Why do guys I just meet end up being obsessed?

[Tasha49]

I am so frustrated right now. And I honestly need some input maybe? Pleeeease?

 

Here's the thing: Any guy I go on a date with... ends up basically being obsessed with me. For example, one night i went out with a guy to his place for a movie. We spent about 2 hours together. Then I went home. Nothing happened at all. Then the next time I came over for a movie about 2 hours into the night again and he goes in for a kiss. Then he tried to sleep with me but I told him I don't do that so early on. He respected me and then ever since he was obsessed. In a total of only knowing him and meeting him for 4 hours. Saying I make him the happiest man ever and how he has never felt this good. Telling me his couch smells like me since I was sitting on it the day before. Then he said he wants his bed to smell like me too and his pillows blah blah. Telling me he requested the same day off that I had so we could have an "us" day. And how the Smile song by Uncle Kracker reminds him of me and how amazing I make him feel. I got freaked out and told him he is moving way too fast. I really dislike men who basically have our lives planned out from the start.

 

Then a guy I went out with told me he really loved me after 2 weeks of knowing me. I broke up with him because I didn't believe he loved me that soon and if he did I didn't think he knew what love really was and so the anticipation of falling in love was gone for me since he already "loved" me so early on. He'd be asking me to marry him 2 months later I assumed... I ran.

 

And this guy I just went on a date with tonight takes the cake... He was already planning our future, literally. And this was a guy I met online and was the first time I actually met him. He took me to dinner then we went bowling where he kissed me in front of everyone and was saying "That's my girl" every time I got a good score. He was wrapping me in his arms and kept kissing me the whole time. 2.5 hours in to the date...

 

When we finished the plan was to go to his place to watch a movie. I agreed to it. Bad idea. We were talking and then started kissing and then he tried to sleep with me but I told him not yet. He said he understood. Then kept trying to turn me on to see if he could push my limits. I finally set my foot down firm and then suggested we just watch the movie. About a minute later he starts getting into this deep conversation ahout how long he has been waiting for a girl like me and that he thinks it was meant to be. He was then talking about making me a future wife and supporting for me and our kids. He told me we're going to have an amazing life together and how he wants to take me all over the world. He also started calling me baby and babe and told me he's taking his profile down from the site because he's the happiest man in the universe. He also says he wants to wake up with me every morning for the rest of our lives. Then when he dropped me off he gave me a hug and kiss and said, "You will always be in my heart forever and always." Uhhhhh...

 

Okay, so... I get it. He really likes me. But HOLY CRAP that is too much too soon. I feel like he'd be saying I love you in like two days from now.

 

Do any of you have an idea as to why men are so obsessed? It's driving me insane!

[Tasha49]

For the record... I am not a commitment phobe. I want a relationship really bad I hate being sigle. I want to get married someday and have kids. But I want to take things slower and get to know the person before we just jump head first into everything. When they get all obsessed it makes me feel like I have to hurry my feelings.

[ThaWholigan]

I'd wager this is a desperation issue. Maybe the guys you are dating are not relaxed in a dating environment due to lack of interest from women. I know how that feels and, baring that in mind, it's very easy to be on a date with a girl and your head starts playing tricks, you start thinking about how great it would be as a couple and all that stuff.

 

It sounds ridiculous, but when you are insecure about dating women, you will pull out all stops and do some pretty ridiculous stuff. I am very lucky to recognize this for what it is, but some guys will have difficulties because they are not used to dealing with it effectively, and they just push on and project their fantasies onto unsuspecting girls who either just want to date and have a good time while getting to know you, or just a casual hook-up.

 

Chalk it up to their inability to control that side of them, and as a result, a failure to be truly relaxed, which is an attractive state to be in.

[vsmini]

Aside from all of them becoming obsessed - what else do these guys have in common?

 

How old are they? They sound pretty young- high school? early college?

How are you meeting them? Through friends or all online?

 

Even though their behavior is beyond annoying it doesn't strike me as so common as you would get hit with so many of these kinds of guys in a row. I'm not saying it's your fault but look at what pool you're picking these guys from. Maybe a change is in order on your end.

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like you've found a nice batch of desperate guys. Do not take that as an insult, they are desperate for sex for the most part, maybe a deep connection with some. Sounds like they are trying to play the game and get you emotionally hooked so they can hook up themselves.... but they are inexperienced in doing so.

[curlygirl40]

I am having this issue too and I've been thinking a lot about it.

 

O.K, so I wouldn't say obsessed with me, but I would say planning our future out EARLY. Like second date early. We're on our second date and he's talking about Christmas together (which at that point was 3+ months away) and talking about taking me away for the weekend after the new year. Telling his kids about me, etc. He told me early on that in 10 years of dating he's never met anyone like me, and he's looking for the faults but he can't find any. (Oh, they are there big guy)

 

Another guy said "Please don't be scared away but I don't know if you realize how deeply I feel for you, Curly". After ONE WEEK of knowing each other.

 

Another guy on the second date said 'you have me, you know that don't you?'. Blech

 

It creeps me out. Mostly because I just don't move at that pace. It seems unnatural to me. Whatever happened to dating and just getting to know each other?

 

I get that someone can have those feelings early. Like wow, I really like this girl, this could be something. But why are they putting their cards on the table so early?

 

This is what I've come up with. Seems like a lot of women in the age group I'm dating in (early - mid 40's) are in a rush to commit and be in a relationship. From talking to a lot of guys I know and meet, some of them are looking for a guy to support them, some of them are looking for a father figure for their kids, and some are just lonely and want to be with someone and want their happily ever after to start right now. These guys are used to that, so they kinda pull away when they meet a girl like that. Then they meet someone like me who needs to go slowly, who needs their space and to get to know each other slowly, etc. and they are the one's pushing because they feel you pulling away.

 

One person is chasing, one is keeping their guard up. One person wants the other person more because they aren't sure they 'have them'. It's a push/pull thing.

 

So you are giving off the vibe that you are hard to get or easy to lose, and it makes them chase harder.

 

That's my opinion/experience. I have been trying to figure out how to get guys to slow down for 1.5 years now. I have ended it with 3 guys that I really liked because they just would not slow down. It was too much/too soon.

 

Best of luck!

[TheSingleGuy]

I love this thread. In my opinion, these guys are all pretty normal. They just have bad "game". They are communicating how they feel verbally. If they had just kept the verbal stuff down, saying things like "That's my girl" and saying out loud how they saw you as the girlfriend, you would not be so turned off.

 

It comes down to desire. You can only desire that which you don't have, or that which isn't easily obtainable. These guys were all communicating, verbally, in plain English, that they were easily obtainable.

 

So the guy who comes along and doesn't say these things...he's got "game". And do you know how we men get "game"? Trust and believe we are not born automatically knowing how to behave in the presence of a beautiful woman whom we think we have a chance with. That's probably why women are generally attracted to older men, they have advanced their "game" to a higher level.

 

And a guy with "game" is precisely the guy you should be avoiding if you ultimately want a committed, exclusive monogamous relationship. He might commit, but if he's learned "game", you ought not easily trust him. The guys with bad game, these are the nice guys who would likely never cheat, likely never string you along for months without commitment. These are precisely the guys you should be attracted to, but you aren't.

 

Good luck with your search, but please bear in mind, those guys who get a first date and then they're cut off...they ARE completely heart broken. I met one woman right after my divorce who had been on like 35 first dates via the net in less than a year and she was not attracted to any one of them. She deserved all the feelings of heartache I gave her and then some. Just be careful because you are smelling like a rejection factory and it does sound like you are enjoying the ego boost.

[jobaba]

Sounds like you've found a nice batch of desperate guys. Do not take that as an insult, they are desperate for sex for the most part, maybe a deep connection with some. Sounds like they are trying to play the game and get you emotionally hooked so they can hook up themselves.... but they are inexperienced in doing so.

 

I agree with this. I think either they're desperate, or more likely...

 

They're playing a game to try and get you hooked. Men know women commit early emotionally, so they're trying to hook you within the first few dates so they can get sex.

 

Also totally depends on how old you are.

 

When I was 20, I fell head over heels in love with this woman after knowing her for a few weeks and talking to her a few times.

 

These days, that almost never happens to me. I usually have to spend at least 100 hours with the woman and even if it does, I usually brush it off.

[somedude81]

Wow, that's pretty odd.

 

I never fall for girls that quick and I'm very desperate. Nor do I tell them that I want to spend the rest of my life with them.

 

Seems to be that it might be a line, though I wonder if it actually works on girls. It certainly didn't work on Tasha49.

[FitChick]

The mistake is going to these guys' apartments when you don't really know them. No wonder they think you like them as much as they like you. Spend time with them on neutral territory and say goodnight there instead. It will buy time until you decide you want to take things further.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Do any of you have an idea as to why men are so obsessed? It's driving me insane!

 

Don't be daft. These guys are obsessed with getting into your pants.

 

When you say No, it probably throws them for a loop. A large number of the women out there are complete sluts, so these guys are most likely not used to a respectable female.

 

Saying No makes them want you WAY more, but they clearly have little experience in dealing with that situation. They respond with verbal diarrhea to prove they have feelings... with the goal of getting into your pants.

 

So... these guys are not obsessed with you at all. They are just obsessed with your vagina. I personally wouldn't date them again, but that's up to you.

[curlygirl40]

I love this thread. In my opinion, these guys are all pretty normal. They just have bad "game". They are communicating how they feel verbally. If they had just kept the verbal stuff down, saying things like "That's my girl" and saying out loud how they saw you as the girlfriend, you would not be so turned off.

 

It comes down to desire. You can only desire that which you don't have, or that which isn't easily obtainable. These guys were all communicating, verbally, in plain English, that they were easily obtainable.

 

QUOTE]

 

I agree with this. Like I said earlier, I think we've all been guilty (so to speak) of having these type of feelings early on, the question is why do they verbalize them. It's not just men, women do it too. They need to learn to play it cool and see what develops.

 

There's no quicker way to get me to run in the other direction than to start to feel responsible for someone else's feelings. When I feel that someone 'needs' something from me, that's what turns me off. I don't need a job, I have a job. I also have kids, ailing parents, a house to maintain, friends that I love that I don't get to spend enough time with. I don't need something else to 'do'. I need a partner, someone to have some fun with and take it from there.

 

So when someone gets clingy quickly it turns me off because I look at it as something else that I need to do in a day. The last guy I dated said to me 'are you going to have any time for me this week?'. Sigh. How about 'hey I'd love to see you let me know when you're not busy, what does your week look like?'. To me there's a difference in those two.

 

I guess it's possible that they think that's what a girl wants to hear to get her to sleep with him. Who knows?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Cuz tasha you sooo fiiiiine, you make da boyz go craaaazaay!

 

Hay hay haaay!

[TheFinalWord]

To the OP I think the movie stuff should be reserved for 5 or so dates in once you like the guy. A lot of people interpret being in a dark room with a female as a opening for physical action.

 

I've also posted this vid a few times. All men should watch it b/c we've all been guilty of this. Women take much more time to determine whether they like a guy. For guys it can move much faster, primarily based on how visual he is. If you're a beautiful woman it is going to take a guy with self-control to contain his natural instincts.

 

 

I love this thread. In my opinion, these guys are all pretty normal. They just have bad "game". They are communicating how they feel verbally. If they had just kept the verbal stuff down, saying things like "That's my girl" and saying out loud how they saw you as the girlfriend, you would not be so turned off.

 

It comes down to desire. You can only desire that which you don't have, or that which isn't easily obtainable. These guys were all communicating, verbally, in plain English, that they were easily obtainable.

 

So the guy who comes along and doesn't say these things...he's got "game". And do you know how we men get "game"? Trust and believe we are not born automatically knowing how to behave in the presence of a beautiful woman whom we think we have a chance with. That's probably why women are generally attracted to older men, they have advanced their "game" to a higher level.

 

And a guy with "game" is precisely the guy you should be avoiding if you ultimately want a committed, exclusive monogamous relationship. He might commit, but if he's learned "game", you ought not easily trust him. The guys with bad game, these are the nice guys who would likely never cheat, likely never string you along for months without commitment. These are precisely the guys you should be attracted to, but you aren't.

 

Good luck with your search, but please bear in mind, those guys who get a first date and then they're cut off...they ARE completely heart broken. I met one woman right after my divorce who had been on like 35 first dates via the net in less than a year and she was not attracted to any one of them. She deserved all the feelings of heartache I gave her and then some. Just be careful because you are smelling like a rejection factory and it does sound like you are enjoying the ego boost.

 

I agree with a lot of this, but I do think the OP is sending off signals with watching the movies alone, together so early on.

[jadedone]

Those guys were just desperate and over eager. Obsessive and clingy perhaps, but mostly just over eager and lacking the basics of the game.

[Tasha49]

I love this thread. In my opinion, these guys are all pretty normal. They just have bad "game". They are communicating how they feel verbally. If they had just kept the verbal stuff down, saying things like "That's my girl" and saying out loud how they saw you as the girlfriend, you would not be so turned off.

 

It comes down to desire. You can only desire that which you don't have, or that which isn't easily obtainable. These guys were all communicating, verbally, in plain English, that they were easily obtainable.

 

So the guy who comes along and doesn't say these things...he's got "game". And do you know how we men get "game"? Trust and believe we are not born automatically knowing how to behave in the presence of a beautiful woman whom we think we have a chance with. That's probably why women are generally attracted to older men, they have advanced their "game" to a higher level.

 

And a guy with "game" is precisely the guy you should be avoiding if you ultimately want a committed, exclusive monogamous relationship. He might commit, but if he's learned "game", you ought not easily trust him. The guys with bad game, these are the nice guys who would likely never cheat, likely never string you along for months without commitment. These are precisely the guys you should be attracted to, but you aren't.

 

Good luck with your search, but please bear in mind, those guys who get a first date and then they're cut off...they ARE completely heart broken. I met one woman right after my divorce who had been on like 35 first dates via the net in less than a year and she was not attracted to any one of them. She deserved all the feelings of heartache I gave her and then some. Just be careful because you are smelling like a rejection factory and it does sound like you are enjoying the ego boost.

 

I get what you're saying, but I somewhat disagree. I don't think it has anything to do with game. The men who don't just automatically jump into obsession mode, don't even give off the vibe that they're thinking half the things these other men say to me. I've had men show interest without seeming like they're already picturing a future together right from the start. I don't know... I thought it was common sense not to talk about these things on the first date. Marriage, kids, ex's, drama, etc. That shouldn't even be discussed on the first date. That would usually drive anyone away. I mean he was calling me baby/babe within 5 hours of meeting him. And prior to that we had only talked 4 days and nothing too much. I don't know, maybe some people hide it better than others. But why do men feel so strongly for me way too early on?

 

Also, to clarify... I do not have an ego whatsoever. I'm always the one afraid the guy may not like me on our first impression in person. And I am a shy girl and sweet and caring. I have no ego. This doesn't make me think "Damn, I must be pretty awesome."

[Tasha49]

Aside from all of them becoming obsessed - what else do these guys have in common?

 

How old are they? They sound pretty young- high school? early college?

How are you meeting them? Through friends or all online?

 

Even though their behavior is beyond annoying it doesn't strike me as so common as you would get hit with so many of these kinds of guys in a row. I'm not saying it's your fault but look at what pool you're picking these guys from. Maybe a change is in order on your end.

 

There isn't really anything they have in common other than being overly hooked from the start. One was my age (22), this last one was 21, and the other one was about 28.

 

I'm not sure what it is... I mean not every single guy I start to date is like this... but more of them than not.

[Imajerk17]

Lack of solid boundaries. I say run away from these guys!

[Tasha49]

Thanks for all the feedback everyone. I read it all and truly appreciate the lengthy responses. My computer is a slow POS so sometimes I can't get around to replying to everyone.

 

But I agree with most posts. And agree that yeah... I should probably stop going to their places. But one I actually knew in high school but didn't ever talk to him. And this last one I only agreed because he seemed so eager to watch South Park with me. I guess agreeing to go to their place is an easy invitation to try and get in my pants. Much easier than in public

[phillyfan]

Dude listen up. These dudes they ain't obsessed wit u, ths is standard playa practice 4 gettin a girl 2 hav sex wit them real quik. Afta thy get u in bed thy won't be obsessed no more. I think u r only datin playas rite now, thts why u r hearin so much 'be my wife, be my girl' BS - thy think I'll sleep wit them quicka.

 

Betta 2 go 4 a more decent type guy the likes u 4 u, n wil hav more respect.

[Dust]

I am so frustrated right now. And I honestly need some input maybe? Pleeeease?

 

Here's the thing: Any guy I go on a date with... ends up basically being obsessed with me. For example, one night i went out with a guy to his place for a movie. We spent about 2 hours together. Then I went home. Nothing happened at all. Then the next time I came over for a movie about 2 hours into the night again and he goes in for a kiss. Then he tried to sleep with me but I told him I don't do that so early on. He respected me and then ever since he was obsessed. In a total of only knowing him and meeting him for 4 hours. Saying I make him the happiest man ever and how he has never felt this good. Telling me his couch smells like me since I was sitting on it the day before. Then he said he wants his bed to smell like me too and his pillows blah blah. Telling me he requested the same day off that I had so we could have an "us" day. And how the Smile song by Uncle Kracker reminds him of me and how amazing I make him feel. I got freaked out and told him he is moving way too fast. I really dislike men who basically have our lives planned out from the start.

 

Then a guy I went out with told me he really loved me after 2 weeks of knowing me. I broke up with him because I didn't believe he loved me that soon and if he did I didn't think he knew what love really was and so the anticipation of falling in love was gone for me since he already "loved" me so early on. He'd be asking me to marry him 2 months later I assumed... I ran.

 

And this guy I just went on a date with tonight takes the cake... He was already planning our future, literally. And this was a guy I met online and was the first time I actually met him. He took me to dinner then we went bowling where he kissed me in front of everyone and was saying "That's my girl" every time I got a good score. He was wrapping me in his arms and kept kissing me the whole time. 2.5 hours in to the date...

 

When we finished the plan was to go to his place to watch a movie. I agreed to it. Bad idea. We were talking and then started kissing and then he tried to sleep with me but I told him not yet. He said he understood. Then kept trying to turn me on to see if he could push my limits. I finally set my foot down firm and then suggested we just watch the movie. About a minute later he starts getting into this deep conversation ahout how long he has been waiting for a girl like me and that he thinks it was meant to be. He was then talking about making me a future wife and supporting for me and our kids. He told me we're going to have an amazing life together and how he wants to take me all over the world. He also started calling me baby and babe and told me he's taking his profile down from the site because he's the happiest man in the universe. He also says he wants to wake up with me every morning for the rest of our lives. Then when he dropped me off he gave me a hug and kiss and said, "You will always be in my heart forever and always." Uhhhhh...

 

Okay, so... I get it. He really likes me. But HOLY CRAP that is too much too soon. I feel like he'd be saying I love you in like two days from now.

 

Do any of you have an idea as to why men are so obsessed? It's driving me insane!

 

I forget are you the girl with the 2 diferent colored eyes?

 

Any ways listen up these guys arn't as obsessed with you as you might think. They just want to have sex with you real bad. If they arn't comming off genuine and you just don't like them then don't worry about it and move onto the next guy.

 

The thing is you were kissing with them and going back to their place where they tried to have sex with you... Stop going back to guys places unless you're ready for it to get hot and heavy. You put yourself in a potentionally awkward situation by doing that.

 

So are you going to see that last guy again the one who took you bowling and was kissing you and tried to have sex with you back at his place?

 

Wow, that's pretty odd.

 

I never fall for girls that quick and I'm very desperate. Nor do I tell them that I want to spend the rest of my life with them.

 

Seems to be that it might be a line, though I wonder if it actually works on girls. It certainly didn't work on Tasha49.

 

Well it some what worked. The last guy she hated most was kissing her the entire night and had his hands all over her... he'll always have that! Heck it isn't clear that she won't see him again.

 

The mistake is going to these guys' apartments when you don't really know them. No wonder they think you like them as much as they like you. Spend time with them on neutral territory and say goodnight there instead. It will buy time until you decide you want to take things further.

 

You mean going back to guys apartments conveys some kind of msg? (of course)

 

Don't be daft. These guys are obsessed with getting into your pants.

 

When you say No, it probably throws them for a loop. A large number of the women out there are complete sluts, so these guys are most likely not used to a respectable female.

 

Saying No makes them want you WAY more, but they clearly have little experience in dealing with that situation. They respond with verbal diarrhea to prove they have feelings... with the goal of getting into your pants.

 

So... these guys are not obsessed with you at all. They are just obsessed with your vagina. I personally wouldn't date them again, but that's up to you.

 

haha this was funny but true.

[Twos Company]

I second everything 'Just A Poster' said....you are going back to their place on date one? what guy is not going to try and make a move during a cosy night in with a movie. It would be more unusual if they didn't try.

Edited January 10, 2012 by Twos Company