brokendreamz Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 12 Months ago today I was 2.5 stone heavier 12 Months ago today I had lost touch with my best friends 12 Months ago today I was living in a beautiful home 12 Months ago today I was a nervous, paranoid sad and unhappy man 12 Months ago today my world fell apart 12 Months ago today she said the following sentence: 'I can't do this anymore' I don't think I'll ever forget those words... I knew exactly what she meant and deep down I knew that when she walked out of our front door, she'd never come back. We lived together nearly 8 years, owned a house together and were living the dream - although I never saw it like that, more like there was something missing, like I was living in a bubble that I couldn't burst - a bubble of utter sadness. When I look back on it now I realise that I had been depressed for years, I always felt like something was missing. I didn't understand how so many people seemed to enjoy life and I realise now that I was just pretending to have a good time. Going through the motions and pretending I was fine became second - no FIRST nature. I didn't know who I was. Lost myself in a dark place of despair deep in my own head. Trapped. It's no wonder then that she left. I wasn't able to communicate to her what was wrong... I didn't know myself! It took me almost 3 weeks to see my doctor after loosing 2 stone and very nearly my mind! The doctor was brilliant. recommended seeing a Therapist and taking anti depressants. I remember coming home and crying for hours after that! Had my life really come to this? How did this happen - we were happy weren't we? We almost had it all - were engaged, had the house - even named our future kids!! God, what a father I would have made. THe thought of being a Dad before I sought help makes me shudder. So for around 2 months I chased her. Saw her fairly often in those early days, wrote her poetry (well tried!) sent her a mix tape, gave her old photos of us but nothing got through. She'd cry and hug me then leave and I'd stay there and cry myself to sleep. I started missing work and if I hadn't had such a great Boss I would definitely have lost my job. I guess what I'm saying is that after she walked out of my life I was at my lowest ebb and yes. I did contemplate ending it all - but knowing what that would do to my family meant it wasn't an option, so I decided to fight. I started seeing a brilliant therapist, joined the gym, attended mindfulness meditation classes, made an effort to get back in contact with old friends (some of whom have been my rock), faced numerous demons with the help of my therapist, went on an amazing holiday, bought a new wardrobe of clothes, got a tan! started online dating, spent the money i had been putting away for a rainy day (it was pouring in my heart!!) bought a flat, started taking the anti depressants, stopped crying and started living. I am now sitting in my flat trying to put everything that's happened to me in the last 12 months into some sort of perspective. Everyone I know says I am a changed man and I feel it to. I am way more confident, don't sweat the small stuff quite as much and have been seeing a girl for the last 2 months - something I would NEVER have dreamed possible 12 months ago. Do I miss the ex? Yep! Still feels weird referring to her as that! Do I still think about her? You bet - all the time... But somehow it doesn't feel as painful now. I think I have learned to stop myself when I start to think too deeply about her... or anything to be honest. I used to live in my head 24/7 but with the help of mindfulness meditation and my therapist, I have learnt how to deal with negative thinking patterns. Do I hate her? No - I love her, but slowly I am letting go. It still kills me to think about her being with him but I honestly do wish her nothing but happiness. If she hadn't have left me I dread to think what sort of a state I'd be in today. Obese, friendless and a clinically depressed paranoid wreck, so I guess I should thank her for the massive kick up the arse she gave me, if she hadn't gone I would never have made the changes I have made to get me to where I am today. I know I'm not ready to talk to her yet but I sincerely hope that someday I get the chance to catch up with her - she's an amazing girl and I guess I will always miss her but hey, life goes on. If you are going through one of the ****tiest times of your life, please take 1 thing from the above rambling... It WILL get easier BUT IT'S UP TO YOU TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. No one else can do it for you and if you don't make changes then nothing will change. Don't get me wrong - it's incredibly difficult but as my best mate said to me a few months back - if it's not hard, it's not worth it. Good luck to all those suffering and remember the phrase 'THIS TOO SHALL PASS'. Link to post Share on other sites
Aqua066 Posted January 10, 2012 Share Posted January 10, 2012 Very inspiring post! I actually felt the tears... its been awhile. I'm ten months post breakup and can honestly say its been the toughest year of my life but a million times stronger than I was before she dumped me. I'm in the best shape of my life, much better financialy, and dating like a teenager. So I could relate to a lot of what you've said... I still have a ways to go. It sucks cause I have to work with my ex. So I have to see her everyday which has made my healing process exteremly slow and difficult but I'm getting there. Thanks again for your post and best wishes to you... Aqua Link to post Share on other sites
reimeivn Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 i think its good that you made it through, almost everything happens for a reasons, you are now a better person and will make somebody else very happy. Link to post Share on other sites
melenkurion Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Thank you for posting this, it's very honest and encouraging. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 I'm only about 2 months into my journey but experiencing some of the same things... 30lbs lighter already, getting focused on projects that I kept ignoring, finally humored everyone's insistence that I give therapy a try (and I guess it's not terrible). I hate that I can't manage to be this type of person when I'm in a relationship, but what can I say, I'm the type that gets comfortable and lets everything else slide. No safety net to fall back on when I'm alone and single... Good work on your progress. Sounds like you're actually a lot better off. Link to post Share on other sites
SelfCentered Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 An incredibly honest and motivational post that I found myself relating to throughout. I am so happy you've got back on a positive track. I find myself doing the same too! Link to post Share on other sites
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