Did I do the right thing ? Broke up with someone I love

[frenchmanfl]

Hey Florescent, thanks for jumping on board. The first point is that no, I am not sure if I am ready to give up yet. I am letting go, because she is giving me little other choice, right now. I have a tendency to hurt and hold on until I feel I am not getting sufficient response and then I let go emotionally. I don't want to. The problem is that I just don't know where she stands or what she suffers from or anything. Every time I turn a new information corner I learn something new.

 

My sharing the info I read about a BPD'ers words and verbal tone is that one should not focus on the words or tone but that there is another language for them that is not expressed. My last post provided examples, she is tucked in the corner of the couch after an hour of cuddling. She scurries to the bathroom, puts on fresh make up and perfume and then comes right back to the couch posture she was in before. But why did she put on the fresh make up and perfume, we were going anywhere ? This is a perfect example of my knowing what language to read. Her putting re-doing herself should have been my cue, not her physical posture.

 

In as far as apologies, the reason I asked downtown if he might be able to elaborate on the possibility that a high functioning might have more advance relationship skills. My ? readily apologizes without prompting, even if she did something over the top when we were out, after a few drinks. She would apologize if she might have embarrassed me. I don't embarrass easily and if it's someone I love, then my tolerance levels rise exponentially, within reason of course. I am very passionate but also very calm.

 

Right now, I have pulled away, sufficiently, emotionally not to allow the uncertainty effect me negatively, so I want to continue to educate myself. As I have mentioned before, I have but one issue and that is us sitting in no man's land without a definition for what " this " is but more importantly if it involves dating others. This I will not tolerate. However, as mentioned I just got a side gig driving models around. Did my first day today. I am a loyal man and while it was not a hardship to have four of these beauties in my car at a time all day, I have ( for the moment ) eyes for only one.

 

With that said, given my ? refusal to poop or get off the pot, I decided to non-chalantly, amongst other news of the day ( in other words I didn't announce it like a peacock, because I hate games ) tell her about the job. At first she gave me pointers, I have been in corporate sales my whole life so street level stuff is not my forte, she on the other hand has fought in the trenches. So it was cool, she didn't take the news as though I was trying to hurt or make her jealous. This wasn't my intention, but I did see it as an innocent way of putting a little fear in her. She has caused my imagination to run wild...again I am 44 not 20, I don't like childish games. At first she was cool about it but then towards the end she launched a furious text with all of the exclamation marks, in response to something dorky I said ending with a " whatever !!!!!!! ttyl !!!!!!!!!!! " I have never seen so many exclamation marks.

 

Nothing and I mean nothing would make more happy than if my expressions of love were sufficient but it's clear they are not and I need to make sure not to forget that always being available and acting as though one has no other options is a turn off.

 

Note, I am not going to a bar or club chasing girls. This is a job that just happens to put me in very close contact with guaranteed beautiful leggy ladies for the entire day. I took it for the cash nothing more but...

 

I am loyal to the very core and I have no intention of even flirting. First I want these models ( because some of them are not even legal to feel safe with me ) but more importantly it's just not how I am. However, I don't like to be played with. It could backfire, but I am interested to see how this plays out. If she runs the other way then i know there was nothing there, but if this causes her to get off the pot and offer me the commitment I seek, then I believe she will not stray and I can deal with all of the other bs.

 

Anyway, point being, I guess I am not done just yet. Sucker for punishment ? maybe and who knows this could be the last throes, in which case so be it. Caregiver I am, sucker I am not. I am hers to lose. I stuck it out for 20 years with my exw and despite her crushing my heart, multiple times, I don't regret it.

 

I was done, but then out of nowhere a unique option to test the waters presented itself and changed my mind. I repeat, I hate games. I wish love was easier but it's not even in the " non " world.

 

So, for now, I soldier on which is why I continue to search for answers.

 

I imagine my story is getting boring. I should probably just zip it.

[Downtown]

Is a high functioning BPD'er more likely to cope slightly better with the rigors of a real relationship and therefore inflict less chaos, less frequently, because they recognize nuances a little better?

Yes, that is largely why they are called "high functioning." Yet, keep in mind that, if the person's BPD traits are very strong, her being called "high functioning" does not mean you could be happy living with her. Rather, in that case, it primarily means that she gets along fine with strangers and casual friends because none of those folks pose a threat to her two great fears. She would still come home at night to be abusive to her loved ones.

 

Hence, "having strong BPD traits" and "being low functioning" are NOT the same thing. Nor is "having weak BPD traits" and "being high functioning." This means that a person can be high functioning while at the same time having strong traits. That is my understanding.

[Downtown]

Sorry, double post.

Edited January 21, 2012 by Downtown

[frenchmanfl]

Thanks downtown. I realized, when I asked the question that it was impossible to answer with the clarity I seek. Short of having her sit down with a qualified therapist, I will never know.

 

Florescent, I do hear you. I texted her last night a little sweet note to let her know I was thinking of her yesterday. My pick up and drop off's with the models were right next door to her. No response ! Fine, it's NC from now on. If and until I get a commitment from her, then NC is how it will remain. I caved this first go around because I wanted to hear what she had to say. I wanted to see if after our three hour conversation things would evolve, they haven't.

 

I believe she is completely loyal, once she has made that commitment. The reason why she won't commit is because she doesn't want to be seen as disloyal. I respect that.

 

I am not hurting anymore. I miss her, I want her, but while I want nothing more than for us to be together, I cannot continue to expend this much energy on her. If you love someone, set them free, if they come back...

 

As for why I continue to even entertain a possible future, when it seems clear that she continues to fight against it, is because there is so much there. I am not addicted to the affection and idolization. It's nice, but my view goes far beyond that. I have outlined the commonalities. So I do believe she could be so right for me. If there were none of those things and it was only superficial, I wouldn't be prepared to fight for it.

 

She wants to go see what's out there, go for it ! I may be wrong, but I believe that she needs reminding of what she has. Despite the illnesses, she is not a fool nor is she ignorant.

 

As mentioned, I am a secure, confident and independent person. I don't need constant attention and can deal with all of the mood swings. I have done it before. Not to this extreme, I admit, but if she wants to throw a barrage of insults my way, big deal. I am not a doormat, I just don't absorb. Want to do the silence thing, go ahead. I have done the marriage, house, child thing and I don't need it anymore. If she came around and said this is what she wanted, I would go for it but I don't need it.

 

I need only one thing, commitment that we are one, even if we are miles apart. If she happened to wish to be with me all of the time I could do that too. My time away is often spent in my head. I have very close friends all over the place, but they know that I am not the " let's organize a poker night " type. In short, while completely social, I am more of a loner and happily. I spend my days at work, in corporate sales, socializing and being " on ". I am quite happy not doing so when I am " off ".

 

She can socialize as much as she wants. I am not possessive. I have always kept my women on their toes because I can be very non chalant. My exw complained constantly during our courtship and my ? clearly felt moments of insecurity when I would take much longer to do my thing on days we were supposed to get together. And finally I have a very calm temperament, so I can listen if she needs to get a whole series of things off her chest and secure enough to apologize without reservation. Hey if it makes her feel better.

 

So, I believe I might make an excellent partner for such a complicated woman. I need but one thing and that is to know that I am the one you pine for. My exw was the worst flirt in the world. We would go clubbing and she would toy with guys right in front of me. Knock yourself out, because I knew she would come home with me and that allowing her to play only made things better. Of course, all of this within reason. I am not talking swinger action here.

 

Ultimately though, the " why bother, if she is so clearly not for you ", well that is the problem. I believe she is.

 

I go NC and see where it takes me. As it stands I have already shed almost all of the emotions. It's her move, if she wants to make it but I will take nothing less than a commitment.

 

I will return if there are any developments. It might be a new thread. Thank you, mostly downtown for all of your incredible wisdom and support, but everyone else too for their sage advise.

[Surfer Girl]

On the opposite side of the spectrum I found myself drawn to this thread. My ex is the caregiver that emeshed himself into a relationship with another woman. I was initially attracted to his intellect. As the relationship progressed his need to help a woman that was destitute, homeless, alcoholic, and abusive brought out a side I was naive to believe one with his stature could be manipulated to leave me for her...

 

The wisdom in the words written here and the links to why one becomes a caregiver has opened my He gave her a home, put her in rehab and felt he was her knight in shining armor. Alas as much as he tried with all the love he felt to help her, fix her, and change her.... She was not willing...

 

I have a greater understanding of my ex being a product of his childhood...verbal and physical abuse....and the ingrained patterns that make him more vulnerable to a woman that is in desperate need of help....it gives him the self worth he so desperately seeks.

 

She exhibited BPD symptoms and would love him passionately and within days leave him.... She blamed him, recounted numerous times of how bad he was to her with countless memories of what she felt in her mind was his demise...and on her good days love him as he never felt loved before.

 

I did not want to hijack this thread but felt I needed to respond. As I then became the caregiver to the caregiver and did not set the boundaries most

 

needed to respect myself.... It was a difficult lesson to learn that came with

immense pain....

 

As much as you love her French...your awareness to set boundaries and conjugate on why her actions are somewhat foreign to you are realities to really consider.....and I do believe you have the capacity to recognize what you can tolerate and what you can't

[Exit]

I believe she is completely loyal, once she has made that commitment. The reason why she won't commit is because she doesn't want to be seen as disloyal. I respect that.

 

I guess in a way I can understand respecting that, but to look at it with a more cynical point of view, all she's doing is exploiting a loophole that she knows she can get away with. It's like when girls will string along the person they really want to be with until they are ready to get rid of their temporary fling, they know they are taking advantage of the loophole that they "aren't technically cheating" because they aren't really with anyone. On the one hand yeah it's good of her to not profess commitment to you if deep down she knows she can't honor it, but on the other hand she's playing her cards well and only keeping her best interests in mind, keeping you somewhat on the line without having to commit.

 

You say you've decided to just stop initiating contact until you see some more effort on her part and until she is ready to offer you that commitment, and I think that's a decent mindset to settle in to for the time being (until if/when then day comes you need to free yourself from her completely). I think it's best for you to stick with that decision and I hope you manage to do it. Let her come to you and hopefully it turns out well.

 

 

Yet, keep in mind that, if the person's BPD traits are very strong, her being called "high functioning" does not mean you could be happy living with her. Rather, in that case, it primarily means that she gets along fine with strangers and casual friends because none of those folks pose a threat to her two great fears. She would still come home at night to be abusive to her loved ones.

 

This is exactly what I experienced in my situation and it is unfortunately what robs me of the ability to at least get some support from other people after what I went through. Despite having some mutual friends between myself and my ex, I can't talk to any of them about it because they've never seen that other side of her.

Edited January 22, 2012 by Exit

[Downtown]

This song helps me come to terms with leaving someone I still love ->

Thanks, Fluorescent, that's a great "walk away" song for those deciding that they must let go of a loved one. My favorite is "I Remember LA" (aka, "There Were Moments") at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IKtIjX4CtQ&feature=related.

There were moments in that lifetime

That my heart still replays

There were minutes, there were hours, there were days

There are moments I still love you that same way

When I remember L.A.

[frenchmanfl]

Hi guys,

 

Some responses to catch up on. Quickly...been three days since I launched my little sweet text, nothing and just as I sat down at my desk to get to what has become a nice outlet, my cell rings. It's her. I didn't answer and I will not call back. Exit, in my case NC is going to be imposed regardless of who initiates.

 

Her message " Hi it's Katherine ( in a sweet voice ), got your message ( text ) been really busy, just calling to say hi, call me back " This was an " acting in " punishment for the model driving gig.

 

Florescent, I understand your position on the compatibility but if you had a chance to read all of the normal life compatibilities she and I share and how beautifully things go when we are together ( things get complicated when we aren't together for periods of time, when fluid dialogue and physical attraction cannot be expressed ) then there is a case to be made against the view that we are not meant for each other.

 

It seems the most popular view is that her condition(s) are what are hampering things. And in as far as I am concerned the greatest frustration is that I do now get her but have simply not had a chance for a seamless chance to see where things could go.

 

It is not my intention to over analyze or help her. I have barely read anything these last few days, because I have as many questions answered that are possible outside of the professional realm. The rest is conjecture and assumptions, which is why i will remain tight lipped. By no means are my musings delivered with any sort of certainty, because I myself am simply not sure what on earth is going on.

 

I reflect on all of the traits and all of the possible symptoms and they all fit, but then when I am in the moment with her, whether it be on the phone or face to face, and my brain is simply not able to process that everything I am seeing or hearing isn't coming from a perfectly normal, well adjusted person.

 

I believe that this is the battle we have all faced. It is one thing to see someone with a physical handicap, our eyes see and our brains process. We can immediately process that they will have certain limitations.

 

The brain, however, is hidden and when we see a physically capable person, speaking words we understand delivered with clarity and precision, our brains think that what is in front of us is legitimate. The research sits embedded but the message we see in front of us is so convoluted that it is too easy to try to deny that there is anything wrong.

 

I suppose, in my case, in difference to say downtown, who had medical confirmation that his ex suffered from BPD, I have no such confirmation. Trust me, while all of this research has been enlightening and I am always in search of more life information, the very last thing I want to be doing is exhausting so much time trying to analyze someone else and there is no question that I have reached the edge of what anyone can know about the symptoms and possible reactions from this woman that I continue to want and love.

 

I have to admit that I also continue to cling to the fact that she has been in two long relationships and that she does believe very strongly in loyalty. Whether either of these apply to my case, I may never know. But I admit it is a carrot. Again one that is founded on the belief that there IS so much there. This is very frustrating because I want to beat the living tar out of that stupid wall that comes between us and flush it down the toilet, so that I can get to the woman who could offer me so much.

 

Based on her own admissions, despite the clear message from downtown that I am likely her emotional rock, it is clear that she does recognize our compatibility too. I explained that she ran down a laundry list of the very same compatibilities and more. So she knows what's there to be had, but that f'in wall keeps getting in the way. I know....despite my desires, I can't cry " Mr. Gorbochev tear down this wall " or rent a jack hammer and chisel through myself, so I am not deluding myself.

 

I think I asked this question before of everyone who has been through what I have, do you all regret having had the time with your BPD partners ?

 

Surfergirl, thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story and for your kindness in expressing your faith that I can stick to the boundaries set and recognize when it's simply not worth it. I have simply not reached the latter stage yet, but I made one miscalculation on the boundary and I won't falter again. I guess by the fact that she called a few moments ago, she isn't ready to let go either. I fully believe downtown's view that I am an emotional rock but I am not ready to believe that this is all it's about. That there has to be more than convenience to this.

 

Surfer, your situation offers a unique perspective but I understand why you have been following this thread. While we have been analyzing BPD, you seek insight into the caregiver and what motivates us. Suddenly the light has is being directed at us. I say this with a giggle, but without in any way making light of your heartache.

 

If anything, it sounds like your ex is way on the extreme as is the woman he has been trying to save. She sounds low functioning which probably makes her even more of an attraction to someone like your ex. However, I believe your ex, without any clinical foundation, could be suffering from a whole slew of issues himself. It is one thing to run back into a burning building to save someone, but quite another to run in knowing that the person your going in to save has cuffed themselves to the banister just as the building caught fire and you know you don't have the keys.

 

I am deeply sorry that you have had to ensure this pain. However, whether you are willing or not to hold out, if there is anyone in these discussions that has the chance of actually seeing a positive outcome it's you. I say this in the sense that, provided your ex has simply gotten caught up in a situation he can't climb out of just yet and that he is as well adjusted as any human can be, he could hit rock bottom with her, pull out, go back to you and atone for how much he has hurt you.

 

Life is short, love is not always easy to find and the older we get the more patient we become in terms of our timelines. Day to day, we seek instant results but upon reflection we appreciate that sometimes the best things in life are worth waiting for or at least trying harder and longer for.

 

Another thing that is clear is that we never have far to look to find turmoil in love. Its abundant and prevalent in relationship between two seemingly completely well adjusted people. It's the human condition. The French term c'est la vie " with a good French twist of the lips and dramatic head nod.

 

I hope you find the love you seek, because you sound like an angel for expressing your story without vindictiveness and with understanding. Of course, outlets such as these help a great deal. I hope you found some answers here.

 

My situation continues to play out and I have yet to decide what to do. I abhor games but it's clear that I have no other choice but to play because a good friend of mine expressed it perfectly when she said " I know you Patrick and your just not ready to let go yet " but I can. I chased my exw for a long time until I realized it was futile. When that happened, I let go of the rope completely and moved on. We shall see !

[frenchmanfl]

Here is a song that exemplifies the fact that heartbreak is not exclusive to any group. Do we give up ? Of course, there is a point at which we must but as far as I can tell, after almost 44 years, heart ache happens all of the time and everywhere.

 

As a musician I don't typically cruise over to the more commercial but this guy is a master musician so from time to time I do relent to the " mainstream " devil. This track though, beyond the message, is a killer.

 

 

By the by Florescent, your choice of Craig David was a unique one. He barely registered a blip over on this side of the pond, which is a pity. He is good ! His last album though reeked of trying to play the US junk r&b market and it was a poor CD. I hope he sticks to the influences in the UK.

[Downtown]

I suppose, in my case, in difference to say downtown, who had medical confirmation that his ex suffered from BPD, I have no such confirmation.

Nor did I, Patrick. If your exGF is a high functioning BPDer like my exW, there is about a zero chance you will ever obtain a formal diagnosis of her "having BPD." As an initial matter, BPD is notoriously under-diagnosed -- according to Randi Kreger, author of the #1 best-selling BPD book, Stop Walking on Eggshells. Kreger observes that, because the psychiatric community had based its 2% incidence figure on the number of diagnoses in hospitals and clinical settings, BPD prevalence had been greatly underestimated for many decades.

 

This view changed dramatically in 2008 when a large scale study of nearly 35,000 American adults was published. That expensive study had been funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, the largest organization in the world that funds and manages such studies. It found that the lifetime incidence of BPD (at the diagnostic level) is about 6% -- three times what had been believed for at least forty years. Kreger discusses this correction to the under-estimation of BPD at http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/i...opic=114843.20.

 

There are many reasons for this tendency of BPD to be greatly under-diagnosed by professionals who are treating clients (as opposed to those professionals involved in the large scale study). High functioning BPDers rarely are willing to seek therapy because they are convinced they are victims of everyone else's mistakes.

 

Moreover, in the unlikely event you get them into therapy, they can easily hide their BPD traits from the therapist during the 50 minute session held once a week. BPDers tend to be excellent actors because they've been practicing for a lifetime. And, as soon as the therapist stops playing their mind game, they typically quit therapy altogether or switch to another therapist.

 

Further, even when therapists manage to see a high functioning BPDer long enough to arrive at a proper diagnosis, it is very unlikely that they will tell her the name of her disorder -- much less tell her spouse or partner. One reason is that the therapists know she almost certainly will quit therapy on hearing such a diagnosis.

 

A second reason is that insurance companies usually refuse to cover BPD treatments because they (mistakenly) consider it untreatable. It therefore is common for a therapist to list the "diagnosis" as one of the Axis I disorders (e.g., depression, anxiety, PTSD, or OCD) that often are associated (as side effects) with BPD. Insurance companies are quick to cover those Axis I disorders but are very reluctant to cover any Axis II disorder like BPD. This is why I encouraged you to see a clinical psychologist -- on your own for a visit or two -- to obtain a candid opinion from a professional who has no ethical obligations to your exGF.

 

A third reason is that, because a BPDer is always searching for a self identity, providing her a new identity as "a BPDer" may well make her behavior much worse, not better. That is, she may suddenly start exhibiting 8 of the 9 BPD traits instead of only 6. For a better explanation of why the client's behavior may deteriorate following the diagnosis, see the classic 1992 journal article, "The Beginning of Wisdom Is Never Calling a Patient a Borderline," listed at http://jppr.psychiatryonline.org/cgi...stract/1/2/117.

 

The result is that, if you are the spouse of a BPDer, it is likely that hell will freeze over before any therapist will tell your spouse -- much less tell you -- that she has BPD. It therefore is not surprising that, although I spent over $200,000 taking my exW to weekly visits for 15 years with six different psychologists, NONE of them mentioned BPD. Indeed, the last psych, whom she saw for 5 years, refused to tell us any diagnosis -- always claiming that "labels are not useful." On my last visit, however, the psych did concede to me that my exW suffered from "a thought disorder" -- which, of course, is exactly what BPD is. Hence, I learned about "BPD traits" the same way you did -- by going online -- after I got out jail, where my exW had sent me on a bogus charge.

I fully believe downtown's view that I am an emotional rock but I am not ready to believe that this is all it's about.

More accurately, Patrick, that is my view IF you conclude that your exGF has most BPD traits at a moderate to strong level. Remember, it is my view that -- given all you've been reading about BPD traits -- you will be able to spot strong traits when they occur because there is nothing subtle about such traits. In contrast to you, I've never even met the young lady.

[frenchmanfl]

Hey florescent, what do you do ? I worked in Arizona for a semi conductor company selling to the Euro market and was in at 3am.

 

Yes your situation sounds like it was unmanageable. I have not gotten the rage or the " I don't respect you " but plenty has been thrown at me already. I believe my tolerance levels are much higher on account of my marriage and the research.

 

Thank you very much for the very kind words vis a vis my happiness and I wish the same for you.

 

Does life get any easier ? Jesus at this point, I was hoping so. I do know that there are benefits to all of this agony. I am learning patience and that things take time.

 

A story I always tell was when I was younger and full of grit I would watch my Father gets screwed in some business deal and I would jump up and down and ask him why he wasn't arming and firing up the nuclear arsenal and plugging in their coordinates and he would say patience son, what goes around comes around but it won't happen in the time frame you want it to. Inevitably, a few years down the road those partners would lose everything and my Father would get the last laugh or they would come back and beg for him to help.

 

Not sure what the point of that was but it's a story I like to tell because I am reaching that plain eh ? ( Had to throw a little Canada in there...Europe in North America, can you send us your socialist medicine PLEASE )

[frenchmanfl]

Downtown, I hope you didn't take offense to my " cant believe that I am just an emotional rock " By no means was it intended to question. I don't believe you took it that way but I want to make sure. I hope what has been clear is how much I value all of the input you have provided on what I know has to be given without the benefit of having ever met her. Hell I spin just trying to question if I have ever met her either. I just wonder if there is a deeper root to that emotional connection. It remains to be seen.

 

Florescent, just saw your question. It's difficult to render my opinion without sounding like I don't agree with your decision to leave. That is a decision only you could make.

 

I can only speak from experience. I was just about to say that this level of insult has yet to come up in my current situation but I then reflected and realized that my ? has thrown " you have mother issues " " Your immature " and the like, but I have become so immune to it all ( which is a good thing ) that I had to think about it to realize that it has already happened. As far as I am concerned " I don't respect you " is pretty soft. I say this without minimizing the impact it had on you. I am merely speaking in the context of your question.

 

This ability to absorb this kind of stuff came from my 20 year marriage. If anxiety was a component in your ex's make up or I guess even if it wasn't, the overwhelming evidence is to not take all of the sh*& that comes out of their mouths personally. When they are cornered their only way out of that corner is to throw the most vile ammunition at you. Your ex's use of " respect " clarifies that they didn't have sufficient personal information about what hurts you the most to use that instead. It was a very generic attack, IMHO. Again I am not trying to say that it didn't hurt you deeply.

 

However, which was probably the most disarming thing for me with my ex was that 30 minutes after launching these " straight to the heart " barrages at me, she would return to me as though nothing had happened. The benefit that I didn't have during the course of the entire 20 years was that I was oblivious to what anxiety diseases do to a person.

 

A perfect example was that whenever either she or we had to get on a plane, I learned to stay clear of her. For days prior she was standing on a knife edge and if I caused so much as the slightest stress she would throw everything AND the kitchen sink at me. I was the devil incarnate, such a contemptible character that I didn't deserve to walk the face of the earth. None of it had to do with me, she just needed a target on which to release all of the stress and anger.

 

Without any intention to steer you in any direction but anything could have triggered that comment from your ex, you may not have even been the source that caused the stress in the first place.

 

It takes training but the very first piece of advice that you will find is " don't take what they say personally. As a partner you will always be the nearest person and therefore the easiest target.

 

So in answer to your question, no I would not have given up based on that comment. Not if I genuinely loved the person in question. It is also important for me to note that I have received more apologies in the 8 months that I have been with my ?, then I ever did in the 20 years I was with my exw. While I believe that a person's capacity to admit fault and apologies shows strength of character my exw felt it showed weakness. I never relented to her point of view even though I was mocked repeatedly for being a wimp.

 

You don't have to put up with any of it though, but taking any of it personally is probably, from what I have read, at the top of the list of things you should not do. If you track back, based on a six month relationship what could you have possibly done to deserve an insult that could only be relevant in a relationship that has lasted years and years ? Short of if someone has spent those 6 months together sitting in a corner with a needle full of smack in their arm or screwing everything that walked, on what basis would such a comment been made ? Lack of respect builds over much longer periods of time.

 

My belief, while cornered, it was a pretty soft and weak attempt to lash out, nothing morel. You, not being prepared, took it very personally and I understand, but I bet if you get an answer from downtown or exit, that they, like I endured far far worse, because our respective others had the " benefit " of know who we were and therefore knew exactly what would hurt us the most or at least what would test our resolve.

 

I wasn't there nor do I have the full context of the conversation, but short of the examples I provided above, there is simply no foundation on which anyone can launch such an insult after a 6 month relationship.

 

Who broke it off ? Was it you ? If it was then it begs the question as to why they didn't if they had no respect for you. Why would they even entertain a relationship with someone they didn't respect, unless they were so shallow that it didn't matter. Very very rare indeed.

 

By asking this question you have shown you are searching for answers as to whether you made the right decision or not. I cannot answer that for you. A last note, my exw said so many of the things I mentioned to me at a time when I knew she was so deeply in love with me.

 

This article should provide further insight, but also note that retaliations like this are not exclusive to BPD. In the case of BPD, it is about trying to learn how to read actions and not words but I know from my own experience that in the case of people with anxiety illnesses, when they face an attack, every single defense mechanism goes into overdrive and their brains become so chaotic that they spit venom as a way of trying to get out of that corner.

 

I guess an analogy could be that you find the family dog, who you have loved and cared for for 10 years, caught in an animal trap. You know the animal knows you and you expect that it will completely understand that when you approach it to release it's leg from the trap it will lie over and allow you to save it. However, because it's mind is chaotic, stressed to the limit and racked with debilitating fear, it will lash out at your as though you are the enemy.

 

As usual, because of my love of writing and flowering I have likely overstated my case, but hopefully what I only see as my personal opinion has provided some insight.

[frenchmanfl]

Ooops here is the link

 

http://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2011/09/person-with-borderline-personality.html

[Downtown]

My ex was very sensitive, so blow ups and losing the temper were quite regular. ...never taken accountability for any of our problems, or show real remorse....

Fluorescent, if your Ex has moderate to strong BPD traits -- as you seem to be describing -- he does black-white thinking under stress, and nearly any serious discussion produces stress within ten seconds. This means he categorizes everyone -- including himself -- as "all good" or "all bad." There is no middle ground or grey area.

 

This also means that his penalty for accepting blame for anything is perceiving of himself as "all bad" -- a fate that is so painful for a BPDer that he rarely will be willing to admit to a mistake. A BPDer is so filled with shame and self loathing -- carried from early childhood -- that the last thing he wants to find is one more thing to add to the long list of things he hates about himself. To avoid that feeling of intense shame, he keeps a death grip on his false self image of always being "the victim." As I understand it, this is one reason why BPDers always want a partner around to blame for every misfortune that befalls them.

[Downtown]

Downtown, I hope you didn't take offense to my " cant believe that I am just an emotional rock " By no means was it intended to question. I don't believe you took it that way but I want to make sure.

No, Patrick, I didn't take it that way. On the contrary, I felt you were giving me too much credit -- thinking I had reached the conclusion that your exGF regarded you only as an emotional anchor. What I had actually said was that, IF your exGF is a BPDer, your primary value would be that of an emotional anchor. But I don't know whether she is exhibiting most BPD traits at a moderate to strong level. I've never met her. I nonetheless am confident you will be able to figure it out if and when you have more time with her.

[Exit]

So much good stuff in this thread. I actually haven't made any threads about my own situation, so some may not know that I feel I went through many of the things being discussed here with my own ex. Maybe on some subconscious level it's some sort of embarrassment that I gave this person another chance and got a negative result again. Whatever the case, I haven't mentioned a lot of my own personal details, but much of the conversation in this thread resonates with me. Like many others have figured out, Downtown has a lot of insight and great information to share.

[frenchmanfl]

Thank you florescent for sharing and I understand your decision. I still don't know where I am going. The one thing I do know, after now building anger is that I simply will not accept any alternative, which is not much different from your situation.

 

I will say this as it pertains to something I recognized in my own situation. When my ? broke things off that one time. Things went silent, I went silent. It was not until three weeks in that I sent a letter that said I wanted another go at us. I didn't realize until later that this letter was delayed in getting to her. She left a message on my machine saying I told you to send it this route, I didn't get it til a few days ago. She was calling to re-connect. My point...I believe she felt guilty and was worried that I had given up because I didn't fight back, but instead went silent. And note that she reached back out to me in a round about way, not let's talk or anything like that. This was about the clearest example of reading her actions and not her words. It has become abundantly clear that BPD's are deathly afraid of relinquishing power. I am only guessing here but if what I have read is correct, this power is the skeleton that keeps them propped up. Any forfeit means the house might crumble in on itself. It's not Gordon Ghecko's version of power but rather likely a survival mechanism, which does shine a new light on things.

 

As mentioned before I can take it all, except for the possibility that I have to compete for her heart. Won't do it, will not play that game !

 

Exit, what broke the camels back for you ? You say you gave her a second chance and regretted it. Of course, if it's too personal...

 

A bientot les amis.