chelsea's coping log

[chelsea2011]

Wanted to start a new coping thread to update my progress. Here' the link to my last thread if you want some of my back story:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t311937/

 

I was going to update last night, but I needed to process what I started to discover and decided to sleep on it first. Passed out is more like it!

 

Well, whew...it's been a h*ll of a month. I'm exhausted! The truth is, I've been in a major "funk" for the past month and a half and I finally felt like I was coming out of it for the first time last night. I actually went grocery for myself and I haven't done that in weeks! I cooked for myself tonight...It's been a month since I've done that too! I don't even want to talk about the take-out containers I cleaned out of the fridge...it seemed endless!

 

Anyway, I'm happy to report that I'm no longer focused on the past and what did or did not happen. Feels nice. I'm owning my sh*t! I walked through the past couple of years in therapy last night, with clarity, and I woke up this morning owning what I did to set the whole thing in motion. If I were someone else, I wouldn't want a relationship with me either. I was carrying so much shame that there was no way I could have been a good partner to anyone. I see how the shame prevented me from allowing him near because I felt I wasn't deserving. Oy!

 

Now that is out of the way, I'm wondering where do I go from here? I'm also realizing that my feelings for him have not changed. I find that amazing...after all this time they are still there. I'm not sure what I should do. I'm committed to processing it all though because the answers keep coming. That's a good thing!

 

I do feel sad after seeing the reality and sincerely regret the mistakes I made back then. but, like my therapist said last night..."I'm human." :*(**

 

So that's where I'm at right now.

Edited January 11, 2012 by chelsea2011

[geegirl]

Now that is out of the way, I'm wondering where do I go from here? I'm also realizing that my feelings for him have not changed. I find that amazing...after all this time they are still there. I'm not sure what I should do. I'm committed to processing it all though because the answers keep coming. That's a good thing!

 

I do feel sad after seeing the reality and sincerely regret the mistakes I made back then. but, like my therapist said last night..."I'm human." :*(**

 

So that's where I'm at right now.

 

I don't think you can plan where to go. Keep taking one day at a time. It's a slow gradual process when trying to emerge from a break up. I remember after my break up, I didn't eat for days. Then one day I woke up and I was hungry. I didn't bathe for days. One day I woke up and washed my hair (that was the hardest!). Two weeks later I wanted to cook. First few weeks at therapy all I did was cry. After several weeks, one day out of the blue I was making my therapist laugh. And I still remember her saying, "You're laughing Gee." And I smiled. Just a gradual shift and change that takes one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

 

While you're working at therapy, maybe try to focus on passions that you left by the wayside. If you were consumed by the R, you probably lost yourself. Start focusing on reinventing yourself by developing your passions and what makes Chelsea...well, Chelsea! You were left with a void. Now it's time to fill that void with all that makes you, you.

 

You're doing great. It's a huge step when you begin to find introspection. I believe your feelings for your ex will linger for quite some time. It's not an indication that you're stuck or not progressing but it's just the dynamics of your emotional attachment to him. It won't always be this way. You will slowly break away from your feelings. While you may never forget, the intensity will at some point in time turn to indifference. Time, time, time but most importantly, it is what you do with that time.

 

It's normal to regret and be hard on yourself for those mistakes. But I always believe that from hurt and pain comes growth. From mistakes and regret comes self awareness. It wasn't all in vain. You will learn and grow from this.

[chelsea2011]

Bad day yesterday. I forgot about the epiphany after effect. You know...the emotions, associated with the whole experience, that come surging to the surface with a vengence? Ugh!!! Feeling so raw right now. The insecurities, lack of trust - oy. ALL of it - it's all right there on the surface eating me up big time. Blecch, it's nauseating. If he came to me right now and said he needs to learn to trust me - I would slap him! (Figuratively of course - I'm not a violent person by any means)

 

I'm not thinking about his actions, just dealing with the feelings I supressed for a long time. I'm wondering. Is it a good time to try and deal with this or should I wait until I am not feeling so vulnerable? It's making it hard to see the truth when I'm feeling this way. I know one thing, I need to stay away from things that "trigger" me right now.

 

On a good note, even though my emotions are raw right now, I'm not making impulsive decisions because of them. I'm waiting for them to calm down before I make any decisions about what I should do. I don't have the ability to trust any action I take, so I'm not taking any. What's the saying? "When you aren't sure what to do - do nothing."

 

That be my dillio at the moment.

Edited January 12, 2012 by chelsea2011

[geegirl]

Bad day yesterday. I forgot about the epiphany after effect. You know...the emotions, associated with the whole experience, that come surging to the surface with a vengence? Ugh!!! Feeling so raw right now. The insecurities, lack of trust - oy. ALL of it - it's all right there on the surface eating me up big time. Blecch, it's nauseating. If he came to me right now and said he needs to learn to trust me - I would slap him! (Figuratively of course - I'm not a violent person by any means)

 

I'm not thinking about his actions, just dealing with the feelings I supressed for a long time. I'm wondering. Is it a good time to try and deal with this or should I wait until I am not feeling so vulnerable? It's making it hard to see the truth when I'm feeling this way. I know one thing, I need to stay away from things that "trigger" me right now.

 

On a good note, even though my emotions are raw right now, I'm not making impulsive decisions because of them. I'm waiting for them to calm down before I make any decisions about what I should do. I don't have the ability to trust any action I take, so I'm not taking any. What's the saying? "When you aren't sure what to do - do nothing."

 

That be my dillio at the moment.

 

I know exactly what you mean. Those feelings that come in waves. One moment I was going, "Thank god I dodged that bullet. Things are so great and life is so much better without him." Soon after, "Waaaah, I want to die. I'll never find love like that again." A multitude of emotions just coursing through you. It's so normal to go through these stages and all needed to take you to healing.

 

I don't know if there was a set moment for me to deal with whatever was festering inside me. It was more of a dealing as it came to me. Granted in the beginning I was all over the place but as time passed on, and as you slowly regain mental clarity, you begin to piece things together. In the beginning I was focusing solely on his actions but as I realized that I was losing control with that battle, I turned it inward and started dealing with my feelings and my actions. It's a process. Deal with what is being presented to you. There is no plan in the grieving process.

 

Therapy was a huge help for me in reframing my thoughts and feelings. It's almost as if she helped me organize and compartmentalize the muddle in my head. That helped me think rather than feel as I began to sort things through.

 

Staying away from triggers are good. Some people after a breakup, listen to songs that remind them of their ex, go back and read letters, etc., something I found counter productive. Stay away from reminders because that takes the focus away from you and what you should be working on .

 

Chelsea, you are really doing great. I never had this much clarity and sense when I was going through my break up. Knowing that you can't trust your judgement and that you cannot act on impulse is half the battle won when going through this process.

 

You sound rational and holding much self-control. The bad days will come and so will the good. It will all come in waves. Just don't react when it hits you because it will pass. It always does. And in time the bad will be few and far between. It's a difficult journey but the rewards are so well worth it.

Edited January 12, 2012 by geegirl

[chelsea2011]

Thank you geegirl! You know what? It's been a few hours since I posted that and I'm feeling a little better. Putting the thoughts out there in cyber space and receiving support really helps. But, I know not to get too excited; I just need to relax and savor the moment...lol. Who knows what feelings are around the corner.

 

Thanks again!

[geegirl]

Sure thing! Keep posting and stay strong!

[chelsea2011]

Communicated today and guess what? We fought...haha.

 

He called me out on something and this is what I told him:

 

"ALRIGHT, that was a STUPID move! I admit it. Put yourself in my shoes for a minute and see what it feels like on this end. We ARE on the same page, but I still don't fully trust what's going on here and for GOOD reason and I'm pretty certain you know it. I end up feeling like I'm crazy for even participating. And to be honest, I running thin on patience right now having to deal with things this way. It's incredibly annoying sometimes!

 

I AM feeling insecure right now because I DON'T want to end up looking like a fool for believing this stuff. SO QUIT SENDING THOSE OLD PICTURES. It's not funny! Knock it off. Besides, I thought it was you and another one of your silly tests. Maybe it was a defensive move, but my trust level was zero last night. I was having serious doubts whether this was true or not. That picture was scary and I wasn't about to say I was all in after seeing it. Would you? So go ahead and shoot me for regressing and jumping into defensive mode. I "see" your point and you're right. Hey, at least I didn't lead on; I blew it off.

 

Let's also be real here. I've given you A LOT of passes and I deserve one on this. You need to set the record straight over there because you KNOW I'm not doing anything and do not intend on doing anything either.

 

Now that my vent is over, thank you for recognizing my efforts, defending me and for being patient. I DO appreciate it! And most importantly, I'm sorry for screwing up, it won't happen again."

 

Hey, at least we're fighting...haha. Not looking advice. Just venting.

Edited January 12, 2012 by chelsea2011

[chelsea2011]

Just putting some thoughts down here before I address the issue directly. It helps! Pay no mind because it might not make sense...lol.

 

I ended up in drama again (my own doing) and I stirred up a hornets nest. So I'm going to confront the issue and answer the questions or should I say accusations? I know accusation is a negative term, but it fits since I sparked off the tone by looking for the stupid clown. Yeah, I know. I was feeling insecure and focused on the negative. I figured that out on my own WITHOUT direction like some seem to think. With that said, here are the answers:

 

1. No, I'm not being directed by anyone

2. No, I didn't go onto an online dating site and I didn't go looking for ANYONE

3. That came to me - I didn't go looking for it, and I DID NOT send any pictures NOR did I plan to. ABSOLUTELY NOT! So stop that right now!

4. No, I'm not looking to keep my options open

5. And MOST importantly, I didn't get caught doing anything because I thought it was YOU! I wasn't hiding anything.

 

I am only answering these questions because I set this off. I went looking for the negative and got hurt. Lesson learned. This is ALL I'm going to say about this subject - it is now CLOSED.

 

I'm leaving the past in the past now because it's not what I want to focus on anymore. I've been completely honest with you about everything and I expect the same from you.

 

That's all for now. I'm fried...good night.

[reimeivn]

Hi girl,

 

About feeling the same about him, I have few words for you.

 

I think the human heart is incredible in the way that once you truly love, you do not forget how much you love somebody. I think the feelings will be there fore a long time, and only if he changes to a completely different person that the feelings for him will die down. But, you always will have a place for that one person you fell in love with in your heart. It make your heart richer and fonder.

 

It doesnt mean that you will not find somebody else and fall in love with him though. I think you will love him even more because, see you know how to truly love somebody. A lot of times in life we cant be with that person we fall in love with forever. I think such is a part of life.

 

I hope you well and hope that one day you will feel very proud of yourself for loving the way you did. Somebody else deserve that and he will feel very glad he can be with such a person like you.

[reimeivn]

Hi girl,

 

About feeling the same about him, I have few words for you.

 

I think the human heart is incredible in the way that once you truly love, you do not forget how much you love somebody. I think the feelings will be there fore a long time, and only if he changes to a completely different person that the feelings for him will die down. But, you always will have a place for that one person you fell in love with in your heart. It make your heart richer and fonder.

 

It doesnt mean that you will not find somebody else and fall in love with him though. I think you will love him even more because, see you know how to truly love somebody. A lot of times in life we cant be with that person we fall in love with forever. I think such is a part of life.

 

I hope you well and hope that one day you will feel very proud of yourself for loving the way you did. Somebody else deserve that and he will feel very glad he can be with such a person like you.

[Guitarjeff]

well I don't know if you are the Chelsea i wrote this song for, but here is one for you. Hope it makes you feel better.

 

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11360891

 

Jeff

[chelsea2011]

We're back in contact and I have some concerns I would like to discuss. Will post them later.

[chelsea2011]

Quick update. Wow, had an opportunity to talk with him and the initials concerns I had earlier, have greatly diminished. I must say, I'm very impressed. I was very nervous at first, however it was not a big deal and I can see that it will go away in time as we get to know one another better. It was just "regular" nervousness and not the fear based kind (that actually was not caused by him) that I used to feel a long time ago. That's nice!

 

Will post more later.

[chelsea2011]

I planned to upate last night, but I passed out watching my new favorite show. Anyone watching "Grim"? I love it...great show! I think so anyway.

 

First, I hope it's okay to post this update here. If people feel uncomfortable I can start a thread in a different section, which I will do soon anyway.

 

I'm happy to report that things are going well so far. We both are giving each other room to take a step closer. That feels really nice. It also feels like things are on an even playing ground for the first time in a loooong time. If we take it one step at a time without pressuring one another, I think we will eliminate the residual trust issues we have. I can see us working through that and getting rid of them once and for all. That feels good too! I am getting a clear idea of what he needs from me to help him trust me and I want to continue learning more, so I can provide the support he needs. I'm getting a strong sense that he knows what I need too.

 

I will go into all of that after I address a few issues first.

 

A few issues were raised by one of his friends and I would like to address them and hopefully it will put things at ease. I want to point out that I'm not angry about what I heard; she's a concerned friend and I respect that completely. After all, I have a very loving and supportive family, so he will be scrutinized too...lol. But, it's because they care and want the best for both of us; I see that as a good thing.

 

His friend was afraid that I have certain tendancies and I can assure him (and her) that I don't at all. I admit that I used to be passive aggressive on occasion, but I worked through all of that in therapy. I won't go into all of the details of the psychology behind me because I am SURE he has had more than his fill of that! But, I will say this; I grew up in a household where certain feelings, like anger, were minimized, so I learned to stuff them instead. I worked through the why and how in therapy and learned to express my anger appropriately. It has had a great impact on my life. My career is blossoming and I have become comfortable expressing myself without fear of reprecussion. As a result I am able just be myself and people respect me now. I am also VERY self aware and when I'm feeling out of sorts, I take time out to regain my perspective before I address an emotionally charged issue. My interest is to discuss it and work to resolve it, instead of shutting down and being impulsive.

 

As far as the other issue goes, NOT at all. The person I am at work, in social situations is the same one I am at home with my family and friends. I'm not one of those people who is nice to outsiders and a angry monster at home. No way! If I told my family and friends that, they would be like, "What?! No way!" Then they would roll over laughing that someone could even think that. Don't get me wrong; I'm not being insulting. I'm just standing up for myself and clearing up a perception that is simply not true. Not true at all. I hope she understands that and if she got to know me, she would be able to see that for herself. But, I also understand that she doesn't know me and she is just looking out for her friend.

 

In looking at the big picture, I'm sure she knows our relationship has existed under the MOST difficult of circumstances and there was bound to be misunderstandings before reconnecting could begin. Right? I think we have cleared the biggest ones.

 

Moving on, I would like to list some needs I have and address some of the needs he mentioned. In order for me to feel comfortable, I need to see consistency both in our blogging discussions and in person. I see a strong effort on his part to blend the two. I REALLY appreciate that more than he probably knows! It gives me the room I need to step closer and begin to let him in. I'm not 100% yet, but my trust issues are beginning to subside and I'm feeling more comfortable meeting him with the same effort on my part. It feels really nice to work on building a strong firm foundation. It will take time to get there, but I see us taking significant steps in that direction.

 

He mentioned a few things too. I want to let him know that I am definitely on the same page now and I want to dedicate myself to working on our issues and resolve them. I am happy to be exclusive and I will do whatever it takes to show him that I'm seriously committed to this. I will address any questions or issues that may come up as we move forward. In fact, I'm delighted to. I want him to feel comfortable and safe as we continue to get to know one another. I've filled him in on where I am regarding solving my personal stuff that he knows has been a thorn in my side since we met. It is all finally taking shape. And when the time is right, I am willing to discuss next steps. I'm not holding anything off; I'm just taking it one step at a time and dedicating myself to resolving our problems to ensure we have solid ground to stand on. I see that he is doing the same and I'm really happy for the first time in a long time with where this is going.

 

Lastly, I would like to SINCERELY apologize for that misunderstanding the other day. I have no excuse other than all of the feelings and hurt from our past were brought to the surface after the epiphany I had. I was feeling really insecure about us, which was normal I tink at that particular moment, but my reaction was not. I shouldn't have made him feel insecure and for that I am TRULY sorry. I can guarantee that it will NEVER happen again. If I'm feeling insecure or out of sorts, I will let him know right away, so he knows where my head is at and that I won't cut and run. I've come along way since we've first met (he has too ) and I'm actually very excited about committing myself to working on us and hashing it all out.

 

Thats all I have for now. Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

 

PS - I just wanted to add that while I was feeling insecure this past week, I am in no way a clingy or needy person. For the first time in my life, I am excited about being able to explore my interest and developing new hobbies! In a healthy way. I would want him to do the same and I would encourage and support it 100%.

 

On a side note, I like how he calls his friends "buddies"...that's sooo cute!

 

TTYL.