Ex has reduced me to FWB status....

[Hopeless_1116]

It's a tactic. Don't fall for it.

 

Trust me, he's not hurt. His ego is taking a beating. I would believe being hurt if he was emotional about you. Remember, what he desired. This doesn't hurt him. It's just a form of rejection he cannot fathom. It's normal to feel bad but please continue to look at the big picture and to realize that he cannot give you anything, at least for now while you are still emotional. You want him in your life as a friend, sure, but please heal. You never gave yourself a change the past two times you were on NC because NC wasn't about healing but giving him time to change his mind. This go around, use NC for you.

 

He's probably going, "What is the meaning of Hopeless not contacting me, but, but only days ago she was twisting herself into a pretzel for me and now she's ignoring me?" I told you he would bait you again.

 

Why do you believe he does not understand? Haven't you been on the NC journey with him more than once? Haven't you reiterated over and over again that you can't accept a friendship based on his terms? Do you not believe this grown man knows not how this is affecting you and your need to heal seeing that you are emotional or are you making excuses for him in hopes of maybe making contact so that you can explain your terms again, and maybe this time he will change his mind.

 

If he's smart enough to play this game, he understands what it means.

 

I'm officially weak and pathetic. I sent a quick, closed-ended response to his note. I just felt so horrible. I imagined myself in his shoes and it made me feel so sad. Hopefully, he gets the hint and doesn't send anything else. I need to go NC to heal and move on. I only made it 1 day......let's try again

[geegirl]

that's the thing that bothers me the most -- that i feel conflicted over someone who treated me so poorly. i mean -- i don't feel as though i'm back at square one since this recent contact. but is frustrating that i this has been more of a setback than i expected. even though i know i shouldn't beat myself up over how i feel.

 

i see your point though - - there's no use in responding to someone you have no value/interest in; especially if they allow them themselves to be treated that way in the first place.

 

I think it is normal to feel this way and most times the first reaction would be to analyze motive for contact and if you're still emotional, it then triggers hope. Hope for whatever you may hope for. He may have treated you poorly but you still need to know that you were of value to him. Maybe you hope for validation and you want so badly to define his contact as affirmation that you meant something to him. But you realize what his motives are. It sets you back because what you hope for isn't what you're getting and you are disappointed time and time again. Why? Because you still have an attachment to him and it doesn't matter whether he was a jerk or not.

[geegirl]

I'm officially weak and pathetic. I sent a quick, closed-ended response to his note. I just felt so horrible. I imagined myself in his shoes and it made me feel so sad. Hopefully, he gets the hint and doesn't send anything else. I need to go NC to heal and move on. I only made it 1 day......let's try again

 

Don't be so hard on yourself Hopeless. You are not weak and pathetic. You are emotionally consumed by this man.

 

You did what you had to do. Now get back to NC again. If he respects you and your wishes and cares for your well being, he will leave you alone. If he does not, then you have your answer.

 

Sometimes it takes several failures to realize the gift of NC.

[radiodarcy]

I think it is normal to feel this way and most times the first reaction would be to analyze motive for contact and if you're still emotional, it then triggers hope. Hope for whatever you may hope for. He may have treated you poorly but you still need to know that you were of value to him. Maybe you hope for validation and you want so badly to define his contact as affirmation that you meant something to him. But you realize what his motives are. It sets you back because what you hope for isn't what you're getting and you are disappointed time and time again. Why? Because you still have an attachment to him and it doesn't matter whether he was a jerk or not.

 

*sigh* i do still have the attachment to him. i guess part of me always will -- he was my first love and sexual experience. so i guess i have to find a way to accept that. but let him go at the same time. which isn't going to be easy :/

[radiodarcy]

I'm officially weak and pathetic. I sent a quick, closed-ended response to his note. I just felt so horrible. I imagined myself in his shoes and it made me feel so sad. Hopefully, he gets the hint and doesn't send anything else. I need to go NC to heal and move on. I only made it 1 day......let's try again

 

no worries. it happens to all of us. the worst thing you can do is beat yourself up over it. i think people need to break NC in order to realize how important it is to stick to it. so tomorrow is another day

[Sugarkane]

I've also unfortunately been in this situation too. Been completely lied to my face, that they wanted the same thing, when really they wanted just their own immediate needs met. NC is the only way.

[NicoleM]

Sorry I just came across this thread and OP I can understand where you are coming from only I did have sex with him. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and needless to say I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. My ex boyfriend was a cruel,cruel person and made my self-esteem get shot to _ and back. I am friends with an old ex from college and we stayed in touch and occasionally went out but one day sex got involved ( stupid on my part) and I soon realized I was replacing sex with getting over an ex which wasn't exactly good and since I wasn't thinking clearly I thought he wanted me back because he kissed me had sex with me but in reality he didn't want to rekindle anything he just wanted some fun and he got it and I felt crummy. Shockingly he hasn't spoken to me much since we had sex and it is almost like hey got what I wanted even though he were supposedly friends. Sex complicates everything sometimes....... So my advice is don't beat yourself up. Sometimes we do stupid things we regret but the best thing you can do is focus on yourself.

[Hopeless_1116]

So, it's been 3 weeks since I started this post. I was 19 days no contact with the ex. He sent me a text on day 15 to which I didn't respond. Last night he texts again. Tells me he's leaving the company where he's worked for the past 5 1/2 years and wants to know how to keep in touch as he will no longer be at that number (his BB was provided by his employer). I don't know why but I felt sad for him and wanted to express that I was sorry to hear about his job. I responded. We went back and forth a few times and then he asked me if I had received the text from 4 days earlier. I responded with "No, I haven't heard from you since you disappeared with some incriminating photos of me". He responded back with "Don't worry...I deleted those pictures out of respect....even though they were hot!" I responded jokingly saying "Thanks. I'm glad to know I'm not going to see myself posted on some website somewhere" To which he replied "never. I love you....I would never disrespect you :)" In that moment, my heart leaped into my throat. Why was he saying this to me? What does he mean by "I love you" Does he love me as a "friend". I keep analyzing it over and over again in my head, and I'm driving myself crazy. He asked me to go to lunch a week from today - I said I would but I know I probably shouldn't. I have no idea what he meant by "I love you", but I doubt it means he wants to get back together. I'm so confused again. I don't want to be taken advantage of.....but if he wanted to work on our relationship, I would in a second. To go or not to go....that is the question. Thoughts??????

[geegirl]

So, it's been 3 weeks since I started this post. I was 19 days no contact with the ex. He sent me a text on day 15 to which I didn't respond. Last night he texts again. Tells me he's leaving the company where he's worked for the past 5 1/2 years and wants to know how to keep in touch as he will no longer be at that number (his BB was provided by his employer). I don't know why but I felt sad for him and wanted to express that I was sorry to hear about his job. I responded. We went back and forth a few times and then he asked me if I had received the text from 4 days earlier. I responded with "No, I haven't heard from you since you disappeared with some incriminating photos of me". He responded back with "Don't worry...I deleted those pictures out of respect....even though they were hot!" I responded jokingly saying "Thanks. I'm glad to know I'm not going to see myself posted on some website somewhere" To which he replied "never. I love you....I would never disrespect you :)" In that moment, my heart leaped into my throat. Why was he saying this to me? What does he mean by "I love you" Does he love me as a "friend". I keep analyzing it over and over again in my head, and I'm driving myself crazy. He asked me to go to lunch a week from today - I said I would but I know I probably shouldn't. I have no idea what he meant by "I love you", but I doubt it means he wants to get back together. I'm so confused again. I don't want to be taken advantage of.....but if he wanted to work on our relationship, I would in a second. To go or not to go....that is the question. Thoughts??????

 

At least be honest with yourself. You're constantly sad about every thing this man goes through. You use it as an excuse to reach out. Sad is not enough to keep going through the same BS. I'm sad he burped last night. Let me reach out. I'm sad I'm ignoring him. Let me reach out. I'm sad he is leaving his company. Let me reach out. The man wasn't even fired. He's leaving the company. You're sad about that??? You weren't sad. You freaked out that he would have no way of contacting you so you responded. When are you going to start feeling sad about what you keep putting yourself through? Get mad. Get sad. Not for him, but for you.

 

Now he throws three little words at you and you're in a knot. Did he come to you and say, "Hopeless, I was such a fool to let you go. I love you so much and I can't be without you and if you see it in your heart to give me one more try, I'll do whatever it takes to make it work." Great!

 

He respects you and he loves you (with a smiley face) so he deleted your naked pictures. Yes, that says a lot.

 

You can go if you want. No one can tell you what you need to do. If your gut is saying it's not a good idea, then don't. If you believe three words mashed into a conversation about naked pictures is worth the risk, then go.

 

Go back and read this thread again. Maybe it will refresh your memory. Your title says it all.

Edited January 31, 2012 by geegirl