A solution, or just asking for trouble?

[tonguetied]

I'm not even sure if this is the right forum for this anymore, but I have gotten some great responses and opinions around here, so it's worth a shot.

 

For those who haven't read my previous posts, a quick description of my situation. Been with my H for over 9 years, married with children, and a great relationship, with a healthy sex-life. I've been sexually attracted to another man for about 7 years, and have managed to keep myself from acting on this attraction thus far, but have struggled with it more in recent years than ever before.

 

So, my H and I have only ever slept with one another. It wasn't a conscious effort to wait for one another or marriage, we were 18 when we met, 19 when we did it, and have been in love ever since. We regularly have the "what if" conversations and discuss our curiosity together. We both wonder from time to time about sex with other people, what it would be like etc....

 

But what surprised me, was the conversation H had with me about a month ago, when we were having one of these "what if" conversations. Apparently, he thinks he wants to give me the permission to sleep with someone else... in fact, the thought of it, now turns him on.

 

I could make this post extremely long, as we've been discussing it nearly nonstop over the last few weeks. But the sum of it is:

 

He worries that in the future, we both may look back and wish we'd had one more partner. He believes our relationship is strong and healthy, and that being open and honest about this, we are actually making it better. That this is the only way for us to explore sexual curiosities and still be honest to one another, and that it isn't a betrayal of our trust and loyalty, if it is something we both want.

 

Now, for selfish reasons, I agree. However, I can't help but think to myself... WTF?? Are we foolish in thinking this could actually be a good thing? I never in a million years would have ever imagined these words coming out of his mouth, and now here we are and the more we talk about it, the more "turned on" we both are. I mean, we have pretty good sex, but lately, since this has been brought up, we've had a lot of good sex. But talking about it, is completely different from doing it!

 

So all of this conversation has really opened up a window for me, to be honest with my H. I plan on discussing with him, my sexual attraction to my good friend. I figure this is as good a time as any, and how he takes it will help us decide whether or not it is something we want to explore further.

 

I know there are many couple out there who practice open marriage, I must say, the thought has never really crossed my mind.

 

I wonder though, even with the permission, whether or not I would be able to go through with it...

 

If your SO were completely ok with it, and gave you the permission, would you be able to sleep with someone else?

[Philosoraptor]

Some people make it work but usually it becomes an issue. Would you be just as ok with him sleeping with someone else... because that is likely what is next.

 

To answer your question: No amount of permission would make me break my morals as I am a monogamist. I have nothing against open marriages but they are not for me.

[TigerCub]

A few questions:

 

- Does your H know your close friend that you're attracted to?

- I'm wondering if you H has a similar attraction to someone else and that's why he's bringing things up now.

 

I think the fact that you both want to explore and do it by also being honest instead of lying and cheating is great!

BUT - I know people in open marriages and it is a lot of work to actually keep the M together. Initially the idea seemed great, but they confess that they really had no idea how heavy the thing that they were walking into really was.

 

If it were me, I'd ask my H about his ideal "rules" about this before confessing a desire to sleep with a friend, because his rule may be to sleep with people you 2 don't really know

or they could be a don't ask don't tell kinda arrangement, but talk to him about his ideal rules about it before putting the idea in his head that you wanna bang a friend.

 

Also, can you honestly say that the thought of him sleeping with someone else wouldn't bother you?

I'm just saying, that right now, in talk it sounds hot, and the fact that you may get to finally sleep with someone you've wanted for such a long time, seems really great, but the reality of your H sleeping with another woman, and doing things to her, will have to be something that you know deep down and honestly you can be ok with - same goes for him.

 

I wish you luck and give you great credit for not acting on your desires for the other man thus far.

 

Open marriages are honest, but they are very tricky, and both people need to be really realistic about how they will handle it and really clear on the rules.

 

I have to be honest: I'm not against open marriages, but I am selfish in the sense, that I would think its nice for me to get a chance to sleep with someone else (maybe down the road if we get bored), but the thought of someone I love sleeping with another woman would be hard to deal with, so I wouldn't go for an open marriage. I'd just stick to the one I love and that would be that.

Edited January 9, 2012 by TigerCub

[frozensprouts]

I guess I am a monogamist too as the idea of sleeping with someone else besides my husband does nothing for me. infact, I don't like the idea at all and find it somewhat disturbing ( guess I am not great at multitasking )

 

That being said, if you and your husband can have an open and honest discussion about what he arrangement you are thinking of would like like, and you can come to an understanding and agreement of the terms that you would both follow, then maybe it's not such a bad thing if it's what you truly both want to do.

 

But to be honest, the idea that he brought it up as something he think you should both try for real makes me wonder if he doesn't already have someone in mind for himself. I may be wrong, but it does make me wonder.

[reboot]

 

If your SO were completely ok with it, and gave you the permission, would you be able to sleep with someone else?

 

No I wouldn't have.

[Spark1111]

I believe the fantasy can be a powerful one, and if talking about it is fueling your passions as a couple, so be it. No harm there.

 

I do not believe the reality of it will match the fantasy for most, and can, in fact, be very, very dangerous for most couples.

 

Very few men can overcome the visual of their wife with another man. Many men can have sex with another woman and not have any emotional bond with that woman.

 

Few women can do that. In fact, biologically, we fall in love with men we orgasm with.

 

Very dangerous territory here. Why risk it?

[Severely Unamused]

If your SO were completely ok with it, and gave you the permission, would you be able to sleep with someone else?

My stbxH did give me permission to sleep with other men and women. It wasn't important to me so I didn't pursue the idea.

 

I'd recommend googling "xeromag polyamory". Setting up a polyamorous relationship is generally quite a bit more complicated than just having extramarital sex but the website does discuss the importance of boundaries, communication, jealousy management etc. IMO a lot of the information provided is useful if you are planning on opening up your marriage.

 

You might be interested in Dan Savage's stuff too.

Edited January 9, 2012 by Severely Unamused

[confusedinkansas]

Hubby gave me "permission"

Didn't bother him but over time it screwed me up pretty bad at the time.

 

It's all in your preception of the "Act." If you can keep it as sex only - be ok with giving your husband every single little detail of the encounter (because he WILL ask for EVERY LITTLE DETAIL) & he's ok with it AND be prepared for him to do the same & You're ok with it - then I say GO FOR IT - Have Fun!!

 

Fast Forward 8 years past that time in our marriage. We don't have the same 'lifestyle' as before but he still brings up little this & that from back then. Kind of creeps me out now a lil'. But I'm older & would like to think a little wiser. (for our situation that is)

[tonguetied]

Didn't bother him but over time it screwed me up pretty bad at the time.

 

This. Honestly, I feel more messed up now, than I did when I was looking at the possibility of betraying my husband. That's messed up. I suppose the difference now is that before I was going to have to live with the lie and the guilt, and now I'd have to tell him the details. I've expressed to time, that I don't think I'd be able to tell him the details, but we know that we would have to at least admit to the act. Though we have both said, we would not want to know who it was.

 

My concern is that we may think it's ok now, but what if it becomes a problem later? My H is of the belief that we have a strong relationship capable of overcoming any of the problems that may arise from this.

 

I feel that it is something that I more than likely will be able do given his "permission", but fear it isn't something he will be capable of doing himself, and that will eventually turn to resentment towards me. Something we've discussed as well.

 

Honestly, the thought of him sleeping with someone else bothers me a little, but I've said in the past that I almost prefer he would at some point, (for selfish reasons, again). I don't think this set up would be a deal breaker, and we've discussed the fact that IF it were to happen, and we decided then that we do have more of a problem with it than expected, then we we would make the decision together, to not do it again.

 

We've discussed many scenarios, boundaries, "rules" even. I'd like to explore this topic with him some more, but my fear is that opening the discussion further will lead to the possibility of it actually happening, before we are ready to deal with the possible stress and complications of the situation.

 

I wonder if my fears about it all are compounded by the guilt I've already been harbouring?

[whichwayisup]

YOu have been sexually and probably emotionally too, attracted to someone else for 7 years.. That is NOT the person to have sex with as I think you'll fall for him, screwing up what you have at home with your husband.

 

Don't do it. Both you and your husband should focus on eachother, use the fun and fantasy, what if talks and encorporate into your sex life. Actually going and doing it with another man (or your H with another woman) IS asking for trouble and your marriage will change as you know it.

[SoulStorm]

This. Honestly, I feel more messed up now, than I did when I was looking at the possibility of betraying my husband. That's messed up. I suppose the difference now is that before I was going to have to live with the lie and the guilt, and now I'd have to tell him the details. I've expressed to time, that I don't think I'd be able to tell him the details, but we know that we would have to at least admit to the act. Though we have both said, we would not want to know who it was.

 

My concern is that we may think it's ok now, but what if it becomes a problem later? My H is of the belief that we have a strong relationship capable of overcoming any of the problems that may arise from this.

 

I feel that it is something that I more than likely will be able do given his "permission", but fear it isn't something he will be capable of doing himself, and that will eventually turn to resentment towards me. Something we've discussed as well.

 

Honestly, the thought of him sleeping with someone else bothers me a little, but I've said in the past that I almost prefer he would at some point, (for selfish reasons, again). I don't think this set up would be a deal breaker, and we've discussed the fact that IF it were to happen, and we decided then that we do have more of a problem with it than expected, then we we would make the decision together, to not do it again.

 

We've discussed many scenarios, boundaries, "rules" even. I'd like to explore this topic with him some more, but my fear is that opening the discussion further will lead to the possibility of it actually happening, before we are ready to deal with the possible stress and complications of the situation.

 

I wonder if my fears about it all are compounded by the guilt I've already been harbouring?

This is not wise to do. Open Marriages have high failure rates as far as the "openness" of it is concerned. This is playing Russian Roulette with a six shooter and five bullets.

 

Google the movie "the freebie" and watch it if possible. This could be you and your husband.

[Owl]

This is nearly always a horrible idea.

 

I've known several couples over the years who've tried something similar, and it nearly always ends up in the destruction of the marriage.

 

One party either gets tired of the "lifestyle" and wants to quit...but the other is having too much fun and either won't stop, or ends up resenting the other person for being forced to do so.

 

Or, one party wants to stop, but doesn't want to say anything...so the resentment builds until there is an explosion the Pelee would be proud of.

 

Or, one person or the other "crosses the line" and it becomes an emotional entanglement outside of the marriage as well...

 

The list can go on.

 

Bottom line...perhaps a fun fantasy for some, but nearly always a really, really bad idea in practice.

[Steen719]

My answer is not judging, so do not take it as that. I think that in this world, it is so hard to find someone who always has your back and loves you and believes in your relationship enough to stay together, just the two of you, for a long time, that if given the opportunity to do anything to harm that, I would not, for one moment, think about doing it.

 

I don't think the relationship I have described above is that easy to come by. If you value your love and marriage with your H, why even take the chance to harm it? Sex is good, so vary it with the two of you. I have never been in an open marriage, so I cannot speak from experience, but the few people I know who have done so, do not have the same bond that, I believe, helps them through the hard times and they end up unhappy or apart or both.

 

That being said, other things can destroy that bond, as in my case with my H's infidelity (the 2nd time) and of course, people have all kinds of reasons they leave their spouse, or their spouse leaves them. I guess that is sort of my point. Why do anything to harm a good relationship when there are so many influences on your marriage, anyway. My 2 cents.

[Fabian Montenegro]

IMO it's an extremely good idea to be completely honest about your past with your husband before going down this path. This is one of those things where you both have to be completely honest with how you feel.

 

It's a huuuuge test of your communication skills. Judging by your 7 year deal, I think that the two of you need to bolster your marriage before considering this seriously.

[Chi townD]

Worst idea in the world. If you go through with it, you might as well just end your marriage so the both of you can sleep with whoever you want.

 

There are chances that you may fall for this other person (and vice versa). You sleep with someone else and you are going to get hit with a lot of questions. " Did you have a orgasim?", "Was he better than me?", "Is he bigger than me?" Very uncomfortable questions.

 

And let him find out that you did something in the bedroom that you've never let him do. He'll start to wonder why you can let a stranger do that, but not your husband. Then, jealousy rears his ugly head.

 

And not to mention what would be going throught your mind, " Does he disrespect me so much that he doesn't care about sharing me with others? Does he even love me?"

 

Given the above example of what may happen, is it actually worth it? Having a fantasy is one thing. However, once fantasy becomes reality, that's when your world falls apart. Now, is sleeping with other people worth losing each other? If it's that important to you, then divorce each other because the alterative is a hellva lot more painful.

[nofool4u]

I know there are many couple out there who practice open marriage

 

And everyone that has ever posted about it tell the story of how it doesn't exactly work, and for obvious reasons.

 

 

I wonder though, even with the permission, whether or not I would be able to go through with it...

 

Oh I think you can go through with it, its handling the thought of your H being pleasured by another woman you won't be able to handle.

 

Anyone that suggests an open marriage, or where they give a one time permission or whatever, only thinks about it from one side...that they themselves will get to have sex with someone else. Oh sure, one spouse giving permission to screw someone else so that they think they have a green light to do it themselves sounds good, but only until after its all been done.

 

If your SO were completely ok with it, and gave you the permission, would you be able to sleep with someone else?

 

 

Absolutely not. I'm in a relationship because I only want one person. And if a SO of mine suggested it, I'd show them the door. Mainly because it means they are just looking for a way to have sanctioned sex with someone else.

[make me believe]

I don't see how bringing a 3rd or 4th party into a marriage can EVER be a good thing.

 

What is "one more partner" going to bring to your life??? I think you are both being unrealistic about this and romanticizing sex with others too much. What if the "one more" partner is awful in bed? Then are you going to want one MORE so you can find someone good?

 

Also, what happens if one of you starts to have feelings for your other sex partner? You can't just will feelings away or prevent them from popping up. It's natural to become emotionally attached to someone you are being physically intimate with. ESPECIALLY since the guy you want to do it with is someone you've already had on your sexual/emotional radar for the past 7 years.

 

I think the reality of what you're thinking about doing will be MUCH, MUCH messier than the fantasy in your head. I would be extremely concerned if my H came to me and suggested something like this. I would be worried that he'd already done it and was trying to alleviate his guilt by changing the rules to make this within the boundaries of our marriage.

[nofool4u]

I don't see how bringing a 3rd or 4th party into a marriage can EVER be a good thing.

 

Oh I'm sure it all sounds wonderful to these people who want to have an orgasm with someone new.

 

Until their partner then does it too. Then all of a sudden they can't handle the thought of their spouse being pleasured by someone else.

[Severely Unamused]

OP, after reading up on your history, I seriously wouldn't recommend opening up your marriage anytime soon. At the very least, you need to resolve the skeletons lying in your closet with your husband. IME the transition from monogamy to non-monogamy is the perfect time for these sorts of issues to rear their ugly heads. Most marriages do not survive the transition for this exact reason. Naturally, non-monogamy gets blamed.

 

IMO the main issue here are your feelings for OM (yes, I would consider him to be an OM, despite the fact that you haven't done anything physical). Going to swinger's clubs, ONS and NSA sex with men other than your husband (I'm guessing that this is what he would consider appropriate?)...none of this will remove the elephant in the room.

 

Your interest in this OM has lasted for 7 years. There is a definite emotional investment towards this OM, on your part (else your feelings wouldn't have been sustained for 7 years). You've acknowledged that you probably wouldn't be able to keep things as "just sex" for numerous reasons.

 

Is your husband okay with you forming long-term emotional attachments with your sexual partners?

 

To put in bluntly, I don't think that this is going to end well.

[woinlove]

I don't know your back story, but if you have not been discussing your attraction to the OM with your H for the past 7 years so that your H already knows exactly how you feel about OM, the full extent of your interactions, flirtations or whatever, including your fantasies and what you would like to do with the OM, then I would say you do not have the type of marriage that would survive as an open marriage.

[beenburned]

Slight t/j : Most of the spouses I have known IRL, that have proposed an open marriage, were already cheating on their spouses, and wanting to make it a lifestyle.

 

Looking back with experienced hindsight, I would become single, and date anyone and everyone I wanted, before I would ever agree to an open marriage.

 

P.S. All of those marriages failed!!

[tonguetied]

Good morning! I have got to say that there has been a GREAT discussion, and I am so happy to have found this board, otherwise who knows the advice I'd have gotten elsewhere. Such a diverse group of people, and so many important things to consider.

 

H and I have been discussing this, almost non stop for just about a month now, the various situations and concerns we both have. The last few nights I have opened up entirely, and I couldn't be happier with the talks we've had.

 

That being said, there have been some things said in here, in particular that have really affected my own thoughts, and how I've handled these talks with H, and I want to take a moment to try to quote and respond to the things that really stand out in my mind right now.

 

 

IMO it's an extremely good idea to be completely honest about your past with your husband before going down this path. This is one of those things where you both have to be completely honest with how you feel.

 

This was the most important thing for me to do. There was no way I was going to be able to live with myself if we agreed to it without me disclosing everything with my H first. TBH, I think it made me feel even more guilty about the attraction than I already did.

 

Surprisingly, my H completely understands. (He was surprised to learn I was attracted to OM, which in turn surprised me, since I figured he'd been jealous of our friendship all these years, and I just assumed he knew there was an attraction there!) Being so open about it was awkward, and very hard for me, but in the end, H understands, and is completely trusting and supportive.

 

It was important for me to tell him about this attraction, as it put some reality to this "fantasy" of his. Before me disclosing all of this, the thought of me "banging" someone else wasn't nearly as real for him. It made him realize that there was a definite possibility of it actually happening, which brought about new fears and concerns for him.

 

Anyone that suggests an open marriage, or where they give a one time permission or whatever, only thinks about it from one side...that they themselves will get to have sex with someone else. Oh sure, one spouse giving permission to screw someone else so that they think they have a green light to do it themselves sounds good, but only until after its all been done.

 

Exactly how I was thinking about it. Of course we discussed the idea of H doing it as well, but in truth, neither he nor I feel it is something he would be able to do, whether I went through with it or not. And the fact that he would be hard pressed to even find the opportunity to find someone else, made it easy for me to say "sure, go do it too honey" knowing that in all likely hood he wouldn't. So yes, i thought of it more as an opportunity for me, because I knew I more than likely could, and probably didn't really have to worry about him going through with it.

 

I think the question to really ask yourself is if this other guy was not an option, would you still want to explore this? Would you want to risk it just to see what might be out there?

 

This. This was by far the most thought provoking statement of them all. Before reading this post I would say I was about 60/40 in favour of taking H up on his offer. After I took OM out the equation, I realized, I was a lot closer to 30/70. After discussing OM and my fantasies there with H, I told him that it was not fair by any means, for me to say that it was a good idea, when in truth, the whole idea is really only ok with me because I had already been thinking about someone in particular. That I was really only saying I was ok with it because I thought here's my chance to do something I already wanted to do hardly seemed reasonable.

 

Don't do it. Both you and your husband should focus on eachother, use the fun and fantasy, what if talks and encorporate into your sex life.

 

Another great suggestion. Of course all these talks have spiced things up in the bedroom. I thought we'd always had a pretty good sex life. Sure we fall into regular routines but we've always been open minded and willing to try new things. We're regularly change things up and keep things interesting in the bedroom, but yes, using the fantasy of sleeping with someone else, has been a great way for us to make things even better.

Most of the spouses I have known IRL, that have proposed an open marriage, were already cheating on their spouses, and wanting to make it a lifestyle.

 

I want to clarify that I can say, without any uncertainty, that this was not something my H brought up as a way to justify something he's already done, or that he has had anyone in mind for himself. What I've learned is that he has a growing fear that I will, or already have become bored with our relationship and sex life. He fears that boredom will grow to resentment towards him, that eventually I may regret "missing out" on dating and casual sex and resort to having an affair. He wants me to experience sex with someone else, and the thought of it turns him on about as much as it terrifies him. Something we've discussed in great detail over these days, and I hope he knows now, that I am absolutely happy with him and our sex life, and that I don't regret one moment of our time together over these years!

 

 

So, as it sits, we decided, mutually, that this is not something we are ready to step into. We've grown to be great partners over the years. Our love, our family, and our relationship gets stronger and better every passing day. We've learned to communicate, (except on my part, the whole OM thing lol). We've worked hard to be where we are, and the fact is, while my H still thinks this is something we would like to explore someday, he for some reason thinks he wants me to get that pleasure from somewhere else, it's going to take a lot of time, and talking, to get to a comfortable place with it. And while it may happen years down the road, and it may never happen at all, we're not willing to risk our marriage over what if's and curiosity. To be clear, neither of us believes something like this will lead to divorce, but we do, however, fear it will change our marriage, and why risk that now?

 

Does this make me any less attracted to OM? no. But, I don't have to feel guilty over it now, and I get to continue trying to have a great friendship with him, with my H's full support. I will have to continue to work hard, to do the right thing when around him, and that will start with me telling him at our next meeting, that I am not ready to take our friendship to the bedroom.

 

Sorry for the novel, and thank you all sooo much. I don't know where this would all be right now, if it hadn't been for this place!!

[tonguetied]

ya really sorry. That was WAY longer than I had anticipated!!

[woinlove]

Good morning! I have got to say that there has been a GREAT discussion, and I am so happy to have found this board, otherwise who knows the advice I'd have gotten elsewhere. Such a diverse group of people, and so many important things to consider.

 

H and I have been discussing this, almost non stop for just about a month now, the various situations and concerns we both have. The last few nights I have opened up entirely, and I couldn't be happier with the talks we've had.

 

That being said, there have been some things said in here, in particular that have really affected my own thoughts, and how I've handled these talks with H, and I want to take a moment to try to quote and respond to the things that really stand out in my mind right now.

 

 

 

 

This was the most important thing for me to do. There was no way I was going to be able to live with myself if we agreed to it without me disclosing everything with my H first. TBH, I think it made me feel even more guilty about the attraction than I already did.

 

Surprisingly, my H completely understands. (He was surprised to learn I was attracted to OM, which in turn surprised me, since I figured he'd been jealous of our friendship all these years, and I just assumed he knew there was an attraction there!) Being so open about it was awkward, and very hard for me, but in the end, H understands, and is completely trusting and supportive.

 

It was important for me to tell him about this attraction, as it put some reality to this "fantasy" of his. Before me disclosing all of this, the thought of me "banging" someone else wasn't nearly as real for him. It made him realize that there was a definite possibility of it actually happening, which brought about new fears and concerns for him.

 

 

 

Exactly how I was thinking about it. Of course we discussed the idea of H doing it as well, but in truth, neither he nor I feel it is something he would be able to do, whether I went through with it or not. And the fact that he would be hard pressed to even find the opportunity to find someone else, made it easy for me to say "sure, go do it too honey" knowing that in all likely hood he wouldn't. So yes, i thought of it more as an opportunity for me, because I knew I more than likely could, and probably didn't really have to worry about him going through with it.

 

 

 

This. This was by far the most thought provoking statement of them all. Before reading this post I would say I was about 60/40 in favour of taking H up on his offer. After I took OM out the equation, I realized, I was a lot closer to 30/70. After discussing OM and my fantasies there with H, I told him that it was not fair by any means, for me to say that it was a good idea, when in truth, the whole idea is really only ok with me because I had already been thinking about someone in particular. That I was really only saying I was ok with it because I thought here's my chance to do something I already wanted to do hardly seemed reasonable.

 

 

 

Another great suggestion. Of course all these talks have spiced things up in the bedroom. I thought we'd always had a pretty good sex life. Sure we fall into regular routines but we've always been open minded and willing to try new things. We're regularly change things up and keep things interesting in the bedroom, but yes, using the fantasy of sleeping with someone else, has been a great way for us to make things even better.

 

 

I want to clarify that I can say, without any uncertainty, that this was not something my H brought up as a way to justify something he's already done, or that he has had anyone in mind for himself. What I've learned is that he has a growing fear that I will, or already have become bored with our relationship and sex life. He fears that boredom will grow to resentment towards him, that eventually I may regret "missing out" on dating and casual sex and resort to having an affair. He wants me to experience sex with someone else, and the thought of it turns him on about as much as it terrifies him. Something we've discussed in great detail over these days, and I hope he knows now, that I am absolutely happy with him and our sex life, and that I don't regret one moment of our time together over these years!

 

 

So, as it sits, we decided, mutually, that this is not something we are ready to step into. We've grown to be great partners over the years. Our love, our family, and our relationship gets stronger and better every passing day. We've learned to communicate, (except on my part, the whole OM thing lol). We've worked hard to be where we are, and the fact is, while my H still thinks this is something we would like to explore someday, he for some reason thinks he wants me to get that pleasure from somewhere else, it's going to take a lot of time, and talking, to get to a comfortable place with it. And while it may happen years down the road, and it may never happen at all, we're not willing to risk our marriage over what if's and curiosity. To be clear, neither of us believes something like this will lead to divorce, but we do, however, fear it will change our marriage, and why risk that now?

 

Does this make me any less attracted to OM? no. But, I don't have to feel guilty over it now, and I get to continue trying to have a great friendship with him, with my H's full support. I will have to continue to work hard, to do the right thing when around him, and that will start with me telling him at our next meeting, that I am not ready to take our friendship to the bedroom.

 

Sorry for the novel, and thank you all sooo much. I don't know where this would all be right now, if it hadn't been for this place!!

 

 

Sounds like you are making the right decision because if you actually have to tell the OM you are not ready to take it into the bedroom, you have not had the kind of honest and open relationship with your husband that an open M usually requires just as a starting point. A few weeks, or even a few months, of being honest and open is not enough.

[Owl]

So, as it sits, we decided, mutually, that this is not something we are ready to step into.

 

Probably your best possible call. It's simply not worth the risk if you've already got a great marriage in place.

 

Does this make me any less attracted to OM? no. But, I don't have to feel guilty over it now, and I get to continue trying to have a great friendship with him, with my H's full support. I will have to continue to work hard, to do the right thing when around him, and that will start with me telling him at our next meeting, that I am not ready to take our friendship to the bedroom.

 

 

My one concern for you on this is still there...you've acknowledged the attraction...but what are you doing to stop feeding it???

 

That's where affairs start. I don't believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in attraction at first sight.

 

You're attracted to him. If you continue to have contact with him...especially if you have any kind of EMOTIONAL contact with him...that attraction will grow into something more.

 

You need to starve that attraction, so that it fades and dies off on it's own. The discussions you've had with your H, the thoughts you've had floating around in your mind as a result of these discussions...have all fed that attraction.

 

What are you going to do to starve it?