm, it doesn't sound that good, but it's possible that I'm projecting my own fears on you. I'm honestly clueless what he wants. I have the feeling that with some guys you can never win. No matter what you do, it's going to be wrong. They won't like you, because you're too shy, too bold, too nice, too bitchy, too blonde, too brunette, too tall, too small, etc. I think, it probably just means that you are simply not the right one for them. I would expect a guy who cuddles with me to have romantic feelings that he wants to express. If he doesn't, there's something wrong.

[Country_Girl]

I would think he would have to have some kind of romantic feelings too, Plum.

 

My friends are saying to just have patience, that maybe he is just taking this slow out of respect. There's just so many mixed messages- I don't know if I am reading into what he does too much or what. The day when we went to the casino he had me sit on his lap for some photos we were taking of all of us. Then when we were leaving he was telling his friend about a waitress he's going to ask out the next time he comes back- he thought she was completely into him since she would break the touch barrier every time they talked. Seems for every one positive signal I get, in comes another to negate it.

 

He's been keeping up with the frequent texting. Sunday night he texted a few hours after the movie to thank me and say sweet dreams. No texts were initiated monday. Then last night (tuesday) he texted to see how my week is going and say he's going to bed and sweet dreams. So if there's anything I've picked up on he's been texting before he goes to bed pretty often. I can't really read into the "sweet dreams" texts because he's been saying that for a while now- at least since last summer.

 

He's supposed to go to my friend's birthday party with me on Friday. We usually hang out one on one as opposed to a group setting- so this will be a good way for my friends to gauge if they think he's interested in me or not. I plan on stepping up my game a bit and dressing sexy that night (but not slutty).

 

We've definitely become a lot closer over the last 2 weeks. Perhaps some of it is sincerity on his part, as he knows I'm going through some major changes right now. Or maybe because his uncle is dying and he just wants to know someone is there. But I'm just going to take the advice of friends and have patience.

[PlumPrincess]

Maybe you should just tell him point blank that his behavior is confusing you lately and ask him what he is up to. If he's into you, he will tell you. If he's not, you won't waste more time on this. Taking things slow is fine. Going hot and cold is a bad sign. If you put up with this treatment, people will lose respect for you.

[Axee]

Since you said his nature is pretty outgoing,

it clearly looks like he is flirting with you and in a sense using you.. since he knows you are available for him.. Take care, since you say he is your good friend, better to put everything out in open and close the story..

[biermadchen]

Yeah, been there, done that...spooning, cuddling, heads close together, nuzzling, laughing, avowals of undying love and appreciation for each other, and...nothing. Lol, all the hilarious fun and closeness and sweetness you could want, but...nothing. Is it fear? Is it selfishness? Is it warped love? Who knows? But, you've got a friend you can have fun with. Enjoy him and live your life and be open to finding a guy who can/will give you what you want/need. If it ends up being him, cool. But don't "wait" for him, y'know?

[PlumPrincess]

Yeah, been there, done that...spooning, cuddling, heads close together, nuzzling, laughing, avowals of undying love and appreciation for each other, and...nothing. Lol, all the hilarious fun and closeness and sweetness you could want, but...nothing. Is it fear? Is it selfishness? Is it warped love? Who knows? But, you've got a friend you can have fun with. Enjoy him and live your life and be open to finding a guy who can/will give you what you want/need. If it ends up being him, cool. But don't "wait" for him, y'know?

I guess, eventually it boils down to "if he likes you, he will want to make you his girlfriend (= commit, there are guys who don't mind calling someone girlfriend but the commitment is kind of lacking ) as soon as possible because he doesn't want to lose you."

 

I guess, when it comes to relationship things are often quite simple. Hm, that reminds me, I think I need to read "He's just not that into you" again. Everybody who is pining for someone should do that.

[Country_Girl]

Yeah I'm not waiting for him by any means. I'd say I kinda did after the first few months of meeting him- but since then I've dated several people. Lately (the last 2 weeks) I've been focusing on myself- not looking for anyone (gave up on online dating) and not trying to look for anything more in this friendship.

 

My friend ended up getting sick and leaving her birthday thing early. He stuck around with me and my coworker. I'd like to add, I looked pretty good that night (I'm not really confident at all)- but this was confirmed by several of my friend's husband's friends- some of them I had met several times before but they told my friend they didn't even recognize me lol. Also, the friend I'm in love with took a pic of me and sent it to his friend that he teases me about (he jokes that this friend likes me)- and the friend replied that I look smoking hot. Anyway, since I rode with the birthday girl, he was supposed to drive me back to her place (I was crashing there since they live a block away from each other and from my work). When we got close, he asked if I had time for a movie, it was around 11pm- I said sure.

 

So we went to his house. He was pretty set on watching a scary movie. There was an awkward moment (he made it awkward) when I asked where he would be laying. He doesn't have a tv in his living room so we were going to watch it in the bed room, so I was sitting on the edge of the bed asking how he was gonna lay for the movie...like was he going to lay across the bed or back up to the headboard- so I'd know where I should position myself. He was like "why?" And I was like "so I know where to lay". I don't know, it was just weird for a moment.

 

Anyway, put the movie in, I layed across the bed on my stomach, he layed at an angle on his back and draped his legs over mine. After the movie it was around 1am, he asked if I wanted him to drop me off at my friends or if I was crashing at his place. I said I'd stay there. I asked if I could borrow a shirt to sleep in- the one he gave me wasn't very long so I kept my jean skirt on.

 

We were facing each other in bed, we were pretty close, our arms were draped over each other's shoulders. Out of habit (usually if I'm in bed with a guy it's someone I'm dating) I started massaging his shoulder. He said he hasn't had a back massage in ages, and rolled on his stomach so I could rub his back. Btw, his shirt was on, and I gave him a back rub for about 10 minutes. It wasn't sexual in any way, I just worked out his knots.

 

Prior to this he had told me some stories about his house and how he thinks it's haunted. So he rolled on his side, back to me, then started teasing me about "what are you gonna do if the ghost comes walking in here". I told him I'd wake him up if that happened and I snuggled up to him. He kept teasing about the ghost thing, also about his friend being "in love with me". I wasn't sure if that was him flirting, so I joked that that fell on him since he's the one that sent the pic of me and I poked him a few times. He didn't poke back so I'm thinking he was just joking, not trying to flirt. Anyway, we cuddled off and on throughout the night- but not a lot- it was just too hot in his room to snuggle.

 

So that was 2 weeks ago, haven't hung out since. He wanted to see a movie a few days ago but I couldn't. So I tried to make plans with him on the weekend and he wasn't feeling well. We plan to hang out on Wednesday.

 

I pretty much gave up trying to analyze it. I can't blame him for mixed messages, they only appear mixed because I have interest. So, I'm no longer psychoanalizing his texts, or his behavior when we are together. If something happens, then great, if not I still have a great friend.