My GIGS experience, and consequences of my actions

[leoc1973]

We have been broken up for about 8 months. I always went nc with her and she would always initiate contact with me literally every month to month and a half like clockwork. I have heard that someone told her I read one of those get your ex back books where it says to go a month nc and then ask for coffee. So every time it would go longer than a month I think she would message me probably thinking that if I hadn't contacted her at that 30 day mark I might be slipping away for good.

 

So she would always contact me. I would never hide my feelings I don't like to play the games I would always ask her for a second chance. She would always decline. Well since this last time I didn't ask her for a second chance so she asked me if I was seeing anyone I said yes and now she is contacting me every day. Using pet names and being "cute"

 

And of course its only after I met someone new. I think its what it takes to snap women out of it sometimes but its too late usually

[rob_h]

So he just broke up with this girl and text me....

[smokey bear]

So he just broke up with this girl and text me....

 

 

What happened?

 

Be careful not to become a rebound to his rebound.

[rob_h]

What happened?

 

Be careful not to become a rebound to his rebound.

 

Uhh I don't know the full details. He said they are just very different people to me, but obviously that's not enough info....

 

 

This is exactly what I'm scared of happening with rebounding. Can it happen easily? He's talking to me a lot today. Which I guess is replacing the fact that she would usually be texting.

 

 

What would you say is the best way to approach this? LC? I want to be there for him but don't wanna give myself on a plate to him in any way.

[smokey bear]

Uhh I don't know the full details. He said they are just very different people to me, but obviously that's not enough info....

 

 

This is exactly what I'm scared of happening with rebounding. Can it happen easily? He's talking to me a lot today. Which I guess is replacing the fact that she would usually be texting.

 

 

What would you say is the best way to approach this? LC? I want to be there for him but don't wanna give myself on a plate to him in any way.

 

 

Are you ready for a recon?

 

You said in your post you still want to experience others

[rob_h]

Are you ready for a recon?

 

You said in your post you still want to experience others

 

That is a very good question.

 

I would definitely like to be with him eventually, and feel like if I don't take the next chance I may lose him forever. What GIGS taught me was that at the end of the day it doesn't matter who I experience because I have such a deep love for my ex now that I don't feel I can fully give myself to anyone else anyway... I know people like Record Producer will say that I am kidding myself and that it all feels real now when its not, but what can I do if this is what i feel for him?

 

I think the reason I want to experience others is that I'm scared GIGS will come back, rather than actually wanting to experience others for its own good. If that makes sense?

 

But then you say that it comes back anyway after 7 years or so? Is the lesson here to get it completely out of my system or to just work through it differently if it does come back? In a way I don't see the point in being single for single's sake if I'm going to get the same itch again later.

[smokey bear]

That is a very good question.

 

I would definitely like to be with him eventually, and feel like if I don't take the next chance I may lose him forever. What GIGS taught me was that at the end of the day it doesn't matter who I experience because I have such a deep love for my ex now that I don't feel I can fully give myself to anyone else anyway... I know people like Record Producer will say that I am kidding myself and that it all feels real now when its not, but what can I do if this is what i feel for him?

 

I think the reason I want to experience others is that I'm scared GIGS will come back, rather than actually wanting to experience others for its own good. If that makes sense?

 

But then you say that it comes back anyway after 7 years or so? Is the lesson here to get it completely out of my system or to just work through it differently if it does come back? In a way I don't see the point in being single for single's sake if I'm going to get the same itch again later.

 

 

Lol No you misunderstood what i meant, in all honesty just let natur take its course, there is nothing you can do to stop it or influence it

[Teuen101]

I think gigs is real..

 

However lets call a spade a spade...

 

it's called being selfish..

 

If you love some one and don't want to lose them b/c you want to be with otheres? ..thats selfish..thats not love. You need to let this guy go if you cannot give him your love b/c your thinking of your self.

 

Love is kind, giving, supporting, putting otheres needs before your own needs and them turning around and doing the same for you. that is love..

 

 

love isn't sitting around wondering about if somthing else is better..that screams your not happy with your self.

 

and only you can fix that problem. you'll never find it in anothere person.

 

if you don't believe me stay on the path your on and you will see..the next guy will be no better then the last.

 

and you'll still be unhappy

[worldgonewrong]

Teuen101 nailed it. Every word.

[marqueemoon4]

I agree with the idea that GIGS = selfishness/immaturity/insecurity.

[rob_h]

I agree with the idea that GIGS = selfishness/immaturity/insecurity.

 

 

Oi oi this is my thread, PLEASE don't turn it into another GIGS debate there are ****ing hundreds about. We all agree that one whatever level GIGS is down to emotional immaturity, that is not being questioned. But if you have any suggestions on how to achieve this emotional maturity then I will gladly accept them. I'm sorry that i was not born with this thing like some of you magically appear to be blessed with. Help is appreciated, not discussion about somethign we all fundamentally agree with.

[worldgonewrong]

Oi oi this is my thread, PLEASE don't turn it into another GIGS debate there are ****ing hundreds about. We all agree that one whatever level GIGS is down to emotional immaturity, that is not being questioned. But if you have any suggestions on how to achieve this emotional maturity then I will gladly accept them. I'm sorry that i was not born with this thing like some of you magically appear to be blessed with. Help is appreciated, not discussion about somethign we all fundamentally agree with.

 

Wow, then let's cut to the chase:

 

Things like empathy and sympathy - a couple hallmarks of emotional maturity - can't necessarily be taught.

 

Do you see yourself as innately empathic or sympathetic to others?

If so, then how do you actively show that to others?

It's one thing to cling to the idea of "I'm a good person", but it's another to question (and this goes for everyone) or examine how you put that into action.

 

Emotional maturity comes from the idea that one is aware of the actions that they have upon other people. An emotionally mature person evaluates the short-term AND long-term consequences of their actions upon others. It's a discipline, but one that can be effortless if it becomes habit.

E.g. You LIKE making someone happy and seeing how they respond in kind. Therefore, you exercise that selflessness.

 

And I guess that's key -- a fundamental part of emotional maturity is selflessness. Meaning: not always taking your own temperature, not always worried that the world's gonna fall down because you're bored or unhappy at any given moment, AND (crucially) not blaming others because they're not always living up to your expectations of happiness or excitement.

 

Some people are givers, some people are takers, and a lot fall in the middle comfortably. It's up to each person to honestly look themselves in the mirror and see themselves.

 

Nobody's gonna wave a magic wand one day over your forehead and announce, "Voila! You have now been gifted emotional maturity!"

The validation of emotional maturity arrives when you see the positive effect(s) you have on other people.

[Dark Phoenix]

Wow, then let's cut to the chase:

 

Things like empathy and sympathy - a couple hallmarks of emotional maturity - can't necessarily be taught.

 

Do you see yourself as innately empathic or sympathetic to others?

If so, then how do you actively show that to others?

It's one thing to cling to the idea of "I'm a good person", but it's another to question (and this goes for everyone) or examine how you put that into action.

 

Emotional maturity comes from the idea that one is aware of the actions that they have upon other people. An emotionally mature person evaluates the short-term AND long-term consequences of their actions upon others. It's a discipline, but one that can be effortless if it becomes habit.

E.g. You LIKE making someone happy and seeing how they respond in kind. Therefore, you exercise that selflessness.

 

And I guess that's key -- a fundamental part of emotional maturity is selflessness. Meaning: not always taking your own temperature, not always worried that the world's gonna fall down because you're bored or unhappy at any given moment, AND (crucially) not blaming others because they're not always living up to your expectations of happiness or excitement.

 

Some people are givers, some people are takers, and a lot fall in the middle comfortably. It's up to each person to honestly look themselves in the mirror and see themselves.

 

Nobody's gonna wave a magic wand one day over your forehead and announce, "Voila! You have now been gifted emotional maturity!"

The validation of emotional maturity arrives when you see the positive effect(s) you have on other people.

 

This is a black and white explanation of what you think emotional maturity is. the whole part of emotional maturity is when you see the effects of YOUR actions on other people, not just positive but negative.

 

Having gone through what roberta has gone through, I can tell you shes in the process of learning it on her own. I agree with your response that its not a magic wand, its a process and when it hits it hits.

 

Empathy and compassion are learned through this process, some people call it GIGS, I call it burn out, its the same thing. Theres a saying, sometimes you have to jump off a cliff several times to understand how your actions affect you and others. She doesn't understand it now at this very moment but she has it in her and through the next year, all these things will make sense to her.

 

Quit bashing the poor girl, let her learn about herself through this process.

[rob_h]

This is a black and white explanation of what you think emotional maturity is. the whole part of emotional maturity is when you see the effects of YOUR actions on other people, not just positive but negative.

 

Having gone through what roberta has gone through, I can tell you shes in the process of learning it on her own. I agree with your response that its not a magic wand, its a process and when it hits it hits.

 

Empathy and compassion are learned through this process, some people call it GIGS, I call it burn out, its the same thing. Theres a saying, sometimes you have to jump off a cliff several times to understand how your actions affect you and others. She doesn't understand it now at this very moment but she has it in her and through the next year, all these things will make sense to her.

 

Quit bashing the poor girl, let her learn about herself through this process.

 

 

Thank you so much, you are totally right by the way. I am definitely learning through my actions and learning to appreciate a good thing when I have it. Just as an example, i am much much more grateful for everything I receive now, be it a gift from a friend, or a gesture from a strange, this has totally opened my eyes. I'm not there yet but I can say that I am 50 times a better person now than i was when i was going through this phase.

 

Dark Phoenix, are you male? I find it really interesting that you have been through this as it seems to me that girls (being in general much more self aware) tend to be the ones that face this thing that grips them. Could you shed some light on your experience and learnings?

[rob_h]

This is a black and white explanation of what you think emotional maturity is. the whole part of emotional maturity is when you see the effects of YOUR actions on other people, not just positive but negative.

 

Having gone through what roberta has gone through, I can tell you shes in the process of learning it on her own. I agree with your response that its not a magic wand, its a process and when it hits it hits.

 

Empathy and compassion are learned through this process, some people call it GIGS, I call it burn out, its the same thing. Theres a saying, sometimes you have to jump off a cliff several times to understand how your actions affect you and others. She doesn't understand it now at this very moment but she has it in her and through the next year, all these things will make sense to her.

 

Quit bashing the poor girl, let her learn about herself through this process.

 

 

Thank you so much, you are totally right by the way. I am definitely learning through my actions and learning to appreciate a good thing when I have it. Just as an example, I am much much more grateful for everything I receive now, be it a gift from a friend, or a gesture from a stranger, this has totally opened my eyes to what I have and the value that I should place on someone's actions, rather than taking things for granted. I'm not there yet but I can easily say that I am 50 times more of a better person now than I was when I was going through this "phase".

 

Dark Phoenix, are you male? I find it really interesting that you have been through this as it seems to me that girls (being in general much more self aware) tend to be the ones that face this thing that grips them. Could you shed some light on your experience and learnings?

[smokey bear]

This is a black and white explanation of what you think emotional maturity is. the whole part of emotional maturity is when you see the effects of YOUR actions on other people, not just positive but negative.

 

Having gone through what roberta has gone through, I can tell you shes in the process of learning it on her own. I agree with your response that its not a magic wand, its a process and when it hits it hits.

 

Empathy and compassion are learned through this process, some people call it GIGS, I call it burn out, its the same thing. Theres a saying, sometimes you have to jump off a cliff several times to understand how your actions affect you and others. She doesn't understand it now at this very moment but she has it in her and through the next year, all these things will make sense to her.

 

Quit bashing the poor girl, let her learn about herself through this process.

 

 

Its nice to meet you phoenix id like to hear your experience as well

[worldgonewrong]

This is a black and white explanation of what you think emotional maturity is. the whole part of emotional maturity is when you see the effects of YOUR actions on other people, not just positive but negative.

 

Having gone through what roberta has gone through, I can tell you shes in the process of learning it on her own. I agree with your response that its not a magic wand, its a process and when it hits it hits.

 

Empathy and compassion are learned through this process, some people call it GIGS, I call it burn out, its the same thing. Theres a saying, sometimes you have to jump off a cliff several times to understand how your actions affect you and others. She doesn't understand it now at this very moment but she has it in her and through the next year, all these things will make sense to her.

 

Quit bashing the poor girl, let her learn about herself through this process.

 

You are correct: and negative effects should be factored in.

It only looks black&white if the positive is strictly taken into consideration.

And p.s. I'm not bashing her. The same rules apply to me in what I put forth.

[KathyM]

Maybe I'm going against the tide here, but I don't believe what the OP was experiencing is GIGS. I think that because she was only 17 and was with the bf for 4 years, she just wanted her freedom and ability to live her youth like her friends and classmates were--young and free--not tied down. It's not that she was looking for someone better, it was that she was looking for some freedom. After she got that need met for living that life like her friends did, she realized that she missed having a close relationship with somebody and she missed the companionship of the first bf, who she felt closer to than the subsequent one, and that is why she wanted to get back. The thing is, she broke the trust she had with the first bf by leaving him. Once that trust is broken, it's hard to get it back. He realizes he can't count on her, because she left him once, and he can no longer count on her not doing it again, and he can't get past the feeling of her not wanting or valuing him enough to stay in the relationship. The insecurity he feels because she left him makes others seem more attractive who have not left him. When someone doesn't appreciate enough what they had to the point of leaving, it's hard to feel valued enough or secure enough when that person wants you back. So it is the broken trust, insecurity and feelings of not being valued enough that are preventing him from taking you back. He may have taken you back regardless if there was no one else in the picture for him, but as soon as someone who interested him enough came into the picture, those things that I mentioned (broken trust, insecurity and feelings of not being valued) became more obvious to him, and he's opting for the person who has not made him feel that way. That's my take on this.

[RecordProducer]

Nobody's gonna wave a magic wand one day over your forehead and announce, "Voila! You have now been gifted emotional maturity!"

The validation of emotional maturity arrives when you see the positive effect(s) you have on other people.

She's only 21. If she could be "emotionally mature" by your standards at this age, I would actually think something's wrong with her. She's a normal young girl, trying to find herself and what makes her happy.

 

Just as an example, i am much much more grateful for everything I receive now, be it a gift from a friend, or a gesture from a strange, this has totally opened my eyes. I'm not there yet but I can say that I am 50 times a better person now than i was when i was going through this phase.

I was much more selfish and careless when I was younger. I just didn't see things the way I see them now.

 

So, Roberta, how would you handle it if your ex didn't want to get back together with you? For how long would you be willing to wait or try to prove your love to him?

 

My ex has this syndrome, but in his age it's not healthy. He divorced three wives and is now dating some ex-convict/gold digger. (I am not comparing you to him, by the way). His whole life he jumped from one woman to another, looking for something that he obviously couldn't find. He also has commitment problems and doesn't stay in a relationship for too long. I know he will dump his girlfriend as soon as she mentions the word marriage, then move onto the next woman. I think this is true GIGS, but I can tell you, I would never take him back. If he didn't love me enough to stay with me, why would I take him after he tries out a few more women? How could I ever believe him that he loved me or that he realized later that I was the one? Any thoughts on this? He hasn't tried to come back, but I know he will, and I want to have the strength to say "no" AND mean it. If for no other reason, he will do it to shake my world. He already did it when I found someone else 3 years ago; we got back together at that time and broke up again within a week or two. He just wanted to regain his position. Again, I am not seeing you in his behavior; in his age, he is not supposed to act like a Peter Pan. He replaced a steak with a rotten hot dog, a wife who loved him with a whore.

 

Smokey, you're welcome to comment on this, too, ... or anyone who wants to comment (of course, in the context of this thread - maybe compare or contrast - I don't mean to hijack OP's tread).

Edited January 20, 2012 by RecordProducer

[smokey bear]

I have no interest in turning this thread into a "debate what gigs is thread" there are already a million other "debate what gigs is" threads out there.

[Dark Phoenix]

I see 40+ years olds on this site that are emotionally immature.

 

Age has nothing to do with emotional maturity. What she went through is burnout or gigs. It exists. I went through it at 28. There's a recognizable pattern and for people to say, oh I dont believe in it, its silly.

 

Midlife crisis exists, its the same thing, just named differently. Its a burnout or GIGS. These people do it in their late 30s, 40s, and 50s.

Edited January 21, 2012 by Dark Phoenix