Trying to be fair about smoking

[weeble78]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] Morning guys![/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I need some help with an argument me and my man had onFriday, as I don’t know if I’m being fair to him and I think I maybeoverreacted.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]History: together 2 years, living together one, had themarriage chat and general timeline was to get engaged by last year and marriedby this then have children. He has ahistory of smoking pot, said he wanted to give up when he met me, when we gotserious, when we moved in etc. Wentthrough a period six months ago of being out of work and stoned all day everyday – we nearly broke up - I hated it. Actually gave up 3 months ago and NYE told mehow much he loved me for helping him get off (I never did anything or advisedhim or gave him my opinions!) and that he needs a strong woman by his side andI’m that strong woman, and he can’t wait for us to settle down and I’m going tohave his twins etc etc. Background on me– I don’t mind taking stuff maybe 5 times a year on a ‘special occasion’ [/FONT]J[FONT=Times New Roman],but don’t need anything extra in my life to make it fun or to chill out. Him being high when I’m trying to chillaxjust annoys the pap out of me.[/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So the last 3 months have been bliss (since we talkedweddings etc). Seriously, we connect ina way I never imagined and we’re having the time of our life.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So anyway, last Friday he comes home having done a lot ofsales at work and generally excited for the weekend. Then tells me he’s got a huge bag of weed toget blasted. I was very disappointed as(a) I thought he’d given up and (b) I wanted us to go out for a cocktail, or gowatch a film, or stay in being naughty. As I prefer to avoid him like this, I suggested he go over to see hisfriends. So I went out with mine.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The next morning, he was out cold so I got up to go out fora lovely walk as it was beautiful. Before I left, I’d been up half the night stewing, and so wrote a lettersaying these things:[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I’m upset and disappointed you went back on your word aftereverything, I was frustrated that you said so many times you wanted to giveup. You say that you don’t remember whatyou said NYE and it was all rubbish – so I feel like everything you say isinsincere and what do I believe? (He gets mad at me for taking him at hisword). When we moved in together yousaid you wanted to give up smoking and get engaged – none of that hashappened. I was proud of you for havinggoals. Am I just sitting around waitingfor something that’s not going to happen? I also feel like I’m second choice to weed – I was so excited to spendthe evening doing something nice with you, and you were so excited to getbaked.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Anyway, when we hooked up later on he told me he would giveit up at home, but if he goes round to friends’ houses and it’s there then hewill smoke. I also told him that I don’twant to marry someone who smokes, or have babies with someone who smokes and hesays he wants to give it up by then. Iknow this might not happen.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So the problem is (if you’ve made it this far – have Ireally said that much?!) I feel like I’m being a little selfish, and I may havebeen too judgmental. I feel like its upto him what he does and it’s not fair if he can’t do it in the house. Also he said he thought I wanted to getengaged this year not last, and I feel like I’ve put him under pressure forproposing now too as well as giving up when really, he may not want to.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The day after, I told him sorry for not saying that I’m alsoproud of him for the last three months, and that I love him with all my heart.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Please, has anyone got any views, opinions or advice theycan give me on whether I need to make anything right?[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[weeble78]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] Morning guys![/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I need some help with an argument me and my man had onFriday, as I don’t know if I’m being fair to him and I think I maybeoverreacted.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]History: together 2 years, living together one, had themarriage chat and general timeline was to get engaged by last year and marriedby this then have children. He has ahistory of smoking pot, said he wanted to give up when he met me, when we gotserious, when we moved in etc. Wentthrough a period six months ago of being out of work and stoned all day everyday – we nearly broke up - I hated it. Actually gave up 3 months ago and NYE told mehow much he loved me for helping him get off (I never did anything or advisedhim or gave him my opinions!) and that he needs a strong woman by his side andI’m that strong woman, and he can’t wait for us to settle down and I’m going tohave his twins etc etc. Background on me– I don’t mind taking stuff maybe 5 times a year on a ‘special occasion’ [/FONT]J[FONT=Times New Roman],but don’t need anything extra in my life to make it fun or to chill out. Him being high when I’m trying to chillaxjust annoys the pap out of me.[/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So the last 3 months have been bliss (since we talkedweddings etc). Seriously, we connect ina way I never imagined and we’re having the time of our life.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So anyway, last Friday he comes home having done a lot ofsales at work and generally excited for the weekend. Then tells me he’s got a huge bag of weed toget blasted. I was very disappointed as(a) I thought he’d given up and (b) I wanted us to go out for a cocktail, or gowatch a film, or stay in being naughty. As I prefer to avoid him like this, I suggested he go over to see hisfriends. So I went out with mine.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The next morning, he was out cold so I got up to go out fora lovely walk as it was beautiful. Before I left, I’d been up half the night stewing, and so wrote a lettersaying these things:[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I’m upset and disappointed you went back on your word aftereverything, I was frustrated that you said so many times you wanted to giveup. You say that you don’t remember whatyou said NYE and it was all rubbish – so I feel like everything you say isinsincere and what do I believe? (He gets mad at me for taking him at hisword). When we moved in together yousaid you wanted to give up smoking and get engaged – none of that hashappened. I was proud of you for havinggoals. Am I just sitting around waitingfor something that’s not going to happen? I also feel like I’m second choice to weed – I was so excited to spendthe evening doing something nice with you, and you were so excited to getbaked.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Anyway, when we hooked up later on he told me he would giveit up at home, but if he goes round to friends’ houses and it’s there then hewill smoke. I also told him that I don’twant to marry someone who smokes, or have babies with someone who smokes and hesays he wants to give it up by then. Iknow this might not happen.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So the problem is (if you’ve made it this far – have Ireally said that much?!) I feel like I’m being a little selfish, and I may havebeen too judgmental. I feel like its upto him what he does and it’s not fair if he can’t do it in the house. Also he said he thought I wanted to getengaged this year not last, and I feel like I’ve put him under pressure forproposing now too as well as giving up when really, he may not want to.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The day after, I told him sorry for not saying that I’m alsoproud of him for the last three months, and that I love him with all my heart.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Please, has anyone got any views, opinions or advice theycan give me on whether I need to make anything right?[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[SoMovinOn]

First of all, let me do this...

 

Morning guys!

 

I need some help with an argument me and my man had onFriday, as I don’t know if I’m being fair to him and I think I maybe overreacted.

 

History: together 2 years, living together one, had themarriage chat and general timeline was to get engaged by last year and marriedby this then have children. He has ahistory of smoking pot, said he wanted to give up when he met me, when we gotserious, when we moved in etc. Wentthrough a period six months ago of being out of work and stoned all day everyday – we nearly broke up - I hated it. Actually gave up 3 months ago and NYE told mehow much he loved me for helping him get off (I never did anything or advisedhim or gave him my opinions!) and that he needs a strong woman by his side andI’m that strong woman, and he can’t wait for us to settle down and I’m going tohave his twins etc etc. Background on me– I don’t mind taking stuff maybe 5 times a year on a ‘special occasion’ ,but don’t need anything extra in my life to make it fun or to chill out. Him being high when I’m trying to chillaxjust annoys the pap out of me.

 

So the last 3 months have been bliss (since we talkedweddings etc). Seriously, we connect ina way I never imagined and we’re having the time of our life.

 

So anyway, last Friday he comes home having done a lot ofsales at work and generally excited for the weekend. Then tells me he’s got a huge bag of weed to get blasted. I was very disappointed as(a) I thought he’d given up and (b) I wanted us to go out for a cocktail, or go watch a film, or stay in being naughty. As I prefer to avoid him like this, I suggested he go over to see his friends. So I went out with mine.

 

The next morning, he was out cold so I got up to go out fora lovely walk as it was beautiful. Before I left, I’d been up half the night stewing, and so wrote a letter saying these things:

I’m upset and disappointed you went back on your word aftereverything, I was frustrated that you said so many times you wanted to giveup. You say that you don’t remember what you said NYE and it was all rubbish – so I feel like everything you say is insincere and what do I believe? (He gets mad at me for taking him at hisword). When we moved in together you said you wanted to give up smoking and get engaged – none of that has happened. I was proud of you for having goals. Am I just sitting around waiting for something that’s not going to happen? I also feel like I’m second choice to weed – I was so excited to spend the evening doing something nice with you, and you were so excited to get baked.

 

Anyway, when we hooked up later on he told me he would give it up at home, but if he goes round to friends’ houses and it’s there then he will smoke. I also told him that I don’twant to marry someone who smokes, or have babies with someone who smokes and he says he wants to give it up by then. Iknow this might not happen.

 

So the problem is (if you’ve made it this far – have Ireally said that much?!) I feel like I’m being a little selfish, and I may have been too judgmental. I feel like its up to him what he does and it’s not fair if he can’t do it in the house. Also he said he thought I wanted to get engaged this year not last, and I feel like I’ve put him under pressure for proposing now too as well as giving up when really, he may not want to.

 

The day after, I told him sorry for not saying that I’m also proud of him for the last three months, and that I love him with all my heart.

 

Please, has anyone got any views, opinions or advice they can give me on whether I need to make anything right?

[SoMovinOn]

I also told him that I don’t want to marry someone who smokes, or have babies with someone who smokes and he says he wants to give it up by then. I know this might not happen.

 

So the problem is ... I feel like I’m being a little selfish, and I may have been too judgmental. I feel like its up to him what he does and it’s not fair if he can’t do it in the house.

 

Please, has anyone got any views, opinions or advice they can give me on whether I need to make anything right?

 

Good that you're smart enough to know he may not quit. You can only really go by what *is* true. He's a pot smoker, and he may always be a pot smoker. If you don't want to marry or have kids with someone who smokes pot regularly, this is probably the wrong guy for you.

 

When someone uses the phrase "it's not fair", I view that as a red flag most times. It certainly *is* reasonable for you to have an opinion about what you are comfortable with in your house. It *is* reasonable of you to be judgmental of any person you would consider marrying and having kids with.

 

Yes - it's only up to him what he chooses to do. It's up to you if you choose to be a part of it or be OK with it.

[weeble78]

Thanks for sorting my post out - I tried twice and it wouldn't work!

 

I'm not too hard line on the pot smoking as we're not married and don't have children. I know that I don't ever want it around children and I guess I'm in ramping up to becoming a 'proper adult' now I think we're going to get engaged and go the whole hog.

 

A big part of it was that I was upset he decided to exclude me from the evening as he knows I see it as a waste of time and prefer to do other things when he does it. Also I was upset about the apparent insincerity of things said to me when half baked and I'm a little on edge about the whole proposal thing as it's something I want, so am nervous when he starts saying he's said things he probably didn't mean.

 

I haven't brought it up again yet, but feel awkward like I'm laying the law down - and I've never laid the law down like that. I'd hate it if he tried to do it to me, and I think it's made him feel a little restricted.

 

Am I being too much of a wussy and over-sensitive here? Is this the way it's supposed to work?!

[scaredandalone1223]

A lot of it will depend on his commitment and maturity level. My husband and I both really enjoyed pot before we had children. As soon as we had a family though our priorities and viewpoints changed. For years we smoked here and there. If the kids weren't around or we went somewhere like a concert or after the kids were in bed and we wanted to relax, neither are big drinkers. These instances we few and far between though. My husband has a job that doea randoms now so he quit completely a few years back. I haven't had any desire to do it since then either. If it were legal and we didn't have so much to lose we may still smoke a few times a year but it's not worth it.

 

As far as saying either no weed or no marriage most men do not like ultimatums. I think continue to discuss it with him and let him have his good times now and again. Talk in depth about how it will be handled once children come into the picture. Depending on whether it is 'medically' legal in your state discuss the implications it would have if he got caught. Pot smoking, IMO, is far less dangerous than drinking. If he drank occasionally would you want him to quit that? Look at it from that perspective. If he is mature and responsible about it weed wrecks far less than alcohol does.

 

The main thing is COMMUNICATION! Don't make him fewl like he needs to lie to you about it. Anything in excess is bad but in moderation marijuana can be just as easy for a spouse to do as drinking a beer or having a glass of wine.

[standtall]

weeble,

 

Be patient and wait for him to mature naturally. I'm sure he didn't go back to his 420 ways because he was lying to you at the time..at the time he meant what he said, but it is more than just smoking, it is a way to socialize with his friends. His friends will eventually outgrow it as well as they move into a more mature phase in their lives, and that will make it easier for him to outgrow it as well. I agree with wait scared said about ultimatums, avoid them or they will just set you up to be disappointed. My wife and I were big potheads in the early nineties, and we just outgrew it together with no real discussion at all. Now 20 yrs later and 3 kids, we are not herb friendly.

[weeble78]

So, I thought I'd add onto this post as it's pretty much a continuation from last week.

 

Basically, he thinks he can say he has pretty much quit, and is actually proud of that, and says that he wants to give up when we get married, and actually give up tobacco too.

 

I did tell him that I don't like having black and white rules like he can't smoke at home, but he said he preferred it that way.

 

So, fast forward to this week. He's been his usual lovely self - giving me lifts to and from work and cooking for me. He even came home after buying a Kinect game for us to play together (!) We have a nice weekend to look forward to - we're watching friends play in a band tonight (I'm going to see a friend who's leaving the country first, to which BF doesn't want to come) and tomorrow my friend is coming down from the other side of the country and we'd all arranged to meet up tm night.

 

So last night he gets a phonecall from a friend inviting him round to smoke at his with a couple other friends. He gets excited and says yeah. When he got off the phone I reminded him about our night out. He says ah well I don't get to do this very often. I said that we only see my friend once or twice a year whereas these guys live in Cardiff. He basically started an argument getting angry at me for having a problem. He offered to meet up early quickly with them, but they are busy earlier on. He then apologised for apparently forgetting we had a night out.

 

I am upset that not only has he sacked off me and my friends (again!!), but that he got angry over me getting upset about it and said I was causing drama.

 

We've had an amazing few months since our marriage talk, and I'd been walking around on cloud 9. Since the weed thing, things have changed and it's like he's saying f*** you I'll do what I want - even though I backed down a little bit.

 

Also about him agreeing to things and then backing out of it or saying he didn't mean what he said, I've started wondering how sincere he is about getting married. When I asked him last night, he said he thought I meant get engaged this year and get married next (we agreed get engaged last year and married this).

 

I texted him at work today as I was in floods of tears - been in a previous 7 year relationship where I waited and waited forever and forever to find out his intentions were b*lloc*s. I said I was surprised at his attitude to letting me and my friends down, and disappointed that he had again promised something he didn't live up to, and why should I continue to make him a priority when I'm only an option to him. He got sh*tty and said he'd already explained and I was still p*ssed then he'd cancel his whole night.

 

I've basically told him I'm tired of being taken for granted and upset that he seems more annoyed by the inconvenience of it all. I said that I'm starting to feel like he's getting cold feet.

 

That really kicked it off and he said the world doesn't revolve around me and he was switching his phone off as he doesn't want to discuss it.

 

Seriously, I've been walking around with my head in the clouds (he's been exactly the same) for months - excited about the prospect of engagement etc. In one week, he's gone back to angry man, ready to show me I'm not important to him at every turn.

 

Can anyone help or advise? Am I being overly dramatic or is he being a big turd?

[RecordProducer]

First of all, let me do this...

That was awfully nice of you.

 

Weeble, this guy sounds like a selfish prick. The weed thing is no good. Is he going to go to his friends' house to get stoned while you're staying up allnight taking care of a baby? Will he drive stoned and get into an accident? Sorry, maybe he doesn't drive at all, but you get the picture. There's no place for drugs in a family setting. He loves you on day and the next he acts like you're not important? Is this the kind of guy you want to marry?

 

You can't change him unless he wants to change,but what you can do is change the dynamics of you putting so much faith in him and him letting you down every time you cut him some slack. He knows you love him and want to marry him, and he's using it to his advantage. Because you care so much, he knows he can manipulate you. You should tell him that YOU don't want to marry HIM because he is not showing any effort to be the right man and do the right thing. It's one thing to be imperfect or have a bad habit, but another to disregard your partner's feelings and walk all over your promises. I think he'll drag the marriage date for as long as he wants to enjoy smoking pot. Do you think he'll ever care more about being married? He can have both you and his pot by not marrying you.

 

You don't have to give him ultimatums: me or the pot. But it's perfectly fine to tell him you're leaving him because he's not giving the pot up. And his decision to stop smoking when you get married - he's broken promises before. You neither know if you can trust him nor do you know when he is planning on getting married.

[RecordProducer]

Duplicate post.

Edited January 13, 2012 by RecordProducer

[whichwayisup]

I'm telling you, right now this guy has no intention of quitting drugs. If he did, he wouldn't have brushed you off and got so angry. Doing pot is number one. I'm sure he's probably smoked up a lot more than you realize, he's just hidden it from you.

 

Right now he is NOT husband material, nor is he father material. He's immature and selfish! And, that's fine if he wants to stay single .. But if he wants a life with you, children and to be your husband he needs to grow up and be responsible, loving, supportive and learn to communicate, compromise and not be a jerk.

[weeble78]

Ok, so last night he came home from work and came to talk to me, getting angry straight away. His argument was that he feels like I'm 'assasinating' his character (by saying I feel he's being insincere) and that I'm saying he's not good enough for me (with the weed thing etc). He then said there were things about me he doubts (the fact that we were arguing and I'm stubborn), and said I made him feel like he's got a donkey on his back about the getting engaged and giving up smoking.

It drives me crazy, because he was the one who said he wants to do those things!

I got upset as I felt he was making excuses, we rowed a bit, then I told him that I was very proud of him for giving up but felt he hadn't made it clear what 'giving up' meant. I also said that the getting engaged is down to him too, and yes it's his special moment as well. He brought up the money aspect saying that we have so many things to do (marriage, children, house, travelling) but he has plans for saving as he is doing incredibly well at his new job.

About the sacking me and my friends off, he got angry straight away again about that but I told him that in walking over our plans for his, he'd been selfish and handled it by starting an argument to dodge a bullet (so to speak). He apologised for that and agreed he could have handled it better.

I also pointed out that he is quick to anger and take every comment I make to it's worst possible meaning, and that if he is upset he should explain so to me instead of blowing up. He said I cut deep to the core in an instant, when I'm just trying to tell him how his inconsistency makes me feel.

 

I feel like I'm getting a handle on distancing myself slightly. Last night was the first time I have not got emotional whilst talking to him and I was actually the one to calm things down and get my piece said. He fully knows I don't want to marry a smoker - period. That includes tobacco. He has smoked twice since NYE, and the one bag he bought, once I'd told him where I was with it, he threw it away.

 

I'm not so much of a fool that I don't get he might sneak off to smoke or start seeing his friends so he can do it with them. I'm not interested in a life like that. And I've already told him that if thats what he wants for his life then that's fine. We both need a life that will make us happy and whatever makes each of us happy may not be the same.

 

I think the advice I'm looking for here is how to approach things to (a) protect myself, and (b) keep the drama down to a minimum, and © work out whether marriage and family is something we can achieve together or not.

 

RecordProducer, I am trying now to lower my faith level in him and put more faith into myself of achieving my dream of having a house and a family. It's something I will achieve with or without him. I was calculating finances for house buying yesterday, and he saw a window I'd left up on the lappy. He questioned me this morning, and I think he knows that I will go on wtihout him if that's what I need to do. I cannot begin to understand addiction because it's not a dynamic that is necessary to my happiness or coping strategies. It is for him, but he now wants to direct it elsewhere.

 

I made a big mistake worth seven years of my life - I'm not about to make a mistake again.

 

Hey, I feel like I'm in relationship 101 right now - the next step. I've moved on from wanting a beautiful relationship to wanting to be in a relationship where you take it to the next level of commitment and creating something new. Weird - only two years ago I was ready to act like a 20 year old again.

[weeble78]

God I wrote a massive reply to this and it's disappeared!!

 

Anyway.

 

Ok, so last night he came home from work and came to talk to me, getting angry straight away. His argument was that he feels like I'm 'assasinating' his character (by saying I feel he's insincere) and that I'm saying he's not good enough for me (with the weed thing etc). He then said there were things about me he doubts (the fact that we were arguing and I'm stubborn), and said I made him feel like he's got a donkey on his back about the getting engaged and giving up smoking.

It drives me crazy, because he was the one who said he wants to do those things!

I got upset as I felt he was making excuses, we rowed a bit, then I told him that I was very proud of him for giving up but felt he hadn't made it clear what 'giving up' meant. I also said that the getting engaged is down to him too, and yes it's his special moment as well. He brought up the money aspect saying that we have so many things to do (marriage, children, house, travelling) but he has plans for saving as he is doing incredibly well at his new job.

About the sacking me and my friends off, he got angry straight away again about that but I told him that in walking over our plans for his, he'd been selfish and handled it by starting an argument to dodge a bullet (so to speak). He apologised for that and agreed he could have handled it better.

I also pointed out that he is quick to anger and take every comment I make to it's worst possible meaning, and that if he is upset he should explain so to me instead of blowing up. He said I cut deep to the core in an instant, when I'm just trying to tell him how his inconsistency makes me feel.

So, maybe it's a bit of both - maybe I'm a turd and he's a drama queen.

 

RecordProducer - I'm well aware that I can't change him, only myself. So I've already got on the bandwagon to put more faith and love into myself. I've already started looking into if I could afford to buy a place myself with my savings, and am starting to feel ready to move on if I need to. I was doing mortgage calculations yesterday and looking at houses online - he pinched my lappy to look at something and saw - and noticed that I was setting out the mortgage as a single owner. I think he knows I'm for real.

 

This: "You should tell him that YOU don't want to marry HIM because he is not showing any effort to be the right man and do the right thing. It's one thing to be imperfect or have a bad habit, but another to disregard your partner's feelings and walk all over your promises." is what I'm listening to. And this is what I tried to do last night - make him face up to disregarding my feelings.

 

I wasted seven years with my last ex, and accepted a lot of pain, hurt and misery into my life - I'm not going to do it again. I need to have plenty of insight and be a strong person to get to where I want to - that's what I'm here for, to learn from other people.

[RecordProducer]

Weeble, nobody knows whether he's worth the trouble or not. Marrying is playing a guessing game. Sure, you know a lot about your partner, but there are things you don't (by "you" I mean the rhetorical you, all of us). And the things you don't know will surface. People let us down, it's a fact of life. And some things we knew from the beginning, but we tolerated them because we know nobody is perfect.

 

I don't know if you can do better than this guy. Even if you can, I don't know if you will. And maybe you're a complete fool who could have someone much more deserving of your love. You have to decide whether you want this guy as your kids' father or not. And no matter what you decide, you have to show him some tough love - and be consistent. He has to know that he can't have you unless he does the right thing.

 

May I ask, how old are you guys?

[weeble78]

People let us down - that's a fact I find so hard to handle. I am a person who is terrified of rejection and losing someone. I'm not close to family or friends - I have them, but keep people at a distance.

 

I feel like it's time for me to find my strength and fight for what I want but be prepared to be let down. Not to be weak and try to accomplish something through making him feel bad, but accomplishing something by being true to what I want out of life and actively trying to get it.

 

He has gone out with his friends tonight whilst I am getting ready to go out and meet mine. Before now, I would be in tears and stay in feeling sorry for myself and then try to make him feel bad for letting me down. Playing the victim. Tonight I have done my hair and makeup, danced around to some music and got excited about seeing my friend. It feels better.

 

You may be surprised, but I am 33 and he is 39. We both have sad backgrounds and, I fear, a tendency to play the victim out of being scared for striking out for something we want or challenging ourselves.

 

Does that make sense?

[oldshirt]

He's a pothead. It is who and what he is. People are an average of the 5 people that they spend their time with so since his friends are potheads too, that means it is an ingrained part of his lifestyle. He can promise he'll quit till the cows come home but people are what they do, not what they say they will do. I can promise you that I will be the ruler of the world but that doesn't mean that I'll actually do it.

 

I am not saying that he is a serial killer or a child molester or that he mugs and rapes little old ladys or is a bad person in any way. He may be a good, kind, decent person but if you want a partner that is not a pothead and doesnt' hang around with potheads and pot does not play a significant role in his life, then this guy just simply aint it.

 

You can't make him quit. He very likely doesn't want to quit, he just wants you to get off of his back about it. At best he may keep his pot use hidden and underground but the chances of a 39 year old pothead going clean is infintesimally small.

 

Your only real choices in this are to accept him as he is or let him go and find someone who isn't a pothead.

[whichwayisup]

Hate to say this, but at age 39, he isn't going to quit smoking dope. That time has come and gone.. Where he is in life, I can't see it. you both sound younger than you are, which is why I am surprised at his carefree attitude and immaturity considering his age.

 

Sadly, you have some choices to make here.. Either accept things as they are, and deal with this by compromising, doing couples counselling, or end it.

 

You deserve someone who is going to put you first and not bail on you when he doesn't feel up to being a partner.. He's already proven to you that he isn't reliable nor is he truly respectful and loving.

 

I wish you the best and I do hope one day you'll allow others to become close to you, whether it be your family and/or friends. You need people whom you can count on and be there for you during the rough times in life..

[weeble78]

I'm so drunk right now. I am angry and upset and ready to move on with my life - I am feeling so many things.

Why is my boyfriend not here with me to enjoy a night out with my friends???? Why am I no longer the amazing wonderful once-in-a-lifetimte person he used to think I was????? I haven't even heard from him tonight. Why can't I meet someone who thinks I am the best thing on the planet earth and who wants to love me and put me above everyone else and everything else????

I'm talkking crap and I'm sitting here looking good and feeling sh*t, Where's the man I thought eclopsed everything I've ever known?????

What do I do?

I feel like tomorrow I should tell him it's over and that I can't take being put second any more. I want someone who can't wait to see meand talk to me every day, someone who thinks the sun shines out of me - someone who couldn't think about living without me. Am I crazy????

I feel so alone and sad right now. Two weekends, every night on the trot, he has buggered off to smoke weed. And that he hasn't done for nearly four months.

Why am I a bad person for wanting him to stick to what he originally said? Why can't he love me more than weed?

Why am I never worht enough to just one person in the whole world. I just want to be important to one person.

Tomororw I think I should just rip the bandage off and tell him it's over. Go and be single, move on and buy a house but know that I'll be doing it alone.

 

Wh couldn't I be the one who ends up with ahappy ending for once?

Am I ranting?

[RecordProducer]

Why am I no longer the amazing wonderful once-in-a-lifetimte person he used to think I was????? I haven't even heard from him tonight. Why can't I meet someone who thinks I am the best thing on the planet earth and who wants to love me and put me above everyone else and everything else????

 

The answer to this question is here:

Where's the man I thought eclopsed everything I've ever known?????

You don't think that man exists anymore, he disappointed you and he feels like a failure in your eyes. He too wants to feel like he is your hero - but this can't be expressed with mere words. Men want to see that we are happy, that we love and admire them; on the other hand, they want us to not put up with any (major) crap, but we have to show boundaries without getting angry or acting clingy. This is hard because sometimes we're just sick of them and their behavior, but the bad news is they're sick and tired of us, too, no matter how right we may be.

 

What do I do?

Listen. I mean, REALLY listen to him. Let him know that it's important to you to know what he wants and feels. Don't tell him what would make you happy. He knows. He is not giving you what you want because you are not giving him what HE wants - NOT because he doesn't want to give you what you want. And when he gets what he wants, you will get from him what you want. Trust me. I have a lot of experience with mistakes and what to not do - and on the way I learned retrospectively what could have possibly worked. Angry fights that get out of control and end up with insults and breakups and expressions of failed expectations KILL relationships.

 

There are some golden rules that apply to relationships:

 

the less you demand,

the less you expect,

the less you care

the more you will get from a man.

 

I feel like tomorrow I should tell him it's over and that I can't take being put second any more.

This stuff doesn't work. It's counter-productive because it's focused on your needs and his failure to meet them. You want to sell him something that he doesn't want to buy. And you're angry because you want to sell him the idea of marriage and kids, and he says "No, thanks, maybe later!" You want him to come to you and be willing to pay whatever price for your product. The more you care to sell it the less he cares to buy it because it loses value when you're begging someone to buy it.

I want someone who can't wait to see me and talk to me every day, someone who thinks the sun shines out of me - someone who couldn't think about living without me. Am I crazy????

Yes, you are crazy, Ms. Carrie Bradshaw! Don't worry, we all are. He too wants to be your sunshine, but he feels like you're "assasinating his character."

I feel so alone and sad right now.

Ohh.

 

Two weekends, every night on the trot, he has buggered off to smoke weed.

Can you tell him that you forgive him but this is your last forgiveness and he either needs to promise not to smoke anymore or let you go? If he promises and doesn't keep his promise, it will be the equivalent of him kicking you out of his life. Smoking pot is not a legitimate hobby because it takes you away for the entire evening and if it happens regularly, then being high is more important than starting a family. Without being judgmental about it, you can explain to him that you want something different in your life. That you want a man who will be there for you and your future kids.

Why am I a bad person for wanting him to stick to what he originally said?

Because love is not a contract. You don't want him to marry you because he promised you to do so. Do you? You want him to marry you because he is sure he wants to. But he does have a weed problem. And stopit with the "bad person."

 

Why can't he love me more than weed?

Because he thinks he can have both. Why don't you love soap more than shampoo or the sun more than the ocean? Because you don't have to choose. If you leave him over the weed, he will know that he can't have both and he has to choose one. So, let him choose, but this time YOU must stick to your own word. If he stops smoking and then starts again, you must really leave him no matter what. It's very important because if there is any chance for happiness after a second screw-up, you'll have to show him that you're not joking.

 

Why am I never worht enough to just one person in the whole world. I just want to be important to one person.

You are important to him. But you have to be a little more relaxed and firm about this. He knows he has the upper hand because you're "chasing" after him. Unfortunately, a man will chase afteryou only if you have him on his toes, if he is not sure what you think and feel, if he believes that he loves you more than you love him. This entire crying, demanding, begging, screaming, self-pity, you-don't-love-me behavior just turns men off. Even if you don't tell him anything about how you feel, they sense it in your demeanor, when you get angry or jealous or sad or offended. You keep them on their toes when you don't even notice they're not around. You'll have your guy on his toes when you go out without him and enjoy yourself instead of missing him.

 

Tomororw I think I should just rip the bandage off and tell him it's over. Go and be single, move on and buy a house but know that I'll be doing it alone.

Don't do that. Tell him you're moving out because he cares about the weed more than about your relationship. If he stops you, give him the ultimatum. If he doesn't stop you, rent an apartment and don't contact him after that. If he promises not to smoke pot anymore but breaks his promise, rent an apartment, pack your bags and leave without announcing it. He must see that you're serious about not letting him smoke pot. As someone with a drinking problem, I know this works with me.

 

With all that being said, please take my suggestions only as options and not as ideas that work for the universe so they must work for you. You know your situation and you can weigh my advice against your particular circumstances and feelings.

 

Hope you feel better and please don't discuss any serious matters with him with a hangover.

[RecordProducer]

I am a person who is terrified of rejection and losing someone.

I understand you. I am, too. But the more afraid you are the more you lose the people you care about.

 

I feel like it's time for me to find my strength and fight for what I want

You shouldn't fight for what you want. Relax, instead, and appreciate what you have, because you end up fighting against what you don't want: you're fighting men for not wanting you. They want to hear that you can easily live without them in order for them to want you 100%.

 

but be prepared to be let down.

PLEASE, do not ever be prepared to be let down. That's pessimism that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Be only prepared to deal with being let down just by accepting the idea that if people let you down, it's okay, they are doing their best nonetheless - and you'll survive.

Not to be weak and try to accomplish something through making him feel bad, but accomplishing something by being true to what I want out of life and actively trying to get it.

I agree with this.

[weeble78]

I can't believe all the things you have said - it is exactly what I needed to hear, practical and logical. I don't know who you are but you are speaking a language I understand and can put into practise.

 

I appreciate you taking so much time to help me.

 

I've got up this morning and unsurprisingly he's not here. He promised to come out with me today as we haven't been out together since last year. Funnily enough I'm not expecting him back till late. I didn't even get a text last night.

 

Reading through what you've written, it answers the question I've been asking for so long. Why do men, at a certain point in our relationship, decide they're going to go out of their way to upset me? I really think you've found it - that I have a certain agenda and am trying to get my needs met, trying to sell my product and to get them to accept it.

 

This is the first relationship I've been in where i've even thought about marriage and children, and this is the first relationship I've felt myself starting to let go. I still find it hard to ignore the anger and emotion that's trying to burst out, it's a voice I feel I have to actively ignore. But this is the first time I feel a peaceful voice next to the angry one, telling me to relax, let go, and not try so hard.

 

the less you demand,

the less you expect,

the less you care

the more you will get from a man

 

I get it all - but I am struggling now with the 'less you care'. I feel like it's the last hurdle to get over.

 

Yes, you are crazy, Ms. Carrie Bradshaw! Don't worry, we all are. He too wants to be your sunshine, but he feels like you're "assasinating his character."

 

Ha ha ha, thanks for making me laugh!! It's true though, the more he made me smile and love him, the more love I got back. The more I was happy and telling people how wonderful he was, the more wonderful he was to me . I guess that's why it was such a slap in the face with the weed.

 

In hindsight, I guess I should have remained calm about it. Which I did till the next day - but it felt like he'd got away with it and I thought if he doesn't get any repercussion from it then he'll just do it next weekend.

 

Where am I going wrong in that thinking?

[RecordProducer]

It's true though, the more he made me smile and love him, the more love I got back. The more I was happy and telling people how wonderful he was, the more wonderful he was to me. I guess that's why it was such a slap in the face with the weed.

Great, you should laugh and smile as much as possible. Happiness is all about joy (unless something terrible is happening).

 

In hindsight, I guess I should have remained calm about it. Which I did till the next day - but it felt like he'd got away with it and I thought if he doesn't get any repercussion from it then he'll just do it next weekend.

 

Where am I going wrong in that thinking?

You know something is wrong. Your reaction shouldn't be that of an obedient woman, keeping her mouth shut when she has a right to say something. You should figure this guy out, once and for all: do you think he will be what you want? Is he what you want? That's your biggest problem, hon. That was my biggest problem: I closed my eyes on what a creepy jerk my ex-husband was. I forgave him everything. I screamed and broke things and got self-destructive and whatnot. For what? For a person who never deserved me or my love. You have to figure out what you want. You have to decide whether you want him or not. If things never changed, would you stay with him? If not, tell him. You owe it to him and to yourself and most of all, to your unborn child. You can't continue hoping he would change, lying to him you love him the way he is when you don't. You both deserve the truth.

 

You're setting yourself up for a rejection if you accept him the way he is but always criticize him because you aren't really happy with him. I was dumped by two ex-husbands who were way below my league and treated me badly. They dumped me because they knew they weren't good enough for me - they knew I'd dump them if they didn't dump me first. So, I ended up struggling with their rejection and suffering for a couple years after the separations. It crippled me emotionally. I so wish I left them instead, because they deserved nothing but my rejection.

 

You're still young, you'll have kids with or without him. Life can happen so fast. In one year, I started dating my first husband, married him and had twins. Life happens very fast when big things are happening. Don't lose focus and faith in love. You're so young.

Edited January 17, 2012 by RecordProducer

[jsb58]

the less you demand,

the less you expect,

the less you care

the more you will get from a man

I completely disagree with this! The more you demand, the more you expect of your mate, the more you care about your mate, the more your mate should STEP UP to meet those expectations!

 

If your mate won't step up, then he isn't who you should be with.

[denise_xo]

I don't generally think that the less you care, the more you will get from a man. But there is a fine balance between accepting a person as he/she is, and placing legitimate expectations on a relationship. At the end of the day, you can't change other people, but you can set your own boundaries in terms of what your objectives and expectations are. Sometimes people will rise to that expectation and it might even be a positive reinforcement for them to work on themselves, other times it's just going to fall flat. When the latter applies, being upset over a long period of time about how a person isn't what you want him/her to be is a waste of time. Accept, or act on the basis of that information.