white lies how much is too much?

[Smucks212]

Does anyone deal or put up with white lies from their boyfriend/girlfriend? I am not sure really where to draw the line, if I had been in a healthy relationship, I'm sure I would've known better, but right now I am a little confused....He will lie about whether he picked up a stupid toothbrush at the store for me, about whether he talked to this girl who doesn't like me on the phone, and about other friends he talks to on the phone....

 

For example, the other night I was on the phone with him and he got a beep and said he would call me back. After he called back he didn't mention anything about his friend who had called in the middle of our conversation so I asked what was up with his friend and he just explained that they were talking about how their "other friend" is going away for the summer the next day so he had hung out with him during the day to say goodbye. However this "other friend", I specifically talked to last week and has been gone since last week, therefore he couldn't have been hanging out with this guy....

 

Some history on our relationship is that we had been in an abusive relationship together for 3 years. He broke up with me last fall because of a really bad fight we had in front of his family that was phsyically abusive (me being the abuser). After a lot of therapy and work on myself, we got back together (three months later) and I have been able to show him the past 6 months that I will no longer repeat my abusive past.

 

During the abusiveness, he is very codependent, and would not tell me the truth about things because he was afraid of the reaction he would get from me. He is still donging that now, not as much, but he is still doing it which is making it hard to gain ack all of the trust we lost within each other. The thing is from the beginning of our relationship I have always aid how much I hate dishonesty and he knows that.

 

He said he also deosn't like it, he just panics sometimes and goes for the lie that will be the most "pleasing" to me instead of the truth....I don't know where to draw the line really. I love him so much and I realize we have so much work to do on our relationship and he does too, he seems really genuine about not wanting to lie anymore or stop it, but when the moment comes, he will resort to ahtt "little whie lie". I am willing to do whatever it takes to work with him to help him and I think he is too, but I knwo from myself when I was full of rage and anger, there was nothing that would stop me...and I knwo how hard it is to just change your behavior overnight, I just don't knwo how much longer I can hang on wondering whether I am getting the truth about these silly little things....

[FolderWife]

Well missy, if you want to be abusive, you are going to have to accept the fact that your significant other is afraid of you. My husband is emotionally abusive. He will nail into me over junk (like eating a happy meal, or forgetting to call the bank) and he will stew over it for 3 hours after he's bit my head off for nothing (like the door slamming, because of a hard gust of wind).

 

So believe it or not, this is all your fault. He is so not in the mood to have to jump all over him, and hurt his feeling, that he'd rather tell a fib to you, than risk having to listen to you run your mouth.

 

Don't even try to tell me that you'd not lay into him, if you found out the person who interrupted your phone convo was a girl you don't like....

 

If you REALLY ARE cured (which I don't believe for a second, after only 3 months) then you will have no problem no laying into him. You should NEVER make a personal remark (like "you're stupid") to him. You should NEVER yell at him, and if you do slip up andyell, you'd better hurry and apologize. If he does something that you don't like (like buying himself a burger, and not getting you anything) don't get mad at him, or mope around because he's so selfish. Give him a break. Don't EVER get mad at him for ANYTHING. Most likely, he's never doing anything to get angry over...you'r just touchy.

 

If you want complete honesty, then YOU are going to have to make it safe enough for him to be honest. Right now, it's not safe for him to be honest.

[Smucks212]

Thanks for your response, maybe I could ask you a question or two since you are in the opposite position and are/have gone through this with your husband?

 

I realize it is my fault, I take full responsibility for it and am sorry that I was ever like that to him every day because it doesn't show any love at all. It's just a mask for a lot of hurt, pain, abandonment, and angered I endured through my childhood and I realize that when I got mad at him, he really didn't do anything to deserve it or make me mad, it was just something that triggered me from when I was younger so instead of walking away and dealing with the pain myself, I took it out on him. Believe me, in no way shape or form do I think I am completely cured, I don't think I ever will be. I am going to stay in therapy for as long as I have to to make sure I maintain a healthy relationship and work through something if I feel I am goign to be abusive again.

 

Does your husband take responsibility for the times he gets angry with you when it is completely not your fault? YOu also mentioned never get mad at him for anything...I was wondering what you meant by that also, I mean there are valid reasons to be hurt, frustrated or in pain (all emotions that anger hides) so how would you want your husband to express something that he wasn't happy about if it involved you? I'm just wondering from your perspective, what would make you feel safe, what could he do or is it something you both would do?

 

Again thanks a lot, I appreciate it

[FolderWife]

Originally posted by Smucks212

Thanks for your response, maybe I could ask you a question or two since you are in the opposite position and are/have gone through this with your husband?

 

I realize it is my fault, I take full responsibility for it and am sorry that I was ever like that to him every day because it doesn't show any love at all. It's just a mask for a lot of hurt, pain, abandonment, and angered I endured through my childhood and I realize that when I got mad at him, he really didn't do anything to deserve it or make me mad, it was just something that triggered me from when I was younger so instead of walking away and dealing with the pain myself, I took it out on him. Believe me, in no way shape or form do I think I am completely cured, I don't think I ever will be. I am going to stay in therapy for as long as I have to to make sure I maintain a healthy relationship and work through something if I feel I am goign to be abusive again.

 

Does your husband take responsibility for the times he gets angry with you when it is completely not your fault? YOu also mentioned never get mad at him for anything...I was wondering what you meant by that also, I mean there are valid reasons to be hurt, frustrated or in pain (all emotions that anger hides) so how would you want your husband to express something that he wasn't happy about if it involved you? I'm just wondering from your perspective, what would make you feel safe, what could he do or is it something you both would do?

 

Again thanks a lot, I appreciate it

 

My husband does NOT take responsibility for his actions.

 

For example, the other day, he came to me, to get the wrapping off of his new DVD. I started picking at it. He smirked, "If you pull it here, it'll come right off, instead of just peices at a time." I started to pull it there, and it still wouldn't come, so I said, "It still won't come." At this point, I knew he was about to blow up. He said, "YOU'RE TEARING THE COVER OFF!!!!!" His eyes were huge, so I didn't say anything out of fear. He started ripping the plastic off of the DVD case, grabbed the picture on it, and threw it in the floor, and yelled, "IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED!?!?!?!?!"

 

I just sat there. He jumped up and yelled, "YOU'RE SO STUPID!!! YOU'RE THE STUPIDEST PERSON I'VE EVER MET!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW STUPID YOU ARE!!!" I just started crying.

 

2 days before, he promised to try and stop calling me names, expecially stupid, pig, or lazy.

 

Five minutes of crying later, I got dressed and left. I didn't know where I was going to go, so I ended up just driving around for an hour....until I felt calm enough to come home.

 

When I got home, he greeted me with a hug, and said he was sorry for calling me stupid. I said, "No you're not....if you were sorry, you'd quit doing it!" and pushed him away.

 

Mind you, it's RARE for him to ever apologize....but this was not a real apology...read on.

 

I went to the bathroom, and he said, "I am sorry," I replied, "You do things SOLEY to hurt me! You are not sorry!" He said, " I don't do things just to hurt you, you do stupid things, so I call you stupid "

 

I said, "See, you think it's MY FAULT that you called me stupid!" He said, "It is your fault!"

 

See, apology NOT accepted.

 

NEVER GET MAD AT ANYONE!!!!

 

My husband didn't have to get mad at this situation. He couldn've said quickly, "No, don't tear that! You'll rip the cover off! Here, tear it here." and I wouldn't have been scared at all.

 

Show your true emotion. Anger should not be an emotion. Show sadness, because he hurt your feelings by talking to another girl. Sadness shows vulnerability, which will make him comfort you (if he truely loves you) Show sadness because he lies to you, and that hurts you. Don't show anger, because he talks to another girl, and you don't like it, show your true feelings, which are sadness, and fear. Sadness and fear that you could lose him to another girl. Sadness that he doesn't respect you enough to not talk to someone you don't like.

 

DON'T LET ANGER BE AN EMOTION YOU SHOW OR FEEL. I don't get angry at my husband. I get sad because he hurts me. Sometimes, the frustration starts to show, but rather than throw things, or say things that I don't mean (like he does) I go for a drive...sometimes, I go shopping

 

I promised God for better or worse with my husband. Right now, things are rosey, but I still walk on eggshells around him. He's got so much anger, because of his messed up childhood, and while I lose sight of that sometimes, I try to keep it in mind that when he's lashing out at me over something stupid (like letting the door slam) he's not angry at me, he's angry about something in his past. Maybe his mom knocked him backwards for letting the door slam in his house, and now he gets this twinge of fear when the door slams. Maybe his little brother slammed the door in his face whenenver they'd have a fight, and it triggers sadness in him. Both emotions he masks WELL with anger and MADNESS.

 

I can see the different looks in my husband's eyes. I can see sadness sometimes in his eyes, when he's saying mean and hurtful things to push me away. I realize at that time that now is not the time to storm off mad at his attitude, but rather to kiss his forehead, and tell him I love him. I see fear sometimes. I hug him at that time.

 

If he were TRUELY mad at me, he wouldn't let me hug or kiss on him, so I know he's not angry at me. He's scared or hurt....both emotions that cause someone to push someone away, but both emotions need that someone to hold on tight.

 

I know how it feels to be sad. I know how it feels to be scared. I dont' mask it though.

 

Admit, you wouldn't lash out, if your feelings weren't hurt, or you weren't scared. The only way you've ever learned to deal with those feelings is to lash out. I learned to deal with them in a healthier, more productive way. I learned to calmly talk to someone. No one listens when you yell.....if you are yelling at someone, and telling them how you feel, they are just going to be terrified of you. If you think about how you're feeling, figure out all the details of it (writing in a diary, or talking on here helps me sort my feelings out) then you can TELL the person hurting you how they're hurting you, and the steps they could take to make you comfortable with the situation, then they hear you, they can understand you, and they can consider you.

 

When you get sad, you don't know why, usually, at first. Therefore, your first impulse is to get mad. Anger pushes the other person away, AND hurts them as much as you feel hurt. Therefore, you think, "They won't hurt me again, because now they know how it feels to be hurt." However, people sometimes don't get it......so they DO do it again, because they have no idea how or why you were hurt in the first place.

 

If you can calmly voice it, they have a better chance of getting it.

 

Example: He get's off the phone with you, so he can talk to a girl that you don't like on the phone.

 

You A: Get angry at him, and don't answer his call when he calls {This punishes you, because what you REALLY want to do, is talk to him, and make up.....this also hurts him, because he doesn't know what he did wrong, and you are hurting him for no reason in his eyes}

 

You B: Answer the phone when he calls, and tell him calmly that it hurts your feelings that he'd talk to someone you don't like OVER you. Tell him that if he wants to talk to her, he shouldn't do it on your TOGETHER time. Tell him you don't care if he talks to her, because you are not his mother, and he's allowed to talk to any girl he wants, even if you don't like it. Tell him that you WISH, or WOULD LIKE it if he didn't talk to her out of RESPECT for you and how you feel about her, but it's up to him. Tell him that when you, his girlfriend, are available to talk to him, you would love it if he'd talk to you, and not someone else. Tell him it feels like he doesn't care enough about you, if he'd chose to talk to someone else when he could be talking to you.

 

Isn't B how you're really feeling?

 

If he continues to talk to her, and DOESN'T respect you and your decision not to like her, then you can feel free to talk to any boy that you like. If he would bring it up as something that bothers him, let him know that you don't feel comfortable respecting him enough to not talk to certain boys, when he doesn't respect you enough to not talk to certain girls for you. Tell him that since he doesn't respect you enough to not talk to a particular girl that you don't like, you don't think your relationship is close enough for him to tell you who you can and can't talk to.

 

Sorry to write a book. I just want to be clear...this is a touchy subject for me.

 

Any more questions?