Appleanche Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 Here is the original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t307843/ I had indicated I was in IC due to anxiety within my relationship, and that I was going to bring up this porn issue with my therapist. Well, I finally did that this week. The gist of that session: He says that porn in and of itself can be just fine, and masturbation in and of itself is perfectly normal and natural, but: the point at which it effects our sex life in a negative way, it's a problem. The fact that he chooses to jack-off knowing that it can cause an issue for us the next day when we see each other makes him selfish. That he chooses to be self-indulgent without concern of the potential impact on our own sex life, that he can't even hold off that one night... makes him selfish. Our last session basically centered on my feelings of being low-priority in his life. I discussed some other recent happenings, wanted his take. I'll tell you guys too: The other night he was supposed to come over, leaving his house about 7pm (his words). He texts at about 7:30 and says he just left, apologizing for leaving later than planned. About 20 minutes later his roommate sends me a message, asking if I am waiting for him because he is laying on the bed. Just wanted to give me a heads up. Friggin laying on his bed after he told me he'd already left. F that. Something in me changed at that moment. Why he felt it okay to lie and then insult me further by then showing up much later than he "stated" is just wrong on so many levels. We have been through this before a year or two back and I told him then just to be straight with me. I mean honestly, isn't it bad enough that I have to deal with him always being late? But to have to deal with him lying on top of it just makes me realize how I can't count on him... I can't rely on him. And it's not by accident that he's always late - HE chooses to be. Why.. I don't know. Anyway, my therapist said, again: he's selfish, that lie the other night was very immature and manipulative. To be clear, this was not the only time he has lied about his tardiness... he does it almost every time on some level. He's always "just leaving" or "about 30 minutes away" or "leaving here shortly, had to do this, that or the other first"... it's always something keeping him from getting here in a timelier fashion. He also said that my boyfriend isn't fully committed, not that he is out cheating on me, but that he can't be fully committed to me when he puts himself consistently above me. That was really hard to hear, but it makes a lot of sense in terms of explaining why I have felt so low priority since we've been together. Most of the time it's not about the things he's doing, it's more about the things he's not doing. In general he is not so good at making me feel high priority, and I need that. I sometimes just want him to orbit around me like I do around him, but most days I feel like he is perfectly content with his life without me in it as long as he has friends around and is entertained. And hell, with porn he almost doesn't need me anyway. So that's where I'm at. I think I need to back away some from him but don't really know how to do it. My therapist asked why I accommodate him so much when he doesn't reciprocate, why I am "fully" committed to him when he's not to me, and I agree. I just don't know how to be less.... in intimate relationships I'm generally 'all in'. I need to learn to be more selfish in order to sustain myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Titania22 Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 Thanks for updating us. I was curious to know what happened next. Link to post Share on other sites
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