DirtyDancing Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 If her behavior is markedly different from what it used to be (meaning kissing and touching), honestly, your intuition may be telling you something. It may be that she's fallen out of love with you. For women, at least in my experience, when my ex used to touch me and lean in to kiss me at the end of our relationship, I'd pull away and actually feel repulsed by his affections. In fact, one of our friends even noticed it once it was so hard to conceal. It was subconscious of course, but it does show through. At the end of our relationship, my ex would complain that I used to be so affectionate and the sex was so regular and great, but it was like pulling teeth to get me to show him affection anymore. I realized I wasn't in love with him anymore. They say that when there's problems in the sexual arena, it is a key indication of problems in the relationship. Maybe she's 'lost that lovin' feeling', (that's my immediate reaction to your story) but I don't know her affection level in the past with you. For me personally, if I'm in love with a man, I want to touch and kiss him, and I want him to do the same. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Ack this would be a dealbreaker. Especially if she can't be honest and open enough to tell you what the deal actually is. I mean, bottom line is, are you gonna be happy if this is IT. If this is how your relationship will STILL be down the line? I would honestly sit her down, no jokey stuff-- a real conversation that this truly bothers you and that you won't be happy longterm (therefore it's not gonna make it much longer!) if this is how it is gonna be. If she still clams up and won't discuss it, then you have a final decision to make, can you live HAPPILY with this or not? Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 (edited) To women it would remove the whole purpose of kissing if she had to initiate it. Women want to feel desired, if she had to initiate the kiss she would not feel desired. It goes both ways endor. Men want the same. 'She was very reluctant to talk about it and all she finally said was that she doesn't know why she does it'. + 'she pulls her head back and sort of frowns at me like a baby who's being spoon fed something he doesn't want to eat'. This would piss me off. This woman is in her mid 20s and not some coy teenager. From my experience also, I say she's not into you. If she's like this with affection, I bet you she's not proactive in bed either. You could try to back off on the affection and make her work for it too, but I'd bet money it wont work. I guess it depends what aspects matter the most for your relationships, but if this bugs you to the extent to post about it on the www, I say its time to consider a new gf. Edited January 13, 2012 by ascendotum Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Yep, she lost interest in you, and she is holding onto you until she finds someone better. Like another poster said, you need to distance yourself emotionally before she eventually drops the bomb. Dont wait until she finds someone to replace you with. When her words dont match her actions, thats how youre in trouble. Theres too many people on this board that wonder why their ex gets into another relationship right away, this is why. She is also bullshytting you. She knows why she is pulling away, she is trying to create distance, and passively trying to sabotage this relationship, maybe trying to get you to break it off. Thats if you dont have bad breath. So if this is the case, she wont tell you whats wrong, But since she lost interest in you, you might as well keep asking her until she admits it. Worst part is, you dont know what you did to turn her off. Tell her straight up that you feel her distance, that she doesnt do what she used to do, that her words dont match her actions, and she needs to fess up. Link to post Share on other sites
DirtyDancing Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 Yep, she lost interest in you, and she is holding onto you until she finds someone better. Like another poster said, you need to distance yourself emotionally before she eventually drops the bomb. Dont wait until she finds someone to replace you with. When her words dont match her actions, thats how youre in trouble. Theres too many people on this board that wonder why their ex gets into another relationship right away, this is why. She is also bullshytting you. She knows why she is pulling away, she is trying to create distance, and passively trying to sabotage this relationship, maybe trying to get you to break it off. Thats if you dont have bad breath. So if this is the case, she wont tell you whats wrong, But since she lost interest in you, you might as well keep asking her until she admits it. Worst part is, you dont know what you did to turn her off. Tell her straight up that you feel her distance, that she doesnt do what she used to do, that her words dont match her actions, and she needs to fess up. I wholeheartedly agree with this. I did this to my ex because I didn't have the balls to leave him... by creating distance and I was hoping he would leave me first. Eventually, I decided I had to be the one to step up and end it. It's cowardly and weak, but it does happen. When you do confront her with this, (which you have to), I would suggest that you be prepared for her to brush it off or downplay it. But letting her know that you aren't happy with this behavior will certainly get the wheels turning for her and then she will be more likely to talk about it. Link to post Share on other sites
joystickd Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 She probably has someone else. Its common behavior for a woman to not end a relationship but to distance herself so the man will end it. The woman doesn't want to look like the bad guy but logically doing something like that is manipulative. So end it with her and find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kaplan Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 It's so weird to me that she's acting like this. I don't understand why if she has a problem with me she won't just admit it. At this point, we haven't kissed or hugged for half a week. I kissed her on the cheek last night and she said, "don't kiss me" so I asked her "what's wrong?" and she said "nothing" and I said, "why don't you want me to touch you?" and she got mad at me and said it pissed her off that I kept asking that. And I said "I think I deserve an explanation" and she said there's nothing to explain and something about "I never said I don't want you to touch me ever." Very confusing for me. I mean, it's not like I got upset about it, I just asked for an explanation. I really feel like there's something wrong here. She sleeps on the couch most nights when she stays at my place. She says it's because my bed is small, but she used to sleep well in my bed, and she has said that she hates sleeping alone. When she does sleep with me if she touches me in her sleep she sort of recoils from me. It might not be me, I guess. She doesn't like to be touched when she's sick; maybe she's depressed or something and it's the same way. She hasn't smiled in a while and doesn't do her make-up and stuff so I'm worried about her. I'm going to have to confront her about it and just demand some kind of explanation, I guess. Part of me is thinking that she obviously doesn't love me. But I love her so much and all I want is to be with her, and take care of her, and make her happy for the rest of my life. And she tells me she feels the same way and wants the same things. We're planning on getting married. Why would she say she wants to marry me if she doesn't love me? I don't know; maybe she wants to settle down so badly that she would marry a guy she didn't love. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I really feel like there's something wrong here. She sleeps on the couch most nights when she stays at my place. She says it's because my bed is small, but she used to sleep well in my bed, and she has said that she hates sleeping alone. When she does sleep with me if she touches me in her sleep she sort of recoils from me. It might not be me, I guess. She doesn't like to be touched when she's sick; maybe she's depressed or something and it's the same way. She hasn't smiled in a while and doesn't do her make-up and stuff so I'm worried about her. I'm going to have to confront her about it and just demand some kind of explanation, I guess. Part of me is thinking that she obviously doesn't love me. But I love her so much and all I want is to be with her, and take care of her, and make her happy for the rest of my life. And she tells me she feels the same way and wants the same things. We're planning on getting married. Why would she say she wants to marry me if she doesn't love me? I don't know; maybe she wants to settle down so badly that she would marry a guy she didn't love. The two of you have known each other for a long time so maybe she thinks you would make a good father or something. Maybe she is trying to be sensible when picking a mate long term rather than use her heart. A lot of women are like this. It sounds like she has huge issues with intimacy. I don't know whether that's a general intimacy issue or just with you. Maybe someone hurt her in the past, maybe she just doesn't fancy you, sorry. The fact that she doesn't even want to talk to you about it is a really bad sign. It doesn't sound like the two of you are compatible, if you stay together you will struggle as a couple. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Why would she say she wants to marry me if she doesn't love me? Scary version? She's letting you love her. "She sleeps on the couch most nights when she stays at my place" "When she does sleep with me if she touches me in her sleep she sort of recoils from me." It sounds to me like the posters suggesting purposeful distancing as a passive method to end the relationship are likely correct. Her 'want' to be married is not matching up with her 'attraction' to you. There can be a lot of 'reasons' for this, but the central issue is you're not feeling desired or loved here. My sympathies. Better such issues happen now than after you're married, trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kaplan Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 It's just so ridiculous to me. If she doesn't love me than she should just dump me and let me start to try to get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Presuming your actions reflect these words: "I love her so much and all I want is to be with her, and take care of her, and make her happy for the rest of my life." And presuming 'scary version', she loves that you love her that way. That's different from loving you, Kaplan, the person. TBH, unless she's a brutally honest person, you'll likely never know for sure, regardless of her psychology or motivations. It's possible she doesn't know or can't put the feelings/thoughts into clear words. You can love someone and be in an unhealthy relationship. Is that irreconcilable? No. To reconcile it where both parties feel satisfied and fulfilled takes effort and understanding from both parties. Question: Does she validate your feelings when you share them? Example (not advice): 'When you pull away from me when I move to kiss you, I feel rejected' Answer? Link to post Share on other sites
Lobouspo Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Why not tell her that unless she changes or talks about why she is behaving this way, than its best that you guys separate so she can figure out what she wants. I feel for you man, been through something similar myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 It's just so ridiculous to me. If she doesn't love me than she should just dump me and let me start to try to get over it. Maybe she is scared of being alone Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kaplan Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 I'll try to extract a better answer from her about it at some point. My ultimate fear is that she doesn't really love me but knows that I'm a great guy and that I love her so much and she's just choosing to be in love with me. I don't know though, maybe I'm just worrying needlessly. I tend to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Michael30 Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Yup she has someone else on her plate. Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Ack this would be a dealbreaker. Especially if she can't be honest and open enough to tell you what the deal actually is. Agree. There are many possible legitimate reasons for her not wanting to kiss, there are lots of people out there who just don't like kissing that much. Being an adult woman and not being able or even trying to articulate her reasons is very childish and disrespectful though. Dump time. Link to post Share on other sites
Jessica45 Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Does she avoid touching other people? Does she hug her family or casually touch other people? Is she afraid of catching something like the cold or flu? Some people have a phobia about germs and are embarassed to admit it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kaplan Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 Does she avoid touching other people? Does she hug her family or casually touch other people? Is she afraid of catching something like the cold or flu? Some people have a phobia about germs and are embarassed to admit it. It's not a germ-phobia thing. She touches her family, but they don't try to kiss her on the lips, so it's different. Link to post Share on other sites
DirtyDancing Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I truly do emphasize with your situation. Sleeping on the couch and not touching you, or recoiling from your touch... sounds all too familiar. In my personal experience, these are clear signs that she is having doubts about the relationship, and/or may be interested in someone else, and/or isn't in love with you anymore. This happened TO me with my first long term boyfriend. He started pulling away from me, sleeping on the couch, and the affection dwindled. As it turns out, he was interested in someone else and was planning on dating her once we broke up, and he did. And I was also the one distancing myself in my last long term relationship... I started having feelings for someone else (not my boyfriend) and I wasn't in love with him anymore... so I didn't want to touch him or be touched by him. I also once thought we would get married... and it was very difficult for me to confront the reality of my failed relationship, so I didn't want to just walk away so easily although I knew in my heart it was over. I'm not saying this is true for your situation, but as a person who has been there on both ends, it's an educated guess as to what's going on with your girl. It's predictable that she be upset when you confront her with it. As hard as it may be, I would suggest that you tell her that you can notice the distance and that it concerns you, and until she's willing to talk about it, you need to keep YOUR distance. (meaning don't live together if you do, create some real space between the two of you.) I wish you the best... I've been there and I'm sorry you're going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kaplan Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 She acted differently yesterday. When she woke up she came up to my desk where I was working, really smiled at me for the first time in a week, and hugged me for quite a while. Then she really talked to me for the first time in almost a week, and she said that she had been in a bad mood the last few days but didn't know why. She mentioned that her cramps that her new birth control caused haven't gone away. Perhaps this whole problem is just caused by birth control? Regardless, I think my girl has some serious communication issues. Anyway, she was back to normal pretty much yesterday, but I figured out something really funny: I no longer feel comfortable touching her. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Perhaps this whole problem is just caused by birth control? Here, turn 'perhaps' into this: 'I'm sorry you've been having cramps and happy that you're feeling better. I've been sensing distance and that you are pulling away from my touches and kisses and this distresses me. I'd like to talk about that' At some point, someone has to communicate. Waiting around for a 'perfect moment' is generally one which will never come. Assuming things and reading minds is notoriously inaccurate and prone to misunderstanding. Get it out there and work it. You're a team. Both of you are entitled to feeling positively about this relationship. Do your part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kaplan Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 Yeah, I definitely need to bring this up again. It just sucks because this type of communication is always so one-sided. She just doesn't like to talk about problems. Link to post Share on other sites
GildedLily Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 She acted differently yesterday. When she woke up she came up to my desk where I was working, really smiled at me for the first time in a week, and hugged me for quite a while. Then she really talked to me for the first time in almost a week, and she said that she had been in a bad mood the last few days but didn't know why. She mentioned that her cramps that her new birth control caused haven't gone away. Perhaps this whole problem is just caused by birth control? Regardless, I think my girl has some serious communication issues. Anyway, she was back to normal pretty much yesterday, but I figured out something really funny: I no longer feel comfortable touching her. ^^^ this is because you are consciously/ unconsciously angry with her over her withholding affection from you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kaplan Posted January 20, 2012 Author Share Posted January 20, 2012 ^^^ this is because you are consciously/ unconsciously angry with her over her withholding affection from you. That's stupid. I've just been conditioned to think that my affection isn't welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Oxy Moronovich Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 That's stupid. I've just been conditioned to think that my affection isn't welcome. Who conditioned you to think your affection isn't welcome? Certainly not the people online. Online people on this board cannot condition you to think anything. If she recoils from your touch then your affection isn't welcome. I don't trust the "I had cramps and don't know why they made me disgusted by the touch of you" excuse. Here's a possibility: she met a guy, she grew distant to you as she got closer to him, he rejected you, and now she's nice to you again. Have you considered this? Link to post Share on other sites
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