Need support

[sp2007]

thank you for your posts supporting me. they mean a lot. it is hard for me to get through the day. i'll tell you what i know about why he hasn't gotten a divorce yet, but you'll need to decide if the reasons are valid. to recap, he has been separated 3+ years. the first year of that, he spent in therapy with his wife. i tried to step away from the relationship several times during that, but he told me that they weren't in therapy to reconcile but rather to figure out how to move forward as divorced co-parents. after a year, i suggested that perhaps his wife had a different view of the therapy and that if he wasn't going to try to reconcile with her, he needed to be up front with her about that. a few months later, he told me they were proceeding to divorce. that was 2+ years ago. in our state they generally recommend that you agree to a settlement and then file to expedite the process so that was their plan from the beginning. I think the divorce is complicated largely because of finances -- don't want to give TMI, but he owns his own business and has been in trouble financially on and off -- and because he refuses to hire his own attorney, instead letting her attorney try to manage the process. i know people will think this is BS -- and while i'm sure BS is involved -- trust me, i don't for a minute think i got the full truth -- i did see the paperwork as well as several emails from her attorney. of course, he also hugely procrastinated in filling out forms and providing her attorney with information, etc. So, his excuses are somewhat plausible on this, but in my heart i always felt he was reluctant because he was unsure. i suppose that is to be expected -- divorce is hard and people are often confused -- but after 3+ years, it doesn't really matter anymore. he may honestly intend to divorce, and it honestly may just be taking time, but the fact remains, he is still married and has not filed. he is NOT divorced (as his online profile claimed). i think that point bothers me more than the fact that he was dating while we were supposedly exclusive because it just shows that he is avoiding the hard stuff and trying to find an easy way out.

[MissBee]

happy to share. my understanding is that he's been going to gain insight into his behavior throughout the course of his life, and to understand why he did what he did while married so that he could prevent it happening in future relationships. the goal was to live a life of honesty -- with himself and with others. in addition to being the death knell of our relationship, i see this as evidence of complete failure of that, especially since he listed himself as "divorced" in his profile, which he's not. they haven't even filed. i guess i just don't understand why he didn't simply tell me that he wasn't ready for serious relationship and that he wanted to date others. what did he have to gain by lying to me? it's not like we were married, or had children/home/property/etc. together. did he just want out and was afraid to tell me? he continues to text me as if nothing is wrong. i haven't told him to stop because honestly? i'm still processing this and i think it's easier for me at the moment to try to distance myself this way. i'm also quite ill because if it. i've had to take something. so, it's the best i can do at the moment. i realize it's not 'textbook' end, but i'll get there. please continue to support me. i'm doing the best i can.

 

You're doing fine! How you're feeling is normal.

 

He seems like someone who needed to be alone for a while before embarking on a new relationship. Not jump from his marriage, post-A, into a new relationship. He probably cannot be alone and constantly needs women around validating him, so even while with someone he is still looking for others. He still has a FAR way to go obviously and the fact that to this day with his wife he thinks "I only betrayed her" and with you he is acting like all is well....he clearly shirks all responsibility or is oblivious to how his behavior hurts the people he is with.

 

The point about not being married to him, no kids, property etc. works in your favor! It doesn't hurt less to be betrayed but at least you realize he has a problem before you did take it to a more serious level. You are completely free to opt out with little complication....aside from the normal breakup process that is hurtful no matter what. But that pain subsides and I can see you end up thanking your lucky stars that you were lead to that site and saw what you saw when you saw it. I think it is a blessing honestly

Edited January 12, 2012 by MissBee

[Spark1111]

happy to share. my understanding is that he's been going to gain insight into his behavior throughout the course of his life, and to understand why he did what he did while married so that he could prevent it happening in future relationships. the goal was to live a life of honesty -- with himself and with others. in addition to being the death knell of our relationship, i see this as evidence of complete failure of that, especially since he listed himself as "divorced" in his profile, which he's not. they haven't even filed. i guess i just don't understand why he didn't simply tell me that he wasn't ready for serious relationship and that he wanted to date others. what did he have to gain by lying to me? it's not like we were married, or had children/home/property/etc. together. did he just want out and was afraid to tell me? he continues to text me as if nothing is wrong. i haven't told him to stop because honestly? i'm still processing this and i think it's easier for me at the moment to try to distance myself this way. i'm also quite ill because if it. i've had to take something. so, it's the best i can do at the moment. i realize it's not 'textbook' end, but i'll get there. please continue to support me. i'm doing the best i can.

 

Did he cheat before you? Is that what you meant when you posted he went to therapy to understand his behvior during his marriage?

 

I am sorry you are in so much pain. It is understandable to expect exclusivity if that is what you were told to expect in a man claiming to be divorcing and separated long term.

 

I have many single friends who have learned to swear off of dating separated men as they still have too much baggage pre-, during, and after divorce for quite a few years.

 

Plus, no one should ever be the rebound relationship as we all know how often those work out.

 

I would be outraged, in light of all you were led to believe, to find him on a dating site. Unfortunately, among the emotionally immature, that is not all that unusual.

 

Cut him loose. Now that the marriage is probably ending; or, he realizes how easily he deluded his wife (i ASSUME she does not know of you?) he now wants to play the field and ....ahem....date others.

 

This man is not ready for another long-term, committed relationship.

 

Sounds like he intends to play the field for awhile. Wonder if he intended to tell you? Doubtful.

 

Do NOT get talked into being his default choice or fallback girl. Please have yourself tested for STDs. Please be smart here. Is it possible that he may be registered at other sites, and has been for awhile?

 

I know you are in pain here, but you need to be smart also. Gather your evidence, make your decision and, when ready, kick him to the curb.

 

He lied to her (my guess) and she threw him out and is now dragging his feet; he lied to you. Do you think it is possible that there are other OW he is lying too also?

 

I do.

[Spark1111]

PS: What did he gain by lying to you?

 

Your sweet devotion (I just know you didn't date others) and your exclusivity.

 

Your ability to be ready to see him on the drop of a dime.

 

Your continued kindness and caring of all his marital, personal, physical, and financial woes.

 

A woman would not emotionally invest very heavily in a man who was dating around. You boosted his morale and his ego with your unwavering attention and flattery and exclusivity.

 

Cut him loose.

[sp2007]

i've written this reply at least three times and LS keeps crashing when i try to post. trying again...

 

thank you spark. i appreciate your support.

 

yes, he cheated his entire marriage. i knew he was a HUGE risk, but given his commitment to therapy felt that it was worth the gamble.

 

i kind of smiled at your comment about him "not being ready for another long-term, committed relationship." given his history, does he even know what that means?

 

my focus at the moment is on accepting this new reality. i am very, very ill. people have begun to notice.

 

i don't want to be with him -- how could i? even a person with zero self-esteem couldn't possibly put up with this. so i'm left trying to figure out why this is so painful for me.

 

this morning i had a flash of real anger about it. it was pretty overwhelming.

[LadyGrey]

SP, I'm sorry you are having such a rough time but I so hope you can stay strong and not let him back in your life. He did it to his wife and now you and probably any other woman that has been close to him. He is truly twisted and broken. Don't ever think you can fix him or help him. You can't.

 

from Dr. Susan Forward:

 

"Love doesn't betray and deceive. Love doesn't make you feel stupid and enraged and tricked. Without loving behavior, love becomes an empty word used far too often by men who lie to assuage their partner's anger or suspicions.

 

"Love is a verb, not a noun. Love is not just feelings of passion and romance. It is behavior. If a man lies to you, he is behaving badly and unlovingly toward you. He is disrespecting you and your relationship. The words 'I love you' are not enough to make up for that. Don't kid yourself that they are."

[sp2007]

thank you for your continuing support. it means a lot. i am so, so sick right now. at times it is hard to get thru the next minute. i've lost several pounds in just a few days. the medication is helping somewhat.

 

i realize it is over. i have accepted the reality of the situation. i've decided to just be done. there's no need for further conversation, no need for heartfelt letters, no need for understanding in the name of love.

 

i've decided to just move on. i've told him that and don't think anything more is required. i have things in my own life that i need to straighten out and i'm going to concentrate on fixing those and doing things for me.

 

i am sleeping a lot. i guess that's all for now.

[LilMissMovinOn]

i've written this reply at least three times and LS keeps crashing when i try to post. trying again...

 

thank you spark. i appreciate your support.

 

yes, he cheated his entire marriage. i knew he was a HUGE risk, but given his commitment to therapy felt that it was worth the gamble.

 

i kind of smiled at your comment about him "not being ready for another long-term, committed relationship." given his history, does he even know what that means?

 

my focus at the moment is on accepting this new reality. i am very, very ill. people have begun to notice.

 

i don't want to be with him -- how could i? even a person with zero self-esteem couldn't possibly put up with this. so i'm left trying to figure out why this is so painful for me.

 

this morning i had a flash of real anger about it. it was pretty overwhelming.

 

His committment to therapy w his W was b.cuz he was not finished w his M, rather than b.cuz of anything to do u w u sp2007.

 

U note he was unfaithful 4 the entire M. I'm not sure if u r implying here w diff OW? In any event this clue suggests he suffers frm some sort of sex addiction issues. I would not b surprised to hear tht he was not faithful to u either in the 3 yrs post sep frm his W. This wud fit the M.O for sum1 w such issues.

 

Yr situation is painful b.cuz u have been betrayed. More to the point to ask yrself what made u vulnerable to getting into this sitch in the 1st place & what factors contributed to u putting up w it for so long. Wen u hav answers to these Q's (& the answrs will b diff 4 every1), you will hav the keys as to where to begin yr healing journey.

 

Finally, I'd encourage u to embrace & get in touch w yr anger. Anger is a powerful emotion which can b used to affect positive changes in our lives, if we can 'hear' it's message & act accordingly. Yr anger is telling u something VERY important about yrself. Please listen it.

 

Good luck!