Frank13 Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I have been pondering the idea of reaching out to him finally. I feel as though I am in a good place in my life and emotionally and I would love to rebuild that bridge with him. I think this is a mistake at this point. I have seen too many posts here where people got to where you are now, broke NC, and it was like going back to day one. What I am trying to say is I think you need to stay NC for a longer period of time. Then you can think of breaking NC. As soon as you feel you are ready to break NC is not the time. You have to go way past that point for it not to set you back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author perfectlyflawed459 Posted January 21, 2012 Author Share Posted January 21, 2012 I think this is a mistake at this point. I have seen too many posts here where people got to where you are now, broke NC, and it was like going back to day one. What I am trying to say is I think you need to stay NC for a longer period of time. Then you can think of breaking NC. As soon as you feel you are ready to break NC is not the time. You have to go way past that point for it not to set you back. Yea you are probably right. I haven't broken NC yet and I don't really know if I will anytime soon. Life is really good right now and I am scared of the potential risk of it setting me back. As much as I tell myself that I can handle it and that I am stronger, I think I know deep down it may set me back a little. It has only been 4 months after all, which I guess isn't that much time if you think about it. It is the longest time him and I have been completely separated though. We have never been separated before actually, so it is the first time too As much as I miss him, it probably does need more time before anyone of us decide to face each other again. Thank you for your imput Link to post Share on other sites
stitch702 Posted January 21, 2012 Share Posted January 21, 2012 I have been thinking a lot lately about this whole No Contact buisness. While it has healed me and put me in a better place emotionally, sometimes I feel like No Contact is a mind game you are playing with your ex. Yes I am all healed up, but I never intended for my ex to feel like I wanted him gone forever. That is the complete opposite of how I really feel...Now that I look back on it, I was a little harsh with my ex when he reached out to me. He actually walked up to me and wanted to talk to me face to face, but at the time, I blatently ignored him because I was trying to stick to NC. Although I did it for healing purposes, part of it was to kind of to get back at him too I realize; to put him in his place and show him I could fair off without him. I felt like my actions were justified at the tiem, but now I realize that might have been a little harsh and I probably gave him the idea that I never wanted to speak to him again. I mean he freaking ditched his supposed girlfriend just to try and approach me face to face, but I threw it all at his face. I know it hurt/bothered him...I saw his face fall a little from the corner of my eye, as if I punched him in the gut. He literally just stood there as I walked off and started talking to other guys in front of him, then walked off on his own, not even to reunite with the other girl. I guess I am just having a moment right now, but as grateful as I am for the healing NC has granted me, I feel like I gave off the wrong vibe to my ex. Yes he did hurt me and I guess at the time I felt like he did deserve to get smacked in the face like that, but at the same time it still hurt me to do that. I never intended on hurting him or giving him the idea that I never wanted to talk to him again. I guess the moral of the story is to be careful how you use NC. Use it to heal, not spite your ex or get a reaction out of them. If you use it for the wrong reasons, you can convey the wrong idea and then you guys will be stuck in a circle of ridiculous mind games. This is exactly where I am at in my healing process. I almost have a sense of guilt for going complete N/C on her without even telling her what I was doing. However, I look back and it was the emotional state I was in where I really needed to do N/C for my sake of keeping my sanity. Then again we did have a very messy break-up and I feel like she did some things on her end to kind of spite me. I do want to reach out to her and tell her what exactly was going through my mind at the time, but I am afraid that she won't care and I'll be hurt again. I guess I have weighed my options between being hurt and losing my self respect/pride or being hurt and retaining some self-respect/pride. I have opted to continue N/C, and pray that time will take my pain away... Link to post Share on other sites
Author perfectlyflawed459 Posted January 21, 2012 Author Share Posted January 21, 2012 This is exactly where I am at in my healing process. I almost have a sense of guilt for going complete N/C on her without even telling her what I was doing. However, I look back and it was the emotional state I was in where I really needed to do N/C for my sake of keeping my sanity. Then again we did have a very messy break-up and I feel like she did some things on her end to kind of spite me. I do want to reach out to her and tell her what exactly was going through my mind at the time, but I am afraid that she won't care and I'll be hurt again. I guess I have weighed my options between being hurt and losing my self respect/pride or being hurt and retaining some self-respect/pride. I have opted to continue N/C, and pray that time will take my pain away... Yea I think the same thing; what if he doesn't even care? Hmm something I have been thinking of is just casually saying hello and having a brief, friendly conversation to break the ice a little. By that, I mean do not bring ANYTHING up about how you went NC or the break up. However, I think even that would be a little hard to do too. I have decided to stay NC a little while longer as well because life is very good for me right now and I do not need emotional stress on top of school. Maybe one day when I am a bit stronger I will reach out, but I still do not think I am quite ready to face him just yet. There is no rush though, after all, I believe deep down that this separation is good for my ex and I because it will allow the past to truly die away. That is good you decided to stick with NC, you will only get stronger each day Even it is only a little bit of strength, it is still something! Link to post Share on other sites
Author perfectlyflawed459 Posted January 31, 2012 Author Share Posted January 31, 2012 So I broke NC yesterday as a way of finally confronting my fears toward my ex. He did reply, but the conversation was very cold on his part. He said things are very nice in his life right now (I assume with his gf too) and I went out on a limb and said sorry for being such a stranger. However all he said was that he never expected me to keep in contact with him anyway because we are going separate ways nowadays (him being in high school still and me starting college). I told him I never meant for it to come off like that and he said he never took offense. I told him I never thought he did take offense and that I was glad that he was doing well and that it was nice to catch up a little. He just said well thank you and I just left it at that. I will admit, his coldness towards me hurt and I did cry. It stings a little to know that he loves his girlfriend and does not really miss having me around from what it seems. But it is okay because it gives me more reason than ever and I do not regret my decision to break NC. I would not say I was setback, I am still very happy and remaining positive However I do believe his coldness towards me was quite...rude. My mother even thought so, so it is not me just being sensitive. And what does not make any sense is that his sister tells me that he talks about me to her quite often and does still think about me. His sister even said that it wasn't a choosing thing between me and his current gf because he already knew he would never be able to see me because we have conflicting schedules and she said that he loved me very much, but the college situation was hard. Also, my mom says that he always greets her and talks to her when he sees her at the grocery store she works at. However, when I finally do try and talk to him, he acts coldly towards me. I would bet money that if it was any other person, he would have been more lighthearted towards them. I honestly feel like he is putting up a brick wall against, and for what reason I do not have a clue. I may never know, but that is okay because I know that is something that is not in my control. I know I am a damn awesome girl and that it is HIS loss, big time. He is letting me go and be "free" in college I suppose, he always said he felt like that was for the best. I will continue to press forward and leave him be, after all, he still has his senior year of high school left. We just can't be in each other's life I guess for so many reasons, which sucks, but again it is out of our control. Life is too precious to let this bring me down, and I not intend on letting it do so Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I guess the moral of the story is to be careful how you use NC. Use it to heal, not spite your ex or get a reaction out of them. If you use it for the wrong reasons, you can convey the wrong idea and then you guys will be stuck in a circle of ridiculous mind games. I think NC can be used for different reasons. In my case I am using it to get to the point where I don't want to ever talk to her again. I want her out of my life. I am not mad at her. I cared, but she didn't so time to move on. Whether she takes it the wrong way is her problem. Frankly why should I care what someone who I don't want in my life thinks? Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 This is exactly where I am at in my healing process. I almost have a sense of guilt for going complete N/C on her without even telling her what I was doing. However, I look back and it was the emotional state I was in where I really needed to do N/C for my sake of keeping my sanity. Then again we did have a very messy break-up and I feel like she did some things on her end to kind of spite me. I do want to reach out to her and tell her what exactly was going through my mind at the time, but I am afraid that she won't care and I'll be hurt again. I guess I have weighed my options between being hurt and losing my self respect/pride or being hurt and retaining some self-respect/pride. I have opted to continue N/C, and pray that time will take my pain away... I look at it this way. If it is so hard for us to do NC and we know what it is about, how much does the ex care if they never break NC? For us it is a plan with a reason. If you go NC and you never hear from the ex again, that tells you how little they care. Good for you to stick to NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author perfectlyflawed459 Posted February 3, 2012 Author Share Posted February 3, 2012 (edited) Just a little update I suppose. As you guys know, my ex was really rude to me the other day after I tried to show nothing but kindness towards him. Here is my thread about the nasty text he sent me just in case you all are interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t313169/ So far, I have been doing fabulous I have not broken down, talked about him, or really thought about him for that matter! I thought it would have hit me hard by now (which you never know, maybe it will), but I am doing great! When I say I am over him and do not really hold love towards him anymore, I believe that is starting to become more true each passing day. It does not sting to say that anymore too and I do not even think about holding out hope for things to change. Many people have told me on here that he will regret doing this to me, but I am not even anticipating that! If he thinks he tore me down by doing this to me, then he couldn't be anymore wrong. In fact, he brought me up even higher and I couldn't feel anymore alive The future looks bright right now, brighter than ever! I have so much to be thankful for and look forward to. I will keep everyone updated on how things are and I cannot thank LS and the magnificant people on here enough for the life lessons and support that have been provided to me. Joining this site has truly been a blessing in my life and I can move forward from this dark time a stronger, wiser, and more mature woman. Edited February 3, 2012 by perfectlyflawed459 Link to post Share on other sites
stitch702 Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 That's great to hear perfectlyflawed...don't let him make you feel less than what you are really worth. In fact don't let anyone make you feel less than what you are worth... Link to post Share on other sites
Author perfectlyflawed459 Posted February 3, 2012 Author Share Posted February 3, 2012 That's great to hear perfectlyflawed...don't let him make you feel less than what you are really worth. In fact don't let anyone make you feel less than what you are worth... Thanks Stitch Same goes to you too! I hope you manage to heal from your break up as well, whether that means you get your ex back or just realize that they weren't for you. Let me add, I hope things go smoothly in that process too and that you do not have to deal with what I had to Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 What a cutie! Link to post Share on other sites
Author perfectlyflawed459 Posted February 4, 2012 Author Share Posted February 4, 2012 hehe thanks Dust Link to post Share on other sites
stitch702 Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Thanks Stitch Same goes to you too! I hope you manage to heal from your break up as well, whether that means you get your ex back or just realize that they weren't for you. Let me add, I hope things go smoothly in that process too and that you do not have to deal with what I had to No, I don't want my ex back. Something similar to your situation happened to me a while back that made me realize she wasn't worth it. Although I'm not really angry with her and wish her nothing but happiness, I have to say that I do not really want her in my life and will continue N/C at this point. I may not have everything I want right now, but I sure as hell have everything I need. A great family and good friends...what more can I ask for? So I'll be good! Link to post Share on other sites
Author perfectlyflawed459 Posted February 4, 2012 Author Share Posted February 4, 2012 No, I don't want my ex back. Something similar to your situation happened to me a while back that made me realize she wasn't worth it. Although I'm not really angry with her and wish her nothing but happiness, I have to say that I do not really want her in my life and will continue N/C at this point. I may not have everything I want right now, but I sure as hell have everything I need. A great family and good friends...what more can I ask for? So I'll be good! Yes it is very important to embrace all the positive things in your life because they are more than enough of a reason to not allow ONE person to bring you down. I understand why you would continue N/C, when the one you loved disprespects you to that degree (I do not know exactly what happened with you, but I will assume it was like what happened to me like you said), it is hard to really ever want them in your life again no matter how great the relationship was. It is nice to see that you still wish your ex well despite that nasty things she did because holding onto resentment is very unhealthy and won't allow you to move on with your life. I still haven't shed a tear about that text and it has not put me down at all since it happened, so that is a big sign to me that I am growing indifferent. I am getting closer to the point you are at each passing day. I know soon I will find it in my heart to completely forgive him and let go of the little anger I have towards him about the message he sent me the other night. It in no way justifies his actions towards me, but I can smile everyday knowing I did nothing wrong and that everyone else can see me for the good person I know I am. Here is to a bright future, for both of us Link to post Share on other sites
Author perfectlyflawed459 Posted February 4, 2012 Author Share Posted February 4, 2012 My best friend last night asked me how I got over my ex because she desperately wants to get over her current abusive on and off bf, but claims she is "too in love" to let go. Oh how those words sound so familiar and it was not that long ago that I was saying that myself about my ex. So I have done some reflection since last night in order to help her out based on my experiences and here is my opinion... I have realized that we desperately try and figure out what we did wrong and try to fix it in order change for the better for our ex. We do this in hopes that they will see the changes and want to give us another chance. However as nice as that seems, I think many people should ask themselves: Is this person willing to make changes for ME like I am pushing to make changes for him/her? Really, ask yourself that and be honest with yourself. If you find that you are the only one who is working hard, then that should be a red flag that this person is not worth your time anymore. I mean there is nothing wrong with analyzing yourself and maturing from your faults, but if you are doing it mainly to impress your ex and win them back, that is not healthy. No matter how much you try to change, you should know deep down that it will not make things better because you know deep down that THEY will not change for YOU. In that case, you deserve someone who will cherish you more!! Also, really listen to yourself when a peer or family member says you can "do better" or that your ex is "not worth it." Many of us will try and make excuses for our ex and say stuff like "well my actions caused him/her to do this to me so I cannot blame them for doing xyz..." or "I deserved it because it was partially my fault too." If you admit to yourself that you have been making excuses for your ex to validate their actions towards you or for breaking up with you, then that is another major red flag. Often we will make excuses for the ones we are so "in love" with because we want to believe that the fault was partially on our side so we can make ourselves believe that if we fix our mistakes, things will magically work themselves out for the better. Although there are cases where both parties can take blame for an issue, this should not be used as a way to justify your ex's rude behavior towards you and your reasoning that you should hold on to them. As for being "too in love" too let go, I use to say this to myself as well. Now that I look at it, I see it as a comfort issue. It is scary to let go of something so familiar and try and find something new. We as humans tend to fear change in general at times, so it is normal to think this way when a relationship goes sour. I feel like we often confuse being "too in love" (myself included in this because I did this as well) with being too afraid to let go because this person is a comfort zone for us. However, it is up to you to realize this for yourself. This is my little analysis about being "too in love" to let go. Anyone is free to add on or disagree with me because I am always up for a deep conversation and learning other's opinions To anyone going through a rough time, I really encourage you to analyze these things I have just said. Believe me, I know what it is like to make excuses and such for someone who doesn't even appreciate you. To me, I really see now that these things are major red flags that your relationship/break up is very toxic and that you need to walk out for your own sake. Everyone here deserves someone we do not have to change, prove ourselves to, or make excuses for and I sincerely hope that my reflection on my own break up and how acted can be used to help someone escape from such a terrible situation. Link to post Share on other sites
moosekaka Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Is this person willing to make changes for ME like I am pushing to make changes for him/her? perfectlyflawed....thank you for this line. It is a question I have not asked myself all this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author perfectlyflawed459 Posted February 5, 2012 Author Share Posted February 5, 2012 perfectlyflawed....thank you for this line. It is a question I have not asked myself all this time. I am glad I was able to help someone Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts