Five Years Later & Still Feeling Guilty

[seeking_closure04]

Before I begin, I can't tell you all how elated I was to have discovered this site. It feels good to know there are others out here who are seeking answers and advice, looking for guidance, and wanting to close a sad chapter.

Anyway, the week before, Sunday to be precise, I ran into my ex-girlfriend who was my first true love, along with her mother and aunt at my place of employment. Although the situation was a bit awkward, to say the least, it was bittersweet. It was great to see the most stunningly beautiful woman in the world after so long, and yet, I'm not sure if I'll ever see her again.

 

Back in the autumn of 1998, I was still fresh out of High School and trying to figure out what to do with my life. Just two days before Halloween of that year, I happened to run into Jo Ann at the library. During my Junior High and High School years, I had an on and off crush with Jo Ann, but in the latter years of school, we got to know each other better and became very good friends. We had our first date on that Halloween, of all days (lol), and from that moment on, we became inseparable. With the help of Jo Ann and her family, I enrolled in a few classes at the local community college and we were getting along just great. I have to admit that she has a really nice family. On December 21st of that year, that night was the first time I kissed her and from that moment on, I knew I was in love with her. Things seemed to be going great for us, but as time went on, Jo Ann began to see some changes in me that were not all wonderful. I had a little bit of an attitude problem from time to time; I tended to say the wrong things before giving it any thought that it might bring offense or hurt someone's feelings; I, being the 18 year old teenager at the time, had raging hormones as she would soon discover.

 

Jo Ann still loved me, but the more she saw those sides of me, she tended to feel a little uneasy. We still somehow managed to make things work, but every single time I look back on those days, I realize just how fast things were moving for us, but at the time, I never gave it any thought because I was with the woman of my dreams. In April of the following year, the 18th if I can recall correctly, that night was the first night Jo Ann and I made love. It was after that night when everything started to go on this roller coaster, we had our ups and downs. Yet, despite it all, Jo Ann loved me. We eventually moved in together and when that happened, things started to go from bad to worse. By this time, I stopped going to my classes and stayed at our place, but on the other hand, Jo Ann was still going to school and working at her part time job. However, here I was, having quit going to school, not even attempting to find a job to help out, and all I did was wait for her to come home. When we did make love, I was so overly persistant that every time I think about what happened to us, all I can say is I just used her, plain and simple.

 

The more I saw Jo Ann succeeding, the more I began to look at myself and say that she can do better without me. To this day, I still regret the fact that I didn't even try to better myself, to change things within myself. I took the easy way out, which was letting her go. The morning it happened, she was asleep and I had a sleepless night so I decided to take a walk and think things over. Even then, I just decided that she'd be better off without me. When I got back, she was already awake and dressed, and while I was trying to explain to her how I was feeling, she just broke down into tears. She asked,"What's wrong, don't you love me", and I said yes. After trying to explain things to her further, she asked once again,"What I want to know is if you love me or not?"....What I said next is to this day, the worst thing I've ever said to her or anyone for that matter..I said no, and with that, I put the finishing touches on the end of our relationship. Later that day, however, she and I got together and she asked if we can work this out. We were both in tears and I agreed that we should try; I realized I made a mistake, and I wanted to try again. She said that she had to go to Midland with her family and stay for a week, and when she returned, we would talk things over and try to work it out, so I agreed and I waited for her to return.

 

A week came and went, and I went over to her house, but she wasn't there. About two days later, her aunt and mother come and talk to me, well her aunt did all the talking. To sum it all up, I was ordered to stay away from her and never to contact her again. I accepted that because I honestly deserved it after hurting her the way I did, but for a long time, I blamed her aunt for breaking us up. After the second year of being without her, I began to see that everything was my fault, and her family was only protecting her from ever getting hurt again. I still think about her every single day, if you want to believe it; I miss her brightening smile, her laugh, her cool, easy going attitude. I've never even had a chance to apologize to her for everything. There were times when I thought I saw her, but before I could even find out, I turned around and walked away. I've been so ashamed of myself, scared of what they might say, but I've been doing what they told me to do-leave her alone. I never thought that sadness and guilt can humble someone in the way it has with me. When I saw her last Sunday, I didn't know what to expect. It took me a while to be able to comprehend who I was looking at, and she still looked the same as always. She looked at me, gave me a half smile but only for a brief second, which was replaced by sadness. I smiled back, but it was only a moment later when she excused herself, being followed by her mother. Ever since then, I've been wondering what she was thinking that very moment when we saw each other again. I want to apologize to her, explain to her why I did what I did, and let her know that I never stopped loving her and caring about her. Now, it looks like I may never get to do such a thing. How is it that after all these years, someone like me, who broke her heart so badly, continue to feel as if it happened yesterday? I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should find her, and her family as well, and tell them everything......or should I just leave it alone?

 

I'm sorry if i dragged this on a bit much, but can someone help me? Can I have some advice?

[Savanah]

We all feel guilt, we all hurt people. You need to realize that you are human. It sounds like you have not forgiven yourself yet, and after five years you really need to. I just recently hurt someone after a five year relationship, we have been together since I was sixteen, and I feel bad that his feelings were hurt, but I needed to leave him, or else I would be stuck in the same rut I have been stuck in with him. Not to say that your situation is the same, but I can't let myself feel horrible, how productive would that be?? Best of Luck

[seeking_closure04]

Thanks for responding, Savanah. Maybe I have been taking it a little harder than I should, but the fact remains that I could've done a better job to love her the way she deserved to be loved. As time has gone by, believe it or not, things have been getting better for the most part, but every time something happens that reminds me of her, you just have a bad day, you know? Nevertheless, I'm really trying to move forward and forgive myself. It's not easy, but I'm trying. I wonder if things would be easier if I find her and give her a well deserved apology. Maybe then, being able to forgive myself can be easier. It does sound a little risky because I don't want to open old wounds and hurt her again......It's a tough call, but I know with a little time, I'll end up making the right decision.