Need support

[sp2007]

Hard to type. Afraid to move. Still in shock. Found his profile on an online dating site. Active within 1 week. Guess I suspected. Hard to process. Confronted him. Figured I'd get the truth finally. Guess not. 3+ years of separation, waiting for his divorce. 4+ years in total. Complete waste. I love you. This relationship is serious. You are my best friend. We will be together. Blah blah blah blah. How could I possibly be so stupid? He lists himself as divorced. He's not. I would rather he had gone back to his wife. Actually looked me in the eye and told me he never played me. Please don't let me go through this alone.

[MissBee]

Hi Sp2007,

 

I know that feeling of the wind being knocked out of you when you realize something you have cherished and believed in comes crashing down. You won't go through it alone...many of us have been there before. It hurts like hell...but the good news is that after you detox from that situation and share with others, you get strength.

[sp2007]

He "admits it looks bad." YOU THINK?! Said he never lied to his wife. Betrayed her, yes, but never lied. Just had s*x this week. What a sh*t. Not sure what I will do when shock ends. Afraid of anger.

Edited January 10, 2012 by sp2007

[LadyGrey]

Hard to type. Afraid to move. Still in shock. Found his profile on an online dating site. Active within 1 week. Guess I suspected. Hard to process. Confronted him. Figured I'd get the truth finally. Guess not. 3+ years of separation, waiting for his divorce. 4+ years in total. Complete waste. I love you. This relationship is serious. You are my best friend. We will be together. Blah blah blah blah. How could I possibly be so stupid? He lists himself as divorced. He's not. I would rather he had gone back to his wife. Actually looked me in the eye and told me he never played me. Please don't let me go through this alone.

 

SP.........Hugs! I'm sorry, I really am. I can imagine how shocked and hurt you are. You had been in what you thought was a legitimate relationship for quite a while. He is a asshat!

 

 

You are not alone. So many of us have hurt like that. You will survive and you can thrive.

 

I hope it's not the wrong thing to say at this time but you have a very clear picture of what an asshat this man is, please don't let him bs you into believing it was just a mistake. To put yourself out there on a dating site shows perfect clarity and intent to cheat. Please don't disregard what he has shown you. I don't want to see you hurt more down the road.

 

Hugs.....

[MissBee]

He "admits it looks bad." YOU THINK?! Said he never lied to his wife. Betrayed her, yes, but never lied. Just had s*x this week. What a sh*t. Not sure what I will do when shock ends. Afraid of anger.

 

Clearly this man, like so many people in the midst of cheating, is delusional hge never lied just betrayed her???? Um wtf how can you betray someone without lying?? And even if you could....are you somehow more noble bcause you "only betrayed"...this is hilarious lmaooooo

 

There should be a thread about when MM get backed into a corner....what nonsense comes out

 

Anyway, his response tells a lot about him. His ideas of love, respect and fidelity are warped and that has nothing to do with you or his wife or who knows who else he is "not lying to, just betraying" ...crazy

[sp2007]

To quote Eminem:

 

Wait! What if there's an explanation for this sh*t?

What? She tripped? Fell? Landed on his d*ck?

 

Don't worry. It is done. I don't believe his excuse for one moment. Doesn't mean it will be easy, but I hopefully have enough pride to maintain NC.

 

Asshat is a good word. But I can think of some that are better.

[sp2007]

And I'm not at anger yet.

 

I'm going to need a lot of support here.

 

4 f'ing years. 4 f'ing wasted years.

 

He already deleted the profile. Why bother?

[MissBee]

And I'm not at anger yet.

 

I'm going to need a lot of support here.

 

4 f'ing years. 4 f'ing wasted years.

 

He already deleted the profile. Why bother?

 

Was there a plan that he'd leave the wife at some point?

[LadyGrey]

And I'm not at anger yet.

 

I'm going to need a lot of support here.

 

4 f'ing years. 4 f'ing wasted years.

 

He already deleted the profile. Why bother?

 

 

Believe this, you are stronger than you know.

 

 

Hugs....

[sp2007]

He left his wife and moved into his own place over 3 years ago. Or maybe she kicked him out. I now wonder. Regardless, they have been separated for awhile -- and apparently working on their divorce. I've seen the paperwork for that too, but who knows. It's one thing to troll a dating site just to see who is out there, but it's another thing entirely to set up and post a profile -- with photos and a write up. Not only is he an asshat, but apparently stupid as well.

[sp2007]

How could he possibly think I wouldn't find out? He posted PHOTOS ffs.

[MissBee]

He left his wife and moved into his own place over 3 years ago. Or maybe she kicked him out. I now wonder. Regardless, they have been separated for awhile -- and apparently working on their divorce. I've seen the paperwork for that too, but who knows. It's one thing to troll a dating site just to see who is out there, but it's another thing entirely to set up and post a profile -- with photos and a write up. Not only is he an asshat, but apparently stupid as well.

 

Ohh okay. So you had been over to his place and stuff and knew for a fact he did live there and not with his wife?

 

But yea...she may have kicked him out indeed.

 

A lot of cheaters are very brazen and have this sense that they won't be caught OR that if they are, they can smooth it over. People who behave like that usually have issues and are unable to see how their actions hurt others and seem to be delusional as their reasoning is skewed and their sense of consequences or even being smart enough to hide it seems off too. At the end of the day, they exhibit an inability to think beyond their own pleasure and always have a defense for their behavior...no matter how ridiculous...like his dumb justification of he never lied to his wife, only betrayed her...smh

[sp2007]

Yes, I am 100 percent positive that he is living separately from his wife. He was and, as far as I know still is, separated. My understanding -- for the past 3+ years -- is that I've been dating a separated man. We discussed our relationship numerous times. The understanding between us was that we were exclusive. So finding an online dating profile -- that has been active within 1 week -- is not acceptable. If he wanted to date other people, he could have just told me. I know people will say that I got what I deserved, but this is someone who has been in therapy for 4+ years. I believed in my heart that he was committed to changing his life for the better and he was being honest with me about his situation. The fact that he lied about his marital status on his profile -- saying he is divorced when he is still only separated -- means he hasn't learned a d*mn thing in all that time and that he is a complete narcissist, incapable of any true human emotions such as empathy. He continues to hurt people, leaving piles of human wreckage in his wake, most distressing of which is his own children. I don't think he's even the least bit sorry for what he did. At one point, he actually told me -- "I didn't do anything wrong, it's not like I acted upon it." I am truly floored. It's hard to know how to go on right now. Other than not talking to him, I am not sure what else to do. I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want to face anyone I know. I just want to escape.

[whichwayisup]

Well, it's obvious he hasn't changed and he isn't doing what he's supposed to do during therapy and better himself. Are you sure he actually has gone to therapy or did he quit and just told you he's still going (four years?).. Anyway, all you can do is protect your heart and take care of yourself. His actions pretty much tell you he's messed up and wants to do what he's gonna do with or without your permission (like what he did while he was married, have an affair).. He's a broken man.

[TurningTables]

Hi Sp. First off, Id like to tell you how sorry I am that things have turned out the way they have. I know each one of us has been through this in our own way, but it still hurts really bad. Althought you have gotten some great comments already, I would like to add a couple more thoughts.

 

The first thing you need to do is make an appt with a Dr. You need to get tested for STD'S and make sure that everything with YOU is ok, even if you were practicing safe sex. I hate to scare you, but this may not be the first and only dating site he has his profile on. You dont know what exactly he has been doing behind your back. He has shown himself not trustworthy. Now that you know he has been lying to you, you need to protect yourself.

 

The second thing you need to do is delete everything that is his. His number, emails,FB, etc. You need to go to complete NC. I am not going to lie to you, this isnt over by a long shot! He is going to try to worm his way back in. He will most likely bombard you with phone calls, apologies, etc. It will accelerate when you give him your silence. You might have weak moments and talk to him. It might give you the chance to unleash the anger that will come. Its hard as hell to keep NC with someone who you loved and cared about for so long. You have a 4 year history with this guy that just dosent disappear overnight. Its going to take a long, long time for you to heal and move on. Dont rush it and dont punish yourself.

 

Third, Cry.Cry about it. Throw pillows, scream, do whatever it takes to get the intial shock of it out. Give yourself some time and then get into IC to help you through it if you need to.

 

Finally, I would like to send you out some (((HUGS))) and wish you the best. Keep posting here and let us know how you are.

 

TT

[MissBee]

Yes, I am 100 percent positive that he is living separately from his wife. He was and, as far as I know still is, separated. My understanding -- for the past 3+ years -- is that I've been dating a separated man. We discussed our relationship numerous times. The understanding between us was that we were exclusive. So finding an online dating profile -- that has been active within 1 week -- is not acceptable. If he wanted to date other people, he could have just told me. I know people will say that I got what I deserved, but this is someone who has been in therapy for 4+ years. I believed in my heart that he was committed to changing his life for the better and he was being honest with me about his situation. The fact that he lied about his marital status on his profile -- saying he is divorced when he is still only separated -- means he hasn't learned a d*mn thing in all that time and that he is a complete narcissist, incapable of any true human emotions such as empathy. He continues to hurt people, leaving piles of human wreckage in his wake, most distressing of which is his own children. I don't think he's even the least bit sorry for what he did. At one point, he actually told me -- "I didn't do anything wrong, it's not like I acted upon it." I am truly floored. It's hard to know how to go on right now. Other than not talking to him, I am not sure what else to do. I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want to face anyone I know. I just want to escape.

 

I know the feeling of just wanting to escape the situation. It's a normal and you definitely need time away from him and down time from others, if that will help you feel better. But don't shut yourself off from friends and family for too long, as they are most likely the people who care about you and your best interest.

 

It's so disheartening to find out the sordid truth...I too have experienced that. It is disorienting. But as the days pass you'll be able to make decisions. For now at least you do realize that he has issues and his therapy hasn't help to the degree you need...and that is the bottom line. You've been shown the reality and it is up to you to eventually make a decision based on reality or based on "hoping" he will magically change and waste more years possibly. I don't think you deserve it....but I do believe that the idea that dating someone fresh out of any relationship, worse yet, a marriage, may not be a good idea...it is a great rule of thumb.

[sp2007]

You are probably right about dating someone who is separated or recently divorced. It may not be the best choice for a long-term relationship. But that doesn't mean the rules of common decency don't apply. If you have an agreement that your relationship is exclusive and then you start feeling that you want to date others -- you tell the other person. You don't post an online dating profile with photos. You also don't tell potential new dates that you are divorced when you're still separated. And if you're confronted with visual evidence by the person you supposedly have an exclusive relationship with, you don't try to brush it off as no big deal. That's just cruel. I don't think he's even sorry. I don't know who this person is.

[MissBee]

You are probably right about dating someone who is separated or recently divorced. It may not be the best choice for a long-term relationship. But that doesn't mean the rules of common decency don't apply. If you have an agreement that your relationship is exclusive and then you start feeling that you want to date others -- you tell the other person. You don't post an online dating profile with photos. You also don't tell potential new dates that you are divorced when you're still separated. And if you're confronted with visual evidence by the person you supposedly have an exclusive relationship with, you don't try to brush it off as no big deal. That's just cruel. I don't think he's even sorry. I don't know who this person is.

 

I agree and he hasn't shown common decency.

 

Why was he in therapy? That is also interesting to me. Nothing is wrong with therapy, I recommend it...but sometimes depending on your issues...you are not suitable dating material and need to spend some time sorting yourself out. I think a problem I've had and many people have is realizing when someone is good dating material or not...and sadly it's not your level of like/love for them that determines it. They either are or are not...and if they are not...you can't change that and when you try....you often fight a losing battle.

 

He may very well be incapable of being the type of partner you need...and no one can rush him to "get better". I feel your devastation but I think you'll soon see the silver lining.

[Gentlegirl]

I agree with Miss Bee that dating somebody recently divorced, bereaved or separated is very risky. A friend of mine fell head over heels in love with a separated guy in October last year. She had expensive alterations done to her home and garden when he moved in with his two standard poodles. It lasted 2 months and now he's back with the wife.

 

Anyway , I have experienced some of what you are going through. I saw xMM on a dating website very shortly after we had broken up. It really upset me because I was in a bad way at the time. What upset me even more was the fact that he had joined the website while he was in the very midst of a 3 year A with me. Yes, he said we were in anexclusive relationship too!

 

I agree it makes you feel as though you didn't know the person at all and indeed we didn't. I don't think these guys even know themselves. They have no idea of right or wrong and cannot be true to anybody. If it feels good, they do it.

 

YOu will be far better off in the long run without this toxic influence in your life. Toxic people suck the energy and well being from your system. Stay strong and NC, keep your mind busy and reach out to people who care about you.

 

Best Wishes,

 

Gentlegirl.

[Ms. Red]

why were you on the dating site?

 

This is what I was wondering.

[sp2007]

I found out about the site a few years ago when a friend of mine started using it. I created an account then because I was curious to see my friend's profile and to see what the site was about -- I didn't know anything about online dating at the time. Since then I've signed on to the site periodically just to see if there is someone that I know by searching for a specific activity. If I'm being honest I guess I also do this when I'm struggling in a relationship to reassure myself that there are other men out there. I do not have a profile on the site -- just an account, and I have NEVER used the site for dating purposes or corresponded with anyone. I don't really know what possessed me to sign on the other night -- and I wasn't looking for him per se -- but there he was.

[sp2007]

you're probably right. but at some point, after all the mistakes, you hope that you've learned a lesson about causing others pain and stop the madness. you can't fix the past, just try to do better the next time.

[MissBee]

you're probably right. but at some point, after all the mistakes, you hope that you've learned a lesson about causing others pain and stop the madness. you can't fix the past, just try to do better the next time.

 

Unfortunately he has not gotten to that point yet.

 

Why was he in therapy, if you don't mind sharing?

 

I think people can and do change and I don't believe "once a cheater, always a cheater". I believe change comes with real actions and one can trace that change and see that integrity. My thing with someone who has had an A or if they were having one with me is to see HOW they are changing and what is their understanding of their former/current behavior and what are they doing differently. I think sometimes we just get caught up in words and our own hopes of change even when this person hasn't really done anything legitimate to show they have changed. Example, a man who is having an A, had an A before, leaves and is with the OW and she believes all will be well now because he loves her and she is different. But in reality....what is different? How did he change or how has he shown he plans to do better? He hasn't...at all often times.

Edited January 12, 2012 by MissBee

[sp2007]

happy to share. my understanding is that he's been going to gain insight into his behavior throughout the course of his life, and to understand why he did what he did while married so that he could prevent it happening in future relationships. the goal was to live a life of honesty -- with himself and with others. in addition to being the death knell of our relationship, i see this as evidence of complete failure of that, especially since he listed himself as "divorced" in his profile, which he's not. they haven't even filed. i guess i just don't understand why he didn't simply tell me that he wasn't ready for serious relationship and that he wanted to date others. what did he have to gain by lying to me? it's not like we were married, or had children/home/property/etc. together. did he just want out and was afraid to tell me? he continues to text me as if nothing is wrong. i haven't told him to stop because honestly? i'm still processing this and i think it's easier for me at the moment to try to distance myself this way. i'm also quite ill because if it. i've had to take something. so, it's the best i can do at the moment. i realize it's not 'textbook' end, but i'll get there. please continue to support me. i'm doing the best i can.

[LadyGrey]

Hi SP, glad to see your post. I'm sure you feel like the wind has been knocked out of you and you are trying to gain your balance again. I'm sorry you are in such pain. Sending you another hug.

 

I hope given some time that you can call him out on his crap and not let him persuade you that it was a one time thing. Obviously the work he has been doing has not worked and if he can't acknowledge that he did do something wrong by being on that dating site, it's another indication that nothing about him has changed. He isn't honest nor has he gained any insight. My guess is that he has a life long history of this. I just hope you don't allow your heart to minimize how bad it is and you can let your head lead you away.

 

Also when you feel up to it, tell us why he hasn't got a divorce after all this time?

 

 

happy to share. my understanding is that he's been going to gain insight into his behavior throughout the course of his life, and to understand why he did what he did while married so that he could prevent it happening in future relationships. the goal was to live a life of honesty -- with himself and with others. in addition to being the death knell of our relationship, i see this as evidence of complete failure of that, especially since he listed himself as "divorced" in his profile, which he's not. they haven't even filed. i guess i just don't understand why he didn't simply tell me that he wasn't ready for serious relationship and that he wanted to date others. what did he have to gain by lying to me? it's not like we were married, or had children/home/property/etc. together. did he just want out and was afraid to tell me? he continues to text me as if nothing is wrong. i haven't told him to stop because honestly? i'm still processing this and i think it's easier for me at the moment to try to distance myself this way. i'm also quite ill because if it. i've had to take something. so, it's the best i can do at the moment. i realize it's not 'textbook' end, but i'll get there. please continue to support me. i'm doing the best i can.