Relapse - Break NC finally?

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

I went to meet a friend a few nights ago, he's just found out his gf has been cheating on him for a few months now with some guy and he's pretty distraught.

 

I met my friend through work, and he didn't know me when I was going through my own very rough break up, so we met in the pub and he told me the story. In return I told him my own story and related some of the similarities and how I got past it. It was the first time I've spoken about it in person to anyone in at least a year.

 

Because he was never there, I explained details I myself had forgotten all about, and now I find myself opening old wounds. I'm replaying all the old problems, arguments and things in my head and wondering if I can't try to heal the rift between us. I haven't spoken to the girl in almost 2 years now, but I've seen her around: she hasn't seen me, but I often wonder if she would acknowledge me if she did.

 

Do you think 2 years is enough time passed that we might be able to talk about it? Or has there now been too much time passed and it might be difficult to talk about?

[PoppyLove89]

If you feel ready to talk to her then I don't see why you shouldn't but remember that two years is quite a long time and people change so you might find you aren't the same two people who fell in love. But I guess it depends what you're contacting her for? Do you want a reconciliation or just to see if you can become friends?

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

If you feel ready to talk to her then I don't see why you shouldn't but remember that two years is quite a long time and people change so you might find you aren't the same two people who fell in love. But I guess it depends what you're contacting her for? Do you want a reconciliation or just to see if you can become friends?

 

A reconciliation like getting back together with her? No, absolutely not. I'll always love her in some way, I know. If after 2 years without speaking to her I still feel something for her, I have to face that I'll never fully stop. I'd like some answers, she never really explained why she broke up with me. I got some half assed story that was probably masking the real reason, maybe even to her, but I've always wanted to know why, the real reason.

 

My friend told me he was going to call his ex and tell her they needed to talk and clear the air, get some closure. I told him that he wasn't going to get the closure he wanted because there's still a lot of anger there, and he said he would rather argue with her than lose contact altogether and never really have closure. And I have to admit, I feel the same way. When I knew I wouldn't get the closure I needed, I went NC, hoping that she would eventually come to me, but she hasn't. Should I now break NC and try and get it all out there? Try and get some much needed closure and maybe have her back in my life, albeit in a lesser way? I hate that she's still affecting me 2 years on, it's a nightmare. I have a life to live and this is making things difficult.

[PoppyLove89]

Well first of all, how would you contact her? Since it's been 2 years nc i think calling her would be somewhat of an ambush so perhaps text or email her? do you even know if she still has the same number? either way, i'd suggest you keep things like and chatty at first like "hey stranger...how you been? " or something so she doesn't feel awkward - like you literally just want to catch up with her etc.

 

However, since you already feel like you'll never get her out of your life fully and it's getting in the way of you moving on, do you really think being friends with her is going to help?

 

It's entirely up to you, you've gone 2 years without talking to her so i dont see the problem with throwing a message her way since getting no reply shouldn't set you back

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

Well first of all, how would you contact her? Since it's been 2 years nc i think calling her would be somewhat of an ambush so perhaps text or email her? do you even know if she still has the same number? either way, i'd suggest you keep things like and chatty at first like "hey stranger...how you been? " or something so she doesn't feel awkward - like you literally just want to catch up with her etc.

 

However, since you already feel like you'll never get her out of your life fully and it's getting in the way of you moving on, do you really think being friends with her is going to help?

 

It's entirely up to you, you've gone 2 years without talking to her so i dont see the problem with throwing a message her way since getting no reply shouldn't set you back

 

My options would be either to email her or contact her on Facebook. I deleted her number, and God knows she's probably changed it several times in 2 years, she never was good with phones. As far as light and chatty goes...I doubt it, unfortunately. See, that's the problem: I can't move past it without talking about it and getting an answer from her. I'd need to be assertive in what I want. There's still anger there. I'm just hoping that, after 2 years, she's ready to be friends and apologize for the way she treated me. That's all I hope for.

 

I don't know if friends will help. Probably not, but the alternative is what? Thinking of her every so often and wishing I could send her a text? Asking myself the same question I've been asking myself for two years: why?

 

I did NC because my ex controlled the whole situation, and the only thing I could control was whether or not I spoke to her, but its not working. I want to either get her out of my mind forever, or have her in my life so I don't feel quite so bad...

[PoppyLove89]

Have you had a serious relationship with anyone since this relationship ended? Because chances are you won't fully get over her until you fall head over heels in love with someone else...it's usually how it goes. Obviously you'll still think of her, I still think of my first ex boyfriend whom I went out with on and off for 3 and a half years, but I no longer have any romantic feelings for him since I'm madly in love with my current ex.

 

Obviously you'll get down to the serious talk eventually but I really think that after such a long time, the best way to get what you want out of this contact (closure) is to soften her up by being friendly and chatty at first...that way she won't feel cornered - mind you, I don't know your ex so I don't know how she'd react if you just jumped right in with the question of 'why?'.

 

As much you would like to, if you emotionally ambush her in an email, I think you run the risk of her just ignoring it all together. Are you friends on FB?

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

Have you had a serious relationship with anyone since this relationship ended? Because chances are you won't fully get over her until you fall head over heels in love with someone else...it's usually how it goes. Obviously you'll still think of her, I still think of my first ex boyfriend whom I went out with on and off for 3 and a half years, but I no longer have any romantic feelings for him since I'm madly in love with my current ex.

 

Obviously you'll get down to the serious talk eventually but I really think that after such a long time, the best way to get what you want out of this contact (closure) is to soften her up by being friendly and chatty at first...that way she won't feel cornered - mind you, I don't know your ex so I don't know how she'd react if you just jumped right in with the question of 'why?'.

 

As much you would like to, if you emotionally ambush her in an email, I think you run the risk of her just ignoring it all together. Are you friends on FB?

 

Serious relationship? No, not really. I have had two; I'm still in the 2nd one, which is getting more serious, but I still maintain a certain level of distance. My current girlfriend knows and understands this, and what I went through and how I feel. As for head-over-heels love, no: I don't really believe in it now. I'd prefer a stable relationship which isn't too romantic or passionate or intense, its easier to walk away that way, and there's not as much turmoil or emotion, also a good thing.

 

No, we're not friends on Fb. I deleted her, and had my friends delete her (she was furious with me for that, I think it was a bit of a hit to her ego that my friends would delete her without a second thought), although one or two do still have her on Fb. I run the risk of having her ignore it either way, really. Chances are she will. If I leave her a message or an email, God knows if I'd hear back. I'd be happy to make small talk if I thought it would lead to the bigger stuff but knowing my ex, she'd want to forever ignore it. She's the kind of girl who blocks stuff out and ignores certain things in her past that don't suit her.

[PoppyLove89]

I think that's fair enough. You've learnt from the past and always keep your guard up a little - that's not a bad thing by any means but trust me, you'll know when the right girl comes along because she'll just knock that emotional barrier right down! At the end of the day, if you're happy now that's all that matters

 

Well if you run the risk of her ignoring it, why even give her the satisfaction of hearing from you? Even though you still think about her and are still angry with her, for all she knows you've moved on and are happier than ever...that's the best revenge in my book. By all means send her an email but I'm worried that it'll just leave you with even more questions running round in your mind than there are already. Once you get one answer, you may want to start looking for more.

 

It all depends on whether or not you think you can emotionally handle it all. If you feel strong enough, I say go for it! Just don't allow it to set you back and jeopardise what you have with your current girlfriend. Btw, have you told her you're thinking about emailing your ex?

[Exit]

Closure and resolution comes from within. I've pined over exs for some loooong periods of time but never so much so that 2 years after the fact would I go contacting someone over feelings of mine that still weren't resolved.

 

You say you did NC to prevent your ex from controlling the situation, yet you make it clear who still has the control here- her. You make it sound like you're not in control of your healing and moving on, she still has a piece of your heart in her purse and you have to go politely ask for it back. And making contact with her again goes against that argument of not wanting your ex to control the situation, because the second you send that text or email or make that call, you're not in control anymore, and it depends on what her response is.

 

If you don't want her controlling the situation, then take control yourself. You shouldn't still want an explanation from someone 2 years down the line. Here's the explanation for you: she's the type of person who would end a relationship without giving a reason, and not bothering saying anything about it for the next 2 years. What more do you need to know?

 

Anything short of contacting her and having her break into tears and reveal that she's been so broken up about what she did to you and has wanted to apologize but didn't know how, would probably be less-than-satisfying anyway, and I doubt that ideal situation is going to happen.

 

Picture this: she just gets a good laugh out of the fact that someone still thinks about her 2 years later. Do you want to give her that satisfaction?

 

We can't tell you what to do, if this is just going to eat away at you and you need to risk the disappointment, then go ahead.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

I think that's fair enough. You've learnt from the past and always keep your guard up a little - that's not a bad thing by any means but trust me, you'll know when the right girl comes along because she'll just knock that emotional barrier right down! At the end of the day, if you're happy now that's all that matters

 

Well if you run the risk of her ignoring it, why even give her the satisfaction of hearing from you? Even though you still think about her and are still angry with her, for all she knows you've moved on and are happier than ever...that's the best revenge in my book. By all means send her an email but I'm worried that it'll just leave you with even more questions running round in your mind than there are already. Once you get one answer, you may want to start looking for more.

 

It all depends on whether or not you think you can emotionally handle it all. If you feel strong enough, I say go for it! Just don't allow it to set you back and jeopardise what you have with your current girlfriend. Btw, have you told her you're thinking about emailing your ex?

 

I felt like the right girl was her. She was the one I was utterly madly in love with. And if it felt so right, how the hell could it go so wrong? I spent 3 years chasing the girl! When we finally got together, I just figured that'd be it. Now I know better, and I think this notion of romantic, can't-get-enough-of-you love is naive and unrealistic. If anything those feelings are premature and born of an insecurity or a need of validation - but that's just my opinion.

 

The girl I'm with just now is great, she's really wonderful; she makes me laugh, she's very witty and funny and clever. We're also very alike and we've been together for 3 or 4 months now I think and we've never argued or anything, compared with my ex who I only dated for 6 weeks, after said 3 years of chasing, when she dumped me after our very first argument. Still, I think about her, and have feelings for her, despite being happy with the girl I'm with just now.

 

All I want is answers. She never really told me why she dumped me, she just...did. I have to know. I've waited 2 years, seriously how much longer do I need to wait?

 

Part of me doesn't want her friendship, certainly not the friendship of her friends or family who dismissed me just as quickly as she did, so that might be an obstacle if we become friends again, but the biggest part of me doesn't want to miss her anymore, I just want to stop feeling this way, and maybe talking to her, getting some closure, becoming friends again, might be the solution to that.

 

I really don't think dating any other female will ever help this situation. I'm in as good a relationship right now as I'm ever likely to be, if it doesn't stop me feeling for my ex, nothing will.

 

I get what you mean about giving her the satisfaction; God knows it probably would give her satisfaction: in fact, I remember telling me (when we were dating) about exs of hers who'd gotten in touch with her at the time to try and reconcile. She seemed quite smug about it in retrospect. I don't want to give her that, but I feel like I'm out of options.

 

No, I've not told my current gf about any of this. I feel like she's heard enough of it, and probably doesn't want to hear more. She'd be fine with it and she'd talk me through it but she has her own things to deal with and I feel like she doesn't need to take this on too.

[Exit]

Looks like we ended up posting at the same time, and in your latest post, you reveal you only dated for 6 weeks after 3 years of pursuit?! Add that to the two years that you've been letting her occupy space in your mind since then, this girl has 5 years of your mental energy going down the toilet. There's no way you found someone was "the one for you" or anything in just 6 weeks of an actual relationship.

 

Returning to what I said above where I said picture her just laughing when you contact her after 2 years, coupling that with the new information that you pursued her for 3 years and dated for less than 2 months, I DEFINITELY think she might get a good laugh out of it. You have been such a source of energy for this girls ego and you just keep supplying.

 

Please just pay attention to the nice girl you're seeing now.

[PoppyLove89]

I didn't realise that you'd only dated for 6 weeks...in this case I think the main reason you're still pining for her is because you were so infatuated with her that you never go to see 'what could have been'. She's the one that got away and this is why she's still stuck in your mind.

 

This changes everything, I thought you were in a long-term relationship with her, but now that I see it wasn't and you chased her for 3 years before she gave in (how did this work exactly anyway?) well then I'd rather you didn't contact her. She seems to get off on knowing people pine after her; you said it yourself, she seemed smug when talking about her other exes. Do you want to be one of those guys she references to her current boyfriend? I wouldn't want her laughing over me.

 

Concentrate on your girlfriend now, it sounds like you have a good thing going on and it would be a shame for this to ruin it all

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

Closure and resolution comes from within. I've pined over exs for some loooong periods of time but never so much so that 2 years after the fact would I go contacting someone over feelings of mine that still weren't resolved.

 

You say you did NC to prevent your ex from controlling the situation, yet you make it clear who still has the control here- her. You make it sound like you're not in control of your healing and moving on, she still has a piece of your heart in her purse and you have to go politely ask for it back. And making contact with her again goes against that argument of not wanting your ex to control the situation, because the second you send that text or email or make that call, you're not in control anymore, and it depends on what her response is.

 

If you don't want her controlling the situation, then take control yourself. You shouldn't still want an explanation from someone 2 years down the line. Here's the explanation for you: she's the type of person who would end a relationship without giving a reason, and not bothering saying anything about it for the next 2 years. What more do you need to know?

 

Anything short of contacting her and having her break into tears and reveal that she's been so broken up about what she did to you and has wanted to apologize but didn't know how, would probably be less-than-satisfying anyway, and I doubt that ideal situation is going to happen.

 

Picture this: she just gets a good laugh out of the fact that someone still thinks about her 2 years later. Do you want to give her that satisfaction?

 

We can't tell you what to do, if this is just going to eat away at you and you need to risk the disappointment, then go ahead.

 

Keep in mind she isn't aware of any of this. As far she knows, I don't care. And yes, my contacting her would ruin that, but what else would you suggest? "Man up" is not a viable option here. I did everything that was suggested to me - I went NC, I forgot about her, I moved on, I found someone else, I have a whole different life to the one I had with her: new job, new apartment, new group of friends, doing new things; Hell I even joined the gym and did all that at one point.

 

If I can relapse like this after a conversation with a friend, what can I expect from the future? To just deal with this feeling every so often and allow it to get in the way? If I cede control to her and get it over with, there's a chance I'll get some kind of answer, and even if its not the one I really want, its an answer. I can maybe then walk away with a renewed sense of love. All the things she said she felt about me, all those "firsts", I can't believe they're lies. If she felt as strongly as she did, she wouldn't just be able to walk away: no one's that inhuman. There's a reason, there has to be.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

I didn't realise that you'd only dated for 6 weeks...in this case I think the main reason you're still pining for her is because you were so infatuated with her that you never go to see 'what could have been'. She's the one that got away and this is why she's still stuck in your mind.

 

This changes everything, I thought you were in a long-term relationship with her, but now that I see it wasn't and you chased her for 3 years before she gave in (how did this work exactly anyway?) well then I'd rather you didn't contact her. She seems to get off on knowing people pine after her; you said it yourself, she seemed smug when talking about her other exes. Do you want to be one of those guys she references to her current boyfriend? I wouldn't want her laughing over me.

 

Concentrate on your girlfriend now, it sounds like you have a good thing going on and it would be a shame for this to ruin it all

 

Well, I asked her out not long after we'd met, and she said no because she didn't feel that way, but asked if we could still be friends. I agreed and we spent the next 3 years getting closer and closer while bringing our social circles together (like I said earlier, once she ended things, her social circle seemed to dump me as well), so we all more or less hung out in the same group. Except we got closer and closer and all of our friends started saying we would end up together. I never stopped hoping, but I never told her. We just remained very good friends, through some difficult times (my grandmother died and I found it quite difficult, she was there for me then), and so, 3 years in, I stayed at her place one night to watch films and...it just kind of happened. We took it from there.

 

Some friends of mine have also said, since, that she is the kind of girl who gets off on attention, and there's certainly evidence to support this.

 

However, there were a lot of "firsts" like I said in the previous post. She really made me feel like she was crazy about me, and that's what really puzzles me is how she can do a complete 180 like that, if she was lying I'd really like to suggest to her a career in Hollywood, she would be perfect for it.