cold feet or turditis?

[weeble78]

Ok, so I posted over in marriage and cohabiting, but then realised this might be more approrpiate.

 

We've been together 2 years, living together for 1, and talked about getting engaged last year, married this year and then children the year after.

 

Things have been like heaven on earth since the marriage convo - it's been like second honeymoon phase.

 

Until NYE. He got wasted, was telling me how he loves having a strong woman and then waxed lyrical for half an hour about how I was going to have his twins. Since then he repeatedly kept saying how wasted he was and didn't remember anything he said. Also was talking about how much he loved me for getting him off weed (I had nothing to do with it, seriously).

 

Last Friday he turns up home with a big bag of weed. I told him to go enjoy it with his mates. Which he did. Friday and Saturday night . Sleeping in the day. I told him I was disappointed and felt he was being insincere in things he had said to me. He said he thought we'd said to get engaged this year and married next. We totally didn't. excuse bells are ringing.

 

He's been his usual lovely self - giving me lifts to and from work and cooking for me. He even came home after buying a Kinect game for us to play together (!) We have a nice weekend to look forward to - we're watching friends play in a band tonight (I'm going to see a friend who's leaving the country first, to which BF doesn't want to come) and tomorrow my friend is coming down from the other side of the country and we'd all arranged to meet up tm night.

 

So last night he gets a phonecall from a friend inviting him round to smoke at his with a couple other friends. He gets excited and says yeah. When he got off the phone I reminded him about our night out. He says ah well I don't get to do this very often. I said that we only see my friend once or twice a year whereas these guys live in Cardiff. He basically started an argument getting angry at me for having a problem. He offered to meet up early quickly with them, but they are busy earlier on. He then apologised for apparently forgetting we had a night out.

 

I am upset that not only has he sacked off me and my friends (again!!), but that he got angry over me getting upset about it and said I was causing drama.

 

We've had an amazing few months since our marriage talk, and I'd been walking around on cloud 9. Since the weed thing, things have changed and it's like he's saying f*** you I'll do what I want - even though I backed down a little bit.

 

Also about him agreeing to things and then backing out of it or saying he didn't mean what he said, I've started wondering how sincere he is about getting married. When I asked him last night, he said he thought I meant get engaged this year and get married next (we agreed get engaged last year and married this).

 

I texted him at work today as I was in floods of tears - been in a previous 7 year relationship where I waited and waited forever and forever to find out his intentions were b*lloc*s. I said I was surprised at his attitude to letting me and my friends down, and disappointed that he had again promised something he didn't live up to, and why should I continue to make him a priority when I'm only an option to him. He got sh*tty and said he'd already explained and I was still p*ssed then he'd cancel his whole night.

 

I've basically told him I'm tired of being taken for granted and upset that he seems more annoyed by the inconvenience of it all. I said that I'm starting to feel like he's getting cold feet.

 

That really kicked it off and he said the world doesn't revolve around me and he was switching his phone off as he doesn't want to discuss it.

 

Seriously, I've been walking around with my head in the clouds (he's been exactly the same) for months - excited about the prospect of engagement etc. In one week, he's gone back to angry man, ready to show me I'm not important to him at every turn.

 

Can anyone help or advise? Am I being overly dramatic or is he being a big turd?

[vsmini]

He's being a huge idiot. The reason is unknown - you aren't engaged yet so it's not cold feet and even if it was...would you then allow that behavior simply because it's labeled cold feet? NO.

 

He wants a strong woman then you give him one. Don't take this crap - you put your foot down and you call him out on this foolery he's pulling on you. Smoking weed often leads to indifference and it sounds like that's what's happening to him.

 

You tell him to get his act together or you're going to be history - and mean it....I hope you would mean it. Who wants to stay with a jackass like that?

[weeble78]

Wow thanks for the strong and decisive response. I'm so glad to have a little back-up here and it strengthens my feelings that I'm getting a bum deal and don't deserve it.

 

I'm secretly scared that he wants to back out and will use the excuse of my 'drama' to do it. Last summer, he almost succeeded, until I held my hands up and said whatever was going on it didn't matter - I was out.

 

Then came the turnaround.

 

The thing is, that I don't have any rope left to give myself room. If he wants to test me out again then he's going to find me gone as I had enough of it last time. I've turned things around to focus on myself now, and am trying to stick to it even if it means finding myself single and in a bid to get on the housing ladder and climb the work ladder alone.

 

Sometimes I feel he is trying to avoid commitment by creating situations in which I can't win - thereby confirming for himself the things about us which he thinks are bad - sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. He nearly managed this when we were tussling over moving in together. I am not going through that again.

 

Why is he not head over heels and excited about preparing a proposal etc? Is it me - am I not right/good enough?

[vsmini]

Wow thanks for the strong and decisive response. I'm so glad to have a little back-up here and it strengthens my feelings that I'm getting a bum deal and don't deserve it.

 

I'm secretly scared that he wants to back out and will use the excuse of my 'drama' to do it. Last summer, he almost succeeded, until I held my hands up and said whatever was going on it didn't matter - I was out.

 

Then came the turnaround.

 

The thing is, that I don't have any rope left to give myself room. If he wants to test me out again then he's going to find me gone as I had enough of it last time. I've turned things around to focus on myself now, and am trying to stick to it even if it means finding myself single and in a bid to get on the housing ladder and climb the work ladder alone.

 

Sometimes I feel he is trying to avoid commitment by creating situations in which I can't win - thereby confirming for himself the things about us which he thinks are bad - sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. He nearly managed this when we were tussling over moving in together. I am not going through that again.

 

Why is he not head over heels and excited about preparing a proposal etc? Is it me - am I not right/good enough?

 

You aren't a stupid girl - you clearly have good insight as to why he may be avoiding commitment. If he wants to back out...LET HIM.

Words to live by - If someone wants to walk out of your life or sabotage the relationship as a cover to escape..LET THEM! You'll be better off.

 

Why isn't he excited about proposing? Are you right/not good enough? These are futile questions. The point is that he ISN'T doing it, he IS making excuses and it's making you feel bad. Look at the facts and don't focus on the what's wrong with me? questions. Those will just mess up your head.

 

He's the one that ran out of your rope - not the other way around. It's his fault. If you really think, honestly think, this is the guy you should be spending the rest of your life with then you tell him enough of this garbage and see what happens.

 

Don't fall for men that blow hot and cold. Which I suspect is what he does when he knows he's about to lose you. The guy you want to be with doesn't wait to overstep boundaries, see you upset and THEN get's his act together. Consistency counts in relationships.

[weeble78]

Thank you, you're a very straight talking person which is something I can really identify with.

 

I can see he is making excuses, but he's going to find out that I'm not going to accept that.

 

I came home from work early today in tears because I realised this is what is happening and it breaks my heart to think that I have to turn my back on the wonderful things I thought were going to happen.

 

I know I've given two years of my all, with not one nasty thing done in maliciousness or trying to hurt him. He cannot say the same for me.

 

Although he has loved me - he treated me like a queen at christmas and spent tonnes of money on me (which nobody has ever done before). He told his family I'm the one he wants to get married to and we're thinking of having children.

 

He has also been good about boundaries with weed (mostly) and other things I don't want in my life. But it seems he is going all for it this time. It makes me wonder if he really loves me or if he just wants security and loyalty, which I have by the bucketload. For the life of me I don't understand people who don't just decide what they want and then go for it. Instead of playing games and messing about.

[vsmini]

Thank you, you're a very straight talking person which is something I can really identify with.

 

I can see he is making excuses, but he's going to find out that I'm not going to accept that.

 

I came home from work early today in tears because I realised this is what is happening and it breaks my heart to think that I have to turn my back on the wonderful things I thought were going to happen.

 

I know I've given two years of my all, with not one nasty thing done in maliciousness or trying to hurt him. He cannot say the same for me.

 

Although he has loved me - he treated me like a queen at christmas and spent tonnes of money on me (which nobody has ever done before). He told his family I'm the one he wants to get married to and we're thinking of having children.

 

He has also been good about boundaries with weed (mostly) and other things I don't want in my life. But it seems he is going all for it this time. It makes me wonder if he really loves me or if he just wants security and loyalty, which I have by the bucketload. For the life of me I don't understand people who don't just decide what they want and then go for it. Instead of playing games and messing about.

 

I walked away from a relationship of 2 years. It was very hard and I was pretty sure I wasn't making the right choice in doing so but man was I wrong! I was scared to be alone and also stayed in that relationship too long because I wasn't being real with myself. Best thing I ever did.

 

I suggest you read www.baggagereclaim.com a friend of mine writes it. It's a very popular blog dedicated to relationships. Some articles you might not feel you can relate to but many you will. Dig around - Natalie talks about boundaries, not feeling good enough for the person you are with and dragging things out that should have been handled yesterday!

 

I'm not telling you to walk away from it..but to really pay attention to the true situation at hand. Take a long, hard look and get real with yourself. It sucks but it has to be done. You might find out some things about yourself that you don't even like but you'll feel better in the end, no matter what you decide.