budisudaryo Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Hi guys, It's been 8 months since I broke up with my ex. I broke up with her when we were getting serious, talking about marriage etc, and her love for me was high. But I guess it was a case of fizzled out feelings and I thought it was best to end it. It surely hurt her a lot and I overheard from a friend that she hated me for it. Today we're friends and talk occasionally in really friendly manner, there's no trace of dislike in her tones at all. But our mutual friend said to me that she is still bitter about the whole breakup thing. How she was left coldly when her love was in the high. I feel like a bad person now and would like to get this off my chest by asking about her feelings and maybe apologizing but I'm not sure if that's a good idea as it could open old wounds or even make her feelings come back. Any advice? Thank you in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 After 8 months i would probably just let old wounds rest. If you apologize it may make her think there are still feelings. I would probably lessen the contact thought unless you are both totally okay with being mutual friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author budisudaryo Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 After 8 months i would probably just let old wounds rest. If you apologize it may make her think there are still feelings. I would probably lessen the contact thought unless you are both totally okay with being mutual friends. I actually asked her if it's okay if we talk regularly like friends, and she said why not. But I don't know, there's still a chance that her feelings will come back. Link to post Share on other sites
jquest1280 Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I feel for this girl, as I have been in her shoes. I know I can be bitter and angry and confide this to a friend, but as I still am in love with this guy, I put my best face forward so he will want me back. I want him back. I want him to keep talking to me so I can eventually win him back. But YOU KNOW you have no more feelings for her, and I think the kindest thing to do is to stop talking to her, to allow her to recover. The entire LS community will tell her to go NC. Support her in this. I think the need for apology is not urgent because you didn't do anything wrong. Feelings can change; that's normal. One day when everything is ok with her already (and I can't tell you when that will be), an apology would probably make her feel better without rekindling the hope that you will return to her. I know that's how I would feel if my ex apologized (5 years after). Link to post Share on other sites
lilyblue Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I think you should if you handled the situation poorly. I've been in her place and I thought it showed maturity for him to apologize and was thankful that he was willing to be open and honest. Then he did it again, but that's a different matter I guess... Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 If you are the one who requested the friendship, you should go NC if you think she still has feelings to let her heal. Staying in her life right now may confuse her and give her false hope. I don't think there is a need to apologize unless you did something horrible to hurt her. JMHO Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Honestly I would apologize. Don't go into great detail but explain that you were unhappy with the state of the relationship and not emotionally mature enough to go about the breakup correctly, and apologize for any extra pain you brought her by ending things the way that you did. Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 What have you done in the 8 months? have you been seeing anyone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Author budisudaryo Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 What have you done in the 8 months? have you been seeing anyone else? I was seeing her friend for a few months secretly and she didn't know about that. but I think this is not relevant. Link to post Share on other sites
flow15 Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Do you want her back at all? Or are you just apologising purely cos you feel bad? My ex apologised to me recently, and I was left wondering what was behind the apology, whether if its because he wants to win me back or because he felt bad... I was left quite confused, and it did mess with my feelings again! So maybe you should leave the apology for now, and in a few years time when you know she is definitely over it then you can apologise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author budisudaryo Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 What have you done in the 8 months? have you been seeing anyone else? I was seeing her friend for a few months secretly and she didn't know about that. but I think this is not relevant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author budisudaryo Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 Do you want her back at all? Or are you just apologising purely cos you feel bad? My ex apologised to me recently, and I was left wondering what was behind the apology, whether if its because he wants to win me back or because he felt bad... I was left quite confused, and it did mess with my feelings again! So maybe you should leave the apology for now, and in a few years time when you know she is definitely over it then you can apologise. no, not at all. I want to apologise purely because I feel bad. yeah, after some thinking, I will save the apology for some time, if ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 I think it depends on what exactly you mean by "left her coldly." Was the way you broke up with her particularly cold? Did you truly ambush her -- did you cut things off abruptly without really explaining things? Did you drop off the face of the earth on her? If you handled things immaturely and you feel she deserved better treatment, I think she would really appreciate an apology. But not in a way that could mislead her into thinking the two of you still have a chance. But if you think the breakup was handled properly and your concern is more her REACTION to it, maybe you should leave it alone. You hurt her, but it had to happen because you needed to get out. Your feelings haven't changed. An apology for the pain the breakup caused might have been appropriate a few months back, but now it seems belated. Link to post Share on other sites
lilyblue Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 no, not at all. I want to apologise purely because I feel bad. yeah, after some thinking, I will save the apology for some time, if ever. I know I already chimed in on this, but I really think you should do it. Depending on how you present it, it could give her a lot of relief, and not open up feelings of hope or wondering. Have you just been pretending that everything is ok? That creates a weird elephant in the room scenario. I'll just say one more time that I really appreciated it when my ex stopped avoiding the awkwardness of the topic and just approached it head on. It was after about the same time period, it was a 5 minute conversation and it left me feeling that we could have an actual friendship. It didn't leave me feeling that maybe he wanted to get back together or anything bigger than that. Just friendship and appreciation for his honesty and maturity in addressing and issue that had hurt me. Link to post Share on other sites
flow15 Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Yes, to be fair it has been 8 months which is quite a while so you could apologise now if you word it carefully. In my situation, my ex apologised after a month and a half... so I guess it's quite soon when wounds are still quite raw... Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 Why were you talking about marriage with her, then break it off? Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 I think you should do it. I was dumped cruelly and out of the blue. My ex is a jerk and a complete coward who left me with no answers, after doing a 180 on me. I've never got an apology from this assclown to this day. I would like one even like a year and half later, from this coward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author budisudaryo Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 I understand you who said I should apologize, but on second thoughts, I wonder myself, did I really do something wrong? As standard-fare said, my concern is more about her reaction to it. It's not like I disrespected her or anything. When I first sensed something was off in our relationship, I asked for a break to get my mind cleared so I could see things in a better perspective. On that 1 week break, I didn't miss her at all, I even felt free from the suffocation. So then I asked her to meet up and I explained my feelings about the relationship and that I couldn't continue. Maybe I should've worded the explanations better though because I only said it wasn't working and I just didn't feel any spark anymore. I didn't explain about her possessiveness and such. So I feel she didn't have the closure she deserved. So if I have to say something about this to her, it's not an apology, but rather the closure she deserves. But I'm not sure too about this. Our "friendship" gets along fine, we even met accidentally yesterday and we were interacting like old friends. So, don't fix what's not broken, right? Why were you talking about marriage with her, then break it off? The talk about marriage was a few months before our breakup. And it wasn't THE talk either, I just stated that we should set marriage as our goal and do what's needed toward that. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 I have to say that reading about all of this makes me cringe, thinking of your girlfriend's perspective. Your relationship was serious, the M-Word was brought up, and then all of a sudden you had an inexplicable change of heart. You released yourself from the situation and apparently didn't feel much pain or confusion over that, but for her it was an abrupt derailment of her life plans and I'm guessing she had a wrenching, terrible experience. And as you've heard from other people, she still harbors some bitterness. You had the right to end things if you weren't feeling it, and the fact that you're posting here now shows you aren't insensitive to her emotions. But I think you should seriously consider whether this "friendship" that you seem to view fairly casually is doing her any good. If someone broke up with me out of the blue after we were talking about marriage, I think the only motivation I'd have for keeping in touch would be a naive hope that we could get back together. Whether or not that's going on in this case, I'm not sure. You say that you've checked in with her to see if the friendship thing is working for her. Maybe you should have a more serious conversation about that so you can be sure. This could also be an opportunity for the apology you're talking about. You'd want to express to her that you don't really understand why it didn't work out, that you realize it must have been painfully abrupt for her, and that you're truly sorry about the hurt this caused. Tell her that though the friendship is your preference, you understand if it seems confusing or unnatural for her, and you'll respect her enough to stay out of her life if that's what she needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 OP I think you were pretty cold hearted and callous. How would you feel if someone did this to you? You sound alot like my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author budisudaryo Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 (edited) OP I think you were pretty cold hearted and callous. How would you feel if someone did this to you? You sound alot like my ex. You are right. That's why I created this thread. Doesn't mean breaking up was not the right thing to do, though. FYI, we've broken up twice before that for more-or-less the same reason (her possessiveness/neediness) and I just didn't see her changing. Edited January 9, 2012 by budisudaryo Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Leave it alone and let her move on with her life. Doesn't sound like she needs an apology from you. Link to post Share on other sites
childishregrets Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 I really cant understand you guys and girls at all... Why advocate NC when it was abruptly ended? If her friend says she is bitter then she is BITTER.She probably hates your guts and yet still loves you. If she really gives you a going over and spills out how much u hurt her i bet she knows that it means your gone and i bet she doesnt quite want to do that so she has vented her anger. Anger can consume trust me i have been there over a Cold ex who replaced me and jumped off the face of the earth and eventually got married 7 years later and never once admitted it or said sorry and to this day i despise her for that. If you hurt her then tell her for god sake.Going NC and expecting her to heal without this is selfish and immoral.I know the benefits of NC but there comes a time when certain things are done that by just leaving and going NC it can be much more cruel than owning up to what you have done. I think u will regret it if u dont later in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author budisudaryo Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 I really cant understand you guys and girls at all... Why advocate NC when it was abruptly ended? If her friend says she is bitter then she is BITTER.She probably hates your guts and yet still loves you. If she really gives you a going over and spills out how much u hurt her i bet she knows that it means your gone and i bet she doesnt quite want to do that so she has vented her anger. Anger can consume trust me i have been there over a Cold ex who replaced me and jumped off the face of the earth and eventually got married 7 years later and never once admitted it or said sorry and to this day i despise her for that. If you hurt her then tell her for god sake.Going NC and expecting her to heal without this is selfish and immoral.I know the benefits of NC but there comes a time when certain things are done that by just leaving and going NC it can be much more cruel than owning up to what you have done. I think u will regret it if u dont later in life. But the thing is, she acts friendly toward me and why fix something that's not broken? I assume although she still feels bitter doesn't mean she's holding a grudge and over time the bitterness will be gone. I just don't want to open her healing wounds by bringing up this subject. Maybe this is the case of let the sleeping dogs lie and I have to live with this guilt for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Lionblue92 Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 After reading everything in this thread I realize I was in a particular situation with an ex of mine. We dated for about a year, and he dumped me. It was for the same reasons that you dumped her, and i dont know if it is because im only 19, and he was my first love, but it took me a good year and a half to fully get over him. Although I did date frequently and had relationships in the time between. After the break up we started off trying to be friends, talking occasionally, but that made it WORSE. Because I always had the feeling that MAYBE one day soon we would be back together. It took me having to COMPLETELY let him go, meaning no facebook. texts/calls to heal. It helped sooo much. Just not talking to him ever again. We did end up having a two hour phone convo about two years later tho, shortly after my birthday just to catch up. How long were you with her? On her end, I commend her for being able to be your friend in the way that she has after such a horrid break up. The only way I can see her doing this is because she is not over you and may have a little hope. If I had been a friend of hers, I'd beg her not to hang out or talk to you because she needs time to heal. But thats too late now.... also, I hope she would never find out about you dating her friend...because..well...that kind of makes this whole thing questionable. If I found that out, it would ruin my self esteem...and convince me that you could have never cared about me to date my FRIEND. What made you want to be friends with her anyway? Your not romantically interested, so whats the point exactly..? Link to post Share on other sites
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