On Holidays

[Gentlegirl]

Hello Everybody,

 

I have a lovely month of holidays to enjoy.

 

Unfortunately, I find my mind brooding on xMM more than it should be.

 

It was a year NC for me on 23rd December and that went by without incident. I was thinking that it was all good. Then a couple of days after Christmas, I heard the song from "Ghost". You know the one..."Oh my love, mydarling, I've hungered for your touch..". I had a total melt down.

 

Since then, I have up and down quite a bit emotionally.

 

I have had to admit to myself that there is still a deep emotional bond there that hasns't been severed. That makes me angry and bewildered.

 

I recognise rationally that the A with xMM is over, gone. However, the emotional bond is still there.

 

I wonder how much of this is because of unresolved issues, maybe fantasy on my part. Not sure. I wonder how I would react if I met up with him again...NO I AM NOT CONTEMPLATING THAT. Perhaps he would just look like any other 70 year old guy.

 

What do you all think about the ties that linger for such a long time? Do they ever really dissolve,

 

Cheers,

GG

[Owl]

I think that those ties last for as long as you cling to them.

 

No disrespect intended, please don't take it that way.

 

But I'm betting that xMM isn't feeling the same way that you are. I'd hazard a guess that emotionally, he's moved on. For him...it IS over. He probably didn't even notice the 1 yr anniversary date of NC.

 

But you did.

 

Time to let him go, my friend. Stop counting how long it's been...start focusing on what's in front of you, rather than watching what's behind you fade off into the distance.

 

Setbacks can happen...just deal with it and drive on.

 

What's NEW in your life? What's your focus nowadays? What activity is filling your life where your time with him used to take up?

 

That's the focus you need to have now...the new, the current, the future.

[Barrsitter]

Owl - great advice. I wish LS had a "like" button!

 

I was thinking today that this year, I will focus on and be grateful for I have and build on that, instead of focusing on what I don't have.

 

Maybe you might find that uselful advice.

 

Plus - everything turns out the way it's meant to.

[Circular]

Holidays are a time that people have more time to think about the people around them and their lives and things they feel are important to them. This same thing is what is bringing the thoughts of xMM back to you, there's something unresolved there that your mind still struggles with deeply and rightfully so, you have a mixture of memories both fond and painful. You can't have one set without the other.

 

I disagree with Owl on this, I feel his response is written in a way to negate what you're feeling kind of like 'He has forgotten about you, tough luck, move on', which may be construed as helpful but I think only exacerbates the deeper thought process of asking questions that are coming up for you. I'm a firm believer that once bonds between humans are forged they are very very difficult to overcome/erase, it's not 'clinging on' there is actually a phsysio-chemical process that is in effect that takes a long time to atrophy. If these feelings are disruptive then I think you should seek counseling to work though them.

 

Regardless you should continue to work to move forward, find relationships and friends to fill those gaps so the necessity of that bond isn't needed anymore.

[YellowShark]

I have had to admit to myself that there is still a deep emotional bond there that hasns't been severed. That makes me angry and bewildered.

 

Take yourself outside of your frame of reference for a sec. You are talking about a man who threw his wife under a bus to be with you, and then threw you under a bus to go back to her. Then you caught him on a dating website after all that. Is that correct?

 

Therefore what exactly "binds" you to such a man Gentlegirl?

[Thunderbolt]

I know how you're feeling, GG. I've been going through something similar. For the first time in many years, I thoroughly enjoyed the holidays and didn't think of xMM nearly as much as I used to. Then, for some reason after the new year, I had a flood of emotions come over me.

 

Congrats on keeping NC for a year. Despite having thoughts about him lately, you're still on your way and doing better than you think. Songs can be huge triggers and sometimes you can't do anything about it.

 

I've been NC almost 8 months. But, I'm going to try and take Owl's advice by not putting a number on the amount of time that's passed. It's been a long time and maybe I just need to keep it at that. This is so, so, so cliche and everyone says this, but keeping focused/engaged in something passionate in life is truly a life saver. I'm in the process of working on something important in my life and I had to force myself to engage in this more than usual in order to get out of the funk I was in. It has definitely helped. An idle mind can play some serious tricks on us.

 

Keep your chin up, you're doing fine. Things like this just seem to creep up on us when we're not really prepared. It will pass and you will be back here sharing your experience and how you overcame the bump in the road with someone who will really need your help. Good luck...

[LadyGrey]

HI GG, I think it's just a phase you are going through and it will pass. Sometimes it takes a year or two to heal from these things. Personally I think you aren't missing who and what he REALLY WAS/IS but you are missing what you THOUGHT it COULD be. I would suggest when you have those thoughts to concentrate on the reality. He played you and he is a leech, he dumped you then was right back on a dating site looking for another one. I bet if you had a magic ball that could look in his past, he has been having affairs for his whole marriage. When you became inconvenient or too much trouble or more effort was expected from him, he came up with a fake story to cover his sorry arse and he was gone.

 

Think of the bad stuff he is and believe it because you know deep down, it's true. He is NOT a good man who got caught up in an affair for the 1st time. MM who troll dating sites are practiced cheaters.

[Gentlegirl]

Hello,

 

You have all been very kind, realistic and encouraging.

 

I am feeling a whole lot better now than I was a couple of days after Christmas.

 

It was one of the few times I have been totally alone for Christmas in my 64 years. I was on a beautiful cruise ship, BUT with a heap of strangers.

 

I am sure that had something to do with my temporary hissy fit. It was only temporary and I recognise that.

 

Thanks again,

 

Cheers,

GG

[SoMovinOn]

What do you all think about the ties that linger for such a long time? Do they ever really dissolve?

 

They don't dissolve, you dissolve them. It's up to you to let them go. Time doesn't change things - people do.

[East7]

Take yourself outside of your frame of reference for a sec. You are talking about a man who threw his wife under a bus to be with you, and then threw you under a bus to go back to her. Then you caught him on a dating website after all that. Is that correct?

 

Therefore what exactly "binds" you to such a man Gentlegirl?

 

Ditto ! Spot-on like always YS

 

Personally I think you aren't missing who and what he REALLY WAS/IS but you are missing what you THOUGHT it COULD be. I would suggest when you have those thoughts to concentrate on the reality.

 

I totally agree with LG, it is true for my xMW as well. We cling to what we thought they were, not who they REALLY are.

 

Fantasy is something very difficult to destroy. We build a perfect love story in our minds that we cherish so much that when the reality contradicts it, we still want to preserve.

 

I think it is a defense mechanism to save us from sinking into negativity.

[SunsetRed]

I started thinking about mine as well. I had actually met another guy that I was feeling excited about and then that fizzled out FAST and I started reminicsing about the magical and out of this world connection my xMM and I had.

 

I have to remember that I almost committed suicide last fall when he disposed of me the second time. I ended up on prozac which made me feel like my brain was being scribbled on. I'm off that now. I've lost so much weight I look like a crack ho and to me I appear to have aged 5-10 years. Maybe the aging is just my imagination, but the point is, he brought tremendous pain to me.

 

I have never in my life had a man F-up my mind and life so much. I was once married to an abuser and had to life in a shelter and fear for my life, and yet this married man has done more mental damage than my ex husband.

 

It couldnt be karma for having been w him because when I met him, he really was separated and had his own apt in a different city from the stbx wife.

 

Its when he went back and then immediately left me alone to be a husband to someone else that the pain started comng in. Then he "almost" left, but turned around and took her to Vegas instead. Thats what sent me over the edge.

 

I have to remember the going over the edge part. A third dalliance w him would put me in the psych ward or jail. So, somehow I've got to pull it together and move on, no matter now many ill mannered inappropriate men I go out with.

 

I have to also remember that time will heal all wounds as I no longer feel anything for all the exes before him.

[So_Overit]

GG those feelings of attachment are memories (IMHO) and feelings of what you wanted out of the relationship...wistful, bittersweet memories.

 

Unfortunately he was not the man you thought he was, or the man you wanted him to be for you.

 

I think it takes us longer to get over disappointments as we get older. Back in the day, it was kick 'em to the curb and on to the next one... not so as the years roll on.

 

Give yourself a break... the holidays are a difficult time for many of us.

 

Good for you! You went on a cruise!!! Way to get out there!!!