Should I apologise to my ex because I left her coldly?

[Sugarkane]

Why do you string her along? Are you hoping for some casual sex?

[childishregrets]

But the thing is, she acts friendly toward me and why fix something that's not broken? I assume although she still feels bitter doesn't mean she's holding a grudge and over time the bitterness will be gone. I just don't want to open her healing wounds by bringing up this subject. Maybe this is the case of let the sleeping dogs lie and I have to live with this guilt for a while.

 

Has she settled with a guy since then? You sure she is not just still making herself available? All u have to do is one tiny thing its called ask her.If you two are so friendly then ask yourself this... You are here on LS posting about guilt whats to say she is not here posting on LS about resentment?

 

Its easy to hide yet saying sorry is even easier even if she doesnt need it now surely she has questions? Marriage was talked about here so she was serious....

 

Just offer it to her, say u feel guilty and if she wants answers she can have them if she says no then so be it.You can tell us all about it once u tell her.

[Sugarkane]

Or just in case it doesn't work out with this other girl?

[Sugarkane]

I think it's a shame you didn't tell her that her neediness annoyed you. Why do dumpers do this? Why did you say nothing until it's too late? Why couldn't you actually communicate?

[The Poster]

I am in the same shoes as your ex.

 

My ex left me coldly too. Like my feeling didn't matter and like I was meaningless to her.

 

An apology from her would mean the world to me. Does it matter? In the long run, I guess not. But to hear her tell me she's sorry for what she did would make me feel a lot better about everything.

 

Apologize to her.

[Sugarkane]

You obviously weren't ready for marriage if you could so easily give up on this girl. And then date someone else soon after.

[budisudaryo]

 

How long were you with her?

 

What made you want to be friends with her anyway? Your not romantically interested, so whats the point exactly..?

 

It's 4 years since we became official to the last breakup. But we broke up twice before that so actually we were together for about 3 years.

 

I didn't say I want to be friends with her. I just like to keep things civil with her. As I said, I rarely initiate contact, if at all.

 

Why do you string her along? Are you hoping for some casual sex?

 

Why do you have the idea that I'm stringing her along? It's not like I flirt with her or something. She's the one who starts conversations and I just response to what is needed to be responded. And I have no idea whether she's over me or still has feelings.

 

Has she settled with a guy since then? You sure she is not just still making herself available?

 

Nope, since the breakup she hasn't been with anyone. Not even a fling or something. I know this from a mutual friend and also judging by her social website profiles.

 

I think it's a shame you didn't tell her that her neediness annoyed you. Why do dumpers do this? Why did you say nothing until it's too late? Why couldn't you actually communicate?

 

Honestly, when I broke up with her I couldn't explain the cause of the lost feelings. I even said this to her, that I didn't know what went wrong. But I mentioned the fact that the last few weeks before the breakup we fought more than before. It's only months later that I realize that the neediness was probably the cause.

 

You obviously weren't ready for marriage if you could so easily give up on this girl. And then date someone else soon after.

 

I didn't say I was ready. I just wanted to make it clear to her that I want this relationship to end in a marriage someday. So we had to prepare ourselves for it.

Edited January 9, 2012 by budisudaryo

[childishregrets]

Nope, since the breakup she hasn't been with anyone. Not even a fling or something. I know this from a mutual friend and also judging by her social website profiles.

 

Then thats why she is being nice.She is still waiting for you why else would she be single? I guarantee now she is angry with you and is just too scared to let it out... Ive been there so seriously say sorry to her.... 3 years of her life ur talking about here and ur holding back on something so small.

 

GL

[Million.to.1]

I can't believe that no one else has mentioned the fact that you ended a relationship with her and then hooked up with HER FRIEND! Even if she doesn't know about it, this is just so horribly disrespectful, that to me, it outweighs the reason for the break-up. If she was to EVER find out about this, it would break her even more. What were you thinking!?! how utterly selfish!

 

You want to ease your guilt over ending something that you needed to end? I don't think you did anything wrong by breaking up with her. Many might say that you should of told her the reason, that she was too possessive, but really... what dumpers give honest answers when breaking someone's heart? It's hard enough without saying, "you did this wrong and that's why" ... and besides, she has probably figured this out herself in the reflection she would of made on the relationship since. If fact, she probably blames herself for a lot.

She is still single and is still healing, and yes, putting on a brave face for you. Poor girl.

 

I think that you really feel guilty over this relationship you had with her friend. That is really low. To do this after such a serious long term relationship with someone she knows after only a few months is pretty lame.

If you want to feel guilty, feel guilty about that.

 

And maybe... if you want to do her a favour, get this mutual friend to tell her about how you hooked up with her friend while she was still in a state of serious emotional turmoil after you broke her heart. Sure, It will upset her, but it will give her insight into exactly the type of person you are and only serve to fuel her reasons for moving on to a better life without you.

[budisudaryo]

Then thats why she is being nice.She is still waiting for you why else would she be single? I guarantee now she is angry with you and is just too scared to let it out... Ive been there so seriously say sorry to her.... 3 years of her life ur talking about here and ur holding back on something so small.

 

GL

 

I don't think she's been waiting for me. We're in NC for 6 months and she didn't make any attempt to contact me except on my birthday.

 

I can't believe that no one else has mentioned the fact that you ended a relationship with her and then hooked up with HER FRIEND! Even if she doesn't know about it, this is just so horribly disrespectful, that to me, it outweighs the reason for the break-up. If she was to EVER find out about this, it would break her even more. What were you thinking!?! how utterly selfish!

 

When I hooked up with this girl, I was pretty sure that my ex was already over me. And I didn't think she would object too much if this friend of hers told her about us. But this girl didn't think that way, and maybe she's more right seeing that they're good friends that share stories to each other.

[Standard-Fare]

It almost seems like you're just now experiencing a very delayed emotional response to the breakup of a long-term relationship.

 

Because honestly, your reaction at the time of the breakup does indeed seem cold (as you yourself have identified). Not many people, whether the dumper or the dumpee, would have an easy time ending a four-year relationship that was potentially heading toward marriage. That usually involves anguish and pain for both parties. It seems like you were somehow able to numb yourself. Maybe it was a defense mechanism, maybe you were just being immature -- who knows.

 

I think you're just realizing how painful and confusing this must have been for your ex, for you to abruptly just "shut down" on her, and switch from love to no love.

 

After reading all of this I do think your ex would really appreciate an apology -- you should explain to her that you don't understand your own response to the breakup but realize now that it was cold and must have only worsened her pain. From there, determine whether this friendship is a good idea for anyone.

[Lionblue92]

i can't believe that no one else has mentioned the fact that you ended a relationship with her and then hooked up with her friend! Even if she doesn't know about it, this is just so horribly disrespectful, that to me, it outweighs the reason for the break-up. If she was to ever find out about this, it would break her even more. What were you thinking!?! How utterly selfish!

 

You want to ease your guilt over ending something that you needed to end? I don't think you did anything wrong by breaking up with her. Many might say that you should of told her the reason, that she was too possessive, but really... What dumpers give honest answers when breaking someone's heart? It's hard enough without saying, "you did this wrong and that's why" ... And besides, she has probably figured this out herself in the reflection she would of made on the relationship since. If fact, she probably blames herself for a lot.

She is still single and is still healing, and yes, putting on a brave face for you. Poor girl.

 

I think that you really feel guilty over this relationship you had with her friend. That is really low. To do this after such a serious long term relationship with someone she knows after only a few months is pretty lame.

If you want to feel guilty, feel guilty about that.

 

And maybe... If you want to do her a favour, get this mutual friend to tell her about how you hooked up with her friend while she was still in a state of serious emotional turmoil after you broke her heart. Sure, it will upset her, but it will give her insight into exactly the type of person you are and only serve to fuel her reasons for moving on to a better life without you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

yessssss!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sugarkane]

It annoys me to no end when guys to this. Why are you so crap at communicating?

[Sugarkane]

Sounds like you used your ex for a confidence boost, while hooking up with this mutual friend of yours. Am I wrong?

[budisudaryo]

Dear Sugarkane, I understand what you're experiencing, I read your latest thread. But you seem to use my thread as a means to vent your anger instead of being objective. Here's the truth: most of the time, when someone leaves you, it all comes down to decreased/lost interest. That's all you need to know, don't expect some detailed explanation because the dumper might not be able to think clearly and explain their feelings well.

 

And no, I didn't use my ex for a confidence boost. I'll be the first person to be happy when she finally gets over me and finds somebody new.

Edited January 10, 2012 by budisudaryo

[Lionblue92]

Quick question-

 

You say you lost interest in the girl you were with because of her neediness and possesiveness. Correct? Now, in my personal opinion, a lot of guys say their girlfriends/ex's were/are needy..sometimes possessive, if the girl expected their significant other to fulfill needs that they felt were important. Sometimes even call them "sensitive" which was my case in my last relationship. (Which he only said to justify his actions.)

 

Would you say she was really that possessive and needy looking back? ANd if so, had she not been this way, do you think you would have stayed? Or were you losing interest anyway? Whether or not you felt she was being needy or possessive.

[budisudaryo]

 

Would you say she was really that possessive and needy looking back? ANd if so, had she not been this way, do you think you would have stayed? Or were you losing interest anyway? Whether or not you felt she was being needy or possessive.

 

She's not the most possessive girl in the world, but her possessiveness/jealousy/neediness was beyond my tolerance level. For example, she would be annoyed if I hung out with friends after a date with her. This went on for 3 years and I felt suffocated, hence the lost of interest. So yeah, had she not been this way, I might've stayed. This is hypothetical though, so I can't guarantee it. There's also other factors like her BPD and severe PMS.

[fiat500]

Well, OP. There's no harm in apologizing if you need to get it off your chest and get it out there. It would seem you think that an apology is necessary if you're questioning it.

 

I believe if I left someone 'coldly' I would issue a sincere and ballsy apology to them regardless of how many months/years. It should be classy and effective. I wouldn't expect anything in return from them except maybe a well deserved a$s reaming but it's very unlikely they would care by then or have the energy to be angry with you. I'm sure an apology may be appreciated at some point if not right away. You'd probably want one too if you were in her shoes.

 

If you want to clear the air and release yourself and her from any wrong you may have done her, go for it.

[radiodarcy]

i certainly can't speak for your ex but as someone who was dumped in the same manner (about 10 months ago) i would suggest you just leave it.

 

if you're back to being friends and she seems to have no ill will against how things ended, i don't see how dredging up the past is going to do any good. it may very well spark feelings - - good and bad - - both of which may have negative consequences for you; esp if you don't want to re-kindle anything other than a friendship with her. no point in offering up false hope.

[stellastreet]

She's not the most possessive girl in the world, but her possessiveness/jealousy/neediness was beyond my tolerance level. For example, she would be annoyed if I hung out with friends after a date with her. This went on for 3 years and I felt suffocated, hence the lost of interest. So yeah, had she not been this way, I might've stayed. This is hypothetical though, so I can't guarantee it. There's also other factors like her BPD and severe PMS.

 

 

 

 

Yot sound like a right bellend to be honest.

[Million.to.1]

When I hooked up with this girl, I was pretty sure that my ex was already over me. And I didn't think she would object too much if this friend of hers told her about us. But this girl didn't think that way, and maybe she's more right seeing that they're good friends that share stories to each other.

 

OHHhhhh, so that fact that YOU thought she was over you made it OK for you to hook up with her friend?! Righto!

 

What. a. douche.

 

 

I agree with stellastreet.. You are a bellend. Most girls would be pissed off if you'd rather hang out with your friends after a date with them. And all woman get PMS. You are clearly not ready for a relationship and too wrapped up in yourself to consider another persons feelings.

Do all of woman kind a favour and stay single. Leave your EX alone as you have clearly hurt her enough. This apology is all about you and easing your guilt, and will do nothing for her except make her feel obligated to accept it.

[budisudaryo]

Yot sound like a right bellend to be honest.

 

"Right bellend"? What's that? Is that supposed to be positive or negative?

[GreenPolicy]

I was in your ex's shoes and had the same happen to me:

 

Six weeks before D-Day: My ex-gf emails me suggestions for wedding venues and address me as fiance.

 

One month before D-Day: tells me that her parents want to meet mine for dinner and don't want to wait until the wedding.

 

Two weeks before D-Day: we go to a jewelry convention to look at wedding bands so I'd have an idea of what to get her.

 

Five days before D-Day: She told me that for her birthday (11/5) our anniversary (11/1) and Christmas that she wanted gold hoop earrings. So I email her after doing research online asking whether she wants white gold or yellow gold earrings. She emails back: "Oh, I'm glad you asked. I want yellow gold earrings, but I want a white gold RING!!!!"

 

Two Days before D-Day: Last time I ever hung out with her. Sitting on the couch at her apt when my mom calls. My dad had driven home drunk from work and crashed both vehicles pulling into the driveway. I leave my ex to go help my mom check him into a rehab facility. Yeah,

 

Let me preface this by saying that my ex NEVER communicated any relationship dissatisfaction to me. NEVER sat me down for a heart to heart talk and said "I don't like this, I don't like that, This needs to change," etc. After marriage was put on the table, she drove this just as much as I did when it came to making future plans. NEVER backpedaled on this. She said very little when she broke up with me, she was very vague but made it clear things were over.

 

I think you should leave your ex alone. I'd been yearning to hear from my ex for a very long time, but let's face it, an apology is just self-serving and to make yourself feel better. Your ex had to face the pain of being coldly and cruelly dumped without closure. She didn't share that with you, she has faced it alone. You're now feeling guilt over what you did. Don't share that with her, deal with it alone.

[GreenPolicy]

"Right bellend"? What's that? Is that supposed to be positive or negative?

 

British slang for the head of a penis.

[budisudaryo]

OHHhhhh, so that fact that YOU thought she was over you made it OK for you to hook up with her friend?! Righto!

 

What. a. douche.

 

 

I agree with stellastreet.. You are a bellend. Most girls would be pissed off if you'd rather hang out with your friends after a date with them. And all woman get PMS. You are clearly not ready for a relationship and too wrapped up in yourself to consider another persons feelings.

Do all of woman kind a favour and stay single. Leave your EX alone as you have clearly hurt her enough. This apology is all about you and easing your guilt, and will do nothing for her except make her feel obligated to accept it.

 

Call me a douche if you want but I know some cases (dating an ex's friend) where it ended up okay between all the parties when the ex was already moved on.

 

That doesn't make sense, girl. So a guy is supposed to go home after a date with his gf? He must reject his friends' invitation? "Sorry guys, but I just have a date with my gf so I have to go home." Wow, sounds weird. I know PMS was probably beyond her control and it's not one of the main problems I had with her. I shouldn't have mentioned it. It's just that I felt suffocated enough that I couldn't tolerate her PMS. And it's really severe, I know girls whose PMS is not too severe and can control it a bit.