JR2315 Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Hi guys, I recently just found out that my ex is already seeing someone else after such a short amount of time! This absolutely breaks my heart as I cant even get her out of my thoughts throughout my daily life. The reason for her breaking up with me was because she felt that we were still too young at the time. Now knowing what has happened, this completely pisses me off. How can you go from saying "I love you" to one person and then move on to another??? I've been in no contact for 6 months now and still i think of her everyday. Everyone here says that time heals all wounds but how come I feel like im back to square one?? Please help me, there are so many burdens in my life as of now and this was the last thing i needed. I feel like I cant sink any lower than this point. The pain I feel everyday is overwhelming. Any advice would be appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
BoredAgain Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 It's extremely common for a dumper to jump into a new relationship weeks or even days after the breakup, even when the reason for the breakup is "because I want to try being single." In those instances, most people seem to agree that the new relationship ("rebound") is just acting as a band-aide and, thus, is likely doomed to failure. That doesn't always happen, but it seems pretty typical. In your case, I don't know. Am I reading your post correctly: she started dating somebody six months after you broke-up? That's not an abnormal amount of time to heal from a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JR2315 Posted January 13, 2012 Author Share Posted January 13, 2012 In your case, I don't know. Am I reading your post correctly: she started dating somebody six months after you broke-up? That's not an abnormal amount of time to heal from a relationship. Lol i guess not but i was judging it from my POV. I really know this girl and she has so much **** going on in her life plus her parents are strict when it comes to relationships. Which is why im so surprised she already has a boyfriend! How is it that me as the dumpee am grieving constanly but her as the dumper can just move on to another relationship? I srsly just want to kill myself sometimes Link to post Share on other sites
BoredAgain Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Don't worry too much. It takes a different amount of time for different people, and, frankly, you have absolutely no way of knowing what's going on in her head (she may be miserable for all you know). So you really shouldn't be focused on what she's doing with her life. A lot of people - including me sometimes - feel like it can be a race to move on first, but that's really an unhealthy way to look at it. Just keep moving forward with you life, get new hobbies, meet new people, etc. At some point you'll look back and realize that you're over it. In my previous LTR (of two years), it took me about six months. I went thinking, "I'll do ANYTHING to get her back" to "wow - I'm so happy that I'm out of that relationship." We often underestimate our ability to heal from these things, but trust me - you'll bounce back from this. Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 How'd I deal with it? By not comparing myself to my exes. BoredAgain mentioned something about a race and that's correct: this isn't a race. Just focus on your own path, put one foot in front of the other. Let yourself have a setback, wallow for a bit, but get up and keep going. If you took the time to be single because you feel you need to be and you grow a lot from it, how is that a "loss" to you? Just because you haven't found someone and your ex has? If your ex hasn't taken the time to assess herself and figure out her part in the relationship's breakdown, then the only difference in her relationship is the guy she's with. They'll still face similar problems you and her dealt with. Same game, different players, not much growth. No thanks. I support the perspective that no one knows the thoughts in another person's head except the owner of said head. I can be shown your ex's smiling photos with her new man but big deal: doesn't mean she's really happy. For example, I can ask her straight up if she's happy and I'll believe her if she says "Yes," but even then it's very easy to lie and if it's a lie, that's on her. Living your life well without your ex is the best "revenge." I haven't found a different quote that communicates the intent of this phrase better, but whatever; it'll have to do for now. I don't like the negativity associated with the word "revenge" since living well is not really about getting back at someone - it's for you and you alone. Chin up. Don't sweat this other dude. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 It matters not who moves on first. All that matters is that you find inner peace and full healing before moving on. If she did that is wonderful, everyone deserves peace. If she didn't then that is going to be her battle in the future, not yours. Follow your own path. Link to post Share on other sites
ffw Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Besides above mentioned things, the nail in the coffin will be when you will find love again. Note I am not recommnding to jump in a relationship but with time you will realise yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
immitable Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 I usually tend to avoid generalizing, but it seems that it is more likely for females to find someone new and start dating them while still in relationship then for males. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 I usually tend to avoid generalizing, but it seems that it is more likely for females to find someone new and start dating them while still in relationship then for males. I think it is people of low character. Doesn't matter if they are male or female. I also don't believe there is much discrepancy either way. Link to post Share on other sites
Ajax Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 I usually tend to avoid generalizing, but it seems that it is more likely for females to find someone new and start dating them while still in relationship then for males. I think it is people of low character. Doesn't matter if they are male or female. I also don't believe there is much discrepancy either way. While I agree with Philosoraptor, my last ex did this and it can be quite the mind %^$#. Fortunately for me the damage was mitigated by the fact that I didn't find out for over a year later, so it really didn't matter at that point. But like so many, she left saying that she needed to "find herself" and "just couldn't be in a relationship right now." Then after a year of NC I found out through some friends that she'd had a new fella lined up all along. Like I said, for me it didn't really matter by the time I'd found out. But I can see how it can hurt when you're still in the middle of healing. But I do think I might have healed faster if I'd known. If she's been honest, or someone had shown me her true colors sooner, I like to think I wouldn't have held out hope for so long that we'd ever get back together. But that's just speculation. Stay strong and keep to NC. You're on the right path, as rocky as it might be. Link to post Share on other sites
stitch702 Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Yeah I feel your pain...my ex has a new boyfriend as well and when I discovered it, I too was devastated and I felt I had a huge set back...but you know what I picked myself back up. I took my frustrations out on the gym and worked out like crazy and hung out with my buddies who helped bring me out of my rut. I whole-heartedly agree with what everyone is saying...although during the intial break up stages, it may seem like a race for who moves on the fastest or who jumps into a new relationship the fastest, but people who sometimes do that are pretty emotionally immature. IT"S NOT A RACE. It's about you and your healing. People will heal in different ways, some may jump into relationship to relationship while others like myself take the time to heal and reflect on what has happened so as to not make the same mistakes in the next relationship, which is why I must say, that most of my relationships have been getting better and better. However I must confess that there was a period in my life where I would jump from relationship to relationship and I realized I was not only being selfish but hurting good people. An example is my cousin. She jumped into a relationship about a month after her break up and they lasted for about 5 months. She confessed to me that it was a mistake and she truly did not feel like herself around the guy. When she realized that this guy, who was in my opinion a really nice guy compared to her ex, wasn't her type she broke up with him and ended up hurting him. Well she has learned from her experience and I have to say that I used to do the same things when I was younger. Anyway like everyone says its not a race. Because in the end both of you will come out ok at some point in time. Just handle yourself and try not to focus so much on her although I know its hard. Link to post Share on other sites
shortee143 Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 Ah that is what I dreaded the most..my ex moving on. It was a horrid feeling Him and I have a ton of mutual friends, and him, his gf, and myself "hang" all the time....one big happy family. It has been some time, so I am kinda used to it (if that's ever possible??) It still gives me a twinge in my heart seeing them together though. I forced myself to just accept it, I hated every second of it, but I finally came to realize there was nothing I could do, but DEAL! I know it is really a hard thing to bare...watching them move on (rather quickly in many cases). It takes some getting used to the idea...and in my case, I literally watched him move on (ouch). Their new relationships arent as perfect as our little heartbroken dumpee-sevles like to imagine. You can drive yourself mad comparing yourself to their new SO, but that only wastes your own energy..it hurts, no doubt..but in due time, your brain has this crazy way of adapating to such things. Link to post Share on other sites
Chs Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 I don't agree that people say it's low character to date someone immediatly after. Some people, both girls and men, like to have someone around at all times. I personally think it's a very good way of moving on, to simply replace the person with someone else that can occupy your thoughts and time and we all like to have someone to cuddle with. It's just up to when you find someone that's good enough or when you are ready to let fully go of your ex, some can do this in days some in years. But it will happen for all of us, so being quick at it doesen't make you a shallow person. Link to post Share on other sites
BoredAgain Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 I don't agree that people say it's low character to date someone immediatly after. Some people, both girls and men, like to have someone around at all times. I personally think it's a very good way of moving on, to simply replace the person with someone else that can occupy your thoughts and time and we all like to have someone to cuddle with. It's just up to when you find someone that's good enough or when you are ready to let fully go of your ex, some can do this in days some in years. But it will happen for all of us, so being quick at it doesen't make you a shallow person. It's low-character because, in this scenario, you're emotionally milking somebody for your own personal gain. On the other hand, if the other person knows and understands that it's not serious, then they can avoid getting emotionally attached. Unfortunately, this seems to rarely happen and the other person ends up getting hurt. There's also the question of whether it actually helps to rebound, which I don't think is as clearly cut as you make it out to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Chs Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 It's low-character because, in this scenario, you're emotionally milking somebody for your own personal gain. On the other hand, if the other person knows and understands that it's not serious, then they can avoid getting emotionally attached. Unfortunately, this seems to rarely happen and the other person ends up getting hurt. There's also the question of whether it actually helps to rebound, which I don't think is as clearly cut as you make it out to be. Im not talking about a rebound, im talking about when you find someone you genuinely like. As a dumper you might have made up your mind long before the actual break up and will be able to find someone new very quick, in this case it's been 6 months which isn't even very quick. I never said rebounding for the sake of rebounding is good, but when you find someone you actually like then yes, it does help alot for most people. Link to post Share on other sites
collegeguy_24 Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 When my ex left me she posted she was in a new relationship on facebook after two weeks, and during those two weeks she lead me on about possibly getting back together. I do not know how long she was seeing him before she changed her status, but I suspect she had him on the back burner before she left me. It took me a while to get over it, what I suggest you do is to not date anyone else. Instead, focus on yourself, hang out with friends, play video games, work, study if your in college, etc. Only by focusing on your self can you move on. Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 I usually tend to avoid generalizing, but it seems that it is more likely for females to find someone new and start dating them while still in relationship then for males. Actually my ex boyfriend did that to me but hid it from me and acted like he jumped into a relationship 7 days after I left him. The first time he left me, he again told me he got into a relationship 7 days after he left me. People on here told me he probably had someone before he left me. I did not want to believe it. They may have been right given what he did after we broke up again. My therapist said that it is typical of men to jump right into another relationship after a break up. Some guy once wrote that after he broke up with his gf he was on dating websites within 10 minutes. That's just stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
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