Sugarkane Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 I've been abruptly dumped, no answers, never been contacted once. I've had someone not even breakup with me abd just completely disappear on me. Years later never been contacted once. Yet that guy said he wanted to get married etc. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 What made you smile today? Link to post Share on other sites
TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 simple answer really, it's easier to just walk out than to respond to why. the reason why they don't justify the walk out is because they know that you would not be satisfied with the responce, and it's easier/ more cowardly to just put distance from a relationship, than to deign any decent response. though in all of them I would assume (simular to my case) that they just "outgrown" what you had to offer ( I.E didn't love you just loved the fact that for that brief time you appeased them untill something they feel is better comes along, ) Silence for me now is the biggest signaler of apathy and disavowed distancing.. you'll never get a satisfactory answer from people to why they BU ( trust me my ex fit's this like a tee) because they probably don't have a good enough answer other than "I just outgrown you" or "I donno just don't feel anything anymore" which is very petty of them, but if they ain't gonna be straight forward on one of the simplest of questions then I would just cut my losses and forget about them... Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 It matters not their reasoning. In the end it didn't work out and all you can do is concentrate on yourself. Sure it's easier knowing why but most of the reasons given are vague or lessened to lower guilt. One needs to work through their own issues and find peace. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I'm generalizing but it seems like men are more likely than women to pull the "abrupt breakup" move, with little to no explanations. Women want to communicate and analyze things, to fully understand the breakup, but often men just want to shut down then move on. I once had a guy suddenly disappear on me after six months of dating. It was one of the most hurtful things I've ever experienced. I eventually got an apology from him and that meant the world for me, even if I never understood his reasons for handling things that way. Link to post Share on other sites
BoredAgain Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I've heard of that happening a few times, where a long-term partner will just unexpectedly disappear and tell all their friends and family to ignore the person they left. I can only imagine that it's pure cowardice and selfishness. Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 It's easier for them to just walk, don't have to care about the pain they stepped over, for them it's history. But they will spend a whole lot of time rewriting the relationship to make you look like the bad guy. That's the way it was for me....he lied and cheated, I confronted with the truth, and now i'm the psycho. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted January 10, 2012 Author Share Posted January 10, 2012 I've never had an ex apologize ever. I find it truly bizarre as I always treat the person with respect and I've never cheated. I tried seeking counseling, but got no answers. I just got told "you'll probably never know why they did it". What am I supposed to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sugarkane Posted January 10, 2012 Author Share Posted January 10, 2012 It's easier for them to just walk, don't have to care about the pain they stepped over, for them it's history. But they will spend a whole lot of time rewriting the relationship to make you look like the bad guy. That's the way it was for me....he lied and cheated, I confronted with the truth, and now i'm the psycho. So 100% true in my recent ex did exactly the same thing, as you know. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 Why won't you let this drop? It seems to me all your threads are about this and I get the impression you're still angry about the last break up. Anger is not going to undo the breakup. It might protect you from getting hurt in the same way again in the future as it will help you avoid getting involved with someone while you're angry. But that's not the only way to not get hurt. You can be single and not angry at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
thehead Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 Why won't you let this drop? It seems to me all your threads are about this and I get the impression you're still angry about the last break up. Anger is not going to undo the breakup. It might protect you from getting hurt in the same way again in the future as it will help you avoid getting involved with someone while you're angry. But that's not the only way to not get hurt. You can be single and not angry at the same time. Have to agree. You've seemed pissed off for as long as I can remember Sugarkane. There doesn't seem to be any change at all. Are you actually trying to get over this break up? Link to post Share on other sites
TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I'm generalizing but it seems like men are more likely than women to pull the "abrupt breakup" move, with little to no explanations. Women want to communicate and analyze things, to fully understand the breakup, but often men just want to shut down then move on. . uhhhh, I know at least 34 different women who could briskly prove that wrong I am afraid >.>.. believe me women can be no better at times when it comes to communication. really I think it's more relative to how much you love a person, man or woman, and how much effort a person wants to put in. if they can't be asked then its just easier to hand-wave... to put it simply people in general are ar**holes =/ Link to post Share on other sites
oldguy Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 Does it really matter? In retrospect would you really rather have had the drama of a nasty BU? Link to post Share on other sites
Kamila Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I've been abruptly dumped, no answers, never been contacted once. I've had someone not even breakup with me abd just completely disappear on me. Years later never been contacted once. Yet that guy said he wanted to get married etc. Maybe Sugarkane is stuck in the angry phase and needs some closure to start healing again. She's trying some sort of dialogue that her ex isn't providing her right now. After that the acceptance phase can begin. About people doing no contact, it's not that people 'love' to leave BU unresolved. Sometimes there's not so much to say anymore. Your ex could have spoken about marriage and all, but maybe he was faking it. The moment he left without a word, is maybe the first time he was being authentic. Sadly to say, I heard my ex saying the words 'i've changed, i want other things in life, you're compromising my freedom, i want out, i don't want marriage anymore...' At that moment, you realise you were living an illusion and the mask of your partner fell off. Very nasty to receive that slap in the face. I don't know how to deal with an ex that doesn't contact me anymore. Mine did, he tried to comfort me and that felt great. Until after 6 months of BU I let him go forever and never contacted him again. I don't know how my recovery would have been if he hadn't been there a bit. Maybe I would be like you right now. Link to post Share on other sites
oldguy Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I agree but the phases or stages of loss aren't dependent on an explanation & the anger phase can be dealt with without it. I'm not even certain the drama of a nasty BU is necessary for closure. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 I've been abruptly dumped, no answers, never been contacted once. I've had someone not even breakup with me abd just completely disappear on me. Years later never been contacted once. Yet that guy said he wanted to get married etc. You come across a little child-like and naive in your posts, how old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
reimeivn Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 a lot of times they just dont have good reasons to. its a shame that they breakup with you so they choose to leave, thats why. Link to post Share on other sites
reimeivn Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 i mean you can be this and that, for example, too hyper, or for example, too critical when you give your opinions about other people. but they KNOW that it is just FOR them. you are perfect the way you are and would be better for someone else, they dont want to say it. and if they dont, it really not a problems. its rather their problems for not being able to love it i hope it helps answer one of the questions you have in mind. a lot of times it doenst matter what they say when they leave you. i believe that every reasons were in the relationship, and if you are clueless, there is just them not being able to be with you. and they should not be. you should save their place for somebody else Link to post Share on other sites
TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 (edited) I agree but the phases or stages of loss aren't dependent on an explanation & the anger phase can be dealt with without it. I'm not even certain the drama of a nasty BU is necessary for closure. Have to agree to be honest, I mean the idea of closure sounds nice as most people including myself, may feel it would be a means to tie lose ends, but even while we're in a relationship the more times I asked for clarity, the more those ends began to fray and create even more ends I felt need tying. and even if I or anyone here asked now why they left, they would probably revert to the "I don't know" algorithm in some way or form. The fact is people most of the time don't need a answer, they just want to leave and in a manner that is not messy. I try to think if there was a REALLY bad reason to why they left in the first place, they would definately let you know, otherwise perhaps they deemed their logic too petty to even attempt to rush any old response out the door. in that regard I would imagine that you shouldn't really captivate your time to give any thoughts that it was because of your dysfunction the time of day, as if it really was you and blatently you, then they would at least feel no guilt in saying. probably just a spark they felt for a brief moment, eventually went out. (I had to learn this the hard way unfortunately and the pissy fit I had when we were already at a distance gave her the reason to cut all ties. She was just typically and gratingly coy about the whole thing it almost seems premeditated in order to derive a appropriate response from me inorder to justfy the whole distancing, but I wouldn't go that far to say that was what she intended to do. Basically if there was a good enough that did'nt. lay any blame on her part , then I am sure she would feel at ease to divulge. ) this is what I mean by they probably don't have a good reason, just they are typically indecisive and bored with you now so *shrug* might as well shimmy abit out of field of vision until they are away from any immediate contact from your person. can't get too attached to people ladies and gents, because people are quite volatile sometimes and these sudden changes are par for the course.... Edited January 11, 2012 by TheJiltedGeneration Link to post Share on other sites
oldguy Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 (edited) ^ I think something I might add to that is; a relationship requires a lot of attention & it's when you let up & you begin to take the relationship for granted or get too comfortable with it. People are going to change or grow & if they don't grow together they will grow apart. Growing together generally doesn't happen by chance but by thoughtful intention by both parties. A common example is; after 20 plus years a relationship suddenly ends shortly after the last child leaves home & the two parents find themselves sitting across the table from one another as a couple for the first time in more than 20 years & discover, they've both changed & they really aren't a good match as a couple any longer. I think it's curious that there is a certain, almost biorhythm, to how long relationships last; 2 1/2 years, 7 years, 15 years, 25 years, give or take a year either way. Unless a couple works on it. Edited January 11, 2012 by oldguy Link to post Share on other sites
TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 ^ I think something I might add to that is; a relationship requires a lot of attention & it's when you let up & you begin to take the relationship for granted or get too comfortable with it. People are going to change or grow & if they don't grow together they will grow apart. Growing together generally doesn't happen by chance but by thoughtful intention by both parties. Pretty much hit the nail right on the head. with me and my previous lover she did'nt want to commit too much time with me , and most of our interactions seem to be a afterthought outside of her busy schedule to be with me, at a slight behest from me... when I talked about the relationship itself she seemed to want to glide the conversation away slightly or become uncomfortable so thats just a like of utility on her part. I'd still throw all my chips with her lot if she made the first step to reestablish contact, but that ain't going to happen, not now.. not after 6 months.. it's so hard to move on.. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenPolicy Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Sugarkane, You're never gonna get the answers or the apology you seek from your ex. Well, I can't predict the future. He may pop up again someday and say sorry or want to reconcile, but it's highly unlikely. You have to accept that it's over and he wasn't decent enough to treat you better. You deserve better than that. You are now free to find a man who will treat you the way you deserve. So in that way, your ex is a gift. You've been spared potentially years of wasted time and pain. It was a matter of when, not if, he was gonna pull this kind of BS on you. We always have free will to leave a relationship if we want and your ex exercised his. But how somebody breaks up with you tells you a lot about them. Do they treat you with respect, courtesy and compassion, or do they coldly and cruelly kick you to the curb without ever communicating that there were any problems? What is it that you want? Do you want your ex back? Why would you want to be with a person like this? Do you want an apology? Probably not gonna happen. Forgive him - not to let him off the hook, but to set yourself free and liberate yourself from the anger, resentment and bitterness you've become mired in. Do you want revenge? The best revenge you could possibly exact is to become as kick-@ss as possible, to build up as great a life for yourself as possible, so that if your ex were to ever catch a glimpse of you, he would kick himself and say "My God, what did I do? I was an effing idiot!" Your ex sounds like he is very insecure and probably has self-esteem problems. These types are the least likely to apologize. But don't worry about it, because he knows what he did. Maybe not consciously, but deep down on some level, he is reading himself the riot act more than you ever could. Nobody ever gets off scot-free from that kind of cruel treatment and behavior. There are giant, soul-level consequences that cannot be escaped. You have to accept that things between you and your ex are over, and that you are not going to get the closure or apology you seek from him. It's not fair, it's not right, but that's how it goes sometimes in life. You are now responsible for your life and your ex doesn't deserve to take up this kind of real estate in your head. There is a positive path available to you, but you need to start walking towards the light and away from the darkness. Get off facebook. Start exercising if you haven't. Look into volunteering or maybe take some dancing or cooking classes. Look into meditation classes or yoga. It's time to start living your life again. Nothing ever gets better by just sitting around and hoping that it does. It's up to you to get off your @ss, stop complaining and do something about it. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 I think it's curious that there is a certain, almost biorhythm, to how long relationships last; 2 1/2 years, 7 years, 15 years, 25 years, give or take a year either way. Unless a couple works on it. Something to do with child rearing perhaps? Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Sugarkane, i too was callously dumped by my ex. i went through a great deal of anger for quite some time not only over the way i was dumped; but all the mixed signals and messing around with my head that he did during the time we hung out. about two weeks ago he contacted me out of the blue to tell me that he has a gf who is pregnant with his child. oh - - and he tried to get me to hook up with him. maybe getting angry would have made sense. but i just didn't see the point in it. for one thing it would have required more energy than it was worth and for another - - i'm in a much better place than he is right now. i admit it's still left me in a funk. but it's mine. i'll get out of it. blaming him for it is just wasted energy. Link to post Share on other sites
oldguy Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 (edited) Something to do with child rearing perhaps? Absolutely. 2 1/2 years the most common reasons where either, "I made a mistake" or if there was a new born the father, generally, felt left out, (usually his fault IMO). 7 years, is the most common duration for an affair, usually by the guy & generally because he never fully integrated himself into the family including the wife. After 14 years or so is the; "I've just had enough, if I'm going to do it on my own I may as well do it by myself" phase, the old; it's a mid-life crises excuse is also used. 25 years; The kids are gone & great parents realize they aren't a very good couple anymore, they've grown apart because they NEVER worked on them. With all the other changes it seems easier to separate than it does to rediscover. And if children seem to be a common denominator, it's not. The common denominator is taking the relationship for granted, ignoring each other & not putting the relationship at the top of each others priority list everyday. Children shouldn't make that harder, they should make it easier, but you will hear every guide to a better marriage say the same thing; "the couple have to make every effort to continue dating" and being a couple, a couple who have children 'together' and that's the common denominator. Edited January 12, 2012 by oldguy Link to post Share on other sites
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