reimeivn Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 As people said, it takes half the time you being with somebody to get over them, I think I should be over my ex in a month. We dated for the first two years of my college life. He was my first boyfriend and first pretty much everything else. I did love him a lot, but he treated me poorly. He was quite abusive. And he had quite a bit of issues, such a being very angry and wanting to hurt people easily, as he once told me. However, being with him made me feel bad about myself. I thought I have issues. I still feel that it was my fault he left me. I could not get along with a group of friends he had, unfortunately, he kept being friends with more and more of them. He punished me before by withdrawing affections toward me and let me sit alone in the corner of the room a lot. He wouldnt talk to me, and did not even let me look at him. Sometime he would tell me that I am disgusting, and sometimes he would just push me away. So I let him break up with me as soon as his friend told me about the lies he said. He did all he wanted, and he hurt me the best way he could. I let him go. I did not contact him. The worse things he did, I managed to forget, but the little things like I shared up there, still here somehow. I find myself waking up in the morning sometimes crying because he was yelling at me sitting on the floor in the dream, and it felt as if it just happened again. My heart raced and I feel unloved somehow. I managed to rebuild what is around me, and I now have some great friends. I understand that they love and support me more than he ever did, and I should feel happy. But I do not all the times. I feel jealous of people thinking he is a great person and being friends with him and I cant have any of them. I feel jealous that he might be with somebody and that she is better than me, and that he is a better person now. Just like how I grew into a much better person in the last few months. I am amazed at how a breakup made me into this person with a big heart, and who cares deeply to say the right things and to lift people up when they are going through difficulties. Sometimes I feel as if I have wings. I also amazed at how much I could do without him. However, I feel lonely and hopeless. Sometimes people give me strange looks since I am Asian, and it makes me wonder if they see me as different specie? If they do, then the ex might be the only guy who loved me enough to be with me. Even though he was bad when he was with me. I guess thats about all the things that are in my head, and also, it is wonderful to have a chance to share my feelings here with people that take time to read and care about me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reimeivn Posted January 11, 2012 Author Share Posted January 11, 2012 Oh I worry that I am not normal because I should be over the guy by now right? I should be dating and talking to guys. But all I did was just trying to take care of myself and grow up a little bit before that. Maybe I have been doing that for too long. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 There is no set amount of time to be healed. You're being too hard on yourself. Everyone is different. If you're choosing to take care of yourself and grow up before you put yourself back out there, frankly I think that's awesome. Running out and dating before you're ready is just hiding from your real emotions. I'm choosing to do the same thing pretty much. I'm really lonely and I just browse around dating websites to remind myself that other people are out there, and I know if I could have someone to give me affection it would be like the world's best painkiller and distraction from all my problems, but that won't really get me anywhere. I have so much crap in my life that I need to straighten out, and it that means I sit here alone for the next couple months figuring myself out, reading books on Saturday nights, and healing from this huge mess I've been involved in, then so be it. If there are things you would like to change or improve about yourself, or just need to finish healing, look at it this way, it has to happen eventually. So you can tough it out and deal with it now, and then go back out into the dating world as a happy radiant person, or you can try to force yourself to date now, and some day in the future these old wounds will start calling for your attention again, and you'll have to set everything aside and deal with them finally. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Everyone heals at their own rate. As long as you are progressing it doesn't matter how long it takes you. I've seen people be truly healed from a long relationship in less than a month, read many here of people healing years after a month long relationship. It just depends on who you are and how you heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Rorschach64 Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Reim, What makes you think you are unlovable? I know you mentioned before an issue with how you viewed yourself on the attraction level, is that still an issue and if so why do you think that? Same as everyone said...it takes time to heal and everyone/situation is unique by that accord. I think something that is hindering you from healing is that jealously and resent. I cannot tell you how to let go of that but it is something you have to develop through self esteem/self worth then to forgive (to a degree), if I had to guess at all. P.S. I know that feeling of being the odd one out....went to a country where there were only 3 white people...then to top it, wearing a uniform State side always get the stares. It's just a natural thing humans do. P.S. Part 2 I hope you are doing well in school! Link to post Share on other sites
Author reimeivn Posted January 12, 2012 Author Share Posted January 12, 2012 School was good. I called the ex today. After somebody got back to me about how people from my own country in my school dont want to hang out with me because of my ex. and how i didnt let him have friends. It was not a smart idea. Talking to him didnt solve much of a problems. I realize that he cant give me any more closure than he did the first time we talked. And he is very dumb. I grew up way too quickly afterward in comparison to him. I worry that I still like the guy though. WE always do right, thats why we keep NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reimeivn Posted January 12, 2012 Author Share Posted January 12, 2012 I am jealous. I do not hate him and do not have any strong feelings today when I talked but I do resent him because of what he put me through. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Yeah time will heal you. Give it that month! Link to post Share on other sites
TheJiltedGeneration Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 dont be hard on yourself, reimeivn, healing time is not a set thing (unfortunately) and even while attempting to heal, thoughts are bound to linger once in a while. I am over the 6 month mark for healing and I am still no where near getting over her.. It will happen naturally but just focus on moving forward... you'll get there Link to post Share on other sites
Rorschach64 Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Well I am glad school is going well for you, I just started the semester myself and all I can say is UGH . You saw any given reason to contact him, I know this because I did the same with my ex-fiancee, and you did it. I think this is because you miss what you had with him, minus the bad stuff. I might venture to say that you liked the IDEA of a relationship instead of the person. So many of us that never hear back from our ex's and don't seek out contact with them avoid spiking ourselves in the balls or the proverbial balls, you probably felt unhappy and sort of empty after the call. Plus, if you actually seek to see some sort of remorse from the other party you won't find any. They have to come to you because they have to realize it themselves and seek your forgiveness. Well your resent is justified but you need to let it go and the jealousy, but you got to do it on your own terms and time because if you hang on to it you'll never be free of your ex. I am sorry that this all happened to you Reim, you seem like a good person, and no one deserves what happened to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Buttercup84 Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Hey Hun . Our stories seem similar , my ex was emotionally abusive and just horrible. He could be so nice too though . It's been 7 months now and I'm just getting better . Over Christmas I had a complete set back to the point where I wanted to go to hospital . You are healing at your own pace , if you don't want to date don't date . I'm taking this year as a year to look after me , and not date .im also in therapy , have you thought about doing that ? Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 Hi. My ex was emotionally/psychologically abusive. He played head games with me. He pretended to take our relationship seriously, he lied in couple's counseling and did so much more to me. I left him in July 2011 and from time to time I still cry. He seems to be treating the gal he cheated on me with way better than me and asked her to marry him after 5 1/2 months, although he strung me along for 3 years with lies. I often think of how it's not fair...how he seems to be happy, while I'm left with wondering did he give me a sexually transmitted disease that I don't know about. I've been tested for two things so far and they came out negative. Today I thought about how I told him I would not be able to trust after him and he just blew off my statement like it was nothing. I also get very angry because he only pretended to be remorseful when he wanted me to be friends with him. When I told him "no," he was back to being mean to me and throwing his new gf in my face. Although I still cry and I am very, very angry, overall I must say that I am much better. I focus on different projects in my life and that helps. While I'm very jealous of this woman, I also feel very, very sorry for her. She has no idea what kind of bastard she has decided to settle down with. She has no idea of the lies he's told and how he uses people. She has no idea that she's is dating the devil. He is cool and charming to lots of people. They have no idea of the evil that lurks below the surface. I'm glad I got out. I truly do not know what he is capable of and I don't want to know. All I know is that he severely damaged me and he acted like it was his right to do it. I learned alot about myself and what I would never put up with again. I did soul searching and journaling and realized that I had dated someone that had many personality traits like my father had: disrespectful to his woman, lying, psychological abuse. I'm mad at my mom for putting up with someone like that and making it so that it was natural for me to seek someone out like that because it what I was used to. I also feel sorry for her because she didn't know the love of a real man and has not made any attempt to date since he past away years ago. I am glad that I learned that I have to work on myself so that I can be a stronger me and a better partner to someone who will deserve my love. Link to post Share on other sites
brokenheart88 Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 like everyone said dont give yourself a time limit. it just makes things soo much harder. i know i give myself one to... it just makes things a little bit easier because its like yelling at yourself to wake up almost but in the end your worse off. dont force yourself to date until your ready, from my experience you will fee worse off... and dont think hes the only one that might have loved you for who you are there will be plenty of guys. i know its hard to hear... but its true. when i was in high school i was made fun of and called the ugly girl all the time. and things changed when i entered college... but i still dont trust it when i get compliments or anything. and would assume that the guy that i liked who might have liked me back was one of the few who really liked me or saw something in me. you deserve better and you will get it in time when you are ready. best thing to do is focus on something else like school... i hope things get better for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts