Am I being too selfish?

[shane147]

Ok, quick background on our marriage / life together, then please feel free to share your thoughts.

 

We were high school sweethearts who became pregnant toward the end of our senior year. We chose to get married and raise our family together. We both worked our way through college, then moved away from home to begin our career's.

 

The first move, she was a little reluctant, but in the end, it turned out to be a good move. After a few years of living in a larger town, we moved away to a very large city. (Again, she was very reluctant, but went along.) She later said it was a good move for her.

 

After a few years of doing the *job* i was in, I sort of went into business for myself. (I have an entrepreneurial spirit). The business essentially failed... I'll agree that it was my failure. So, I went back into the same *job* that I was in to begin with, and made a rather measley, yet steady salary.

 

Fast forward a few years, I get into a somewhat different line of work. This job was extremely difficult to get, and required another move. This move was a little less stressful than previous moves. She ultimately found a pretty high paying job in her previous line of work, so things went well.

 

OK, so on to the problem. I have always had a burning desire to be in business for myself. I could spend hours speaking as to why, but I've shared those with my wife. Most of this sharing is met with huge rejection and she tells me that I am very selfish. She is completely against the idea and thinks that I should keep my current *job* until retirement... in 23 years.

 

Our marriage has been very strained through the years. I believe that much of this was because we were married at 17 years old and we chose to grow up together. (I might add that we now have 3 children).

 

I have NEVER tried to discourage her from chasing any dreams. I would NEVER do that. Her stance is that any risk could potentially destabilize our family, therefore it isn't worth taking and I should do the "safe" thing, which is stay employed for someone else and forget any dreams of being my own boss.

 

Bottom line.... I am sickened by the thought of my wife telling me that I must stay in my current job for 23 more years, at which point, I am free to pursue my entrepreneurial endeavor's.

 

We've missed out on so many opportunities in life because of decisions we made at a young age. I am terrified of the thoughts of letting those decisions prohibit so much in life. I am really determined to do something very special with life, but I feel like my wife will never share this dream as she is less ambitious and more interested in stability.

 

I never speak to anyone about our marital issues, so I am hoping for some honest feedback. Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings with honesty.

[Philosoraptor]

I can understand that she is worried by the previous failure, but things happen. I'd develop a rather detailed plan of action regarding the business you want to start and explain everything to her to gain her confidence. While I can understand her relucatnce to hop on board knowing there were issues before... I certainly wouldn't accept being told to stay put in a job that I don't enjoy.

[Afishwithabike]

It's scary in a very bad economy to have your spouse say he wants to quit his job to start a new business. She want to be supportive of your dream, but she probably worries about bills and expenses. It takes a new business time to get off the ground, to make a profit. She's probably wondering what will happen if she lost her job in that time. Will you be able to support the family just on your income alone? It's a very valid point and not one to be brushed aside. How can you reassure her on that point? What contingencies and rainy day funds do you have?

 

You already have one failed business enterprise under your belt. I can see why she would be hesitant to support another venture. What have you done to show that you've learned from your previous mistakes? Do you have a solid business plan? Do you have an actual business idea or is this a general, vague idea of wanting to be your own boss?

 

Also, it looks like she has been very supportive of your career. I don't know how many women would uproot themselves to move from one location to another for your career.

 

My husband and I faced a similar situation. He wanted to quit his great job to start a business. His job is not one that's easy to get. If he quit there would be so many people who would apply to fill that position. His employer had layoffs, but his position was untouched because they absolutely need someone in that job, yet he wanted to give up a steady income to fill his dream of being his own boss. I didn't want to stop his dream, but we live in a very expensive area with a high cost of living. There are also other family related expenses that have to be paid. I won't go into what those are, but those expenses are ones we've both agreed to. My income alone isn't enough to cover everything. He felt I was stifling his dream. I thought he was having a midlife crisis. We went back and forth on this issue. He finally understood where I was coming from. We reached a compromise. He started a business that he could do by himself. It's online based. It's something he can do while maintaining his current job. He gets the satisfaction of running a business and I don't have to be afraid that I'm stuck carrying the burden of paying all our expenses. So it worked out for us in the end.

 

I think you need to reframe this issue and not make it so black and white. Try to find common ground. Try to understand her fears. She's been there all this time for you. You need to find ways to alleviate her very legitimate fears.

Edited January 13, 2012 by Afishwithabike

[Afishwithabike]

One more thing...

 

I have a casual friend whose wife quit her really well-paying job to start her own business related to animals. She was educated a top notch school. If I told you what her previous job was you would be impressed. She gave up a great job to basically watch animals all day. It makes her happy, but frankly he now seems really stressed and unhappy. Their income was slashed in half. She doesn't make anywhere near the kind of money she used to make. He confessed recently that they're now in marital counseling. I think a lot of it has to do with her desire to pursue her dream at the expense of what he wanted. He's unhappy where he works, but doesn't really have the option of leaving because who will bring home the income while she's getting her business off the ground?

[norajane]

It's scary in a very bad economy to have your spouse say he wants to quit his job to start a new business. She want to be supportive of your dream, but she probably worries about bills and expenses. It takes a new business time to get off the ground, to make a profit. She's probably wondering what will happen if she lost her job in that time. Will you be able to support the family just on your income alone? It's a very valid point and not one to be brushed aside. How can you reassure her on that point? What contingencies and rainy day funds do you have?

 

You already have one failed business enterprise under your belt. I can see why she would be hesitant to support another venture. What have you done to show that you've learned from your previous mistakes? Do you have a solid business plan? Do you have an actual business idea or is this a general, vague idea of wanting to be your own boss?

 

Also, it looks like she has been very supportive of your career. I don't know how many women would uproot themselves to move from one location to another for your career.

 

 

I think you need to reframe this issue and not make it so black and white. Try to find common ground. Try to understand her fears. She's been there all this time for you. You need to find ways to alleviate her very legitimate fears.

 

Completely agree. Those three kids need college educations, and it sounds like the whole family could benefit from some STABILITY first. Your career history sounds anything but stable, and she's been following you around for your whole marriage in an effort to let you have what you want.

 

No, you don't have to stay at this job for 23 years. But don't just leave it for something that offers NO stability for your family, especially if anything happens to your wife's high paying job (and family health benefits).

[make me believe]

Why don't you try to build your business on the side, while staying at your current job? Then when you get it up & running, and if it becomes profitable & your wife feels more secure that it's not going to fail, she should be more likely to support you doing it fulltime. But as it is, I can understand that she doesn't want you to just up & quit your job for something that may or may not work.

[shane147]

Just to clarify a few things so I don't sound like a full blown lazy moocher. The first business failure (real estate sales) failed due to a variety of reasons... (see real estate market in 2007-2008). I do, however, take ultimate responsibility. We were in a tight spot, but it was not a very capital laden business, so we weren't exactly put out on the street. When things got tight, I went back to the job I was doing before... and worked a lot of overtime to get us back in shape.

 

I would never move forward on a plan to change careers unless I felt we were financially prepared.

 

As far as the first failed business... I would say just the opposite. She did not do all the housework, etc. I kept 2 children and worked in commission only sales. She did nowhere near 95 percent of household work. I'm not being defensive, rather, just clarifying that I do and have always done my fair share around the house.

 

I suppose our problem is a fundamental difference in career aspirations in conjunction with life ambitions. I feel that we both missed out on a lot, due to our choices early in life. (I wouldn't trade anything, for the record). I believe that I am just as capable as anyone of being successful, despite previous disappointments, a late start, and not going to some high class college. I am completely disgusted at the thought of "settling" and "settling for just average" for the rest of my working days. It really does bother me to think that I am limited by other people. I want to show my children to reach for the stars, at the same time.. not letting my dreams dwindle away.

 

She, on the other hand.. was raised in very limited means. We have both went up a few notches in terms of income and life experiences from our parents. She is happy to just have stability and knowing what will be coming at her on a day to day basis.

 

I don't feel that she has the confidence in me to support any new endeavors. I am sort of upset by this, because I have ALWAYS found a way to put things back together, and ultimately end up better than before. I just feel like we've hit a brick wall, and all of a sudden, her support is harder to come by.

[Janesays]

In a word? Yes. See, it's not about you anymore. It's about those kids. Major financial risks either come before the children are born or after the last one leaves the nest. You made you're life choices. Live with them and make the best of them.

 

Starting a business on the side while you still work is your only option. You can quit when it's financially feasible. This is what I did with my business and I don't even have children or a husband to worry about.

[xxoo]

Yes, you are being too selfish.

 

Put in your hours at your *job*. Invest a second shift in yourself, working on your business dream. If your children are still young and need a lot of care, you may have to wait a few years to get the time for yourself--but not 23 years.

 

Family responsibility comes before your entrepreneurial dreams.

[zengirl]

The problem is you have 3 kids.

 

If you didn't have kids, and it were just her and you, then your dreams might be perfectly reasonable --- especially since it sounds like she can support herself. But you have 3 kids. And your wife needs help in supporting them.

 

You have one failure, she's done a lot to help you try to chase your dreams, and it hasn't worked out.

 

Yes, you're being selfish. People have already given the smart suggestion to try to build a business on the side, if you like.

 

You ARE limited by other people. Everyone is, but especially those with kids. Accept that---it's the responsibility of being a parent. Financial stability is, at this point, more important than your dreams. But it's not about 23 years necessarily, if you are willing to work the extra time and build something on the side.

[carhill]

OP, a couple questions:

 

Have you attended business management school?

 

Do you have a business plan?

 

What is your current capitalization estimate for this business, as well as to replace wages you are already receiving?

 

Have you adequately capitalized it, either through personal funds or through a business loan? If not, do you have a plan for that?

[Eve]

I would say that you would need to keep the day job until you can afford to take the risk of being full time in your own business. Unless of course it is a niche industry and you have contracts in place. Even then, the risks are MASSIVE.

 

The way you go on about being married young will not be flattering to your wife. It's like she should let you take these risks because of the risks taken together in your youth. IMO this is the most selfish aspect of your post.

 

Especially with a failed business under your belt.

 

Be careful how you rationalise things. Keep it real.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[xxoo]

OP, it sounds like you blame your wife for holding you back. But consider for a moment, how would you make all of dreams happen without the help of your wife. How much more freer would you be to chase your entrepreneurial dreams if you were a single dad with 3 kids, and the only wage earner in your household?

 

You are blessed with a partner, coearner, and coparent. You would have all the kids responsibilities with or without her. Don't take her help for granted!

 

Show gratitude and appreciation for your wife. Foster a strong system of support between the two of you. Use whatever extra resources (time and money) your family can afford to build your business as your children grow. That would be a fantastic example for your kids

[shane147]

To answer a few questions and further clarify a few things.

 

I could not start this as a side business. My current employer has policy against owning / operating secondary businesses.

 

My idea, is to plan for now... save money... and in perhaps 2 - 3 years, take the leap. Only after our children are in school.. oldest one will be finishing college. Only after we are in financial shape to manage the risks. I wouldn't consider doing this right now, as it is not feasible given our current situation. I certainly will not consider doing it unless I am properly capitalized.

 

I have a degree in business management, plus the business idea is very relative to my work experience.

 

My biggest problem is that my wife won't entertain the idea. Even when I put it into long term, well planned terms, when I assure her that it will not devastate us financially. I just want to keep the idea / concept alive, but she wants to bury it for the next 23 years. On top of it all, I believe wholeheartedly the idea can be successful.

 

Thanks for the replies and keep them coming.

[carhill]

OK, degree in business management, check

No consideration until proper capitalization in place, check

Business relative to historical work experience, check

Oldest child concluding college is a factor, check

 

What's your goal?

 

Example (not advice): You want to have sufficient financial independence to retire at age 55 and the business will be structured to provide you with that vehicle.

 

 

From my experience with friends, it's really imperative that a spouse be completely on-board with this thing from the get-go, or else the plan can go to shyte down the road when s/he cooks the M and the business up in a D. Obviously, doing a plan B is a smart move, but costs a lot legally. So, your concerns about her confidence in this, and yourself, are well-placed.

 

Tough call. I'd proceed with the preparations, especially in the area of preparing financially, since that could only help in any event, and see how it goes. Good luck.

[shane147]

My goal is simple. Build something from the ground up and grow it into something exceptional. I believe that I could realistically jump into this in 3, maybe 4 years. This number is related to my children's age and where they will be in school. My children will either be halfway finished with college or elementary school at this point.

 

I continue with the plan, in my head, but I realize that it will work unless we are both on board. It is so difficult to discuss my ideas with her, because she is so against the idea. She says that she believes I could succeed, but that is an idea for a different life.... perhaps if I am reincarnated. (Or when I am near eligibility for social security) I have assured her that I wouldn't ever do it unless we are financially stable, in the event things didn't work out.

 

Also, I'd like to further comment on the previous "failure" as I probably put too harsh of a wording on the event. I was selling real estate for a developer who was unable to build, due to a number of reasons. Money stopped coming in, prospects were fewer and further between, and I went back into my previous line of work. We weren't really out of a lot of money. We fell a little behind in the bills, but I worked a lot to get us back on track, and I did. (Of course with her help)

[xxoo]

My idea, is to plan for now... save money... and in perhaps 2 - 3 years, take the leap. Only after our children are in school.. oldest one will be finishing college. Only after we are in financial shape to manage the risks. I wouldn't consider doing this right now, as it is not feasible given our current situation. I certainly will not consider doing it unless I am properly capitalized.

 

Is your wife objecting to you saving money?

 

I imagine there is a savings threshold above which your wife would say, "ok, I'm comfortable with you giving this a shot." That might be a sum much higher than what you were planning to save, however.

 

The sticky point is, what is "properly" capitalized, and do you and your wife agree on what that means?