PoppyLove's Coping Journal

[PoppyLove89]

Okay, so it's creeping up to the 3 month mark now (on January 30th) and it appears I am taking one step forward and two steps back lately. I'm filled with all this emotion and I have no outlet for it in my day-to-day life so I figure I'll just do what other LS users are doing and write a Coping Journal. It's purely for me to vent on; I need to get these feelings out because they're breaking me down.

 

Any advice, opinions, stories that you might have to share are very welcome!

 

Here Goes......

 

Ironically, I don't even know where to start. I'm sat here at my laptop and I just want to cry, I can feel a lump in my throat. What has happened to us?

 

A year ago we were still in the honeymoon phase, we'd been dating three months and things were going well. I'd never been so happy and you told me the same. This time last year, you'd just gone back to camp after your three week Christmas break; by far the best Christmas I've ever had, we spent every day and night together (unless I was working). I remember when you told me you loved me for the first time on my 21st birthday (Boxing Day).

 

I'd give anything to go back to those days...back to Winter '10. Little did I know what a difference a year would make. If I'd known then that we wouldn't even be together 12 months down the line, I'm not so sure I would have given my heart so freely. Your job was the biggest strain on our relationship by far. You always said "You knew I was training in the army when we first started going out, you knew what you were getting yourself into." - true, I knew you'd be away a lot but remember, I wasn't in love with you when we first started dating. I didn't miss you so much. As we grew closer, it became harder for both of us. I remember you'd wake up on a Sunday morning, me still in your arms, get up to go and have a shower, look back at me and go "this is bull****!" because you hated leaving me every week. By February you'd started contemplating leaving the army; it wasn't what you thought it would be and you hated what it was doing to us. I'll admit, selfishly I hoped you would leave, I wanted you safe and home. The thought of you being killed in Afghan was more than I could bare but I knew at the same time that this was exactly what you always wanted to do; I was torn as to what advice to give you.

 

Eventually, you decided to stick it out and we got into a routine; I got used to you being away from Monday to Fridays but I still missed you so much. I became jealous of other couples. Why was I not able to see the man I loved whenever I wanted? It wasn't fair.

 

In March we had our first serious row, I thought I'd lost you. I realise I was pushing you away when ironically I was pushing because I was scared of losing you to your job. I loved you so much and yet it seemed like everything was working against us. We powered through that blip and carried on as normal.

 

I remember when we went to a BBQ at your sister's house in April, it was hot for some reason and we were all having such a laugh bouncing around on the trampoline with your niece and nephews. I remember looking around and thinking, 'This is where I belong. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now.' And it's true. You're family became like my family, the first time I belonged anywhere in a really long time.

 

You went back to work in May and the first day back you kept ringing me for five minutes at a time before saying you had to go. Then you'd text me saying, "I'm really struggling to even speak to you on the phone. I miss you so much it's crazy." - I know you truly loved me once.

 

The 6 weeks we spent apart in June before your pass-out in July were hell for me. I missed you and felt like we were drifting apart; this frustrated you and I see why but know this, I never meant to be a nuisance, I just hated being apart from you. I cried a lot while you were away because I felt it was unfair of them to inflict 'Blanket Punishment' on you all just because three of you messed up.

 

You fell out with **** because he told me what you told him that day in March when we fell out, "I just wished she hadn't begged for me back, I hate hurting her by doing my job. We're always apart and I hate what I'm doing to her". - I can't help but wonder if this is the real reason why you ended up walking away from us? You don't want to hurt me anymore. I know you still love me. I know you're a guy who is very mind-over-matter. You like to be in control of your emotions and you hate showing them but I'm in your heart and you hate it. It's the one part of you that you can't control.

 

We spent the best summer together after your pass-out (which was one of the proudest moments of my life by the way! I was without a doubt the proudest girlfriend there and you looked so fit in your uniform!). We went to dinner, watched films, spent time with your family, went to the beach, shopping and then there was that hilarious day at the zoo! I think this summer was when you truly became my best-friend, I've never laughed so hard and so often.

 

You did let me down once though. The day of my operation? I know you said the night before that if I refused to stay over in the hospital and I came home with you and your mum that you'd be annoyed with me and that we'd fall out but I really thought you'd come and see me the next day anyway. I spent all day waiting on my own for my operation and when I got wheeled upstairs your mum was the last person I saw, she came back just in time! Then after the operation she passed me the magazines you bought for me but when I asked where you were she said "he's at home. I've told him I'm disgusted with him!" - You really didn't come and see me after my operation because I showed some weakness? You knew I was scared of hospitals and yet you couldn't set your views and opinions aside for my sake. If I had been you I would have thought to myself 'You know what, yeah, she messed up. She should have stayed in the hospital the night before the operation but at least she went through with it and it's done now." But you didn't even text me to see if I was okay, I had to text you first! Do you know what it felt like watching everyone else get visitors and I'm lying there all alone? Knowing my boyfriend would rather walk to his friend's house, which is a trek away, rather than jump in the car with his mum to come see me for a few minutes? Everytime the nurses came to check on me I felt like crying. I felt so let down by you and your stubbornness. I got an apology from you in the end but it took for me to break-down in tears the day I left hospital before you realised 'how much it hurt me'. That's the thing with you though isn't it? You think feelings and emotions are a sign of weakness. I wonder if this is what's keeping us apart?

 

Soon it was our One Year Anniversary (October 1st) and you got me a Tiffany's promise ring; "So you can look down when I'm away and know a part of me is always with you and one day I'll exchange it for a diamond one." - only a week or so earlier you'd mentioned the fact that you'd been thinking about proposing to me before you went to Afghan in 2013 so I know you were still thinking about us and our future together. Ironically, I'd only get to wear the ring for four weeks. It's in the back of my wardrobe now with the rest of your letters/cards/t-shirts (they still smell like you). Apparently you still wear the hoody I got you for our anniversary - though knowing you, you've probably detached all memories from it.

 

Our last Sunday together before the Sunday that we split, we spent at your sister's house. You went for a run and then when you came back we took your little nephew out. Remember him running along and us looking at each other and saying, "This is what it's gonna be like for us when we have kids?". Even then we still believed in our future. Life has many cruel twists and turns.

 

I'll admit our last week together was by far the worst, you were on leave. Not a day went by when we didn't bicker over something - and it was always something little and insignificant! I don't know what was going on but my gut instinct was telling me that things were starting to fall apart. We'd never sat in complete silence before and it was most definitely deafening! You always made an effort to make up though, I know we're both as stubborn as hell when we want to be! We're so alike that we click and we clash. We butt heads.

 

That Wednesday we went to look at your other sister's new apartment and we got all caught up in the idea of what it would like if we got one ourselves. We started talking about it seriously, we weren't planning on moving in together until February but hey, it would give us our own space and privacy right?

 

So our last Friday together rolled along, I was in work but was hoping for an early finish; which I got. I finished at half 9 and you were at ****'s house so I told you to take your time finishing your brew since you didn't plan on me finishing 'til 10.30. We spent the evening in each other's arms, eating chocolate and watching a film. I fell asleep in your arms and I can honestly say that I can't ever remember feeling so close to you - again, ironic. You woke up in the middle of the night and pulled me back into your arms as you realised I'd wriggled away in my sleep. Looking back and realising that this was the last night we'd ever spend together breaks my heart all over again. I was so happy in your arms; I always was. I felt safe there, it's where I belonged.

 

In the morning, I was grouchy since I had to be in work for 13 hours that day. You informed me that you'd be going to watch the football with your friends and I said 'Fair enough, am I staying over tonight since you go back to camp tomorrow?' You said, 'I'm not sure, I think they want me to go out with them tonight.' So I replied, 'Well okay but can you not meet me at like half 2 when I finish work? You'll already have been with them for over 13 hours?'...I'm guessing you didn't see it the way I did. You dropped me off at work and I was so angry with you - why weren't you willing to compromise? We only get two nights a week and it's not like I was asking you not to see your friends or go out, I was just asking you to meet me since I'd have been in work all day.

We text each other but I was so annoyed with you that I stopped replying.

 

The next day I tried to ring you but your phone was off, your battery always dies on a night out! So I walked up to your house. You let me in and the tension was palpable. I was still fuming and you'd started to get annoyed with my attitude. The argument escalated and in the heat of the moment I snapped, "You know what, just do what you want! I'm sick of being the only one who fights for this relationship. I can't be arsed anymore!" - This was in the heat of the moment, of course I could still be bothered, I was just angry! I never wanted to lose you but I guess it was one push too many. At first you were like "It's up to you if you leave now." but then you did a 180 and then it was me begging you not to end things. Eventually, there was no reasoning with you so I called a taxi. As I stood waiting you came and you hugged me. You had a tear rolling down your cheek and I could tell it was killing you too. As I left you shouted "I love you" behind me......

 

I text you two hours later asking you not to regret me or what we had and that if you ever missed me, you should call me and let me know since I didn't want to give up on us. You told me that you loved me and that you'd probably live to regret your decision, that you'd been going back and forth in your mind since I left and had no idea if you made the right decision or not. You were sick of us fighting and so was I. That night I text you I love you and you replied 'I love you too!'...that was the last time you said it to me.

 

You started distancing yourself from me. Though you still replied every time I text you and were even open to the idea of 'thinking about giving us a chance' if I left you alone for a couple days....of course, me being me, I had to keep pushing, I missed you so much and eventually I realised I'd lost you. You were confused and us arguing made up your mind.

 

I know you still love me, you wouldn't have stayed and heard me out. You wouldn't have kept replying to me. You wouldn't have rung me back when I asked you to...you completely shut your last ex out because you didn't care about her anymore. The day you broke-up with her, you stopped talking to her. I got two weeks for of 'I don't know' from you. I know you well enough to know that you weren't 100% on your decision, it was made mid-argument.

 

When I first bumped into you after the split, I felt like you hated me, you felt like a stranger to me. You seemed angry and hurt, I could see it in your eyes because I know you. What was my birthday all about? Showing up at the bar in my work knowing I'd be there. Your sister informed me on NYE that you still talk about me all the time and you told her you'd always love me.

 

Whatever your reasons behind it; know that I've been broken into pieces by this. I'm still heartbroken and the fact that I haven't heard from you makes me feel like you're happier without me. That you never truly loved me and that I was keeping you trapped. I still dream about you every night. I still cry. I felt like I was making progress, but I'm back to grieving.

 

I hope you find what you're looking for. I want you to be safe and happy.

 

I'll be alright.

 

I Love You.

[Philosoraptor]

Hi there Poppy. As you know already this man is not nor was at any point mature enough for a true relationship. His expectation seems to be that things come easy. In truth a relationship is constant work and not always easy.

 

From your details from the weeks and night before it seems obvious to me that he was going back and forth in his head back at that point and wanted the option to bail out. He wanted to leave his conscience guilt free by putting the ball in your court. In his mind you made the final call so he has one weight lifted off of his shoulder. I would pay no attention to what he tells others as he is hurting now and unsure what he wants, but even if he comes back he will likely bail again until the point that he has emotionally matured. His actions since leaving show no real effort to heal but instead he is using avoidance while trying to keep you close enough to know you are an option (key word). He also shows a lack of maturity as his aim seems not to heal, but to win. From everything you've posted in the past he wants to keep you down and keep tabs on you so he can move on first. Pay no mind to him, work on your inner peace as the only true victory is over one's self.

[PoppyLove89]

Thank you once again for your advice! I think you're right. His oldest sister even suggested he may have gotten cold feet when we started talking about moving in together seriously, it wasn't a notion anymore we were seriously planning on doing it...I guess hanging out with younger people doesn't help either. His friends are 4 years younger than him, all single and go out partying all the time - they don't have careers (unlike him) and they weren't in serious relationships (unlike him) - I guess he felt it was all a bit too grown-up for his liking once he saw what his friends were up to (he was pretty sheltered from their lives while he's been in the army as we lived in our own little bubble whenever he came home) and he just didn't have the guts to tell me to slow down. Bare in mind, he was coming up with most of the ideas himself so I was going along with it since I was happy to build a future with him. I had no idea how he felt.

 

So far he's given people these excuses for us not being together:

1) I don't have to be with one person forever. (That was news to me, he was constantly talking about our future and how he wanted to build a good life for us)

2) She's controlling and tried to stop me seeing my friends. (No, I would never dream of telling a boyfriend not to see his friends, I've no right to, but what's wrong with compromising when your job means you're never home as it is? Not like we had the freedom to be spontaneous.)

3) Some things don't change. (Well how can they when you won't tell me what's wrong???)

 

The only excuses I got were: 'I'm sick of the arguments' and 'I'm not putting my friends before you anymore.'

 

I should also note that he's been flirting with much younger girls since we split (17,18,19)...I guess this is because all his friends are younger anyway but also because there's no threat of things becoming serious either. However, given the fact that he's off to Afghan next year, I think that's when it'll hit him what he's let go of; I was faithful, honest, willing to wait for him, we were best-friends and loved each other (or so I thought) and even his uncle turned round on Xmas day when he found out we weren't together and told him; "Sort your bloody head out, lad! Girls like her don't come around every day."

 

I feel a fool! I trusted him and believed in everything he said to me but now it seems it was all for show...a completely different matter in his head.

Edited January 13, 2012 by PoppyLove89

[betterdeal]

<subscribes>

[PoppyLove89]

Today is another downer day. I seem to be questioning everything lately. I've been going over our last few months together over and over in my mind.

 

Were you always planning on leaving me in the end? Just waiting on the perfect opportunity to bail? If so, I think that's pretty ****ty of you. You should have loved me enough to at least be honest with me and had the balls to end it - not dragging it out in hopes that the opportunity presents itself that I'll do it first.

 

* I feel like an idiot now. I don't know if half the things you told me were true.

* I feel like an idiot for planning my future around you.

* I feel like an idiot for crying over someone who isn't giving me a second thought.

* I feel like an idiot for having begged you to give me the chance to change when in actual fact a) I didn't even know how you were feeling and therefore had no idea what I was doing was wrong/bothering you. and b) if you truly loved me you would have told me how you felt and you would have given us the chance to grow/work on things.

* I feel like an idiot for allowing you to get close enough to break my heart.

* Most of all, I feel like an idiot for believing you when you told me "I'll always love you. I can't wait for our future together. I'll never hurt you, I promise."

 

First I thought you were being cold/rude towards me because you were hurting too and it was your way of dealing with things but now I'm starting to think that you just genuinely no longer care.

 

I feel like I'm crazy in love with a guy who doesn't give a sh*t about me.

Edited January 13, 2012 by PoppyLove89

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like he is doing his best to regress instead of making any sort of progress. Things will get easier for you as long as you stay focused on yourself and work on healing inside.