What I've realized so far...

[Exit]

This may end up long but it's mainly for me to vent and solidify what I've learned so far, and maybe some other people can apply this to their own situations and benefit from it.

 

It's been a about a month and a half since I was abruptly ditched. For most of that time, I didn't even come back to LoveShack, I wasn't interested in rehashing every detail about what happened and trying to get answers about it. I've been back around for maybe a week, yet still haven't posted anything about my situation, but I found that replying to other people's threads actually ended up helping me sort out my own mind. I saw someone in another thread mention how when we reply to people's topics it's almost a form of "self talk", and the advice we give to other people is probably us relating to our own situation internally. It makes sense, as I bet a good majority of us tend to reply to threads that remind us of our own situation.

 

Basically, I've realized I was in a quasi-abusive relationship. Abuse is harder to recognize when it isn't necessarily being punched in the face or verbally abused. It can just be having your emotions messed with every way possible, never knowing which way is up or where things stand. The biggest step for me was realizing that something is wrong with my ex. I'm not even going to mention what I've categorized it as, because I know a lot of times when people start doing that at these forums they are met with responses like "oh, you're just avoiding your own blame by cooking up this theory that your ex must have been a sociopath". And frankly in many cases I can agree with that. Sometimes we just mess up and lose good people. It's happened to me multiple times, it's not like I've diagnosed every ex in my history with some disorder. But in this case, I do feel it applies, but still, I'm not using it as a crutch, I still hurt, and I still blame myself, so to anyone who thinks I'm just using it as an excuse, I'd ask you to consider that first. It's not like the situation is resolved and sealed in my mind just because I can chalk it up to something like that. I'm still hurting, it doesn't make it go away. BUT my healing has been improved by realizing these things.

 

I was so confused and so hurt when I looked at the things being done to me as the actions of a normal, good-hearted person. If such a lovely person is treating me like less than dirt, then it must be true. It has only become less agonizing for me when I started to realize that I was not on a level playing field. I was trying to measure up to someone whose measuring stick was crooked and twisted. My affections and my dedication to strengthening our relationship was just met with more mistreatment. Now I realize I was trapped in an alternate universe where the rules were defined by an unhealthy mind. It's no wonder I had no idea which way was up for the past few years.

 

For the first time, I'm not really struggling with NC. Despite the fact that as she told me to get out of her life for good and that she wanted nothing to do with me ever again, she dangled a little bait at the end by letting me know there were certain forms of communication that I was still allowed to use. And thankfully, for once in my life, a light turned on in my head, and I realized not to take the bait. Even if I were to point it out to her and say that she very clearly left an opening for me to keep talking to her, she'd just turn around and say "what?! Are you nuts? What about all the stuff I said about wanting nothing to do with you?". That's all fine and good, but then don't make the last thing you say a reference to the fact that I can still reach out if I want to. Probably just wanted me to keep pumping up her ego by pursuing, but I finally put some effort into "taking your power back" and realized this was my cue to exit.

 

For almost this entire relationship, I would think to myself "if this was really the person I wanted to marry, she'd be doing this and not this", but no matter how many times those red flags popped up, I chose to look the other way. I wanted to believe in this false version of her, hoping that despite all the proof, some day she would be a good person. I chalk up this pattern of ignoring red flags to my codependent tendencies, among other things. I just wanted someone to be with. I'd also relate it to the "devil you know is better than the one you don't" idea. I was being mistreated, but in my mind, that didn't mean it was better to make myself single and have to find someone else.

 

I now know I can't just blame the other person, when it's my neediness and my attachment issues that enable my partners to act this way and get away with it. If I had put her in her place a long time ago and walked away, either she would have learned that it was her turn to apologize, or I would have at least been saving myself time by being out of the relationship. But I let it happen to get more of the brief moments when things were good.

 

For the first time in my life I'm really not hating being single, because I want to make sure I am never again in such a needy or weak position where I put up with things I don't deserve. And as I look back, I realize I've done this in the past before too. I've dated girls who had aspects of their lifestyles that I didn't agree with, but again, instead of having the spine to say it wasn't right for me and put myself back in the singles pool, I'd just try to ignore it. Did this tactic ever work? Of course not. I used to look back at how I've always been the one getting dumped, and believed that meant I'm the bad person. Now I know that's not the case. The only reason I always get dumped is because I never want to dump anyone. So I try to have a healthy relationship when I'm not really happy, which ends up destroying it, and then of course, I am the one getting left behind. It's like refusing to shoot the ball in a basketball game and then twisting that around into "I always lose". I thought this came from a belief to treat others how you want to be treated, and if I had made a mistake or done something wrong, I wouldn't want someone to just give up on me and leave, so I've tried to do the same for them. But I take that theory to a distorted level. It doesn't mean that I have to dump someone the first time something goes wrong, but I need to have some sort of boundaries where enough is enough.

 

I've had no personal boundaries for a long time. At the rate I was going, someone could reveal to me a full fledged long term affair that they had been having behind my back, and as long as I got an apology and some hasty promise about an effort to repair things and move on, I'm sure I would have let it happen. Just in the same way that I was putting up with other forms of abuse and just putting it behind me, I have no idea where I would have drawn the line.

 

As I said in the beginning, this does not apply to every single case. We all lose good people, and sometimes a good portion of it is our fault. Relationships are always a two way street, and even in a situation where I feel I was truly with a sick person, that doesn't mean I didn't do something wrong too. But in my spineless condition, even someone treating me like a dog became an issue of "what did I do wrong? what's wrong with me?". I still have to resist these urges. When going through NC during the holidays I thought to myself "but what if I'm the one to reach out, and it actually results in her agreeing to come see me", still thinking it was always me who needed to do something. But luckily I resisted.

 

Maybe some of you can apply this to your situations. Maybe only to a lesser extent, or maybe not at all. But try to ask yourself whose rules you were playing by. I'll reuse my basketball example like I did above, I've come to realize I was trying to score a point in an arena with the lights turned off. There was no way I ever could have succeeded. And if I didn't come to this realization, I'd still be at step one, beating myself up every single day. I've had to take inventory of the situation and realize wow, how was I ever supposed to win.

 

I think I saw a one sentence post by CaliGuy the other day that asked someone "Why would you want to be with an unhealthy person anyway?". For a long time, I've been guilty of that. Why not be with someone who gives freely of their affection, someone who can actually communicate, someone who gives as much as they get? Maybe because my damaged mind liked the challenge. If you can squeeze some affection out of a sick person, you must be doing a good job! And if they treat you like garbage and ignore you for a couple days, you must be a jerk who better cook up a good apology.

 

Don't try to find flaws in your ex just to make yourself feel better. It has quite the opposite effect actually. The more you realize is wrong with them, you should immediately turn the spotlight on yourself and ask "if that's the case, what is wrong with ME that I actually wanted to be with that person?". That's what it did to me. It only made me realize my weaknesses. If she's unhealthy, then so am I, because I didn't have the strength to walk away from it.

 

I still miss her, but I am wise enough to know now that I mostly miss the false image of the person who she never really was. If she were to contact me, I'm 99% sure I'd be able to resist, and I'm working on getting towards 100%. I don't think I need to worry, because she is not the type to make contact. I can't picture any situation in which I'll be reaching out either. I made it through the major winter holidays and if we didn't talk then, why talk now?

 

I wish you all well in your own healing journeys. And while I don't really care to recommend NC to other people or not, I do know I never would have made this progress without total space from her. It's only been a few weeks but it's the longest we haven't talked since meeting and it's doing me good. So if your head is still spinning and you haven't cut that final cord yet, do it. You may very well talk to them some other day, but you'll never get yourself straightened out if the madness of continued contact doesn't stop.

Edited January 7, 2012 by Exit

[CopingGal]

My ex did so many cruel things to hurt me, he tricked me, duped me, manipulated me, cheated on me, etc. My therapist told me not to take it personal because this behavior was in-grained in him before he met me.

 

My ex has sociopathic traits and traits of narcissitic personality disorder. It's very hard on me because I believe he is treating the person he cheated on me much better than he treated me me. But the relationship is new. As time goes on, he will lie to her again and again. I'm pretty sure that he has already lied to her about certain things. In the past my ex has said things like "While the cat's away, the mice will play."

 

My ex took our relationship and took a hammer to it until it was completely destroyed. I've never known anyone to be so cruel and calculating, to lie so much and to come clean about lies, only to add lies right after he comes clean. He is very sick and twisted. I'm not as mad as I used to be because he is sick. I feel very sorry for him. He has lived in over 7 different places in the past three years. He jumps from relationship to relationship very, very, very quickly. He has no contact with his mom and none of his siblings and he turned his back on his father simply because his father was sick and no longer recognized him. He is very, very sick and goes from woman to woman desperately looking for someone that he can suck all of the patience out of and treat badly only to be always forgiven. I feel very sorry for his fiance. He is a psychological abuser and his fiance is a past victim of physical abuse. She's back in an abusive relationship and does not even know it.

[perfectlyflawed459]

That was a very insightful post. It is so easy to paint your ex black after a break up because you are hurt, but in reality, you have to remember that in a break up, it takes TWO. Like you, I did paint my ex black, but then it took me some time to realize that I acted wrong too. I took him for granted and that started to show the last month of our relationship. I also became very negative and jealous, and I look back on it to this day and I see how repulsive I was. He has his own share of faults too, but most of the issues in our relationship were triggered because of one another's negative behavior. He also became jealous and cold. It is sad really, because we had a great relationship full of wonderful memories and laughs, but I am greatful because losing something this special has made me realize my faults. I have been able to grow from all this and am now a positive, confident, and more appreciative person. I am three months NC with my ex and I do not think I could have gotten my head back on straight without this time apart. Yes he has reached out to me twice, but I know we both need A LOT of space from each other still to grow up. I do not know if we will cross paths again someday, I have a feeling we will, but who really knows right? I know I still care about him and miss him a lot, but I am slowly but surely relearning how to be happy on my own again If the day comes where we do cross paths again, I want to be a better person, and I have faith that he would have grown up too.

[Million.to.1]

Exit... You have hit the nail on the head. Thank-you so much for this post. You seem to have a great handle on yourself and the situation and that is inspiring.

[Exit]

Thanks for the replies. Im surprised anyone read that post, it was longer than i even expected. Makes me feel a bit better when people say im doing good and have put a lot of thought into things. 2012 could be a good year for me. =)

[Rimer]

Great post Exit

 

This really popped out to me.. I was in/am in the same situation

 

" I've had no personal boundaries for a long time. At the rate I was going, someone could reveal to me a full fledged long term affair that they had been having behind my back, and as long as I got an apology and some hasty promise about an effort to repair things and move on, I'm sure I would have let it happen. Just in the same way that I was putting up with other forms of abuse and just putting it behind me, I have no idea where I would have drawn the line. "

[CopingGal]

That was a very insightful post. It is so easy to paint your ex black after a break up because you are hurt, but in reality, you have to remember that in a break up, it takes TWO.

 

I honestly don't blame myself at all for our break up. I had no idea what was going on because he lied to me over and over. He told me he did not have money to see me. I was understanding. It turns out he had no money to see me because he was spending money to go see someone else. He lied to me and told me he had no time to see me because he was spending time with his autistic son. It turns out he was dating behind my back. In couple's therapy, he just went through the motions and didn't take it seriously...he admitted to that. I did the assignments in couple's therapy and I hung in and hung in. So, I don't blame myself at all. What I do blame myself for is putting up with his nonsense for such a long time.

[CopingGal]

That was a very insightful post. It is so easy to paint your ex black after a break up because you are hurt, but in reality, you have to remember that in a break up, it takes TWO.

 

There is not painting here...my ex did it all and he admitted he treated me terribly. He said he did not know why he treated me so badly.

 

1-He pretended to take couple's counseling seriously, but he did not

 

2-He told me his ex girlfriend was on his mind and he worried that he thought too much about her. He told me I deserved honesty and that is why he was being honest. But he neglected to tell me that he was cheating on me with someone entirely different from his ex girlfriend.

 

3-He went looking for other women...LOOKING for other women on the internet. He offered to be an epal to one of them. This is the woman he cheated on me with. He told me he could not email me because the person he lived with was always on the computer.

 

It goes on and on.