Posts opened my eyes on insecurity problem/ Other people working on this?

[Maria46]

;)I wanted to write this letter to let you know how valuable reading many of these posts has been. I have spent the last 5 hours here reading and taking notes in my head about insecurities destroying relationships. I will also tell you what my bf and I am going to do to keep our relationship alive.

 

 

Bf and I have been together for over a year. We are both divorced and in our late 40's and have grown children. My past relationships have been abusive and controlling. His marriage ended due to infidelity by his wife.

 

 

Project #1. Bf and I are always around each other as we work in the same place. We can come and go as we please during the times we are there. I have always gotten upset with him for leaving the building and not letting me know where he is going or for how long, even when he is running to the store. He believes I am unreasonable and I believe he is inconsiderate. I do know that with my insecurities, it would be easier on me just to let me know.

 

 

Project #2. Dealing with his relationship with his ex. He has a very cordial relationship with his ex wife. She lives over 1800 miles from us. My problem with her started when his daughter got married about a year ago. At that time I knew I was in love with him, but he wasn't sure about how he felt. He was flying back to where his ex lives for the wedding. He would be there about 5 days and then spending the next month with his relatives in another state. I was very worried about him going there as he has told me that he had really loved his ex. She has been in another relationship for a couple years then, but still called him on the phone often. She also came to where we live for a vacation with her bf and called my bf to see if he would meet her without hers knowing (this is before he and I met). When he was there for the wedding, he forgot to call me when he said he would and I started to worry that they were back together. He finally called me when he got to his relatives house. He said everything went well and I didn't need to worry and we exchanged e mail and talked on the phone many times until his return. I picked him up at the airport and we went to our favorite place for the afternoon. He told me he wanted to talk to me and I believed that he was breaking up with me. But he told me that he realized how much he loved me and he wanted me to know that. So our relationship continued but we were always having arguments about unimportant things because I am so insecure. These last two months we argued many times a week and were always on the verge of breaking up. He also had to fly up for another daughter's wedding. I wanted to go with him, but he didn't think it would be the right time for his children to meet me and didn't want any problems (which was another thing to argue about). I explained that I would appreciate it if he didn't spend alot of time with his ex wife and he said he would do what he could but because of his children he would be around her. He is always walking on eggshells when he tells me he had to be around her as I get so angry about it. So for the past four days he has had to put up with me getting crabby about her and how I don't think he is paying enough attention to me when we talk over the internet or on the phone. He is so tired of hearing me go off about this that when we are on line, he will just log off and hopes that my mood will change by the next day, which it does.

 

 

So after another session of me getting angry and him logging off, I spent the rest of the evening reading these posts. I then sent him an e mail explaining what I had read and have asked him to help me work on this horrible insecurity issue when he returns.

 

 

I do love him, miss him and trust him. It is just when things don't go the way I think they should, is when these doubts pop into my head. I really don't have any reasons to doubt him. I don't want to lose him. I know that if I don't work on this insecurity issue, he will up and leave me as he doesn't like it in the least. No matter how much someone loves another, they can only put up with the accusations and the off the wall behavior for so long.

 

 

And just like in some of the posts, I have told him he would be better off with someone else, that I wasn't good enough for him, etc. It was like reading my own stories.

 

I am hoping it will all be worked out when he returns in a couple weeks. I believe that with him helping me deal with this insecurity issue and with more communication between the two of us on being more considerate, that our relationship will be better than it ever has been.

 

I am so glad I came across this site.

 

Thank you for being here to help!

 

Maria

[shamen]

Maria, Looks like you already know what the issues are. Now all you've got to do is put your sentences into practice and just start letting go a bit.

 

You're right in saying that it's silly of you to worry about where he goes at work. Work is work; he's got things to do. I know that I wouldn't want anyone fretting about this as I run around like a maniac at my job all day. I certainly wouldn't want to feel like I needed to check in with someone during all that running around (= impossible).

 

The ex factor: he's got kids... He will always have to deal with his ex. Hate to say it, but you should be happy on some level that he has a good relationship with her. I am a child of divorce (I'm 35 now) and my parents do not get along at all. My step-mom and mom do not get along either. Whenever there are family functions where we all have to be together, it is a complete nightmare to this day (my dad has been remarried for 12 years or so).

 

So, I would suggest that you try to become friends with this woman if at all possible. I know, I know, I'm talking crazy talk. But, it will help you, your bf and her out tremendously. And if you'd like a relationship with his child, another bonus if you can manage it. It will also help your relationship with your bf I bet.

 

You've just got to let this insecurity/jealously stuff go. You know it already. Good luck putting it into practice. Just put away the fear: stuff it into the fireplace and let it go up because it's not worth hanging on to. All that fear does is eat away at us; make us into smaller creatures than we can be. You can do it!

 

When you feel it coming on, you've just got to rationalize what's up. "This is not about me, it's about a child that he has with her. I am not the only person in the universe." Sounds dumb, but I often find that a little reminder to myself that I'm not the only person in the world helps out a lot when I'm feeling irrational/insecure.

[Thinkalot]

Good luck to you! You have perhaps read some of my posts, and know I have battled, and am battling, to rid myself of insecurity. It can be done!!

[twisted]

i know exactly where u are coming from! my relationship is going down the sh*tter cuz of me. I relize i just have to try my hardest to not let my wondering mind get the best of me.

my BF went out the other night and i still havnt talked to him and i am doin ok i'm not all trippin that he is cheating on me.

 

I'm just FU*KIN* pissed he wont answer his phone, but i'm not calling him off the hook like i normaly do!

[Maria46]

It's nice to have support with this issue. Appreciate it.

 

But, believe in this instance I may have waited to long. Since he is still at his relatives, I sent an e mail and left a couple messages during the day for him to call me back. It is 3 am now and I haven't heard a word. He knows I am upset and I believe he just doesn't care anymore.

 

What a mess I have made of my life.

[Maria46]

Talked to bf this afternoon and we talked about what I had written to him about working on my insecurities. He said he was glad I wrote that but also said that our problems are a two way street and that he also has things to work on such as being more considerate to me. He will be coming home on the 15th. He also told me he loved me and missed me.

 

 

I don't know why I doubt his love for me. Wait a second, yes I do. It is because of these crazy insecurities. I certainly hope that someday I won't feel the way I do. Am sure it will take some time and I'm so glad I have someone that is patient, understanding and actually willing to make the effort to work with me on this problem. And I also have all of you as well. It is great to have "friends" who will listen and be understanding.

 

Thank you all for being so supportive! I know that someday I will be strong enough to be able to help someone else that is dealing with this.

[Thinkalot]

Maria...it does take time, but gradually you get better and better. Sometimes bad days will strike you, but they get less.