A short sweet friendship!

[Gentlegirl]

To what extent do you think the A either prepares you for future relationship pitfalls or perhaps leaves you a little more cautious than you need to be????

 

In the last couple of weeks I had a couple of dates with a really nice gentleman. He seemed to tick all the boxes. He was widowed about 10 months ago.

 

During the course of our two lunches and some phone calls I learned that:

 

He had legal guardianship of his 7 yearold grandson, who lived with him half the week.

 

His daughter is a recovering drug addict who is not overly interested in parenting and dumps the child with him whenever she pleases.

 

During our last date, he suggest another outing this week, which seemed ok with me. THEN he told me it was his time with the grandson and that he would be coming along. I backed out a gracefully as I could and have since ended our friendhsip. I could envisage all kinds of difficuties down the track.

 

This post probably belongs on another forum. I do not feel comfortable posting anywhere else. I do wonder though if the A has made me see red flags everywhere. In this case they were flapping wildly all over the situation.

 

Before the A, I would have thought the man was doing a wonderful thing and felt sorry for him. I still think those things, but nobody else's problems are going to be mine.

 

All the best,

 

GG

[LadyGrey]

I'm glad you brought this subject up as it's been on my mind a lot lately. I went out on my 1st date after my fiasco just a couple of weeks ago. Since then I've went over it quite a few times in my mind as I see it now as I probably should have been wise enough not to go in the 1st place, but on the other hand I'm proud of myself for not going the 2nd time. So I've learned something but yet I still feel like a fish out of water and let's face it, when you are a bit older as we are, it seems harder doesn't it?

 

The situation you described below does present some warning signs I agree but yet it's not as clear cut as mine as he was clearly an asshat.

 

I'm rambling GG but I think all we can do is keep doing it and the more we do, the more we will feel in control and capable of separating the good from the bad.

 

Part of me hates being cynical but part of me feels like I was way too trusting before. Now I have to protect me but it's hard to navigate it isn't it?

 

To what extent do you think the A either prepares you for future relationship pitfalls or perhaps leaves you a little more cautious than you need to be????

 

In the last couple of weeks I had a couple of dates with a really nice gentleman. He seemed to tick all the boxes. He was widowed about 10 months ago.

 

During the course of our two lunches and some phone calls I learned that:

 

He had legal guardianship of his 7 yearold grandson, who lived with him half the week.

 

His daughter is a recovering drug addict who is not overly interested in parenting and dumps the child with him whenever she pleases.

 

During our last date, he suggest another outing this week, which seemed ok with me. THEN he told me it was his time with the grandson and that he would be coming along. I backed out a gracefully as I could and have since ended our friendhsip. I could envisage all kinds of difficuties down the track.

 

This post probably belongs on another forum. I do not feel comfortable posting anywhere else. I do wonder though if the A has made me see red flags everywhere. In this case they were flapping wildly all over the situation.

 

Before the A, I would have thought the man was doing a wonderful thing and felt sorry for him. I still think those things, but nobody else's problems are going to be mine.

 

All the best,

 

GG

[Spark1111]

GG, if you know you are not interested in raising someone else's grandchild, that is fine and you should have said so.

 

I think he was honest and upfront with you.

 

What does he do the other half of the week? Could you have met the grandson and seen how the evening went, then maybe told him your feelings about child-rearing?

 

The man is a widow, which demonstrates he can sustain a long=term relationship. God willing, he was faithful and devoted all those years. He is also demonstrating tremendous forebearance in raising an unwanted child. Pretty amazing in this selfish day and age.

 

You do not have to marry him, fercryingoutloud. But if he seemed like a decent guy, another date or two wouldn't have killed you. Get to know the person before you make a decision.

 

The ONLY romantic relationship WITHOUT reality is an affair. Everyone else is going to carrying around a pretty big dose of their everyday life when you meet them, IMHO.

[LadyGrey]

I'm going out on a limb here and maybe I'm assuming wrong about gg's concerns but what I see that would concern me is this guy's willingness to bring a young child on a date. Clearly the child has had some trauma in his life and to me I would question someone's judgement about having someone around him unless they had proved to be trustworthy. Is that along the lines of what your concerns were gg?

 

I love your posts Spark but that one seemed a little harsh and a little off the mark.

[anne1707]

My concern would be that you would be meeting his grandchild too soon. The child has obviously had a difficult time and hopefully this man as the grandfather is bringing some stability and much needed love. However whilst it is understandable that he would want you to meet the child, your relationship is very, very new. Is it really right for the child to meet you and for you to possibly disappear within a few weeks because things have not worked out when they need certainty in their life. I think you are right to be concerned but on the basis that it is too soon - maybe try talking to him about this and see what he thinks about taking things more slowly.

[Spark1111]

I'm going out on a limb here and maybe I'm assuming wrong about gg's concerns but what I see that would concern me is this guy's willingness to bring a young child on a date. Clearly the child has had some trauma in his life and to me I would question someone's judgement about having someone around him unless they had proved to be trustworthy. Is that along the lines of what your concerns were gg?

 

I love your posts Spark but that one seemed a little harsh and a little off the mark.

 

You know what?

 

You are right!

 

GG, I apologize. Both LG and Anne make very valid points here.

 

It is too soon to meet a grandchild. Tell him so.

[goldengirl86]

Perhaps he was testing you at the time to see what your reaction would be. i mean the kid is obviously in his life, so he though to include you in his activities. You obvioulsy decided you did not want to which is fair enough.

I would not have read so much into to be quite honest and if you liked him i would have went along. However, you know what you want and that is a drama free relationship without too many complications so if you think it is better to bow out early before you get too attcahed then that is your choice.

[Gentlegirl]

I'm going out on a limb here and maybe I'm assuming wrong about gg's concerns but what I see that would concern me is this guy's willingness to bring a young child on a date. Clearly the child has had some trauma in his life and to me I would question someone's judgement about having someone around him unless they had proved to be trustworthy. Is that along the lines of what your concerns were gg?

 

I love your posts Spark but that one seemed a little harsh and a little off the mark.

 

Being an early childhood educator and principal of a school for many,many years, my primary concern was about the little boy. I didn't feel it was at all appropriate to take him on a date with a stranger. I questioned it and the guy said don't worry about him, he'll survive.

 

Spark, I AM looking for a full time relationship before I get too ancient to enjoy it. It wasn't going to happen with him, his 40 year old dysfunctional daughter and the poor little grandson. A good man, but still trying to rehabilitate and support a 40 year old addict

 

I am mindful of getting things right for myself next time and being honest along the way. 64 is no spring chicky and it's not easy as you get older.

 

Thanks as always for your input,

 

GG

[LadyGrey]

You did good GG, very good. Pat yourself on the back.

 

It sounds like that child has been through a lot of trauma and your concern is right on the money. Perhaps your date has too much on his plate right now with all that and the recent loss of his wife and maybe his decision skills aren't up to standard regarding the grandson.

 

 

By saying no to the 2nd date under the circumstances, it shows you have good boundaries and it shows that you put someone else (the child) before yourself which is the kind and gracious thing to do.

 

 

 

 

Being an early childhood educator and principal of a school for many,many years, my primary concern was about the little boy. I didn't feel it was at all appropriate to take him on a date with a stranger. I questioned it and the guy said don't worry about him, he'll survive.

 

Spark, I AM looking for a full time relationship before I get too ancient to enjoy it. It wasn't going to happen with him, his 40 year old dysfunctional daughter and the poor little grandson. A good man, but still trying to rehabilitate and support a 40 year old addict

 

I am mindful of getting things right for myself next time and being honest along the way. 64 is no spring chicky and it's not easy as you get older.

 

Thanks as always for your input,

 

GG

[Gentlegirl]

Perhaps he was testing you at the time to see what your reaction would be. i mean the kid is obviously in his life, so he though to include you in his activities. You obvioulsy decided you did not want to which is fair enough.

I would not have read so much into to be quite honest and if you liked him i would have went along. However, you know what you want and that is a drama free relationship without too many complications so if you think it is better to bow out early before you get too attcahed then that is your choice.

 

That exactly right. I didn't want to lead anybody on, or just let things drift along when there were lots of aspects I could see as potential trouble.

 

Hope things are getting better for you.

 

GG

[MissBee]

To what extent do you think the A either prepares you for future relationship pitfalls or perhaps leaves you a little more cautious than you need to be????

 

In the last couple of weeks I had a couple of dates with a really nice gentleman. He seemed to tick all the boxes. He was widowed about 10 months ago.

 

During the course of our two lunches and some phone calls I learned that:

 

He had legal guardianship of his 7 yearold grandson, who lived with him half the week.

 

His daughter is a recovering drug addict who is not overly interested in parenting and dumps the child with him whenever she pleases.

 

During our last date, he suggest another outing this week, which seemed ok with me. THEN he told me it was his time with the grandson and that he would be coming along. I backed out a gracefully as I could and have since ended our friendhsip. I could envisage all kinds of difficuties down the track.

 

This post probably belongs on another forum. I do not feel comfortable posting anywhere else. I do wonder though if the A has made me see red flags everywhere. In this case they were flapping wildly all over the situation.

 

Before the A, I would have thought the man was doing a wonderful thing and felt sorry for him. I still think those things, but nobody else's problems are going to be mine.

 

All the best,

 

GG

 

Hey GG,

 

Not only because of my A, but the fact that most men I have dated seem to be emotionally unavailable, it does make me leery. I also realize that a large part of why I attracted them is because of me and me being that way as well, so trusting my own judgment is what I struggle with. But in the end I think we have perfect intuition and if we don't feel right about a situation it's for a reason.

 

We all need standards and boundaries and a balance between being super guarded and open enough. I think the less boundaries and self worth you have the more you talk yourself into "giving chances" and make excuses and convince yourself into putting up with situations you do not feel comfortable with and guilt yourself into feeling like a bad person for having standards. Nothing is wrong with deciding that that situation is not right for you GG. He may not be a bad guy but evidently you are not down for his situation. Both you and he are better off if you did not pretend it was okay for you. No man is your last chance and there may very well be a woman who would like or not mind that setup and for you, a man with a better setup.

 

However there is an article about assessing the risk of threat in relatigonship scenarios and whether it is internal and based on your own fears and beliefs or a warning from your intuition based on external evidence. I struggle with that, but most times my distrust is based in reality. Here it is: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/assessing-the-threat-level-working-out-whether-your-fears-are-genuine-or-misplaced/

Edited January 13, 2012 by MissBee

[MissBee]

I'm going out on a limb here and maybe I'm assuming wrong about gg's concerns but what I see that would concern me is this guy's willingness to bring a young child on a date. Clearly the child has had some trauma in his life and to me I would question someone's judgement about having someone around him unless they had proved to be trustworthy. Is that along the lines of what your concerns were gg?

 

I love your posts Spark but that one seemed a little harsh and a little off the mark.

 

Yes...it is a red flag when someone introduces you to their child/grandkids etc too soon. My ex made me meet his son after the 3rd date. I felt uncomfortable and weird about it but ignored it as I believed I was special and he was serious about me why (funny how we delude ourselves and put a positive spin on red flags). Pretty soon I was around his child all the time and I always felt like it was too soon to be around him so much....we broke up and I realized his issues and he would get new gfs every 3 months (literally) and would have them ALL around his child, one even lived at his house!

 

What was worse was that when we dated his son would ask how come I was always there and he would explain that he liked me and his son asked how come his mom wasn't his gf anymore? (He was divorced from his son's mom). Poor kid. He already had difficulty with the divorce and now my ex added me...I rationalized that we'd bge together for a long time and maybe marry so it was okay...wrong....we parted ways and he continued the cycle of having every woman he was with in his kid's life smh. So yeaa I don't support that and would see it as a red flag for a man to not know me well but want to do that. We always rationalize with well I am special...well he can tell I am "good' NO...no one with a kid needs to be that trusting or loose. I would respect a man more who explained that until after a while, he wouldn't do that. Especially since I would be able to trust that if we had a kid and it didn't work out he wouldn't put our child through that.

Edited January 13, 2012 by MissBee

[Gentlegirl]

I have read the article and I get it.

 

The set up was all wrong for me and the more I found out about it the more my gut was upset.

 

Since making my decision, my gut is at peace and that tells me that I did the right thing....putting up boundaries to protect myself.

 

Thinking back, there have been times in my life when I should have listened to those deep visceral warning but didn't I lived to pay the price as we have all done no doubt.

 

Thanks again,

GG

[MissBee]

I have read the article and I get it.

 

The set up was all wrong for me and the more I found out about it the more my gut was upset.

 

Since making my decision, my gut is at peace and that tells me that I did the right thing....putting up boundaries to protect myself.

 

Thinking back, there have been times in my life when I should have listened to those deep visceral warning but didn't I lived to pay the price as we have all done no doubt.

 

Thanks again,

GG

 

Great for you GG! That's such a great feeling! Best of luck with future dating ventures, with your boundaries and gut barometer in tact.

[Gentlegirl]

YOu just created a deja vu moment for me. One of the first times I went out with xMM he turned up with his grandson. We were going on a whole day excursion whale watching in a boat. I couldn't really back out as I was on the boat when they arrived.

 

It was terribly uncomfortable. I look back and see that xMM got some kind of warped pleasure out of introducing the 15 year old innocent to me. I don't know why or understand it. I had forgotten until now. Really weird. From time to time he looked for opportunities for me to be close to his kids or his grandkids. I always refused.

 

At least this gentleman is not married.

 

What your xMM does would amount to child abuse where I live. He could be reported to the authorities and investigated....it would happen in a blink.

 

Cheers... good weekend,

 

GG

[MissBee]

YOu just created a deja vu moment for me. One of the first times I went out with xMM he turned up with his grandson. We were going on a whole day excursion whale watching in a boat. I couldn't really back out as I was on the boat when they arrived.

 

It was terribly uncomfortable. I look back and see that xMM got some kind of warped pleasure out of introducing the 15 year old innocent to me. I don't know why or understand it. I had forgotten until now. Really weird. From time to time he looked for opportunities for me to be close to his kids or his grandkids. I always refused.

 

At least this gentleman is not married.

 

What your xMM does would amount to child abuse where I live. He could be reported to the authorities and investigated....it would happen in a blink.

 

Cheers... good weekend,

 

GG

 

Yes it was a mess! He's not a married man though, this was my single ex. I resented him for what he did/is doing to his child and I'm happy we broke up.

 

The guy with the gf did have me speak to his child on the phone though, when I had not asked, and it was VERY uncomfortable for me. Smh. Grown people can mess their own lives up and do as they see fit but when you add kids to the mix..it's another thing.

[Thunderbolt]

Hey GG -- to answer your initial question of whether an A prepares you or leaves you more cautious for a future R...I'd say both.

 

Initially, I'd find something wrong with everyone I dated. Finally, I stopped being so judgmental and comparative. I now find myself in a R with a widowed man with a young child. I tried starting a thread a little while back on the Dating section regarding this, but got very little reply.

 

We've been dating for a couple months and I've got to admit, I've been very reserved, given the situation. But, I realize that I've come a long way, because in the past, I would not have continued dating him due to his situation. The old me would be way too scared of being the one who gets hurt. I guess it's possible that I will get hurt, but it's also possible that this could continue to progress the way its been progressing. I could find something really amazing in a situation I was ready to bail on.

 

Your situation sounds a bit extreme. Your guy seems to have a lot on his plate. But, if you felt a connection with him, why not give it a shot. Yes, I understand that there is a child involved. But why can't you approach this in a friendly manner to start out with. No harm in it for the child, as their grandfather is allowed to have friends. If you start to develop feelings for him, then it's time to re-assess the situation. Just my $.02

[SunsetRed]

I for am am very glad to see GG and LG posting about their attempts at dating on this forum. I think it is appropriate for those of us who are trying to separate and move on from an xMM to get some coaching and support and encouragement from others who've supported us before.

 

I recently met a new guy (didnt go anywhere) and post on the Dating forum but I kinda wished I'd posted here instead. I received good advice on the dating forum, but still, from now on I may post my new attempts at dating here.

 

I do like one thing that Sparks said, the real dating relationships will offer more reality than an affair does. The affair is more of a fantasy relationship and on some level, I think most OWs know it wont go anywhere.

 

I am making the choice to move on and not be stuck and to not cling to any fantasy that my xMM is missing me and will one day show up on my doorstep. I am trying to date again and in the process I am confronting the ugly parts of myself, like my fear of intimacy and my rigidness about my schedule and not allowing myself time for someone to get to know me.

 

Well, good luck to GG and LG. Its so hard to get out there and try and we should be proud of ourselves for giving it a shot.

[Gentlegirl]

I agree with Spark about reality versus fantasy. I have had both in my life and know which is the more I treasure.

 

Anyway, there were lots of factors that led me to back off from this date. He told me the complete history of his daughter from the time she was 14 until now when she is 40... nothing has changed a lot. He is still holding her up during her drug episodes and trying to get her to be more responsible. I am in no way saying that he is doing the wrong thing.

 

I will be retiring from my profession in a few years time. I want to have a peaceful enjoyable, retirement..

 

Most of you have more years than I do to get it right the next time .

 

Keep on trying Red. I have been on a few dates. At first after the A ended, I would just rush home in panic. It's getting better now. GUT FEELINGS!!!

 

All the Best,

GG