Ex has reduced me to FWB status....

[Hopeless_1116]

I just really need to vent.....I'm feeling pretty cheap and disgusting right now. Some background:

 

Broken up 11 months. Really bad break up, lots of anger and pain. Our relationship was far from perfect, but we had some really amazing times and most importantly, we were crazy in love with each other. Unfortunately, our crazy love also made us just plain "crazy". No cheating or anything like that, mostly trust issues and emotional immaturity on both parts and we just couldn't move past our differences. I ended the relationship in hopes that he would change his hot/cold behaviour as it was affecting my son from a previous relationship.

 

First month post break-up, LC while trying to figure it out. He ultimately decides to let the relationship end stating he needs to be on his own right now and hopefully we can reconnect in the future. I go NC for 2 months then email him to say I miss him and still love him and wonder if things could be different. He writes back saying he'll always love me, but too much has happened and he still feels the break up was for the best BUT you never know what the future holds (ah yes, the breadcrumb to keep you pining). We talk on friendly terms for a few weeks and even made plans to get together at his request on two different occasions, but he didn't follow through. I went 2 months NC again to give him more time and space. Contacted him again to say "hi". He writes back saying he's been thinking about me a lot, is happy to hear from me, and asks to meet for a drink. I accept. During our meeting he basically spent the whole time talking about the women he had been dating since our split. I could tell he was trying to be an ass! I didn't let it bother me though and a few days later got an apology by text for the way he acted. Apparently he still had animosity towards me for whatever reason - I let it go. Since then (September), we've been on friendly terms. Speaking quite regularly. I also dated someone else for 3 months during this time frame as well (while still pining for my ex of course).

 

I ended it with my most recent guy a few weeks ago and things between my ex and I recently got awkward. He has always been a little flirtatious and I've told him before it makes me uncomfortable given our "friend" status and that I didn't feel he should be making suggestive comments or even referencing past relations we've had together. He agreed to stop. Only he never really did. Instead of just making the comment he would say something like "If I were allowed to make comments, I'd ask you if you were turned on right now" or something like that. So still doing it in a roundabout way. Well the other night by text message, things got a little heated. I knew better to engage in this conversation but I started to wonder now that we're both not seeing anyone if he's trying to spark things back up. We ended up exchanging some sexy pics via text. In the moment, it was was actually quite exciting and it felt the way it did when we were together. When the conversation ended we said goodnight. Three days went by and not a word from him. Did my ex seriously use me to get his rocks off? You bet he did.....i contacted him yesterday to say that he knows how I feel about him and that I can't have a friendship with him like this and he just said "ok"...OK!!!! Are you serious? This is a guy who used to adore me to no end and now he's trying to use me for sex. I am so insulted and offended. I don't know how he could possibly separate the feelings of love from the act after everything we had together. It makes me sick. I feel like a cheap whore. Im going NC again and hoping I can stick to it. Why do I still love him......he obviously doesn't even have respect for me, nevermind have any sort of love for me Any encouraging words are appreciated. Thanks for listening!!!

Edited January 10, 2012 by Hopeless_1116

[Philosoraptor]

It seems like you understand the situation very well and there isn't much at all to point out. Find your path to healing and follow it. Avoid contact with this person as he does not seem to have been able to mature whatsoever.

[Standard-Fare]

Not to stir the pot here, but I personally don't feel like "exchanging sexy pics" is all that serious. When I started reading I was assuming you two had slept together.

 

I understand why it unsettled you -- your feelings are involved. But I also understand why your ex would consider it within the same realm as the flirtations he's already been trying on you. Exchanging pics is intimate but also sort of playful, and a little impersonal. It's different than kissing or sex.

He might have viewed your reaction as the same type of slap on the wrists you've given him for flirting (which you haven't really been enforcing).

 

The bottom line, though, is that you can't handle any of this right now. You're still pining for him and it's confusing. Unless it seems like he's open to talking about a second shot at the relationship, you should probably stick with the NC.

[geegirl]

You mentioned that your love was "crazy love". Sometimes you confuse that type of crazy passion for love when in actual fact it is toxicity or surface level emotions. Crazy love cannot stand the test of time versus a relationship that is slowly built on a foundation of shared values (not just crazy love), which you both cleary didn't have. The honeymoon phase is very much a time when all you see are stars and rainbows in each other no matter how clear the signs of incompatibility are and you even state that there were trust issues and emotional immaturity. That does not breed love.

 

How can he just step away from that "love" and view you now as someone he can use to get his jingles on? Well, he probably was never fully emotionally invested in you, hence the emotional immaturity. He most likely checked out of the relationship way before you broke up.

 

You are placing your value of the relationship on him. You're projecting your feelings on him. Stop. You have to look at his actions and his words and take them for what they are. When someone tells you what you don't want to hear, LISTEN. He is doing what he is doing because he has no significant emotional attachment to you. He may have feelings for you but not quite the level that's enough to bind him to you.

 

It's normal to still love a jerk because you have an emotional attachment, jerk or not. I have been there before. But loving him is not justification enough to keep going back and making him try to love you back.

 

NC and stay that way. He has nothing to offer you. The sad part is that he has been direct with you over and over again about not wanting to be in a relationship but you felt the need to coax to make him come your way. NC is the only way for you to detach and once you detach you will see him for who he is.

Edited January 10, 2012 by geegirl

[Emilia]

We ended up exchanging some sexy pics via text. In the moment, it was was actually quite exciting and it felt the way it did when we were together. When the conversation ended we said goodnight. Three days went by and not a word from him. Did my ex seriously use me to get his rocks off? You bet he did.....i contacted him yesterday to say that he knows how I feel about him and that I can't have a friendship with him like this and he just said "ok"...OK!!!! Are you serious? This is a guy who used to adore me to no end and now he's trying to use me for sex. I am so insulted and offended. I don't know how he could possibly separate the feelings of love from the act after everything we had together. It makes me sick. I feel like a cheap whore. Im going NC again and hoping I can stick to it. Why do I still love him......he obviously doesn't even have respect for me, nevermind have any sort of love for me Any encouraging words are appreciated. Thanks for listening!!!

 

I think you are really overreacting. He used the pics to masturbate, so what? He probably does that anyway when he thinks about you in the mornings or something. He now has a pic too, what's the deal?

[Hopeless_1116]

I think you are really overreacting. He used the pics to masturbate, so what? He probably does that anyway when he thinks about you in the mornings or something. He now has a pic too, what's the deal?

 

Well that is your opinion and you're entitled to it, but my point is that he has known I still have feelings and I've told him that when he flirts with me it's confusing and that I would prefer that we just keep the conversation on a friendship level UNLESS he is interested in a trying our relationship again. It's not so much the sexy pics that's the problem, but the fact that it's all he wanted from me. I honestly did not take part in this friendship to try to change his mind or hoping that it would turn into something. I chose to be friends with him because I genuinely love him and care about him as a person. However, the fact that he is engaging me in sexual conversation and sending me mixed messages KNOWING full well how I feel about him tells me that he does not genuinely care about me at all.

 

I got over the fact that we weren't going to be together again a long time ago. I haven't been holding out hope, so I thought maybe he had changed his mind and I just feel sad that he doesn't have any respect for my feelings.

[Hopeless_1116]

Not to stir the pot here, but I personally don't feel like "exchanging sexy pics" is all that serious. When I started reading I was assuming you two had slept together.

 

I understand why it unsettled you -- your feelings are involved. But I also understand why your ex would consider it within the same realm as the flirtations he's already been trying on you. Exchanging pics is intimate but also sort of playful, and a little impersonal. It's different than kissing or sex.

He might have viewed your reaction as the same type of slap on the wrists you've given him for flirting (which you haven't really been enforcing).

 

The bottom line, though, is that you can't handle any of this right now. You're still pining for him and it's confusing. Unless it seems like he's open to talking about a second shot at the relationship, you should probably stick with the NC.

 

We hadn't slept together yet, but he wanted it to happen. We were supposed to be seeing each other tonight "as friends" (planned before the exchange of sexy pics) to celebrate the launch on his new business. Once the pic thing happened, the expectation of the meeting changed as well and that's what I mean by fwb status. He wanted to to sleep with me tonight knowing that I still have feeling for him and knowing that he has no intention of anything beyond a hook up, which is why I cancelled on his and told him this friendship isn't working out. I find it disrespecful that he is trying to use my love for him for selfish reasons. I find it disrespectful to even flirt knowing i have feelings. We decided on friendship, and I don't have any friends I flirt with or have intimate conversations with, and I don't intend to start now.

[Emilia]

Leading someone on is wrong yes. Maybe after this time (don't know what you mean by 'long time') he doesn't think you have any feelings for him anymore. He clearly has fond memories of you hence the photos but didn't realise you would be upset by the conversation.

[Emilia]

We hadn't slept together yet, but he wanted it to happen. We were supposed to be seeing each other tonight "as friends" (planned before the exchange of sexy pics) to celebrate the launch on his new business. Once the pic thing happened, the expectation of the meeting changed as well and that's what I mean by fwb status. He wanted to to sleep with me tonight knowing that I still have feeling for him and knowing that he has no intention of anything beyond a hook up, which is why I cancelled on his and told him this friendship isn't working out. I find it disrespecful that he is trying to use my love for him for selfish reasons. I find it disrespectful to even flirt knowing i have feelings. We decided on friendship, and I don't have any friends I flirt with or have intimate conversations with, and I don't intend to start now.

 

Did he tell you in uncertain terms he only wanted casual sex and nothing else or are you assuming that?

[Hopeless_1116]

Did he tell you in uncertain terms he only wanted casual sex and nothing else or are you assuming that?

 

Well, no. He actually said once that he would never want casual sex from someone he was so attached to, but his advances say otherwise. He said that he couldn't wait to have me pressed between him and his mattress. When I brought up the fact that I had to cancel because this would only end up creating more hurt because of the feelings I still had for him, he did not seem bothered. He didn't say he also had feelings or that maybe it would led somehwere. It just said "ok". He didn't have to say anything point blank. The truth is in the message.

[Emilia]

Well, no. He actually said once that he would never want casual sex from someone he was so attached to, but his advances say otherwise. He said that he couldn't wait to have me pressed between him and his mattress. When I brought up the fact that I had to cancel because this would only end up creating more hurt because of the feelings I still had for him, he did not seem bothered. He didn't say he also had feelings or that maybe it would led somehwere. It just said "ok". He didn't have to say anything point blank. The truth is in the message.

 

I think he didn't want to deal with your fear. Maybe it was one of the reasons of your breakup? Expressing sexual desire is completely healthy, normal and expected. It's not the same as wanting casual sex only. I don't know if I would try to say anything else either beyond 'ok' if one of my exes attacked me for fancying them still.

[geegirl]

Well that is your opinion and you're entitled to it, but my point is that he has known I still have feelings and I've told him that when he flirts with me it's confusing and that I would prefer that we just keep the conversation on a friendship level UNLESS he is interested in a trying our relationship again. It's not so much the sexy pics that's the problem, but the fact that it's all he wanted from me. I honestly did not take part in this friendship to try to change his mind or hoping that it would turn into something. I chose to be friends with him because I genuinely love him and care about him as a person. However, the fact that he is engaging me in sexual conversation and sending me mixed messages KNOWING full well how I feel about him tells me that he does not genuinely care about me at all.

 

I got over the fact that we weren't going to be together again a long time ago. I haven't been holding out hope, so I thought maybe he had changed his mind and I just feel sad that he doesn't have any respect for my feelings.

 

I think you have to take accountability for your own feelings and your role in this. You said that you got over the fact that you two weren't going to be together a long time ago and that you weren't holding on to hope but you went back a couple of times prodding him hoping that maybe he was feeling differently. You said you didn't take part in the friendship hoping to change his mind or for it to turn into something. But you did.

 

You were in a relationship with him but you deluded yourself into believing that while you still loved and cared for him after the break up, you could be "friends" with him but friends was just a way of testing the waters to see if there could be anything more. If you wanted to solely be friends, then you would not have engaged in "naked picture sharing." Your boundaries for a friendship would have been set straight. And if he crossed the lines of friendship, you would have slapped his hand and moved on.

 

You were hoping for it to be more than a friendship and you went as far as you could and now realizing that he was just in it for fun, you hold him accountable for leading you on. Be accountable for putting yourself in a situation that from the get go resulted in you getting hurt and disappointed over and over again by the same man.

[Emilia]

Also, he has already told you once he couldn't imagine going casual with you after the attachment you had. What else are you expecting him to say? If you don't believe him, why are you expecting him to say something again along those lines? It's pure fear on your part.

[Hopeless_1116]

I think he didn't want to deal with your fear. Maybe it was one of the reasons of your breakup? Expressing sexual desire is completely healthy, normal and expected. It's not the same as wanting casual sex only. I don't know if I would try to say anything else either beyond 'ok' if one of my exes attacked me for fancying them still.

 

Well, I don't think I "attacked" him. I just simply said that the friendship wasn't working out the way I had hoped. Expressing sexual desire is healthy, but with an ex who you have no interest in and knows still has love for you? I'm obviously accountable for my own actions, but at the same time he has been "testing the waters" sexually for months and I kept telling him it was all or nothing in the sex department, so why wouldn't I think he may have had a change of heart?

 

I'm not sure what you mean by he didn't want to have to deal with my fear? Fear of what?

[Hopeless_1116]

Also, he has already told you once he couldn't imagine going casual with you after the attachment you had. What else are you expecting him to say? If you don't believe him, why are you expecting him to say something again along those lines? It's pure fear on your part.

 

Well what else would it be if we're not dating and he has no desire to date again? Casual sex. Men lie all the time to get what they want. If he's saying one thing and trying to do another, duh it's not rocket science.

[geegirl]

 

You claim that he was testing the waters sexually for months and you still engaged and prodded for a so called "friendship" eventhough he was blatant in his motives for months.

 

Stop putting this on him. You're just mad and hurt that you didn't get what you wanted. He is a douchey but that doesn't absolve you of your own actions, which is what hurt you. I'm sorry for being harsh but until you look at why you make these bad decisions for yourself, you will never move forward and do right by you.

Edited January 10, 2012 by geegirl

[Hopeless_1116]

I think you have to take accountability for your own feelings and your role in this. You said that you got over the fact that you two weren't going to be together a long time ago and that you weren't holding on to hope but you went back a couple of times prodding him hoping that maybe he was feeling differently. You said you didn't take part in the friendship hoping to change his mind or for it to turn into something. But you did.

 

You were in a relationship with him but you deluded yourself into believing that while you still loved and cared for him after the break up, you could be "friends" with him but friends was just a way of testing the waters to see if there could be anything more. If you wanted to solely be friends, then you would not have engaged in "naked picture sharing." Your boundaries for a friendship would have been set straight. And if he crossed the lines of friendship, you would have slapped his hand and moved on.

 

You were hoping for it to be more than a friendship and you went as far as you could and now realizing that he was just in it for fun, you hold him accountable for leading you on. Be accountable for putting yourself in a situation that from the get go resulted in you getting hurt and disappointed over and over again by the same man.

 

The funny thing is, is that I truly mean it. In my first attempt to reach out 8 months ago, I did hope that we could reconcile but once we came face to face in September, I understood that he had moved on and I was happy that he is happy. Do I miss our relationship? All the time. Will I always love him? I believe I will, but his happiness means everything to me, so I choose to remember that he is happy and that just because we're not together anymore, doesn't mean I can't still love him and be there for him as a friend. I am accountable for my actions and changing the dynamic of our friendship by taking part in the texting was foolish on my part. I have understood for some time that he doesn't want to be in this relationship, but in the moment I got caught up. I am not holding him accountable for what happened. The only thing I'm holding him accountable for is not caring enough about me to know where to draw the line if he doesn't want anything more than sex. He is a man and I'm sure he can find that with someone else. Why complicate a friendship with a person who genuinely cares for you and has your best interests at heart? Perhaps I'm missing something, but I just don't think it's respectful of the friendship knowing my position.

[Hopeless_1116]

 

You claim that he was testing the waters sexually for months and you still engaged and prodded for a so called "friendship" eventhough he was blatant in his motives for months.

 

Stop putting this on him. You're just mad and hurt that you didn't get what you wanted. He is a douchey but that doesn't absolve you of your own actions, which is what hurt you. I'm sorry for being harsh but until you look at why you make these bad decisions for yourself, you will never move forward and do right by you.

 

I am not angry I didn't get what I "wanted". All I wanted was to have him in my life. I guess I'm just hurt that the same guy who told me he would always love me and hold a special place in his heart for me views me as nothing more than a "toy". It's just a blow to the self esteem. I preferred to think that I had a special place in his heart and now I know I really don't.

[Els]

No one can 'reduce you' to anything unless you allow them to, you know.

[geegirl]

The funny thing is, is that I truly mean it. In my first attempt to reach out 8 months ago, I did hope that we could reconcile but once we came face to face in September, I understood that he had moved on and I was happy that he is happy. Do I miss our relationship? All the time. Will I always love him? I believe I will, but his happiness means everything to me, so I choose to remember that he is happy and that just because we're not together anymore, doesn't mean I can't still love him and be there for him as a friend. I am accountable for my actions and changing the dynamic of our friendship by taking part in the texting was foolish on my part. I have understood for some time that he doesn't want to be in this relationship, but in the moment I got caught up. I am not holding him accountable for what happened. The only thing I'm holding him accountable for is not caring enough about me to know where to draw the line if he doesn't want anything more than sex. He is a man and I'm sure he can find that with someone else. Why complicate a friendship with a person who genuinely cares for you and has your best interests at heart? Perhaps I'm missing something, but I just don't think it's respectful of the friendship knowing my position.

 

You can love him and still be there for him as a friend but only when you have detached yourself emotionally from him. Attaching while you are still emotional, under the pretense of friendship, is most likely your hope to rekindle. You have to pick one. If it's going to be a friendship because you will always care and love this person, then extend those feelings when you are completely detached emotionally. You have to be honest in your motives.

 

Unfortunately you cannot control the emotions and actions of others. You cannot make someone care or love you. You cannot make someone respect your boundaries. You cannot make someone respect you. You cannot make someone feel what you feel.

 

I think his reaction has invalidated and devalued what you had with him and it hurts you deeply. You held your R with him in high regard and seeing that his reaction contradicts what you thought was of substance, he has disappointed you.

 

This is who he is. He is showing you and you have to decide if he is worthy of ever being in your life. This is the time for you to evaluate as to whether he is even worth being a friend, if at all the time comes for you to make that decision again.

 

I have been in your shoes and I know what it feels like to love someone and realize that their need to engage is only for sex. The right thing to do would be to take heed when you see the red flags and disengage the moment you realize boundaries are being broken.

[Hopeless_1116]

You can love him and still be there for him as a friend but only when you have detached yourself emotionally from him. Attaching while you are still emotional, under the pretense of friendship, is most likely your hope to rekindle. You have to pick one. If it's going to be a friendship because you will always care and love this person, then extend those feelings when you are completely detached emotionally. You have to be honest in your motives.

 

I think his reaction has invalidated and devalued what you had with him and it hurts you deeply. You held your R with him in high regard and seeing that his reaction contradicts what you thought was of substance, he has disappointed you.

 

This is who he is. He is showing you and you have to decide if he is worthy of ever being in your life. This is the time for you to evaluate as to whether he is even worth being a friend, if at all the time comes for you to make that decision again.

 

I have been in your shoes and I know what it feels like to love someone and realize that their need to engage is only for sex. The right thing to do would be to take heed when you see the red flags and disengage the moment you realize boundaries are being broken.

 

I haven't been emotional. In fact that's why I went 2 months NC two different times....to get a hold of my emotions and get them in check. I listen to him go on and on about the girls he's dating and never feel any type of jealousy or sadness. In fact the only time I ever experienced any type of sadness is when he would flirt with me, which is why I asked him to stop unless he wanted to try again. It reminded me all too much of the playfulness in our relationship and confused me.

 

Did I become emotional after the pics? Yes, because again he's sending mixed messages. If he would just be a FRIEND, I wouldn't become emotional. I can handle our friendship, as long as it's black and white. I can't handle grey area.

 

You hit the nail on the head with devaluing what we had together. That's exactly it. I can handle knowing our relationship went bad but we'd always love each other is a special way. I can't handle knowing that a man I hold in such high regard, has very little respect for me and my feelings.

[Emilia]

Well what else would it be if we're not dating and he has no desire to date again? Casual sex. Men lie all the time to get what they want. If he's saying one thing and trying to do another, duh it's not rocket science.

 

It's not rocket science but your arguments don't make sense.

 

In your original post there is no mention of his confirming not wanting to date again. Then apparently he said he never wanted anything casual with you because he was too attached in the past (correct, you can't go backwards).

 

So where do you get the idea that he only wants casual? If you believe he is liar to get sex from you, why did you expect him to try to convince you otherwise? you expressed disappointment that he just let your comment go with an 'ok' but since you don't believe anything he says because he is a liar, why does that matter?

[Emilia]

Well, I don't think I "attacked" him. I just simply said that the friendship wasn't working out the way I had hoped. Expressing sexual desire is healthy, but with an ex who you have no interest in and knows still has love for you? I'm obviously accountable for my own actions, but at the same time he has been "testing the waters" sexually for months and I kept telling him it was all or nothing in the sex department, so why wouldn't I think he may have had a change of heart?

 

I'm not sure what you mean by he didn't want to have to deal with my fear? Fear of what?

 

Fear of being hurt. You have to be very careful that it doesn't rule your actions.

 

For the bolded part: how do you know he has no romantic interest in you? I can't see anything in your posts that confirm that.

[Hopeless_1116]

It's not rocket science but your arguments don't make sense.

 

In your original post there is no mention of his confirming not wanting to date again. Then apparently he said he never wanted anything casual with you because he was too attached in the past (correct, you can't go backwards).

 

So where do you get the idea that he only wants casual? If you believe he is liar to get sex from you, why did you expect him to try to convince you otherwise? you expressed disappointment that he just let your comment go with an 'ok' but since you don't believe anything he says because he is a liar, why does that matter?

 

Well, if I say I still have feelings so we're either friends or not - - nothing in between and he says "ok", then I think it's self explainatory that he doesn't want to date again. This is where he would have said "I still have feelings too. Perhaps we should try dating again and see where it leads". Hence, my disappointment caused by the realization that my ex is actually capable of lying to me for sex. Hence the reason for my original post.

 

Geesh, why are you challenging my every word?

[Hopeless_1116]

Fear of being hurt. You have to be very careful that it doesn't rule your actions.

 

For the bolded part: how do you know he has no romantic interest in you? I can't see anything in your posts that confirm that.

 

Having sex outside of a committed relationship or at least with someone who doesnt have any intention of wanting to date you has HURT written all over it, and I'm not referring to mutual agreements to have a casual sexual relationship. I'm talking about where one person still has feelings for the other. This is where, if he cared about me and thought trying again was a possiblity, he would have EASED my fear of being hurt by expressing his genuine intentions. He just said "ok". That is enough for me to know that my "fear" was correct. It's obvious that he has no romantic interest in me - - he has a sexual interest in me.

Edited January 10, 2012 by Hopeless_1116