My GIGS experience, and consequences of my actions

[rob_h]

**Firstly I'd like to say thank you to Rob who has donated his account to me for this. I have tried again and again to create an account for this forum and have not once received the 'verification/activation' email to get me started, and this is across several different email accounts from several different email providers. I don't know if what i'm doing is LS legal or not but I'm sure I'll find out soon. Either way I have permission from the original owner of this account.

One thing though, he is male and I am female so until further notice Rob_h is now Roberta for the purposes of this forum. Thanks.**

 

So my story is fairly long but I'd like to know what people think. Also, I subscribe to the idea of GIGS, so any GIGS-bashers please argue elsewhere. No I don't believe 'most' breakups are due to it, nor do I believe the dumper always comes back when it is GIGS I just can see it exactly for what it is as I believe I had/have it. This is my experience of it.

 

So I met my first love when I was 17 in Nov 2007 and we were together until May 2011, when I was 21. We broke up due to my GIGS.

 

I cannot remember when my GIGS started exactly but I remember the feeling getting stronger and stronger as time went on, I’d say almost a year before we broke up it was there under the surface. I never stopped loving my ex, and have since I was 17, but my own childish/immature attitude blinded me to what we had. Anyway, around Nov 2010 I mentioned my confusion to him about wanting to be single but also not wanting to lose him and it tore him apart. He wanted to make me happy so badly that he suggested an open relationship to please me. Neither of us could face that, and we clung onto our relationship because of our fear of losing each other. But after this conversation he got more and more depressed.

 

I felt less like a trophy girlfriend to him and more like other guys were noticing me, and I noticed them more. I wanted the freedom to flirt and have the ‘college’ life like all of my friends were, but I did not have the courage to break up with him. Anyway finally in May 2011 he ended it as he could see I wasn’t happy, it felt almost a relief that he did it for me as I was too weak to do it myself, and I respected him for it. The following day he changed his fb status to single. It felt like a mutual break up, and I was proud of how amicably we had done it.

 

I then had a number of months of singleness and eventually got close with a guy at the gym I had been chatting to for a while. I felt terrible because I knew it was romantic interest I was feeling for him, and did not want my ex to find out, because the whole reason we broke up was because I wanted to be single. I hid the whole thing from him despite continuing to be friends and started hanging out more with this guy; going on dates, hanging out at his house etc. However I did tell the new guy that I wasn’t looking for anything serious, just a bit of fun, but despite this, there was romantic attraction for each other and eventually we got to the stage where the other would get jealous of the idea of one of us flirting with someone else. Basically it was a relationship without the label of bf/gf. So throughout this new relationship, my ex still called me, we still hung out, and more often times than not we would end up having a serious conversation based on him wanting me back. Since this was during my new relationship I was completely adamant that I did not want him back, and that ‘maybe one day in future’ it could happen and ‘I love you but am not in love with you’ and ‘please don’t forget about us’ basically I was bread-crumbing him up big time, I just couldn’t stop myself/see what I was doing to him.

 

This lasted until the end of summer when I had to start university. My ex and I met up for one last time and had an emotional goodbye. At this point I also decided it wasn’t fair to string him along and essentially said ‘scrap the idea of something happening in future, it’s not fair on either of us to hope for something that may or may not happen’ and we pretty much called it a day.

 

When I went to uni I barely thought about my ex. I was in a new place with new friends and a new things to get used to. I did miss my rebound guy though, I think because we had been hanging out most days by this point so there was a noticeable difference when I left. So he arranged to come and see me a month into my term. I was excited to see my rebound guy and excited to introduce him to my new friends and place.

 

But this is where things started to change. As soon as he arrived something wasn’t the same. Suddenly I noticed that he was a lot more shy than my ex had been. He didn’t enjoy meeting my new friends as much as I imagined my ex would have. He was also very clingy with me and acting coupley, which suddenly shocked me into how much I did not want that with him. I think the time away from both him and my ex made me realise who I actually missed more. By the 3rd day of his stay I could not take it any longer and had to cut his stay short. I told him that things didn’t feel the same and that we wanted different things from this, and it was probably better to just go back to being friends. He took it quite well but I could see he was upset/confused by this.

 

Suddenly all I wanted was my ex back. A few days after rebound guy left I proclaimed to one of my uni friends (who knows about my situation) “I am going to marry [ex]!!”

I cant remember when I initiated contact again but I do remember one (could have been the first) phonecall back to him where I just decided to phone and see what he was doing. He happened to be quite drunk and on a night out. I asked if he wanted me to phone another time but he was very willing to step outside and chat to me. I remember feeling a MASSIVE surge of emotion at this, and the fact that we could maybe have a second chance. We had a huge catch up and spoke about a lot of things, including his family, who I obviously used to be close to. Then after this phonecall we text fairly regularly, and it was approaching my week long holiday in which I was due to come home. He knew this and agreed to hang out and see me the minute I got back. I was overjoyed.

 

So I came home on the train and the first thing I did was go round to his house. We had an amazing kiss as soon as I got there and then fell straight back into how we used to be, laughing and chatting. When we both stepped out for a cigarette, the issue was sort of raised about what we mean to each other. I remember saying “I’ve tried to be with other people, but it’s just not the same…” to which he enthusiastically agreed and mentioned that “we will be together soon, I know it”. At this point I still had doubts about how soon we should get back together, as I wanted to know for sure that my GIGS feelings wouldn’t come back, so I agreed with his statement and said something along the lines of “soon, not just yet but soon”. Anyway after this we had an amazing week whereby we went on dates, hung out and generally relived old times with each other. He told me he loved me several times. I felt it too and replied with the same to him, but held back from coming straight out with it unprompted as I wanted to be sure about my own feelings. He also told his friends (one of which is a mutual friend of mine so this is how I know) that we were about to get back together. Anyway at the end of the week I went back to uni, and he said he would try to come down to see me as soon as he had a free weekend, and he was looking forward to seeing me soon.

 

So I text him regularly over the next week or so (now somewhat clingy I realise with hindsight), and he responded well. I brought up the idea of him visiting during a phone call and he seemed a little more distant about the idea by this point. I left it, but did start to notice his responses getting more and more distant as time went on. I raised the issue about his visiting again and he then said he didn’t think he could make it as he had to work to earn money one of the days in the weekend. He continued to refuse when I said I would buy the ticket myself which I thought a bit odd. This started to play on my mind a bit and so a couple days later after little contact with him I sent him a text saying

 

“Hi there, I don’t know what’s up but you seem really distant at the moment, let me know if anything is on your mind..xx”

 

To which I received the following reply:

 

“Hi [pet name] I meant to call you this evening. I’ve met someone else, and I really would like you to be happy for me. Hope you’re ok though, and I would really like to stay friends xx”

 

I was completely hysterical all morning. I felt totally helpless being so many miles away and so desperate. I rang him in tears and he told me to phone him when I had calmed down.

 

Turns out he went on a night out the day I left to go back to uni with a male friend of his and somehow ended up meeting and sleeping with a girl. (This part is fine, we were both single etc, I may well have done the same thing) But then obviously he got her number and they started talking to each other and giving each other lots of attention (FYI she broke up with her ex 3 weeks before she met my ex that night). He took her out on a date 4 days after my return to uni and they’ve been seeing each other since then (Nov- Present). He believes his feelings for her are totally genuine and is in denial that she is rebounding like crazy (which is pretty obvious even from an outsiders point of view just given the time scale). They have just recently made it fb official. He has also fed me all of the classic lines which I recognised from myself earlier this year "I love you as a friend", "we don't know whats going to happen in the future"

 

 

Now I have two ways to look at this;

 

A) During our time apart he recovered from our breakup and moved on. The week where I was back was just a blip where old feelings resurfaced but he genuinely opened up to meeting someone new and starting a healthy new relationship.

B) He has now got some form/alternative of GIGS. (Smokey bear?)He has been seeing/texting a number of girls since our breakup, none of them have worked out to be more than just a shag and a few texts afterwards, and this one has turned into something more due to her own circumstances. I believe that he told me he loved me when I was home because that is what he felt at that time. He then thought we were potentially about to get back together and decided to make the most of single life whilst I was at uni, which has then developed into something more with this girl who has obviously given him a lot of attention.

 

WTF!? (don't tell me to move on and improve myself, I already am. I'm more looking for advice from people who actually believe in the GIGS/immaturity stages)

Edited January 12, 2012 by rob_h

[Philosoraptor]

I believe in immaturity but also in logic.

 

You couldn't have been truly fulfilled by your ex so you explored other options. The options you saw wern't what you wanted so you decided to go back to what is comfortable. This is common and many people do it as many fear that they will not do better than what was comfortable when their next relationship doesn't work out.

 

On the other hand he seems to taken more of a mature route and did not feel the same spark as you when you came back. Maybe he is just scared or not willing to go through the same thing as he was put through before as instead of committing you told him "soon". Maybe he is being vengeful and wanting you to hurt like you hurt him... I dunno.

 

Did you explain to him in which ways you have matured? From what you've writen you were not fully ready to commit when you came back and he wasn't so cool with that. I can understand his worry if he had it because he was put through that before and he saw the road it took.

 

Now I don't know everything about you or every detail of your relationship; but he's not available now and his allegiance is only to himself and his current relationship.

 

I hope things work out for you and that you find your peace with the situation.

[BoredAgain]

Interesting story. Thank you for the post!

[rob_h]

Really interesting points, thanks for your input and for reading through! I prefer to look at it like I didn't realise quite how much he fulfilled me until I explored other options, which in essence was the entire reason for splitting up and indeed GIGS; seeing what else was out there. I completely see how I was returning to what is comfortable and I can see how I was not ready for a relationship even then.

 

I just feel like from my perspective, he is going through the same thing I did. From speaking to his friends, he is definitely unsure of what he wants; he has launched himself into this relationship with her, telling me that she is definitely what he wants and he is 'done with single life' despite only having been single for 5/6 months or so. When he has told his friends he is jealous of them being single (already!).

 

I can see how he looks mature in this situation to you but in reality he is even more immature than me. He took an unrealistically positive outlook throughout our original relationship believing that we would be together forever which is why it hit him so hard when it ended (and potentially triggering my doubts of 'what if this is it forever?'). Additionally after our breakup in May he met a girl the following day and started dating her immediately while still pining after me, essentially lying to both of us...

 

When I told him "soon" he was definitely in agreement that we shouldn't get back together yet, but that we both still care about each other. I don't think he has properly thought about it to be honest with you, he has just jumped straight into the nearest most available distraction. In a way it's ok, because I wouldn't expect him to commit to me again without fully experiencing someone else its just very disorientating.

 

Did you explain to him in which ways you have matured? From what you've writen you were not fully ready to commit when you came back and he wasn't so cool with that. I can understand his worry if he had it because he was put through that before and he saw the road it took.

 

I have explained myself yes, and have now told him about the entire thing with the other guy and how I have learnt from it. I guess it was sort of falling on deaf ears though because he just kept saying how "we don't know whats going to happen in future" (ie there is still a chance for us some day) which is exactly how I spun it to him when I went through it.

[ZimboGon]

He took an unrealistically positive outlook throughout our original relationship believing that we would be together forever which is why it hit him so hard when it ended (and potentially triggering my doubts of 'what if this is it forever?').

 

How is there anything wrong with that outlook? Its love. That is how i act as well. What is the point of dating someone if you plan to break-up with them?

[rob_h]

I know it's love. Sorry I'm not really explaining myself. He has massive issues because his mother left him to fend for himself when she re-married, and I guess by unrealistic I meant that he was incredibly dependent on me; at one point I was his only friend and I did stand by him. But at the same time it gave me more responsibility than I was ready for. I was 18 and pretty much replaced his mother in his life. I kept him going and helped him organise himself with his career. The only way I can describe it is I wished I had met him at 24/25 when I was ready to settle for good. Do you think it is realistic to expect to marry the only person you have ever been in a relationship with when there is so much pressure to date around and 'have fun'?

[smokey bear]

Im glad to see you finally made it onto the board, when you contacted me last week privately you must understand that i dont know who you are to give out private details.

 

Anyway, first things first.

 

Don't justify yourself to anyone on here, there is a fair habbit of people making you feel terrible for simply being the way you were.

 

Yes there is a fair similarity between our stories with the difference of my ex and I being back together for 8 months before he gigsed.

 

Can you provide us with some more details, eg age, time together etc

[ZimboGon]

I know it's love. Sorry I'm not really explaining myself. He has massive issues because his mother left him to fend for himself when she re-married, and I guess by unrealistic I meant that he was incredibly dependent on me; at one point I was his only friend and I did stand by him. But at the same time it gave me more responsibility than I was ready for. I was 18 and pretty much replaced his mother in his life. I kept him going and helped him organise himself with his career. The only way I can describe it is I wished I had met him at 24/25 when I was ready to settle for good. Do you think it is realistic to expect to marry the only person you have ever been in a relationship with when there is so much pressure to date around and 'have fun'?

 

Well, that is all understandable. You aren't responsible for him. As for your last question, you are probably asking the wrong guy about that. I idolize the notion of love. Finding someone worth the commitment of my very life and being is the most important thing in the world to me. If i find someone i am happy with, i feel no pressure whatsoever to leave and date around and 'have fun'. Infact, that is the first time i have ever heard that. What pressure is there to date around? If you find someone you are happy with what problem is there?

 

But, i can't wrap my head around the notion of breaking up with someone you still care about because of circumstance. Its an idiotic notion to me when finding a partner is such an important part of life. If you love someone then you make it work.

[smokey bear]

Can i say again, please stop justifying yourself.

 

 

Can i ask why have you posted on the forum? Really think about this please and give me your honest and genuine reasons. I dont mean that in a negative way, i mean it in a what are you hoping to solve kind of way.

 

eg

 

Healing

Understanding yourself

Trying to get your ex back etc etc etc

[rob_h]

Thanks smokey, yeah we were together from 17 (me) 18 (him) to May this year (21 and 22). Both first loves, first everything. Together for 3.5 years.

 

I think the reason I missed him is that he stopped contacting me, and I had time to think about what I really want. Its very confusing to try and work it out when you have attention thrown at you from all angles; you pick the newest shiniest thing.

 

His rebound girl is 18 and the direct opposite of me. She's already incredibly jealous of his female friends etc. I'm just worried he will turn into a relationship hopper rather than focussing on himself (like ive been forced to) and finding happiness alone rather than jumping on the first thing to avoid being lonely. (Loneliness is a big problem for him; again this comes from the mother issues and when I started to go out and meet friends from college he got really down because all his friends had left to go to university. He does not enjoy his own company.)

[rob_h]

Zimbo I can see how its confusing for people who haven't experienced GIGS; this is why I asked for people who have a deeper understanding of it to respond. It's kidding yourself that there is more opportunity out there. For me it was a lot of things other than my ex too; I used to be incredibly independent and towards the end of my relationship found myself almost being downgraded (by others around me) to a half of something rather than a whole. I wanted to experience the world in general not just dating but wanted to feel free to travel and go places like my ambitions prior to my relationship told me I should do.

[rob_h]

Thanks man. It just makes it obvious when people say things like this that they don't understand GIGS. They can't. Otherwise they wouldn't say it.

[smokey bear]

This quote right here makes me want to reach through my computer and punch you in the face for telling someone that they are settling when in fact, they learn unconditional love.

 

Youre an idiot. People like you that throw out the word immaturity or emotional immaturity are emotionally immature.

 

This story is about emotional growth, something you need to start doing.

 

If you do not understand a concept, ask questions. Nothing in love is logical. Thats why you are on this forum, because you are black and white and think love conforms to logic. It doesnt, it conforms to emotions and feelings.

 

 

Well said albeit with a lot of emotion but in control, to some extent.

 

I liked this post wilson, for its progression and understanding in you xx

[wilsonx]

As for your story, it sucks... trust me

 

Smokey and I are in the same boat right now, shes further ahead of the game then me and both ex's are GIGSing, same patterns that we followed to a T.

 

As for your ex, he has to learn on his own and you cant help him. Dont be friends with him.

 

Remember what you said made you come back?

 

"I think the reason I missed him is that he stopped contacting me, and I had time to think about what I really want. Its very confusing to try and work it out when you have attention thrown at you from all angles; you pick the newest shiniest thing."

 

Smokey said the same thing, and you know what it worked for me too. You sit there and very confused for a long time and you work out all possible angles and finally its like a lightbulb moment. You are like WTF just happened, what did I do, and you panic and do crazy things like you did. I did the same thing.

 

Your ex might be going through GIGS right now, but I will warn you, guys go through it longer because we dont care. Unless he's really self aware and starts self sabotaging things, it might take a while. I think my entire process from start to end was 14 months from 1-4.

[rob_h]

 

Can i ask why have you posted on the forum? Really think about this please and give me your honest and genuine reasons. I dont mean that in a negative way, i mean it in a what are you hoping to solve kind of way.

 

eg

 

Healing

Understanding yourself

Trying to get your ex back etc etc etc

 

Sorry was this aimed at me? Short term I would like to understand this thing GIGS fully and make sure it never comes back. Long term I would like reconciliation for sure but I can understand this could be a long long way off/never.

[rob_h]

As for your story, it sucks... trust me

 

Smokey and I are in the same boat right now, shes further ahead of the game then me and both ex's are GIGSing, same patterns that we followed to a T.

 

As for your ex, he has to learn on his own and you cant help him. Dont be friends with him.

 

Remember what you said made you come back?

 

"I think the reason I missed him is that he stopped contacting me, and I had time to think about what I really want. Its very confusing to try and work it out when you have attention thrown at you from all angles; you pick the newest shiniest thing."

 

Smokey said the same thing, and you know what it worked for me too. You sit there and very confused for a long time and you work out all possible angles and finally its like a lightbulb moment. You are like WTF just happened, what did I do, and you panic and do crazy things like you did. I did the same thing.

 

Your ex might be going through GIGS right now, but I will warn you, guys go through it longer because we dont care. Unless he's really self aware and starts self sabotaging things, it might take a while. I think my entire process from start to end was 14 months from 1-4.

 

 

Definitely. I subscribe to gigs because I have been reading around it since my ex got with this chick and the stages just fit me perfectly. And yeah it sounds about right that guys go through it slower; sort of expected it.

 

I'm not saying my ex has GIGS for sure but there's some patterns; he has just settled for someone who he is totally incompatible with (check), jumped into it (check), still wanting to sow his oats (check), still wanting to be friends (check), I could go on...

 

And yeah, do not worry, I sacked off the friend thing a while back. We were forced to go on holiday together at the start of December as it had been booked for ages to see our mutual friends. But since then I've been NIC and as of 2 weeks NC. Interestingly on the holiday he was the one who initiated any form of physical contact with me; cuddling like we used to, even spooning on the sofa (?!) but his actions did not match his words "I really want to make it work with this new girl" etc.

[gibson]

I idolize the notion of love. Finding someone worth the commitment of my very life and being is the most important thing in the world to me. If i find someone i am happy with, i feel no pressure whatsoever to leave and date around and 'have fun'. Infact, that is the first time i have ever heard that. What pressure is there to date around? If you find someone you are happy with what problem is there?

 

But, i can't wrap my head around the notion of breaking up with someone you still care about because of circumstance. Its an idiotic notion to me when finding a partner is such an important part of life. If you love someone then you make it work.

 

If you date people in the 16 - 25 age range... You are in for one hell of a bumpy ride, my friend. You are going to have your heart broken many, many times.

 

i myself am dating a 20 year old right now. and i'm much older than even you. the 20 year old i dated before her (3 years prior) was the same way...and even the one i dated that was 18 when i was 22...she turned out to be just as fickle and undecided in life. and yeah, i'm banking on a "heartbreak" that something will happen and she'll find "greener grass" but that's just age, man.

 

All insult aside just realize that a girl that young (or even a guy) is damned likely to start having wandering thoughts.

 

if you want to blame yourself for this or look for reasons not to? no, you shouldn't. i'd almost guarantee you could have done nothing differently to stop what happened.

 

Most people on LS are like you... They expect people in the 16 - 25 age group to know who they are, know what they want and know what love is. They also think everyone in that age group are looking to find their life partner (which most aren't, they are just kicking tires) and want to be married (most don't, just having fun until they are ready to settle down).

 

Don't confuse dating / relationship / "courting" with love and marriage (or your attitude and approach to love, dating, relationships)... They are not the same.

 

I've been watching your story and your Ex has GIGS. You think you have "Won" but because of your view on dating, love and relationships... if your Ex actually does meet with you (which I wouldn't be surprised if she cancels), she will be be running for the hills afterwards.

 

She wants to live it up and have fun, you want a heck of a lot more. You will only be able to "fake it" for so long until your true nature comes out. Once it does, it will be an instant turn off to her (GIGS person) and she will disappear again. Your Ex wants to see what is out there, date the "bad boys", hang with friends, experience the world, party, sot her wild oats, etc.

 

It's not to say that she doesn't "love" you or have feelings for you... It's just and age / timing thing. Your Ex isn't going to want what you want for another 5 years or so and there is nothing you can do about it.

 

Of course you won't believe me, will not listen and will have to learn the hard way like the rest of us but that's okay. In the end you win, because you will meet someone that believes what you believe and wants what you want and you two go riding off into the sunset together.

[PelicanPete]

This quote right here makes me want to reach through my computer and punch you in the face for telling someone that they are settling when in fact, they learn unconditional love.

 

Youre an idiot. People like you that throw out the word immaturity or emotional immaturity are emotionally immature.

 

This story is about emotional growth, something you need to start doing.

 

If you do not understand a concept, ask questions. Nothing in love is logical. Thats why you are on this forum, because you are black and white and think love conforms to logic. It doesnt, it conforms to emotions and feelings.

 

What makes you think it's unconditional love? All you really did was insult him rather then explain your point.

[wilsonx]

What makes you think it's unconditional love? All you really did was insult him rather then explain your point.

 

People are telling the OP what she actually thought, felt and believed is not what she felt, thought and believed....

 

Did you not see this?

 

So when I comment on it, in my own way, what did you do? You called me out on it? By the way who are you? Why are you reading GIGS threads? Im pretty sure you dont believe in them yet you continue to click on them and try to highlight my actions that you dont like

[rob_h]

Boom, touché Gibson. My 80 year old nana told me when I was 18 not to settle down till I was much, much older. At the time I thought it was bull****. Seems she understands it better than a lot of people.

[PelicanPete]

People are telling the OP what she actually thought, felt and believed is not what she felt, thought and believed....

 

Did you not see this?

 

So when I comment on it, in my own way, what did you do? You called me out on it? By the way who are you? Why are you reading GIGS threads? Im pretty sure you dont believe in them yet you continue to click on them and try to highlight my actions that you dont like

 

I was just browsing the forums

 

No need to get defensive. All I asked was why you thought it was unconditional love, and rather then answer you want to measure dicks instead. I'm still eagerly awaiting an answer to my simple question.

 

You must know who I am, otherwise you wouldn't know my point of view, so that was awfully silly of you. You said yourself if you don't understand a concept, ask questions. So I'm asking.

[smokey bear]

Thanks smokey, yeah we were together from 17 (me) 18 (him) to May this year (21 and 22). Both first loves, first everything. Together for 3.5 years.

 

 

I believe this wont be your last encounter with gigs, i think you may experience it again in the future.

 

My ex and i both had the 3 year itch and now the 7 year itch. Im not saying it will happen but it may happen again. Your experience was short just be on guard for it in the future.

 

I think the reason I missed him is that he stopped contacting me, and I had time to think about what I really want. Its very confusing to try and work it out when you have attention thrown at you from all angles; you pick the newest shiniest thing.

 

I agree with this, i did not consider my x again until i was truly alone with noone chasing me.

 

His rebound girl is 18 and the direct opposite of me. She's already incredibly jealous of his female friends etc. I'm just worried he will turn into a relationship hopper rather than focussing on himself (like ive been forced to) and finding happiness alone rather than jumping on the first thing to avoid being lonely. (Loneliness is a big problem for him; again this comes from the mother issues and when I started to go out and meet friends from college he got really down because all his friends had left to go to university. He does not enjoy his own company.)

 

During my gigs i was in a relationship, i didnt have time to work on myself and when i came back i was not happy with my inner self. You are correct there but it doesnt reflect on them coming back or not. Its an issue that will have to be dealt with at some point, dont worry about it just now.

 

 

 

There isnt enough details to confirm if your ex has gigs or not, i would agree you did though and would like to hear more about your story. After which i will ask about your ex.

 

 

"Its very confusing to try and work it out when you have attention thrown at you from all angles; you pick the newest shiniest thing."

 

 

This was something i needed to hear right at this moment in time, is it possible for you to expand on this?

[smokey bear]

As for your story, it sucks... trust me

 

Smokey and I are in the same boat right now, shes further ahead of the game then me and both ex's are GIGSing, same patterns that we followed to a T.

 

As for your ex, he has to learn on his own and you cant help him. Dont be friends with him.

 

Remember what you said made you come back?

 

"I think the reason I missed him is that he stopped contacting me, and I had time to think about what I really want. Its very confusing to try and work it out when you have attention thrown at you from all angles; you pick the newest shiniest thing."

 

Smokey said the same thing, and you know what it worked for me too. You sit there and very confused for a long time and you work out all possible angles and finally its like a lightbulb moment. You are like WTF just happened, what did I do, and you panic and do crazy things like you did. I did the same thing.

 

Your ex might be going through GIGS right now, but I will warn you, guys go through it longer because we dont care. Unless he's really self aware and starts self sabotaging things, it might take a while. I think my entire process from start to end was 14 months from 1-4.

 

Id like to correct this, we established this morning you were approx 12 months, for me it was 11.5 months. stage 1-end of stage 3

 

Start to finish approx 1.5-2 years

Edited January 13, 2012 by smokey bear

[rob_h]

Well I guess what I meant by that was when you have new guy chasing you and old guy (who you are presently less attracted to) on top of all that potential for singleness that you've been waiting for it is so easy to forget the intense love you felt for the ex when there are new infatuations in the way.

 

I was never fully committed to my rebound guy, since we were never official and I insisted to him that the reason I broke up with my ex was to be single. It annoyed me towards the end of rebound that he didn't want me to flirt with others. To me this is the same problem resurfacing. I NEED to live it up and be young. If I don't address this it will come back. And I'm taking this time now when my ex is unavailable to do just that. Luckily for me I have university life to distract me which is practically designed for sluttiness!

[smokey bear]

Sorry was this aimed at me? Short term I would like to understand this thing GIGS fully and make sure it never comes back.

 

The exact same reason as me. I research it in depth because i dont want to go through it again, i feel i may again.

 

In honesty you prob will experience it again in 3-4 years and again in a mid life crisis sort of way, i couldnt tell you to be sure though its something i havent researched, if it comes back.

 

Long term I would like reconciliation for sure but I can understand this could be a long long way off/never.

 

 

 

You may have a long wait ahead of you then, i hope you plan to date and move in the mean time but i will give all the support i can whatever you choose.