vsmini Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 We’ve found a beautiful resort to have our elopement – very rustic and romantic that can perform the ceremony and accommodate our week’s stay. I don’t want a large wedding, even if money was not an option I still wouldn’t want a big one. My dream scenario would just be the two of us along with my parents and his parents. The problem is his dad makes things a living nightmare and always makes it about him. He's mister victim. The Groom’s parents are divorced and while his mother is sane and happily remarried (now 10 years with his stepdad) his biological father is still fuming over the divorce that happened over 20 +years ago. His father has never been diagnosed but he does need professional help. To give you a sample – at my fiance’s brother’s wedding his father only showed up for an hour and then left to sulk in his hotel room for the rest of the night and got pissed at my fiancé (the best man) for not leaving the wedding too…to be by his side. He also wrote a nasty letter to the groom telling him how upset he was that the stepfather's name was mentioned in the wedding handouts (his stepdad paid for most of the wedding and he's family too!) Pictures at that wedding were a nightmare because he refused to do family pictures where the mother or stepdad was involved so they had to do separate photos with just him. The dad gets a framed picture from the wedding as a gift and he wants to now toss it because he knows somewhere out there, there is an identical picture with the step dad in it. Ummmm OK. Basically I don’t want this guy at our wedding…fiancé feels the same way. The thing is – I want my mom to be at my wedding – even if it is tiny. I want her to be there. But then how do you have my mom and nobody else. I love and adore his mom too. I know if we don’t invite anyone we’re just giving into this monster but at least nobody that we love will feel left out…because everyone will be left out. Even if I had it my way with my mom there and his mom there…we’d still have to deal with a lifetime of his dad making snide remarks and I’m confrontational so it would get ugly. I don’t want to get to my wedding day and regret my mom not being there (and he would be sad if his mom missed out too) but I also don’t want to regret what will happen after the wedding, years down the line because we decided to invite some people but not his nut of a father. It seems like regret is bound to happen somehow. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 It's everyone, or no one. You can't exclude his father, no matter how much you and your fiance might want to. Well, you can, but that will create the worst outcome. You can change how you react to him and his antics. Try and be compassionate, and then just laugh it off rather than letting it get to you. That's all you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vsmini Posted January 13, 2012 Author Share Posted January 13, 2012 It's everyone, or no one. You can't exclude his father, no matter how much you and your fiance might want to. Well, you can, but that will create the worst outcome. You can change how you react to him and his antics. Try and be compassionate, and then just laugh it off rather than letting it get to you. That's all you can do. Thanks for responding. Yes - it would be one of those things where we would invite him knowing he wouldn't come. It's a destination wedding and it's at an expensive resort (it's really secluded so he couldn't stay anywhere else) and I know he couldn't afford it. So that seems pretty hostile too...inviting someone to your wedding when you know they can't afford it - but we invited him....right? I'm sure that would send him off on a tangent about how we were rude to pick such a place. Oh well - we're paying for it...and people can choose not to come. That's if we decide to invite anybody. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 If he's that predictable he won't be happy no matter which way you do it. You should have what YOU want - its YOUR wedding... Trying to make him happy isn't the answer. Let go of worrying how he may feel... Link to post Share on other sites
g450 Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 Wow, how selfish of him. Somebody needs to remind him that this day is suppose to be about the OP's wedding day, not about him. What an A$$! Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 It's everyone, or no one. You can't exclude his father, no matter how much you and your fiance might want to. Well, you can, but that will create the worst outcome. You can change how you react to him and his antics. Try and be compassionate, and then just laugh it off rather than letting it get to you. That's all you can do. I totally disagree. It is her wedding and she invites who she wants to invite. That dad behaves in a bad way and his family has put up with it for too long. If he is there, he will spoil it. Don't take that risk. Just invite those who you want to invite, it's about you and your partner that day so you need to invite those people who want to make this a great day. All others have to stay away. Of course the dad will nag afterwards but it seems he already does anyway. Don't walk on eggshells because this man refuses to grow up. Tell him that it is very simple: or he behaves or he will be shut out of your lives. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 If you're going to elope: To elope, most literally, merely means to run away and to not come back to the point of origination.[1] More specifically, elopement is often used to refer to a marriage conducted in sudden and secretive fashion, usually involving hurried flight away from one's place of residence together with one's beloved with the intention of getting married. Do that and invite to the later reception, if any, whom you choose. For example, my parents 'eloped' to Yuma Arizona, got married and had a small party later after they returned. I never quite understood why but that was what they chose. If you start working out a guest list to the 'elopement', it's a wedding. In that vein, I tend to side with PTL, as I've disconnected family in the past, but understand that sort of militant behavior is outlier to societal norms for weddings. Tough call. How does fiance feel about this? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 If people pander to his nonsense, he will keep playing up. If he refuses to participate in family photos, don't do a second lot, just for him to be in - tell him, it's one set only and he can either be in them or not, but that's his choice. People get away with this kind of manipulative doo-dah, because other people let them. Decide with your fiancé what you will - and will not - stand for, and stick with it. Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 If people pander to his nonsense, he will keep playing up. If he refuses to participate in family photos, don't do a second lot, just for him to be in - tell him, it's one set only and he can either be in them or not, but that's his choice. People get away with this kind of manipulative doo-dah, because other people let them. Decide with your fiancé what you will - and will not - stand for, and stick with it. Agreed. I wouldn't feed his ego. Link to post Share on other sites
JazzyFox Posted February 14, 2012 Share Posted February 14, 2012 I would suggest that you "elope" alone, and have a videographer tape the event. That way you can give them the tape, and it will feel like they were there. We "eloped" on a beautiful secluded island in the south pacific. It was the best day ever. We didn't have to worry about anyone except ourselves. And because we had a wedding planner on site, we didn't even have to worry about ourselves. It allowed us to completey and utterly enjoy the moment. Save yourself the drama on this special day, and do it alone. Link to post Share on other sites
setsenia Posted February 14, 2012 Share Posted February 14, 2012 To give you a sample – at my fiance’s brother’s wedding his father only showed up for an hour and then left to sulk in his hotel room for the rest of the night and got pissed at my fiancé (the best man) for not leaving the wedding too…to be by his side. He also wrote a nasty letter to the groom telling him how upset he was that the stepfather's name was mentioned in the wedding handouts (his stepdad paid for most of the wedding and he's family too!) Pictures at that wedding were a nightmare because he refused to do family pictures where the mother or stepdad was involved so they had to do separate photos with just him. The dad gets a framed picture from the wedding as a gift and he wants to now toss it because he knows somewhere out there, there is an identical picture with the step dad in it. Ummmm OK. Basically I don’t want this guy at our wedding…fiancé feels the same way. I had the same issue nearly 4 years ago when I got married. My dad crashed the wedding above ours and gave me some lecture in the middle of my reception. To top it off, he and my brother left before we even cut the cake. I remember being so upset that day, my wedding was nearly ruined. Our pictures were also horrible, because the photographer took a bunch of stiff shots and several shots of us and one other person. We had a limtied amount of photos and there were no group shots. Just us and one other person, like us and my dad, us and my mom and so on. We're definitely making changes when we renew vows next May 2013. Link to post Share on other sites
setsenia Posted February 14, 2012 Share Posted February 14, 2012 Save yourself the drama on this special day, and do it alone. Amen to this! We should have went with our initial idea and got hitched. Our families are full of drama, so we will never have the happily ever after celebration drama free. Link to post Share on other sites
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