JolliX Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 How can you best tell when opening up to someone becomes dumping your issues on them? Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 They can tell you if they feel uncomfortable listening / discussing this with you. Beforehand you may even suggest they just say so if it gets too much for them. Or stop periodically and check it's okay with them. That gives you a little breather too, which I find is quite helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Belle Vie Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Boy, that's a really good question--I know exactly how you feel. I am an incredibly depressed person, but no one realizes it because I pretend to be very friendly and bubbly. People often describe me as "happy," even. Even the therapists I've seen to try to get help with my depression say that. They can't believe that I'm actually depressed, because I can't stop laughing and joking as I talk. It's a nervous gesture, but it makes me appear to be the exact opposite of how I actually feel. The few times I've tried to be honest with people, to tell them how I actually am, I can tell it made them REALLY uncomfortable, like betterdeal says. They don't know what to do with it. So, I just continue to pretend I'm happy, because no one wants to hear that I'm not. It's very isolating to know that I don't have anyone who understands, but it seems to be the way it is. The best I can do is when someone asks me how I'm doing, I just say, "Oh, same as always" and they never ask any further. That makes me feel a little better than lying and saying that I'm "fine." Link to post Share on other sites
Author JolliX Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 Belle Vie, I know how you feel. I've often pretended (do pretend) everything is fine, and I'm also rather good at laughing, smiling, doing activities that someone that is depressed would not be thought to do. That is how I dealt with my issues for a long time, I buried them, told no one, and just acted normal. I was able to overcome some of my difficulties and short comings this way, but unfortunately I've hit the point that that is no longer happening. Burying the issues I have left continues to make me miserable, but now it has actually caused pain to someone that is close to me. By myself, I was able to control many of my anger issues, my social anxieties, and my confidence as a person. But even after those issues were resolved I didn't talk about the things that still bothered me, open up when I should have, and eventually, it got the better of me and I dumped it all onto this person in a very insulting, hurtful way that no one should do to someone they love or care about. Now I'm trying to figure out how to open up, and what I should open up about. I also realize that I have issues that I need to fix for myself so that I can happy. It's all tough, which of course is why I am asking questions on these boards as one of my means of finding answers. The issues that plague me now are insecurities in regards to romantic relationships, feeling I'm not where I could be in life, and being ashamed of what some things I've done in the past. -I am insecure about my romantic partner leaving me. -I am insecure about my romantic partner forgetting me. -I am insecure about being good enough for my romantic partner. Those three insecurities persist even when I was told I was loved, amazing, and every other compliment that one could hope to be told. However, I still felt the insecurities, but I did not share that I had them, or talked with anyone about them. Eventually, these insecurities would lead to fights, and my last fight I became mean, lashing out and insulting and emotionally hurtin the person I loved because of my issues and not handling them properly. Those are some of what I'm working on now, and why I am trying to find out how to open up about them, and not dump them inappropirately. I'm sorry to hear things are tough Belle Vie, feel free to let us know why they are. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 I've started reading How to stop worrying and start living by Dale Carnegie. It has some good general tips that may help with your insecurity. Who do you want to open up to about these fears? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JolliX Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 I just want to learn how to open up when something is on my chest without feeling like I'm adding burden to someone's shoulders. I've already opened up to close friends and family about a few things. I still have a couple things I need to tell my mom and dad, but those are difficult to say. I guess, I just want to learn when to open up, so it doesn't end up exploding out and ruining another relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 I've had similar problems. I even have difficulty opening up to my therapist at times! That's something we're working on together. Conceptually, you may be ruining the relationship by not talking about what's on your chest. Talking about it is the way to keep a healthy dynamic in the relationship. Physically, take a deep breath and shake off the worries about the consequences - just say how you feel - like the cat says, those that matter don't mind. Link to post Share on other sites
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