What a 2nd Chance Feels Like...

[bbronco]

Hi LS,

 

So I've had about 2 weeks of the 2nd chance doors opening up for me and here's the latest:

 

-Communication is brutal - when we're not together. There's no high frequency of texts/calls like before we broke up. I only know how to talk to him in the bf baby talk lingo. And I always have a fear that I'm smothering him somehow (maybe because I've been begging to a wall for 6 months prior? haha)

 

-When we're together, it's perfect. It's just as it was before the break up. We don't hide anything in front of our friends, which is great because in addition to my hopes going up, the friends' hopes have gone up and if the ex goes back to ignoring me, there have been plenty of witnesses that won't take kindly to any sudden douche moves.

 

-We're still not back to bf/gf status. This part is tough again as I have to be grateful that we're even hanging out vs 2 months ago...but the lack of titles makes the communication awkward and makes me nervous about how long this new found contact will last. I'd asked and he'd just told me it'll take time.

 

Ultimately, the advice I can give for those of us wanting a 2nd chance...is no contact isn't the only answer. I know we all say it helps us heal, but for me, it never stopped the tears or anxiety when I'd hear some bit of news from someone seeing him at a bar or out somewhere. All I ever did post break up is contact him. All the no no's...crying, cards, emails, texts, more texts, and more texts haha.

 

Why my ex chose to ignore me all this time? I think he explained it in terms of it being so hard to open up because I was hurting so much. My emotions were still too raw and that made any dialogue uncomfortable for him. He knew he was being a dick, and he knew I was hurting (they might be silent but they're not oblivious to our heartache!)...he said he was so miserable and depressed and lonely since we broke up..but you would have never guessed it from his lack of behavior.

 

I made it very obvious I was in pain with my efforts to make contact..he stayed silent, but was still hurting. Sometimes, you just got to keep chipping away until they finally cave and bring their wall back down.

 

Just be true to your feelings...and don't hesitate to tell someone you still love them despite the terms of the break up if you still have strong feelings!

[ZimboGon]

I'm in the middle of an attempt to recon with my ex. Its been two months since BU

 

All in all about the communication, i think you are thinking too much about it. You have to treat this relationship as a NEW one, or else it won't last. You'll be fueled by your past desires and what you knew about the person, but if you broke up something was obviously wrong and people change.

 

When i talk to my ex, i'm this new confident, strong person. She's more talkative than i have ever seen her before. She can casually curse in normal conversation now, which startled me because of how shy she was.

 

Point is, if it happens and you really wanted it, then lucky you. You can't hold high expectations or hold on to the past, though. I realize there were issues between us that lead to our break-up, i understood it and i learned from it.

 

But ultimately, happiness is something you find in yourself. You won't find it in another guy. So if you keep thinking you will, if you keep holding on to this 'past' person you know, it will only fail.

 

Depend on yourself, only.

Edited January 9, 2012 by ZimboGon

[bbronco]

You're totally right...somehow I have to counteract the "you've known him for 4 years and dated him for 2 a.k.a. so why is he acting like we we just met" with "he's acting like we just met so we can have a healthy start towards something new?"

 

I'll try and be more patient, ease off on any kind of pressure, and let him take the lead I guess!

[perfectlyflawed459]

I'm in the middle of an attempt to recon with my ex. Its been two months since BU

 

All in all about the communication, i think you are thinking too much about it. You have to treat this relationship as a NEW one, or else it won't last. You'll be fueled by your past desires and what you knew about the person, but if you broke up something was obviously wrong and people change.

 

When i talk to my ex, i'm this new confident, strong person. She's more talkative than i have ever seen her before. She can casually curse in normal conversation now, which startled me because of how shy she was.

 

Point is, if it happens and you really wanted it, then lucky you. You can't hold high expectations or hold on to the past, though. I realize there were issues between us that lead to our break-up, i understood it and i learned from it.

 

But ultimately, happiness is something you find in yourself. You won't find it in another guy. So if you keep thinking you will, if you keep holding on to this 'past' person you know, it will only fail.

 

Depend on yourself, only.

 

So would you recommend breaking NC? I have been NC for a little over 3 months now and I feel like I have done a pretty good job at letting go grudges and anger. I do not feel sad or really think about the crap we put each other through anymore. All that comes to my mind is how I really miss him and the good times we had. I would love him back in my life, but I do not know if I should give NC a little more time to make sure I am fully healed because I do not want to be set back. I am just curious because I have thought about it for awhile now. I would like to show him that I am putting everything behind me and that I am happier and more positive.

[bbronco]

Perfectlyflawed, my suggestion would be to do it! Sometimes so much times passes that on both ends, the thought of making contact seems too out of the blue or what might have felt like the right moment to break contact has passed.

 

It's almost like you're creating another opening after 3 months to let him know you still care (no harm in that at all) and giving him an opportunity to comfortably provide a response back.

 

The fact that you're saying you're fully healed means you're at least in a way better position than I ever was so that the tears and hurt from the break up aren't going to act as a stresser to any future conversation you might have..

[Bsham]

So would you recommend breaking NC? I have been NC for a little over 3 months now and I feel like I have done a pretty good job at letting go grudges and anger. I do not feel sad or really think about the crap we put each other through anymore. All that comes to my mind is how I really miss him and the good times we had. I would love him back in my life, but I do not know if I should give NC a little more time to make sure I am fully healed because I do not want to be set back. I am just curious because I have thought about it for awhile now. I would like to show him that I am putting everything behind me and that I am happier and more positive.

 

DON'T BREAK NC. Trust me from experience. The chances of it blowing back in your face is massive. It will bring all the hurt again. Just do NC and heal yourself. If the other person wants to contact again they will. But break NC and be prepared to ruin the healing.

[mr.goodguy]

AGREED. Don't break no contact. Get to the gym, EAT HEALTHY and get proper sleep.

 

Literally 30 minutes ago a girl I was seeing for a short period of time over a year ago, whom I haven't texted in over 5 months, sent me a "hey how are you?" How did I respond? "who's this?" She texted back twice within two minutes. See I don't care...my goal for the next year is to continue to put myself first (for the first time in my life) and get stronger (mentally and physically) with the three points listen above.

 

Be strong and take care of yourself...cause you are the only one who can.

[wilsonx]

bbronco, you need to be very careful for your own well being.

 

He's lightbulb end of phase 3 beginning of 4.

 

You are going to be in for a ride.

 

bbronco, hes going to bounce like no other. He will be in the relationship one week and a couple days the next week, hes not going to want anything to do with you. Dont take it personally or you are going to hurt yourself big time. If he already came back, he's going to stay with you for the long haul, you just have to let him bounce back and forth for the next couple of months and not get mad at him.

 

If you want to read the mindset of someone with phase 4, read my "So here it is thread" Just read my posts and ignore every other post in that thread. That's what goes on in the mind of someone phase 4. Its the worst mind **** someone can ever experience and towards the end, hes going to eat a super hard depression.

 

If you have any questions feel free to ask, I can give you advice on anything thats going on in his head right now

[smokey bear]

Hey im cheering for you, n=best advice i can give is just give him space, id stop with the baby talk but keep the pet name.

 

 

Get your butt on here and keep us updated, being on here too will hopefully try and keep you calm and patient as well.

 

Remember everything you learned in nc, you went 1 month and a half, a half day or 2 hear and there should be easy.

 

Just stay cool, calm and be patient.

[ZimboGon]

So would you recommend breaking NC? I have been NC for a little over 3 months now and I feel like I have done a pretty good job at letting go grudges and anger. I do not feel sad or really think about the crap we put each other through anymore. All that comes to my mind is how I really miss him and the good times we had. I would love him back in my life, but I do not know if I should give NC a little more time to make sure I am fully healed because I do not want to be set back. I am just curious because I have thought about it for awhile now. I would like to show him that I am putting everything behind me and that I am happier and more positive.

 

I can't say. Every relationship is different. I just know i had to be true to myself and contact her. Afterwards, it seemed apparent to me that if i hadn't she wouldn't have either. Not because she didn't care, but because of what had happened between us.

 

My best shot at reconciliation was breaking NC. However, those two months of NC before were very beneficial.

[Million.to.1]

I'm subscribing to this thread. Please keep us updated.

 

I really hope it works out for you. Be patient and don't push. You also deserve to be won back by him, so don't make it too easy.

 

Good luck BB!

[kkay]

BBronco,

 

The last post you stated you were going to wait for him to initiate contact. How did this pan out? Would you mind explaining what bridged the gap between the texting to in person contact...? Extremely interested in your progress!

 

Kkay:)

[bbronco]

Wilson (damn your thread was long!!) and Smokey was in the mix a lot too haha...I hope you're both right. That what's happening now is intended to last for the long haul.

 

It's a random time I think in his life in terms of deciphering whether he wants a relationship or not. He has a best friend that just broke up with his gf of 7 years and another friend that's trying to get back together with his ex so I'm sure both those scenarios are relateable. Then there's himself, stressed at work, turning 30 this year and me pretty much pounding on his door trying to get into 1 yr ago relationship mode status!

 

kkay and Million.to.1 and everyone, thanks for your support! The basic insight I can provide on how our communication falters is I know I'm still a strong initiator. I think it's because I've been in chase/beg mode for too long that I can't retire that function yet.

 

After his first emotional downpour and us having sex, he'd initiated a "hey sexy, just thinking about you text"..and that happened before x-mas and is truly the only time he's initiated a text since. I then followed up with inviting him to spend New Years with me, initiating requests to cuddle, to have dinner, etc. I feel like because he showed me a moment of vulnerability (FINALLY) and because he cried again and was so honest, that I need to be loving and fulfill that nurturing gf role again.

 

He's not initiating but at least he responds. And his reponds vary from cute things I like to telling me he'll talk to me after dinner (then passing out and telling me this fact the next morning) or telling me he'll call me after he's done cleaning his place. Like coming in 2nd to cleaning his place is dumbfounding...but I guess I shouldn't take any offense as to what priority I have in his life. And since I'm not his gf yet I can't technically bitch...

 

But like I said, when we finally do have a sleepover or dinner or outing, it's as if no time has passed. He'll comment on how much he's missed me, or how come I never gave up on him, or why I spoil him so much and I'll tell him because I care, etc. I asked him this past weekend when we were out if I'm smothering him or if my communication is welcome, if he'll say of course he wants to hear from me, why would I think that, etc. Conversations like that make my anxieties in the interim seem so trivial.

[confused kitty]

BB hang in there and be patient with him

 

Il be subscribing to this thread too, please keep us posted!!

[bbronco]

Wilson, since you offered your expertise, I might pose one question to you!

 

I feel like we both have a lot of pills we have to swallow and are on high alert/reservation mode in how we handle eachother.

 

For him, I know despite me dumping him initially, the treatment I received post break up in response to my efforts was not compassionate in the least bit. I know he now feels a tremendous amount of guilt. He's referred to us currently as a "situation" at times, that he's put me through a lot of hurt that he's sorry for and feels like my expectations of him have seriously dwindled. I also worry that he's not yet ready to juggle work and a relationship with me again since when we were together I'd complained that our relationship wasn't a priority to him.

 

I meanwhile am trying to show him that I'm totally in tune with his work committments, that I'm not trying to compete for his time and attention or guilt trip him with accusations of neglect. And I'm also avoiding bringing up anything from the past. I'm accepting that he'd slept with his ex before me a bunch while we were broken up (that it should be forgiveable enough if he came back to me) and accepting that he'll never admit this information to me.

 

In my mind, he's dealing with his guilt and thinking through the implications of what it would mean to seriously get back together at this stage/age in his life when settling down is a possibility...and I'm choosing to forgive him on all accounts of past behavior to have a stronger 2nd round relationship.

 

I guess my question is...is guilt really the element that's ****ing with him and making him so hot and cold? Is it because he became so used to his freedoms the past 6 months? Is he concerned that I won't be sensitive to his career? He told me before my compassion for him is once in a lifetime...the fact that I've stuck it out post break up hopefully proves that I'm serious on all fronts to make things better. But at the same time, I don't want to give him everything a girlfriend would without knowing he's equally ready to committ.

[CaliGuy]

So would you recommend breaking NC? I have been NC for a little over 3 months now and I feel like I have done a pretty good job at letting go grudges and anger. I do not feel sad or really think about the crap we put each other through anymore. All that comes to my mind is how I really miss him and the good times we had. I would love him back in my life, but I do not know if I should give NC a little more time to make sure I am fully healed because I do not want to be set back. I am just curious because I have thought about it for awhile now. I would like to show him that I am putting everything behind me and that I am happier and more positive.

 

Nope. Let the dumper break NC and reply at your leisure. This puts the ball more in your court and lets them prove by actions, not words, that they are serious.

[norajane]

-Communication is brutal - when we're not together. There's no high frequency of texts/calls like before we broke up. I only know how to talk to him in the bf baby talk lingo. And I always have a fear that I'm smothering him somehow (maybe because I've been begging to a wall for 6 months prior? haha)

 

What is bf baby talk lingo? Is this normal language? Or is this you buttering him up all the time?

 

-When we're together, it's perfect. It's just as it was before the break up. We don't hide anything in front of our friends, which is great because in addition to my hopes going up, the friends' hopes have gone up and if the ex goes back to ignoring me, there have been plenty of witnesses that won't take kindly to any sudden douche moves.

 

How does that help you? You don't think he'd walk away just because friends are aware he is considering getting back together? Are you really relying on other people's opinions to keep him in line? What possible effect could that have on him...it didn't matter much to him what other people thought when he dumped you...right?

 

-We're still not back to bf/gf status. This part is tough again as I have to be grateful that we're even hanging out vs 2 months ago...but the lack of titles makes the communication awkward and makes me nervous about how long this new found contact will last. I'd asked and he'd just told me it'll take time.

 

You have to be grateful? Really? Shouldn't he feel grateful that YOU are giving him another chance after he dumped you once already and after treating you horribly after the break-up?

 

I guess I'm questioning how good this really is for you since you are walking on eggshells and constantly on the look-out for him to walk away, all after begging him to come back. That's not a positive place to be emotionally.

 

I imagine this is extremely stressful for you, and he hasn't even said he wants to get back together! You're still auditioning for him, as though he doesn't already know who you are and what a relationship with you is like.

 

I don't see how or why this is worth it. Surely there are men out there who wouldn't make you jump through 1000 hoops all without even wanting to be your boyfriend.

 

What exactly makes him worth all this effort on your part? Did you f*ck his best friend or something and feel you have to plead for him to give you the time of day? Otherwise, I can't see what you get out of this. Why do you want a man SO BADLY who isn't even sure he wants you at all?

[perfectlyflawed459]

Nope. Let the dumper break NC and reply at your leisure. This puts the ball more in your court and lets them prove by actions, not words, that they are serious.

 

He broke NC twice at 6 weeks, but I ignored it because I knew I wasn't ready to handle hearing from him again. I don't know if he would break it again anytime soon because I gave him the cold shoulder ya know? But I do feel like I am in a a MUCH better place than I was at six weeks NC

[ZimboGon]

Perfectlyflawed, is he single?

 

If he is, just contact him.

[perfectlyflawed459]

Perfectlyflawed, is he single?

 

If he is, just contact him.

 

Hmm I am actually not sure. When I went NC he started seeing another girl, but I haven't really stayed updated on his life so I don't know if they are together still. I know it is nothing serious though between them and I haven't seen them together so who knows! That is kind of something holding me back right now though, because i don't really want to get involved if he is with someone else. I am kind of going into this whole thing blind haha. I am still kind of still thinking of the idea of breaking NC over

[ZimboGon]

I would suggest breaking NC if he is single... Otherwise that is a territory i would stay out of.

[confused kitty]

Reading these posts on here is soo making me want to break NC too!!!

 

I dont know how to post a link (heehee sorry!) but Id love if some of you guys could read my post in second chances its titled "Is he interested again...?" Id really appriciate advice from you guys! Thanks in advance :-)

[bbronco]

I dumped him when we first broke up...that might explain my current situation and his guard potentially being up!

[CaliGuy]

I would suggest breaking NC if he is single... Otherwise that is a territory i would stay out of.

 

I disagree. If he isn't pursuing her like it's the end of the world, it's gonna be heartbreak again.

 

She should never break NC and NEVER initiate contact. Trust me, if they really want to be with you, nothing on earth will stop them from getting to you.

 

And if he ex had any manhood in him, he'd find her and talk to her to her face.

[perfectlyflawed459]

I disagree. If he isn't pursuing her like it's the end of the world, it's gonna be heartbreak again.

 

She should never break NC and NEVER initiate contact. Trust me, if they really want to be with you, nothing on earth will stop them from getting to you.

 

And if he ex had any manhood in him, he'd find her and talk to her to her face.

 

Well the funny thing is...when he broke NC, he did find me and did do it in person :S It was never a text, Facebook message (I deleted him on Facebook anyway), or email. It really was a face to face thing and I gave him a very evident cold shoulder when he did it because I wasn't ready to face him personally. Then a week later he kind of broke NC again and told my mother that something was missing in his life. But I understand, that would be the safest bet to wait and see if he tries to break it again because I have come a long way in my healing during my three and half months of NC. Blahh we will see haha.