Gf wants to wait till marriage when she's not a virgin

[UmsteadE]

I have tried to call her several times today and yesterday but she isn't picking up. I called her mother but all I got is ''I don't where she's at''. Ummmm? Sometimes doesn't seem right. I have a gut feeling I was being fed BS.

BTW I have dumped women with emotional burden before. I like a confident woman that knows what she wants without playing mind games.

Of course it is BS! Why would you even entertain the idea of continuing to date her?? This woman is trying to use sex to coerce you into getting married. And once you do, she probably won't have sex with you you either. Or maybe have sex with you once a month. And even it would probably be mediocre at best. I say run as fast as you can!.

I liked her and thought this was joke at first or that she would eventually get intimate but this is really going nowhere I see.

[And by the way...6 men my ass! When a woman tells you the number of her sexual partners, you have to multiply it by 3.]

I wouldn't care about the number (if we can have multiple partners than they can too, I'm all for equality) but lying and hypocrisy is something I don't put up with.

[UmsteadE]

op, tell her you don't buy a car without test driving it first.

 

Or, it's technically not pre-marital sex if you have no intentions of marrying her.

Nice but at this stage, don't think I'm really looking for a virgin to marry to. I prefer a woman that knows what she's doing and what she wants in life. I don't feel like teaching again (already done this 3 times in the past and it's getting tedious).

 

The only case where I would see myself possibly marrying a virgin woman is if she didn't really tell me about it and I love her. If it was that, then I would be willing to sacrifice sex to be with her.

Edited January 14, 2012 by UmsteadE

[ffw]

I prefer a woman that knows what she's doing and what she wants in life.

 

 

I am with Disenchantedly on this one. Maybe she is sure now about herself because of her past experiences. I am not going to recommend you to dump her before talking openly about your feelings.

 

Its amazing how most LS members recommend dumping as the only solution for most of the problems.

[Imajerk17]

Sticking around sounds like a great way to get shafted. She will have had sex w every boyfriend--past and future--except for you. Run Forrest run.

[snug.bunny]

Sometimes women choose to abstain from sex until they know they are in a mutually committed relationship, in her case, she's choosing to wait until marriage. It doesn't matter what her past relationships were like, what matters is the present.

 

If this isn't something that aligns with your own beliefs, or that you can accept, it means the two of you aren't compatible. At least not on this particular subject.

 

Her reason for wanting to wait is because she "wants to make it meaningful". You evidently, think it's about something else...You say you think her reasoning is BS and you're afraid she's lying to you and you don't want to be used. Understandable, no one wants to be lied to and/or used.

 

But, what would be her motive for lying to you? And, what is dishonest about "wanting it to be meaningful"? She never said she was a virgin, so she never lied to you in that regard. Had she said she was a virgin and wanted to abstain from sex until marriage, when she's not a virgin, would be entirely different.

[kaylan]

^Despite all that you are saying...sex is a big part of a relationship.

 

Personally Id like to know I click with someone on all levels before committing my life to them. Id want the full monty of emotional love, intellectualism and physicality before I take the plunge.

 

I agree that the OP should speak with her, but I do think he should move on since he has different wants and beliefs it seems.

[carhill]

OP, sounds like you're down the road on this thing but I do have a couple of questions:

 

You've known her two months and called her your girlfriend. This implies exclusivity. Did you have such a conversation? If so, and exclusivity was agreed upon, has her public behavior reflected that choice? IOW, when 'partying', as an example, does/did her behavior reflect that of a 'girlfriend' wrt to interactions with other men?

 

There are many ways love and commitment can be shown without dickinsider. I look at the totality.

 

Insecurity or unconfidence in a woman is a deal-breaker to me.

 

That's reasonable. Absent her expressed choice to avoid intercourse until marriage, what about her behavior do you perceive to be insecure or lack confidence?

[UmsteadE]

If this isn't something that aligns with your own beliefs, or that you can

 

But, what would be her motive for lying to you? And, what is dishonest about "wanting it to be meaningful"? She never said she was a virgin, so she never lied to you in that regard. Had she said she was a virgin and wanted to abstain from sex until marriage, when she's not a virgin, would be entirely different.

Some women used that as an excuse to it with another guy or to push you into marriage as a way to trap you. One of my buddies was dating a woman exactly like that, only for her to have drunken sex with a stranger at a frat party. Now my homie is usually smart when it comes to women but he really felt for it. It turns out that woman was waiting for the right moment to dump him but instead cheated (this was during the 6th month of their relationship).

[joystickd]

The fact is it doesn't matter how many men she was with, this is what her choice is now. You either like her enough to give it a shot, or you hold it against her because of a competition you have in your head wit hthe other men she let herself sleep with.

 

Ultimately, it's her choice to do with her body what she wants. You either respect that or you don't.

 

As a woman, I personally don't think it's so strange for an nonvirgin to all the sudden want to make different choices about sex. When your young, sex seems really important and you do everything you can to get to as soon as possible. But as you get older, you learn things about yourself and others. You don't always want to make the same choices you once had. Whether it's sex or other things. Someone that use to smoke can choose to stop smoking. Someone that use to eat alot can choose to eat better. Someone that use to have sex can choose to wait until marriage. And the reality is, she doesn't have to justify that to you. You either accept it and work with her and see where the relationship goes, or you don't accept it and break up and find a woman that will give you sex as soon as you please. Relationships are about two people. Sometimes you can make certain sacrifices for someone and sometimes you can't. But I don't think it's fair for you to say she is acting like someone she isn't. She didn't lie to you about being a virgin. She was honest about it and she is also being honest about what her needs are now.

Its not competition but it is unfair to punish this guy for the what happened in previous relationships. She got issues she needs to deal with so this guy needs to send her on her way. Its a symptom of something bigger who knows what else she might do because of previous bad relationships.

[phineas]

For the women in this thread defending op's ex-GF I have to ask, what if your BF took all his past GF's traveling to exotic places & told you "The next time I got to one of those places is on my honeymoon" and has made no indication to you at all that he is even remotely considering you someone he would marry.

 

Or he only ate out at fancy restaurants & decided he was done with his outrageous spending and insisted on only eating in & save his money for his wife?

 

Are you honestly going to tell us you wouldn't feel like you weren't important to him because he did all those things with other women but won't with you?

 

I LOL at the women who think op's ex-GF is legit in her claiming this 2 months in.

 

She's either genuine & pulling a bait & switch for waiting so long to tell him or it's BS.

 

Actually, it's BS either way because this is something she should of discussed after the at least the 2nd date so OP can make a decision.

 

But instead as op stated she mentioned it AFTER they were already making out.

 

Really? That isn't leading a guy on?

[UmsteadE]

Its not competition but it is unfair to punish this guy for the what happened in previous relationships. She got issues she needs to deal with so this guy needs to send her on her way. Its a symptom of something bigger who knows what else she might do because of previous bad relationships.

That's what I'm wondering too. What do I have to do with her past bad relationship (assuming they were bad because I don't know the reason nor even want to know, past is past for me)? If she is really carrying past luggage then a therapy or counseling is the right place. In this case she would have to work on herself first.

 

Right now I still haven't gotten a call back from her.

[snug.bunny]

Some women used that as an excuse to it with another guy or to push you into marriage as a way to trap you. One of my buddies was dating a woman exactly like that, only for her to have drunken sex with a stranger at a frat party. Now my homie is usually smart when it comes to women but he really felt for it. It turns out that woman was waiting for the right moment to dump him but instead cheated (this was during the 6th month of their relationship).

 

So if your buddy had slept with her, do you think that would have changed the outcome (her cheating)? I mean yes, at least he would have gotten sex out of it, but she would have still cheated on him, given her disregard for him and sleeping with another guy behind his back while they were together.

 

This mistrust seems to be the core of your perception towards your current girlfriend's choice to abstain from sex until marriage. Two months seems a bit soon to discuss marriage, but given it was brought up already during your make-out session, that would have been a good time to communicate to her your fears. She may very well be full of sh*t and is sleeping with other men behind your back. So, better to find out now versus down the road if you did end up marrying her.

[Feelsgoodman]

Sometimes women choose to abstain from sex until they know they are in a mutually committed relationship, in her case, she's choosing to wait until marriage. It doesn't matter what her past relationships were like, what matters is the present.

I'm afraid it's not that easy, snug buns. Your past determines who you are whether you like it or not. You can't just erase it with a magic wand and pretend it never happened. A party girl that all of a sudden decides to become a "re-virgin" should not be surprised if she's not taken seriously.

[snug.bunny]

I'm afraid it's not that easy, snug buns. Your past determines who you are whether you like it or not. You can't just erase it with a magic wand and pretend it never happened. A party girl that all of a sudden decides to become a "re-virgin" should not be surprised if she's not taken seriously.

 

Snug.Bunny!

 

And, no one is talking about "erasing their past". Erasing your past would include denying that it ever happened.

[kaylan]

For the women in this thread defending op's ex-GF I have to ask, what if your BF took all his past GF's traveling to exotic places & told you "The next time I got to one of those places is on my honeymoon" and has made no indication to you at all that he is even remotely considering you someone he would marry.

 

Or he only ate out at fancy restaurants & decided he was done with his outrageous spending and insisted on only eating in & save his money for his wife?

 

Are you honestly going to tell us you wouldn't feel like you weren't important to him because he did all those things with other women but won't with you?

 

I LOL at the women who think op's ex-GF is legit in her claiming this 2 months in.

 

She's either genuine & pulling a bait & switch for waiting so long to tell him or it's BS.

 

Actually, it's BS either way because this is something she should of discussed after the at least the 2nd date so OP can make a decision.

 

But instead as op stated she mentioned it AFTER they were already making out.

 

Really? That isn't leading a guy on?

 

Phineas, why even use different examples of the same behavior.

 

You couple simply ask the female posters if they could handle waiting till marriage for sex, especially if their man had been with several women before hand.

 

Im pretty sure most women wouldnt go for that situation.

[UmsteadE]

You've known her two months and called her your girlfriend. This implies exclusivity. Did you have such a conversation? If so, and exclusivity was agreed upon, has her public behavior reflected that choice? IOW, when 'partying', as an example, does/did her behavior reflect that of a 'girlfriend' wrt to interactions with other men?

Yes we have been exclusive these 2 months. She said yes when asking her if she wanted to be my gf. As for the partying, I'm assuming she knows how to handle herself. I don't have to be constantly checking out if she's hitting on other men. I have no tolerance for trashy behavior and one mistake of the type would be over in my book.

 

If I don't hear a call back from her or she doesn't pick today within the next hours, I'm considering it a break-up. She has never took that long to replied back and if so, she would at least wrote through my email explaining why she isn't available.

Absent her expressed choice to avoid intercourse until marriage, what about her behavior do you perceive to be insecure or lack confidence?

Not really. I'm starting to think I've been played with and taken for a fool, as well as wasted money on her. Edited January 14, 2012 by UmsteadE

[snug.bunny]

Phineas, why even use different examples of the same behavior.

 

You couple simply ask the female posters if they could handle waiting till marriage for sex, especially if their man had been with several women before hand.

 

Im pretty sure most women wouldnt go for that situation.

 

That is an excellent point!

 

Putting some thought into it, the questions that would come to my mind are: (1) Is he sleeping with other women; (2) Is he secretly gay; (3) Is he not attracted to me.

 

I think though, if I really and truly loved him and I knew with all my heart that he wanted to wait because it would be more special, I could happily wait until marriage for him.

 

I'm not sure though, that is realistic. Are there a lot of guys who are non-virgins who want it "to be special"? I'm sure not seeing it on these boards...

[Imajerk17]

For the women in this thread defending op's ex-GF I have to ask, what if your BF took all his past GF's traveling to exotic places & told you "The next time I got to one of those places is on my honeymoon" and has made no indication to you at all that he is even remotely considering you someone he would marry.

 

Or he only ate out at fancy restaurants & decided he was done with his outrageous spending and insisted on only eating in & save his money for his wife?

 

Are you honestly going to tell us you wouldn't feel like you weren't important to him because he did all those things with other women but won't with you?

 

I LOL at the women who think op's ex-GF is legit in her claiming this 2 months in.

 

She's either genuine & pulling a bait & switch for waiting so long to tell him or it's BS.

 

Actually, it's BS either way because this is something she should of discussed after the at least the 2nd date so OP can make a decision.

 

But instead as op stated she mentioned it AFTER they were already making out.

 

Really? That isn't leading a guy on?

I think this is a great analogy, and quite apt.

 

I'm sure the gf's heart is in the right place. But if OP goes along with this, its probably not going to turn out well for him.

 

Sex bonds a woman to the guy. That she isnt having sex w OP means that she isn't bonded to him. And yeah, that he has to wait until marriage to see what 6 other guys have seen already... that is going to stick in his craw.

[carhill]

Yes we have been exclusive these 2 months. She said yes when asking her if she wanted to be my gf. As for the partying, I'm assuming she knows how to handle herself. I don't have to be constantly checking out if she's hitting on other men. I have no tolerance for trashy behavior and one mistake of the type would be over in my book.

 

If I don't hear a call back from her or she doesn't pick today within the next hours, I'm considering it a break-up. She has never took that long to replied back and if so, she would at least wrote through my email explaining why she isn't available.

Not really. I'm starting to think I've been played with and taken for a fool, as well as wasted money on her.

Thanks for your responses.

 

When I asked, I was looking for actual observations of behavior. As an example, when I was married and we were at a social event and one of us was talking to an opposite sex person unknown to the spouse, my wife or I would invite the other over and introduce them and share the conversation a bit before moving on to other contacts. We presented a unified presence and our behavior observably (not assumably) supported that unified presence. We consistently showed each other the prioritization of the commitment. That's what I was getting at.

 

If you believe the clearest way a woman can show her commitment to you is by having intercourse with you, that is your reality. Own it. Go with it. End this.

 

Your answer to the second question really didn't provide any additional information or clarity, so I'll let that one go.

[phineas]

Phineas, why even use different examples of the same behavior.

 

You couple simply ask the female posters if they could handle waiting till marriage for sex, especially if their man had been with several women before hand.

 

Im pretty sure most women wouldnt go for that situation.

 

Because I see far more posts on this forum from women whose BF's don't take them anywhere or spend money on them so i thought I would use those examples.

 

I personally feel the majority of the "make him wait" crowd doesn't particularly enjoy sex myself.

[somedude81]

When did the refusal happen? Was it very recent? Have you seen her since then?

[UmsteadE]

When did the refusal happen? Was it very recent?

Yes it was about 2 weeks ago. She didn't told him this from the beginning.

Have you seen her since then?

I haven't even heard from her today all day long.

[ThaWholigan]

Because I see far more posts on this forum from women whose BF's don't take them anywhere or spend money on them so i thought I would use those examples.

 

I personally feel the majority of the "make him wait" crowd doesn't particularly enjoy sex myself.

 

That would be very unfortunate. This is probably where the ability to turn a woman on and be attractive and be great in bed will have an effect .

 

In my opinion, this is just one of many things to aspire to

[phineas]

That is an excellent point!

 

Putting some thought into it, the questions that would come to my mind are: (1) Is he sleeping with other women; (2) Is he secretly gay; (3) Is he not attracted to me.

 

I think though, if I really and truly loved him and I knew with all my heart that he wanted to wait because it would be more special, I could happily wait until marriage for him.

 

I'm not sure though, that is realistic. Are there a lot of guys who are non-virgins who want it "to be special"? I'm sure not seeing it on these boards...

 

that's why I used the money / travel analogy.

[phineas]

That would be very unfortunate. This is probably where the ability to turn a woman on and be attractive and be great in bed will have an effect .

 

In my opinion, this is just one of many things to aspire to

 

How do you show a woman you are good in bed if she won't even get naked for you?

 

And honestly, guys that can break through those types of women's force shield are not looking to wife them up so why would I even bother when there are women I can like just as fine who WANT to have sex with me?