Help! I lost my best friend and feel so alone.

[sarayanna]

Hi - I am new to this forum so bear with me. I feel so hurt inside and don't know where to turn.

 

I have been married for five years to a man I love but is devoid of any emotional intimacy. He simply doesn't communicate with me or he says mean things to me he thinks are funny. He seems angry all of the time and I never know if it is something I did or if he's simply in a bad mood. We rarely engage in intellectual conversation and every effort I have made to try to communicate usually turns into an argument. On the other hand, he works harder than anyone I know, we have two wonderful children, he is an excellent father and we have a beautiful home.

 

Getting involved with the other man happened quite by accident. He is someone that comes from our close circle of friends and is going through a divorce. He and I have always been comfortable talking to eachother and I considered him a dear friend and hated to see him so devastated about the divorce. I would tell him repeatedly how he's a great looking guy and has great kids and time will heal his wounds. Truthfully, I saw him for what a nice guy he is - he adored his wife and children and his wife actually told me he was "too nice".... and then there's my husband who is just downright mean sometimes (mentally, not physically). So, not to sound cliche, but one night after a get-together with friends, my husband had gone to bed and he and I were cleaning up and we just looked at eachother and it hit us both like a bolt of lightning out of nowhere.

 

Nothing happened, but we spoke about it the next day and sort of apologized to eachother and dismissed it. A week later, we were at another party and just the way we looked at eachother made my heart race. We were standing alone together (my husband was ignoring me all night) and I had had a little too much to drink and I stepped towards him and he leaned into kiss me and got hit with a dose of reality and walked away. Days later, we spoke on the phone and admitted to eachother that there are some very real feelings there. Neither one of us knew where they came from and both of us were painfully aware of how wrong they were and knew what the right thing to do was, although neither one of us found the 'right thing' appealing. We started speaking on the phone daily and to be honest with you, my heart raced when I picked up the phone and it was him. I met him for lunch and we engaged in such wonderful conversation and found we had so much in common.

 

We both were struggling with guilty feelings though and went back and forth about how no good could come from this and we both wanted to do the "right" thing. Then it hit me; my husband had never cared previously about close relationships I had with other people (men too). I had tried and tried to create an emotional bond with my husband to no avail and, although an emotional affair is wrong in most relationships and would be hurtful to me if it was the other way around, I honestly didn't think that my talking to this other man on a daily basis would be hurtful, as long as nothing physical happened. I proposed this to the OM and he thought about it and realized I was right; my husband wouldn't care. He had seen my husband leave me at parties and ignore me on more than one occasion.

 

Things seemed to be fine until the OM had a get-together at his house and we were outside talking and he said he was falling in love with me. He said he had visions of us being together and at that point he didn't care what the consequences were. I told him I cannot do that at this point and didn't want to ruin our friendship and just wanted to take things slow and remain close friends while I sort out the issues of my marriage. I asked that we meet the next day so I could talk freely and we could try to sort things out. He agreed and I met him and we talked for hours about the situation and how we don't want to hurt anyone and we want to remain friends and see where things go. When I got up to leave he begged me to come back to his place with him but I told him he knew I couldn't do that and neither one of us were prepared for the consequences of that in the morning. We have both been cheated on before and vowed we would never do that to someone else.

 

So I called him the next day and he said to me that I have a family that I need to take care of and we needed to do what was right and quit talking to eachother until I figure out things for myself. I agreed that we both know what's right and we will feel better about doing the right thing. We hung up and my heart broke. I am devastated. I am guilt-ridden. He filled a void in my heart that I had ignored was there and now he is gone and I feel so empty inside. I just don't understand how he says he is falling in love with me one day and cuts off all contact with me the next. I feel so abandoned. There's also a part of me that wishes I had admitted to him how I felt too. I was falling in love with him but I know it is not something we can do and I can't bear the thought of not having the close, connected friendship we shared. Please help!

[uriel]

Well, this is a straight up mess. Both you and your neighbor were leaning on each other due to bad marriages. You were getting from each other what you should have been getting at home. Your neighbor is getting out of his bad marriage. He has a lot of challenges to face, but also the possibility of meeting other women and starting a new life.

 

He can't start a new life with you, because you are still married, with children, and involved in a mess. He doesn't want more baggage, especially given how much of his own he is currently carrying.

 

If you were single and ready for something more -- maybe he'd be interested. Maybe it would be too soon for him to have another serious commitment -- ready-made family.

 

Again, your relationship is largely circumstantially driven, even though I'm sure the feelings on both sides are real. Would it last if the circumstances were different? Hard to say. Time would tell. But you aren't ready for to offer that to him right now, and he knows it. I doubt he has any emotional energy left at the end of the day, especially to keep putting into a relationship that's not going anywhere but down.

 

-- uriel

[Debster]

Sounds to me like you are in a marriage you don't want to be in. That's your choice. Don't involve this guy in your mess. He's recently gotten out of a marriage and deserves a fresh start. You can't give that to him until you decide whether you want to be married or be with him. Decide. Then pursue your decision 100%.