Caught my wife cheating.

[Parallax]

Hey all,

I'm new here, just registered. Needed somewhere to go. Anyway, my story:

 

For the past few weeks, my wife was acting suspicious-closing down computer windows/chat screens whenever i'd come near the computer. Strange numbers, or "unknown number" showing up on the caller ID, late at night, and only on nights i'm not home. She also belongs to a few online chat sites, which I am not allowed to visit. Well, we've been married 7 years, and have four great kids. I never thought she'd cheat on me, and I never would cheat on her, so it never even entered my mind, that she might be. So after noticing the above, I started to jokingly as her if she was cheating, or i'd tell her to tell her boyfriend not to call so late, etc. Once, when I commented on the online chat sites she visited, she told me to check one out, if I didn't believe her. So I did, later that night. Over half the posts that she had made, were deragatory comments about me-name calling, leaving me out of family stories, stuff like that. I got mad, but didn't say anything till the next day-I told her that I checked it out, and that I was hurt that she'd post that stuff about me. She apologized, and said she'd stop. The next day, I check out the online forum again, and she had deleted every post she had made-even ones that had nothing to do with me. I thought that was strange. After that I sat her down, and had a talk with her. I told her why I suspected, what evidence I had, and that if it were true, she should come clean, and we'd get some counseling, etc. Well, she denyed it, swore I was the only one, cried, etc. I believed her. Still not sure, I installed a keylogging program. What I found, floored me. Not only was she still posting very mean comments about me(now in groups that are password protected), but I ran across some love emails to a guy.

 

ever have something happen, something you never expected, something bad?

 

well, I confronted her, and she admitted it. Then she said it was my fault, because I wasn't giving her what she needed. I'll leave out the details, but we spent the weekend talking things through, and on the surface, things seem ok, getting better.

 

BUT.......and it's a big one........

 

Someone on the groups she posts to, felt I needed to know somethings. They forwarded me copies of everything she's posted about me. the majority of them are lies-accusing me of stealing her life savings, stories of how i've 'mentally abused' her, etc. Most of this stuff goes back to January through april of this year. There's a few things in May, but not much. I don't know what to make of it. I don't want to confront her, because she will accuse me of accessing her email or the groups-which i haven't done-these things were forwarded to me by someone on the group.

 

also, we had a real long talk this morning. I wanted to move out, giver her her space to figure out what she wanted to do. She insisted I stay, and that we work things out, etc. Well, after that, she posted on her group that she didn't want to work things out. She doesn't know that I know. I then told her that I felt that she didn't really want to continue, and that we should still seperate. We had another long talk, basically saying that she wanted to fix things, and needed me, etc.

 

I'm just baffled at which is true though.........what she tells me, or what she tells her friend.

 

I do have to admit, that looking back over the last few months, I haven't treated her the best. I've no problem admitting to that, and I've told her so. I tend to be moody, and when I'm in a bad mood, I try to drag everyone around me down too. I'm working on fixing that though.

 

as for the guy she was cheating on me with, she says she told him it was over, and that he said ok, and told her she should try to work things out with me. Did I mention that he's also married, and cheating on his wife?

 

Wow.....this is long. I didn't mean to ramble so much. Just needed to vent. Thanks all, for listening/reading.

[oscaroc]

Sorry to hear about your sitution, I to have a wife that was cheating online I found out because she left her email account open like she wanted me to see it. Plus she had for the first time put a password on her user account which i thought was wierd anyways. I don't know what to tell you other than I have read that online relationships 80% end up not working. I am only a few months into a separation and things are starting to look better, but i certainly don't recommend separation it has been super hard on both of us and our child.

 

Also you are going to have trust issues now like me your going to have to figure out what you need and if you can forgive. Don't make it to easy for her to come back or say sorry because then she will know you can be a pushover. She has to know she was in the wrong. Even though both of you may have faults she is the one that strayed and lied. i am just speaking from my experience and am not a proffesional. but i hope this might help give you an idea of where to start.

[Parallax]

There's definatly some trust issues. I do believe she is sorry she cheated, and I haven't made it easy for her. I really want to work things out with her, but I want to make sure she wants to also, and that it's for the right reason(because she loves me, and not because she can't afford to make it on her own).

[DerangedAngel]

First of all, I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

 

After reading your story, I believe you need to confront your wife and tell her that you know she is still posting negative things about your relationship. I know that some people (even people on this message board) will tell you that you had no right to use the 'keylogging program', but I say that after she invited you to check up on her and you saw such nasty comments that she had posted about you, you had every right to be concerned. However, I'm not big on privacy anyway, so let some more people give you their opinions on that.

 

Mistake to view her posts/emails or not, you have. And she needs to know what you know.

 

Did she ever meet this guy? Or was it simply an online/phone thing?

 

I really want to work things out with her, but I want to make sure she wants to also, and that it's for the right reason(because she loves me, and not because she can't afford to make it on her own).

 

I'm glad that you have the desire to work it out. I would suggest counseling if you're serious about it.

 

Before you even posted the above, I was wondering if she might be choosing to stay with you simply because of the children and/or she couldn't afford to leave you. And I hardly know anything about your marriage. I can't figure out any other reason that she would be sweet talking you, and complaining to others that she didn't want to work things out. Either she's a habitual liar, and gets her kicks this way (such as the claim that you stole her savings, etc), or she really believes she's in a bind and has no choice but to stay with you.

 

Get out of the house, if you can. After you confront her. Give her time to think about whether or not she REALLY wants to work at this. She must understand that she has lost your trust completely.

 

Best of luck to you. Cheers and welcome to LoveShack.

 

-Deranged

[Parallax]

well, I just confronted her.

 

 

Taking a break from packing right now.

 

all she had to say was, "how dare you??".

 

i'm gonna go finish packing now.

[DerangedAngel]

I hope you will have internet access where you will be staying so you can post about concerns, rant, get advice - whatever.

 

Her response was typical, to get angry with you. I'm so sorry.

 

Good luck.

 

-Deranged

[EnigmaXOXO]

How dare you???

 

I don’t think I will ever cease to be amazed at how the guilty turn these things around in their panic once caught. I suppose she would have felt better if you had spent the money on a private detective instead of a software program.

 

If you helped to pay for that computer…if you’re helping to pay for her internet connection…then you have the right to install any d*mn program you want. Tell her that “her privacy” stops where your nose (and wallet) begins.

 

Keep packing, Parallex. If she prefers a cold hard keyboard to a real human being, then leave her to her machine and self-absorbed fantasies. She can figure out how to keep her online flings financed without you.

 

Better yet…copy and save the evidence for your lawyer. Keep the kids, the house, and demand that SHE leave so that you don’t loose the shirt off your back!

 

Don’t let her get you on “abandonment.”

[ex_pookie]

I too confronted my spouse on some issues, and got it all turned around that I was the bad guy.

You are not. I am not. Your wife has some issues. And being a mother, I want to say if there is a way to work it out, then all the power to you. At least Try to. And if that doesn't work, then u don't have much of a choice. Just ask her, okay we can work on this, you have to give up those chat rooms though. And compromise.. if there is something about you she doesn't like, give that up. Not change it. Give it up. NO MORE CHAT ROOMS. And if she says no, then her heart is with the online dudes she's chatting it up with, then there's your answer. This woman doesn't respect you. And without respect, there is no love. Sorry.

[Parallax]

The computer is being paid for via direct withdrawels from my paycheck-a program set up by my employer. So yeah, I'm taking it with me.

 

I don't think there's going to be any chance of working this out.

 

I currently have some health issues(diabetes, and hemochromatosis). Well, on one of her rants, she said something along the lines of her wishing I'd hurry up and die, so she could get the insurance money.

 

I just got a couple emails from her. One apology, and a whole bunch of paragraphs on how i've lost her trust, and betrayed her.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Well, on one of her rants, she said something along the lines of her wishing I'd hurry up and die, so she could get the insurance money.

 

Was this verbal, or do you have it in writing??

[Parallax]

Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO

Was this verbal, or do you have it in writing??

 

It was in writing, in a post.

[EnigmaXOXO]

BINGO!

 

Your wife may have driven the last nail in her financial coffin. And if I were you, I’d cancel that insurance policy pronto!

 

Hope you’ve thought well enough ahead to print it out. Of course, it may be difficult to prove it was actually posted by her unless you have the evidence to back it up.

 

I’d also unplug that computer NOW before she has time to backtrack and erase. Get it out of the home and put it somewhere else for safe keeping. You’d be surprised at what evidence can be pulled off of a hard drive even after one thinks its been erased. Computer emails and chat room logs were used in my sister’s divorce case, and because of it, her husband was granted full custody of their children and occupancy of their home.

 

(This should serve as a warning to everyone!)

 

 

Meanwhile, I’d gather up whatever evidence I had and contact an attorney immediately to find out what your options are. Internet infidelity is now plausible grounds for divorce. Don’t even let her know what you are doing. I’d also not leave my home and kids if I were you. She could turn around and get you on ‘abandonment’…and then (depending on the laws in your state) she could turn around and sting you with both child and spousal support payments.

 

The courts usually prefer that children remain in their primary home…and if you petition for custody, perhaps you will not loose your children OR the roof over your heads. I’d just hate to see your wife take advantage of you any more than she already has. It wouldn’t be fair that she profit from her misdeeds.

 

I know your first instinct is to run…but in this case, I think it would be best for you to hold your ground and be methodical and patient while allowing the legal system to work in your favor.

 

I don’t know what events have transpired over your seven year marriage to cause her to become so malicious and deceitful. But there is absolutely no excuse for her dishonesty, vindictiveness and down-right hateful remarks. Find out ASAP what you can legally do to stop her in her tracks.