Is it really me, him, or her?

[blueeyedbaby]

I have an obession with my boyfriend's ex that I cannot shake. Can someone help me make sense of this?

 

My boyfriend is one of those too-nice guys. A few years ago he met Cathy while he was lonely and down on himself. They moved in together after a month, and lived in his house for 3 years. She lived there rent-free. When her car died, he gave her his old car (a red convertible) to drive. He also paid her college tuition and helped her pay her bills. He quickly realized he wanted to break up, but she was completely dependent on him emotionally and financially.

 

Last July they broke up and she moved from his bed into the guest room. She lived there ever after she became engaged to another man in September. When she moved out in December, she continued driving the car (until she could afford her own) and using his cell phone. She continued visiting his family and some of her mail still comes to the house.

 

I began dating my boyfriend in January, barely 3 weeks after she moved out. When I found out all this, much later, I was shocked and angry at him. And at her -- I consider her a common prostitute and I am embarrassed that we dated the same man. The mere thought of her, the length they were together and the way she used my boyfriend makes me shake with rage. Like any self-respecting woman, I pride myself in paying my own way and earning what I have.

 

My boyfriend says he is completely over her and wants to marry me. He doesn't care about the money or car as long as she's gone. When she acted badly toward me at a family party, he took back the car and phone and told her she was no longer welcome at the house. He said he does not speak to her unless he needs to, and I believe that this is true.

 

He also says I need to be sympathetic to the fact that he was her only friend and source of support for a long time, and that while he has removed himself from her, it will take her longer to separate herself from him. I say she's used him enough and deserves what ever she does or does not have.

 

My boyfriend has tried very hard to demonstrate that she is gone -- I have never seen a picture or momento around the house or anything like that. He does not mention her name unless I ask a direct question. He even bought new sheets. Yet she lived with him for 3 years, slept in the same bed we now share, and her presence is tangible. I cannot go to the house without thinking of her, and I am anxious for many days before and after. Although his family has repeatedly expressed how much they hated her and love me, I still do not feel like I can take her place.

 

She is not physically around except in memory, but even that is too much to bear. When I see her name -- on an old peice of scrap paper or a piece of mail or a supermarket discount card -- I feel like crying. Then, just when I think I am putting it behind me, her memory pops up again. This past weekend, her Victoria's Secret catalogue arrived at his house and it stirred all the feelings I thought were resolved.

 

So who is the problem here? Is it her, for committing the crime of living with my boyfriend when he invited her to? Am I angry at the nature of the relationship, or just jealous? Is it his fault for not doing ... I don't know what he could possibly do in the future to make me feel better. I don't think there is anything.

 

Am I justified in my anger? Any advice on how to get over this?

[disguy]

You are living the past and letting it get to you. Move on because its not worth the hassle. You say that she is not physically around anymore and it bugs you that her name was on a Victoria Secret's catalog that was sent to you and your bf's place-- its just time to move on. If you keep living in his past, then you will never be able to make a future for the two of you. I know it just urks you to think of her, but why think of her when you should be thinking about what the two of you have going on? She's not in the picture so why bother? What's the point? Dunno how long you have been bothered by this, but either way, your just wasting your time.