So confused.....

[kiababy]

Today MM #2 came into my office; which is where we met. He's a service trainer and sometimes brings in new guys to train in our plant while he shows them how to look after a route. He came in one day, we chatted a bit and he threw his office number on my desk when no one was looking........today he was in and had a new trainee with him. I have been avoiding him for the past month or so because I can't deal with his divorce issues.

 

Ironic, considering this is a rare occasion when a married guy having a fling actually does get a divorce - but nothing to do with me, his marriage was on it's last legs when I came along, and he went back and forth with her while we were seeing each other. He only admitted that part to me after she moved out with their kids and filed for divorce.

 

So like I was saying, having to listen to all his divorce crap dampened my feelings for him, which have been waning steadily since I met MM#3 - the perfect man (I'm being sarcastic). But today he came in, and of course we can't reveal we've been seeing each other for the past 2 years because he is a Supervisor and one of the things he tells his guys is 'no fraternizing with women on your route'!!

 

So we're flirting and giggling when no one is looking and it was back to the original feelings of 'this is so much fun' that was there when we started....he is pretty sexy actually and has a to-die-for deep voice.

 

He whispered that he had brought his car with him so he could send the trainee back in the truck and he and I could slip out and 'go for a drive...'

 

I met him out in the parking lot.....and this feeling of dread came over me. I'm sick of sneaking around, I'm sick of being with men that can't be seen in public with me...first it was because he was still married - and living in the house with his wife by the way - now it's because he shouldn't be seen with customers....I can't win....

 

I got into his car but said I didn't feel like 'going for a drive today...' oh, did I mention that means sex? So we chatted for a bit - he did some groping, then he left but said "YOU'RE MEETING ME AFTER WORK...."

 

I am sooo not in the mood for it today. I've been doing a lot of thinking, in part because of some of the comments I've read on this forum. Yes, even I deserve better, but I cling to what is easy and familiar.

 

Having said that, I'm looking forward to Friday's planned encounter with my main man MM#3. I'm still completely infatuated with him, I see clearly (I think), that I've gotten myself into a potentially disasterous situation, but I want him so much I can hardly stand it. As far as he knows I'm this laid back, really together woman, confident, happy and busy with life. I am all of those things....but then I have this other side of me that wants attention from these men....clearly wrong for me..but I doesn't want to commit to anything. That's what my therapist said. He was no friggin help so I stopped going to him.

[kiababy]

A couple of other things preying on my mind...MM#3, the reason I joined this forum in the first place, always tells me that he needs me and he's not going anywhere so anyone I end up with better understand that. He also says his wife will have to understand that he needs me. I haven't yet, but I'm tempted to ask him what would he would say if she DID find out? No I would never ever tell, I don't want any kind of drama in my life ( ha ha ha). I am emotionally drained from the nightmare of my bitter divorce, I need calm right now.

 

He has also been telling people around him about me, the guys he works with, his boss. He asks me to leave messages on his cell phone that he can play for them. Doesn't tell me what to say though, it can be anything I feel like saying. I'm not sure if deep down he wants to get caught - which makes no sense because the reason we got so close in the first place is that one of the women he was cheating with before me called his wife and spilled the beans. He was so furious he dumped all of his women....but kept me around because as he says, I'm the only one he feels he can trust. The girls were all in their early 20's - I'm 42, he's 26.

 

Since that time he started telling me all his dirty little secrets. I started to feel very protective of him, responsible for him which is really really dumb. But that's how I feel.

[cowgirl]

KIABABY, KIABABY!!

 

What are you doing with this bloke. Surely he can't be that good. You say its been good to get on this site and get other advice, opinions etc... Maybe you should listen to a couple of things you've just said in your post.

 

YOU DON'T WANT ANY DRAMA IN YOUR LIFE!! - You've already got it mate. YOU NEARLY GOT CAUGHT WHEN ANOTHER OW CALLED HIS WIFE TO SPILL THE BEANS!! - He hasn't changed since than and he's proved he's never going to. What makes you think that if and when you do end up with this so called MAN that you won't get a phonecall like that one day from another woman he's hurt.

 

Im curious, how many mm have you got in your life? Ive been an ow before and it was a horrible experience with just one mm let alone "3". Please, Please wake up and smell the roses because none of them is worth the confusion and emotions your going through. There are plenty of single available men out there that can take you out in public and show you off.

 

Get rid of these others and move on. Easier said than done but it can be done. I used to be so weak when it came to my mm but if I can do it than anyone can.

 

Good Luck.

[kiababy]

Yes I'm on my third MM. What I never explained about #1 is that we worked together when I was going through my divorce and he was my shoulder to cry on. He was there during one of the lowest points in my life and actually separated from his wife for 6 months during our relationship. But they got back together, I got divorced and I DID move on.....then #2 dropped his number on my desk. He's in the middle of his divorce right now. And I did not meet him after work today by the way, I told him I didn't feel like it and took my sons out for dinner instead :)

 

MM#3.....I can't explain it. If I could I guess I could reason him out of my life. But he makes me feel better than I've ever felt in my lfe...when I'm with him. He's got this great happy-go-lucky always smiling surfer dude vibe about him. He's totally different than any man I've ever met. I'm totally consumed with him, and when we're together we're the only two people in the world. I have NO EXPECTATION that we will ever be together. He has made it clear that he loves his wife and does not want to leave her. But.....he feels he should be able to keep me too. We have talked about it a million times, and both said the same things to each other "....I'm not going anywhere....I'll always be in your life, no matter what..." I feel like no matter who I am with, or end up with....I want him to be there too....? We have no future together. I'm 42, he's 26 - I've had a hysterectomy and can never have children again, he loves children and wants to have his own someday (another source of contention between he and his wife).

 

I've thought about what would happen if she leaves him...God, what would I do??? I've already experienced him calling me drunk and happy at 3:00 a.m. out with his buddies drinking - it's happened 3 or 4 times - and each time he begs me to come and get him...bring him home with me.....I said no every time, there was never any question. His friends would drop him home and he would never fail to call 30 minutes later, whispering from his couch, saying that if I come and get him he'll be waiting outside. He pleads with me while I tell him why it's a VERY BAD IDEA. Then he'll suddenly say "I gotta go, k?" and hang up...I guess she wakes up, hears him, and drags him off to bed.

 

The next day he'll call to apologize sheepishly, and thank me for 'looking after him'......I don't drink..... I hate bars, I don't do ANY drugs (he tokes...a lot), yet I adore him.. He's everything bad for me....and I am totally consumed by him. I dont really want to leave him - I want a CURE for him. I want to avoid the pain of never seeing him again and skip to the part where he's disappeared from my life and happily involved with someone else. And by the way I do date...a lot....it just doesn't mean anything to me because I want them all to be exactly like HIM. I want them to look the same, smell the same, make me laugh the same way....do eveything exactly like he does. Crazy.