moosekaka Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 hi guys, I have an emotional dilemma now....my ex and I used to work together, she is an undergrad and I a grad student and we are still in the same lab. I have to give a lab presentation at our meeting next week. We have been NC for two months. I am really uncomfortable with giving a presentation with her in the audience. Do I communicate with her somehow that I would prefer her not to attend? attendance by undergrads is not compulsory but she might want to attend anyway just to prove a point, or not even plan to attend, I really don't know as we have not spoken in months. I am not trying to fish for info from her, I just don't want her to be in the audience as I will be distracted/nervous and I also don't want here to be privy to what my project is up to now. I spoke to our professor about limiting the audience to grad students only, he said that would be awkward for the lab. I did not ask whether he could communicate to my ex about not attending, as I don't want him to be a messenger, however would it be too much to ask him if I could ask my ex not to attend? I know this might sound childish/immature/drama....but I attended a meeting yesterday with her in attendance and it was hard as hell for me. I would rather not give a presentation at all if I could help it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moosekaka Posted January 13, 2012 Author Share Posted January 13, 2012 also, the reason I want to handle this delicately is because of several factors: 1): I would lose face if she refuses or my professor refuses to go along with it 2): I don't want her to think I am being hostile or doing it out of spite but I really am not emotionally ready to handle a presentation in front of her now 3): I am still hoping for some sort of reconciliation in the future and I don't want to create more enmity/drama with this one meeting Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeless_1116 Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 I know this might sound childish/immature/drama....but I attended a meeting yesterday with her in attendance and it was hard as hell for me. I would rather not give a presentation at all if I could help it. Yes, you're right. It does sound all of the above. While I defiitely can empathize with you as this would be a very uncomfortable situation, I strongly advise against asking your ex not to be in attendance. This is no different than if you made the decision to date someone you work with. In that case, you would still have to work with and be professional with that person, and I suggest you do the same here. Asking your ex not to attend will do more harm than good, especially if you're hoping to reconcile at some point. I know it won't be easy, but try to go into this with as much confidence as possible. You can't allow her to have so much control over your emotions. You're not speaking to her, you're speaking to the room. Own the room and your emotions - - be happy and confident. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moosekaka Posted January 13, 2012 Author Share Posted January 13, 2012 Yes, you're right. It does sound all of the above. While I defiitely can empathize with you as this would be a very uncomfortable situation, I strongly advise against asking your ex not to be in attendance. This is no different than if you made the decision to date someone you work with. In that case, you would still have to work with and be professional with that person, and I suggest you do the same here. Asking your ex not to attend will do more harm than good, especially if you're hoping to reconcile at some point. I know it won't be easy, but try to go into this with as much confidence as possible. You can't allow her to have so much control over your emotions. You're not speaking to her, you're speaking to the room. Own the room and your emotions - - be happy and confident. thank you for the honest advice, I really needed that kick in the gut. just out of curiosity... why would it cause more harm than good if I ask her not to attend? Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeless_1116 Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 thank you for the honest advice, I really needed that kick in the gut. just out of curiosity... why would it cause more harm than good if I ask her not to attend? Well, the biggest reason being breaking NC to communicate a somewhat nasty message. From your perspective, you want to simply ask her not to attend because you're still emotional about the break-up. Think about it from her side.....what if the first communication from your ex after 2 months of silence was a message saying please don't show up somewhere. She is either 1) Going to be hurt you're asking her not to go, 2) lash out in anger because you haven't spoken in two months 3) be thankful she's rid of you and your immaturity. Just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeless_1116 Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Oh, and just the fact that you're still so emotional about the break-up is a good indication that you're not ready to open the lines of communication. Stick to NC until you can face her without being overly emotional about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moosekaka Posted January 13, 2012 Author Share Posted January 13, 2012 Oh, and just the fact that you're still so emotional about the break-up is a good indication that you're not ready to open the lines of communication. Stick to NC until you can face her without being overly emotional about it. thank you so much for your support, I have been doing A LOT of therapy,yoga,meditation,exercise, etc and thought I had a better handle of my emotions. Just the fact that the professor was not willing to agree to my request and I was feeling freaked out for an hour after that made me realize how long a road I still have to go. Actually the first thought that came to my mind was how she 'won' by dumping me and still being able to have power of the situation... even though I was the one who hired her into the lab....and thought her everything she knows in the lab Link to post Share on other sites
Chs Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Man, it's not immature! I know how you feel, just seeing my ex at the club or at school makes my whole body shake and i feel sick to the stomach and can barely speak to anyone. It's natural if you had a bad break up and you still have feelings. I would say if you went on NC in a friendly manner and not following some big discussion or small argument you should definetly ask her. Make sure she knows it's not meant in a harmful why, be open and tell her you wouldn't feel well if you know she is there and tell her you don't want to decide if she goes but you just want her to know it would be hard for you. Perhaps you should tell her in person, if your relationship with each other could handle that. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeless_1116 Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Man, it's not immature! I know how you feel, just seeing my ex at the club or at school makes my whole body shake and i feel sick to the stomach and can barely speak to anyone. It's natural if you had a bad break up and you still have feelings. I would say if you went on NC in a friendly manner and not following some big discussion or small argument you should definetly ask her. Make sure she knows it's not meant in a harmful why, be open and tell her you wouldn't feel well if you know she is there and tell her you don't want to decide if she goes but you just want her to know it would be hard for you. Perhaps you should tell her in person, if your relationship with each other could handle that. This isn't a club or a mutual friend's party...this is a learning environment. In this case, I think it would be immature to ask her not to attend a "professional" presentation regardless of how amicable the break-up or NC terms. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moosekaka Posted January 13, 2012 Author Share Posted January 13, 2012 Man, it's not immature! I would say if you went on NC in a friendly manner and not following some big discussion or small argument you should definetly ask her. Actually the breakup happened in a rather dramatic fashion....at the lab. A quarrel initiated by me got out of hand, she was 'rescued' by the lab manager, told the professor she no longer wants to work with me and a week later I initiated a calm 20 minutes discussion with her basically begging her to reconsider. She said her decision was final and we should be professional in our relationship. That was the last time I ever spoke/saw her and I never told her I would go NC. I think just me moving my seating location to another office after that (with the professor's consent) was a clear enough message of NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeless_1116 Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Actually the breakup happened in a rather dramatic fashion....at the lab. A quarrel initiated by me got out of hand, she was 'rescued' by the lab manager, told the professor she no longer wants to work with me and a week later I initiated a calm 20 minutes discussion with her basically begging her to reconsider. She said her decision was final and we should be professional in our relationship. That was the last time I ever spoke/saw her and I never told her I would go NC. I think just me moving my seating location to another office after that (with the professor's consent) was a clear enough message of NC. Yes, that does sound like a bad break up. I think it's best for everyone involved, including your professor, if you move forward in a professional manner. Don't break NC. You're not ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Chs Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 This isn't a club or a mutual friend's party...this is a learning environment. In this case, I think it would be immature to ask her not to attend a "professional" presentation regardless of how amicable the break-up or NC terms. It doesen't matter where it is, the fact is you feel the same way. I also mentioned school didn't i? I wouldn't be able to make a presentation if i could see her face in the crowd and i find no problems in asking her not to attend a "proffessional" presentation if it has no cost for her not to attend, except missing the actualy presentation. Anyways if your word is law, don't listen to me and go do your presentation Don't think of her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moosekaka Posted January 14, 2012 Author Share Posted January 14, 2012 (edited) I don't know if its a Friday and before a long weekend or what, but I have been feeling depressed and anxious again in a way I have not for at least a month. I just feel so resentful, bitter and not in control of my situation. I feel that my ex 'won', that she dumped me, my boss won't help me by asking her not to be at my meetings and that whatever I do (either NC, or fake it) she gets to paint me black in her mind. Now I know all these thoughts are unhelpful and are silent assumptions, and I also know that I am being unfair to my boss, as he has being really supportive all this while. Its just the anxiety of my presentation next week has got me all freaked out and I am starting to think of quitting my Phd again... Somebody please give me a slap of reality please! Edited January 14, 2012 by moosekaka Link to post Share on other sites
Author moosekaka Posted January 14, 2012 Author Share Posted January 14, 2012 I have also been falling behind/unproductive in my research/ work for the last 3 months....my boss has been supportive but I think he is starting to press for some progress as he should. Trouble is I just can't get going....I go to lab and sit at my computer and try to concentrate but I can't bring myself to read even one journal paper. All the yoga,meditation and therapy does is make me not think about her but it doesn't really make me want to work.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author moosekaka Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 ok so here is my coping mechanism; I composed an email that I would like to send but won't actually do it (unless by accident, I hope not!), please tell me what you think: "How are you? I am glad you are doing well in your studies. To be honest I was going to write an email asking you not to attend my lab presentation next week. However I realized that might come across as rude and immature. I know I have not contacted you in a while and I do hope you know its not because I am sulking or stewing but because I need the space to heal. I know you want me to act professional to you and I am trying, but I am not ready at the moment to face the lab with you in the audience. It would be a great favor for me if you can respect my feeling of discomfort on this matter." Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeless_1116 Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 ok so here is my coping mechanism; I composed an email that I would like to send but won't actually do it (unless by accident, I hope not!), please tell me what you think: "How are you? I am glad you are doing well in your studies. To be honest I was going to write an email asking you not to attend my lab presentation next week. However I realized that might come across as rude and immature. I know I have not contacted you in a while and I do hope you know its not because I am sulking or stewing but because I need the space to heal. I know you want me to act professional to you and I am trying, but I am not ready at the moment to face the lab with you in the audience. It would be a great favor for me if you can respect my feeling of discomfort on this matter." I'm still going with don't break NC. You're giving her way too much control over your emotions. This will seem like a desperate attempt to open up communication. My advice still is to be professional and confident and give the presentation. If this was just a "coping mechanism" as you suggest, I don't think you would be asking for opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moosekaka Posted January 15, 2012 Author Share Posted January 15, 2012 you are right, I am not sending it and I have to give the presentation anyway. actually the one emotion that is dominating my thoughts right now is wishing she doesn't exist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moosekaka Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 ok my presentation is in two days, am working on it somehow, but I do have one opinion that I have to ask you guys: Last meeting I refused to make eye contact with her in the meeting room which had about 20 people, I could do that as I sitting at the back. This meeting, I will be in front presenting. I pretty much know where she will be if she attends. What do you guys think if I still refuse to make eye contact and keep my aimed straight at the slides or the professor at the back? Not playing games but seeing her would hurt too much/be too distracting right now. I haven't looked her in the eye in more than two months. I'm pretty sure the other people in the lab knows something is up anyway so would I come across as even more crazy/immature for maintaining strict focus on the slides? Link to post Share on other sites
Author moosekaka Posted January 19, 2012 Author Share Posted January 19, 2012 ok an update: gave my presentation, she did not show up, never asked or communicated to her not to show so this was her decision. Relieved that the presentation is over and I did not make a fool of myself, but also slightly sad she did not show up (ironic right) because now I know she's also avoiding me. Two+ months now of total complete NC even though we work in the same lab. Don't know how long this situation is tenable. My next presentation is in 3 months. Hopefully she's either away on an internship or we have come to some kind of resolution by then. Tomorrow is my birthday and I am going skydiving to celebrate Link to post Share on other sites
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