One issue with making a man wait for sex

[misssmartypants]

Really it's just another aspect of compatibility. I just don't understand the implication that sex is owed in exchange for time spent. Perhapse those men who feel wronged somehow for not having had their sexual needs met in a timely manner ought not to be angry at women.

 

A better might be to clearly indicate when you expect sex to begin in the start of the relationship so that potential mates who are not on the sme page can bow out gracefully. There really is nothing worse than the feeling that your partner is just counting down until the time when it's ok to have sex

[PlumPrincess]

When I was younger it took me a while to sleep with me I fancied but that was around the time when I was 20 and not confident.

 

Nowdays, after several long term and short term relationships under my belt, I don't see the point in waiting for sex. I want to get to know the man I'm dating and sexual intimacy is just as important to me as any other kind. In fact almost more so because I believe you can draw a lot of conclusions from what a man is like in bed (and I don't mean technique) at his most vulnerable.

 

As a mature adult, I honestly don't understand why adult women make men wait for sex. Surely it's in everyone's interest to find out whether you are compatible long term? I dumped men after finding sex unsatisfactory after a handful of dates, it happens the other way around too. What's the big deal? It's not some ridiculous 'them and us' deal. Yes some men only want sex and those are only good for that too. So what?

 

To be honest, from what I have seen so far, it's the boring, passive girls that are more likely to be pumped and dumped. In my experience men like to stick around when they feel they are getting what they want, it's usually too much hard work for them to keep looking. You do need the ability to judge character to a degree of course but women's fears over men disrespecting them is misplaced a lot of the time - in my experience. But then again I don't have trouble relating to men in a positive way I suppose.

That's quite a lot of arrogant assumptions about women who want to wait in one single post. I really like posts where a woman says, "I'm so different and much better than other women, blablabla, they don't get men, but I do, blablabla..."

[LittleTiger]

it depends on a lot of things. and yes, it depends on the people you associate with. i'm a city person, i meet other city people. people who moved here, usually alone, who are content to be in a new place, by themselves, and make a new life for themselves by themselves.

 

they don't have to worry about what their family thinks, or their friends from high school think, or what someone at the church they grew up in thinks, because those people aren't around.

 

they are making their own rules.

 

but that doesn't make them 'most women' either. just most where i am and where i go.

 

as for loveshack i assume most people come here to vent because of bad relationship situations so i'm not assuming that this forum is representative of 'most women' or 'most men' either.

 

LS certainly isn't representative of the general population but I think most people here know that - we are discussing things amongst ourselves.

 

 

How does your comment regarding the independence of city people relate to this topic? Do you mean that city people are less likely to care what others think and are therefore more likely to have sex early?

 

 

At my age, I have both 'city' friends and 'country' friends. Most of us are very single-minded and perfectly happy to make our own decisions about our own bodies and who we share them with. Family, old friends and even upbringing should be irrelevant once you're a grown-up in your 40s.

 

 

My only generalisation is that 'most women' or 'most people' are looking for love rather than just sex and I stand by that opinion since it's based on human psychology. It also explains the existence of this website and many other's like it.

 

 

The point of my original post was only to say that sex after a first date or after six months of dating, or anything inbetween is something that is negotiated between 'interested parties'. If one isn't ready and the other can't wait, there's no point in moaning about it - just find someone who thinks the same way you do.

[LittleTiger]

As a mature adult, I honestly don't understand why adult women make men wait for sex. Surely it's in everyone's interest to find out whether you are compatible long term? I dumped men after finding sex unsatisfactory after a handful of dates, it happens the other way around too. What's the big deal? It's not some ridiculous 'them and us' deal.

 

Nobody is making anybody wait for sex. A mature adult woman has a right to decide when she is ready to have sex with a man - and the right time can be based on many different factors. As you say, it's not 'them and us' - sex involves two people making a joint decision to engage in an activity together - when they both feel it's right to do so.

 

Some women may be scared to have sex too early for fear of being used, others prefer to have sex with someone they love and trust - so they wait until they feel love and trust. I don't understand why that's an issue.

 

Of course it is in everyone's interest to find out if sex will be good. It's also in everyone's interests to find out if there is an emotional connection. Some people want to check out sexual compatibility first, other's want to check out emotional compatibility. If there's a mismatch - move on.

 

Many women are unable to have sex without forming an emotional attachment and, for them, early sex is inadvisable. You couldn't expect such a woman to sleep with every guy she had a handful of dates with because she'd end up an emotional mess.

 

The 'big deal' could be something different for every woman. For many it's the fact that she has a high level of self respect and prefers not to share her body with every guy she dates. Like it not, there are plenty of men, even in this day and age, who find a 'sexually selective' woman very attractive.

[Lovelybird]

When I was younger it took me a while to sleep with me I fancied but that was around the time when I was 20 and not confident.

 

Nowdays, after several long term and short term relationships under my belt, I don't see the point in waiting for sex. I want to get to know the man I'm dating and sexual intimacy is just as important to me as any other kind. In fact almost more so because I believe you can draw a lot of conclusions from what a man is like in bed (and I don't mean technique) at his most vulnerable.

 

As a mature adult, I honestly don't understand why adult women make men wait for sex. Surely it's in everyone's interest to find out whether you are compatible long term? I dumped men after finding sex unsatisfactory after a handful of dates, it happens the other way around too. What's the big deal? It's not some ridiculous 'them and us' deal. Yes some men only want sex and those are only good for that too. So what?

 

To be honest, from what I have seen so far, it's the boring, passive girls that are more likely to be pumped and dumped. In my experience men like to stick around when they feel they are getting what they want, it's usually too much hard work for them to keep looking. You do need the ability to judge character to a degree of course but women's fears over men disrespecting them is misplaced a lot of the time - in my experience. But then again I don't have trouble relating to men in a positive way I suppose.

you probably watch too much Sex in the City?

[thatone]

lol @ the hive mind not accepting one who decided to live her own life rather than everyone else's?

 

you guys gonna take away her woman card?

 

i can show you all real life examples that perfectly match exactly what she's talking about. especially the 'not confident' part.

[PlumPrincess]

lol @ the hive mind not accepting one who decided to live her own life rather than everyone else's?

 

you guys gonna take away her woman card?

 

i can show you all real life examples that perfectly match exactly what she's talking about. especially the 'not confident' part.

She could jump into bed with every guy on the first date and none of the women here would have an issue with that. It's her attempt to put other women who want to wait down that is creating animosity.

[Oxy Moronovich]

Emilia wasn't looking down at other women who wait for sex. She's actually saying something positive. She's saying if a man uses a woman for sex then it shows how lame he is not the woman.

[LittleTiger]

lol @ the hive mind not accepting one who decided to live her own life rather than everyone else's?

 

you guys gonna take away her woman card?

 

i can show you all real life examples that perfectly match exactly what she's talking about. especially the 'not confident' part.

 

There are plenty of very sexually confident women who choose not to jump into bed with a man until they know him and trust him - that's just as much living their own lives as a woman who has sex on the first date.

 

We all have choices. Choices we make for ourselves and not based on external influences. We're all women and nobody needs their 'woman card' taking away because of the choices they make. Each to their own. Just because our choices are different doesn't mean any of us have 'issues' with sex.

 

A sexually confident woman is usually confident in other ways too - and as such, she doesn't let other people's rules dictate what she does - which includes men's rules (or other women's rules) on when sex is appropriate.

[Taramere]

As someone else posted.....we're damned if we do/damned if we don't. I have had sex too soon and realized what a mistake it was. I think if a girl has sex too soon, the guy's opinion of her changes from "I think this is someone I could date" to "She's a good lay, I might hit that a few more times while I continue to look for a girl I can date".

 

I tend to think that the only time to have sex very quickly is if you have a very strong chemistry with somebody (and also get a sense of them being trustworthy) but a relationship isn't feasible...eg because of age difference or geography. If I have sex somebody a few times, I'm going to start feeling emotionally connected to them.

 

I rarely get that strong instant chemistry with somebody. If I do, and it's clear that a relationship isn't possible (ie only because of external circumstances and not because they don't "do" monogamy, or view themselves as a player, or any of that stuff), I'd rather have sex once with them, then never see them again - though it's not exactly something I do very often. It's very rare that I meet somebody I have that instant "pow" plus a strong sense of trust with.

 

The more often you have sex with somebody (I think, anyway) the harder it becomes to walk away.

 

The risk, as you say, of having sex with somebody who you like but aren't actually in a relationship with is that's exactly what it'll become. A booty call situation. I've seen over and over again, plus read countless examples on this board of how miserable that can leave women.

 

We have to take responsibility for our own welfare and happiness, and the sexual choices we make are part of that. Nobody has some divine entitlement to another person's body just because they happen to want it. Even in marriage, the law recognises that a person's body is their own and that their spouse is not entitled to have sex with that body whenever they choose and without the consent of its owner. It's sad that there have to be laws to clarify what any reasonably respectful individual would never need to be told....but there it is.

 

In response to the OP, if I met a man and started having sex with him once I felt that a relationship and genuine feelings had developed, then he indicated that there was no relationship and he'd just been "playing" me to get sex I'd think it was very small of him, but I've been on the planet long enough to accept that the existence of people like that. I think I'd get over it without much angst or drama.

Edited January 16, 2012 by Taramere

[oldguy]

As I began to read this thread I was thinking it was a guy's advertisement for why woman should be giving it up & the woman here where presenting their side & I was relieved they spoke up, thank you.

 

The “real world” always only = “your world”, I’ve spent the past 3 decades visiting other peoples, “real world”, so trust me on that one, it’s amazing at just how small & secluded everyone’s, “real world” is.

 

The use of the word, “normal” is grossly over played as well. There is average but not so much normal & if one falls significantly outside of the ‘average’ they simply become a curiosity. This thread could be a good example of a curiosity.

 

Most men who want a woman to put out on the first date will also, at some point, and repeatedly begin to ask this question; if she did it with me on the first date, did she do it with everyone on the first date? Of course for many of them this epiphany doesn’t become a concern until they have a couple of kids & are a happy little family & then they would come to me hoping for relief from their torment, or simply go through hell or divorce or split.

 

Promiscuity itself is always a symptom, for both men & woman, always. Now I’m sure some are going to read much more into that but after careful consideration & editing that statement stands on its own.

Edited January 16, 2012 by oldguy

[Emilia]

That's quite a lot of arrogant assumptions about women who want to wait in one single post. I really like posts where a woman says, "I'm so different and much better than other women, blablabla, they don't get men, but I do, blablabla..."

 

Well I don't seem to struggle like they do so what does that tell you?

[Emilia]

you probably watch too much Sex in the City?

 

a fictional show about neurotic, high maintenance women who are serial daters and who try to screw guys over as much as they can?

 

No I don't

[Titania22]

yeah but men think the same thing, that's another thing i posted above. it's a catch 22, he won't commit so she won't commit. she won't have sex with him so he withdraws from her.

 

Thatone, I have a question for you.

 

If you started seeing someone, who told you quite honestly, 'i generally fall in love when I have sex'.

 

How would you deal with that? (Dump her, have sex with her anyway, want to wait to have sex until you felt you would like her to be in love with you, etc)

 

With me, this is pretty much a fact of life. What would you advise for a woman like me, wanting a relationship?

 

Many women are unable to have sex without forming an emotional attachment and, for them, early sex is inadvisable. You couldn't expect such a woman to sleep with every guy she had a handful of dates with because she'd end up an emotional mess.

 

[Emilia]

 

The more often you have sex with somebody (I think, anyway) the harder it becomes to walk away.

 

The risk, as you say, of having sex with somebody who you like but aren't actually in a relationship with is that's exactly what it'll become. A booty call situation. I've seen over and over again, plus read countless examples on this board of how miserable that can leave women.

 

.

 

I think both men and women consider attachment when they have sex with someone 'too early' (whatever that means) and that's normal. I had felt intimidated by guys who had a strong effect on me straight away (different from sexual chemistry) and I wasn't sure whether sleeping with them too soon would be a good idea - ie before I found out whether they were good for me or not. That was because I didn't trust them, my judgement of character is pretty good, and I watched them to see what they were like. It didn't take long to work out that they were not genuine enough and I walked away.

[Emilia]

lol @ the hive mind not accepting one who decided to live her own life rather than everyone else's?

 

you guys gonna take away her woman card?

 

i can show you all real life examples that perfectly match exactly what she's talking about. especially the 'not confident' part.

 

Good luck, they won't get it. If they did they wouldn't play passive victim all the time sitting by the phone instead of picking it up and call.

[Emilia]

double post

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Carhill

Just as I always pay for the first few dates, I always proactively extend care, empathy and intimacy first with any woman I find attractive enough to date. Reading posts in this thread caused a light bulb to go on regarding this dynamic, which feeds into the 'let me love you' theory I've been working on to better fine-tune my people-picker. LS is a great place to learn 

 

The short version is, if a woman is intimate with me but chooses to not be sexual with me, then she's letting me love her, rather than loving me in a mutually synergistic and healthy way. I use the word 'love' to shorten all the words and actions of intimacy. The relationship is unbalanced and unhealthy. Clarity.

 

Carhill, then for you, the only way you can be loved is through the sexual and you receive no emotional support or intimacy from women other then sex?

 

I’ve agreed with everything Cyprus has said. Basically what a lot of guys on here are saying is that there is no reason to stick around with a woman unless your getting sex. Isn’t that the kind of men women are trying to avoid?

[Emilia]

Basically what a lot of guys on here are saying is that there is no reason to stick around with a woman unless your getting sex. Isn’t that the kind of men women are trying to avoid?

 

Why? I wouldn't date a man who wasn't giving me sex either. I love getting hot and sweaty with someone I find sexy, love it when he whispers dirty things in my ear and gets hooked on being physical with me. Love it when he wants to make me happy in any way he can. Why on earth would someone not want that???

[silvermercy]

Why? I wouldn't date a man who wasn't giving me sex either. I love getting hot and sweaty with someone I find sexy, love it when he whispers dirty things in my ear and gets hooked on being physical with me. Love it when he wants to make me happy in any way he can. Why on earth would someone not want that???

Because getting hot and sweaty just for the sake of being hot and sweaty means LESS to the majority of women. (With some exceptions I suppose). In fact, getting hot and sweaty can get them feel hurt and used if the man dumps them after this sweaty hotness. Now, why would a woman actively seek getting hurt and used for a few moments of sweaty hotness? (Well, unless she had secret sadistic tendencies...)

[Emilia]

Because getting hot and sweaty just for the sake of being hot and sweaty means LESS to the majority of women. (With some exceptions I suppose). In fact, getting hot and sweaty can get them feel hurt and used if the man dumps them after this sweaty hotness. Now, why would a woman actively seek getting hurt and used for a few moments of sweaty hotness? (Well, unless she had secret sadistic tendencies...)

 

Are you saying you don't like sex?

 

(The term is 'masochistic' not 'sadistic' by the way)

[silvermercy]

Are you saying you don't like sex?

 

(The term is 'masochistic' not 'sadistic' by the way)

Of course I do. That's not the point I was trying to make.

 

(In my mother language we use sadistic, too. Thanks for the word correction.)

[Emilia]

Of course I do. That's not the point I was trying to make.

 

(In my mother language we use sadistic, too. Thanks for the word correction.)

 

While I posted another post on this page on why I exercise caution with certain guys, I don't understand why you can't let go and enjoy the experience for what it is sometimes? Why is the constant worry about 'will he dump me or won't he dump me' when YOU don't even know whether you want him long term? He might suck in bed or is boring or lazy or whatever. Why worry so much about what he is going to do after sex when you don't even know whether you will want him anyway? I just don't get it.

[Emilia]

Well she is a woman....

 

OT: I think it's silly that some men here are trying to convince women to have sex early on. What if your mother or sister are activley dating? Do you think they should have sex with every Tom, Dick and Harry who takes them out for dinner?

 

Ah! Here comes the limitation of many on this thread including you: I don't go out with every Tom, Dick and Harry for dinner

 

I'm not a serial dater and the pool of guys I find attractive is actually rather tiny. Some people - especially in the States from what I have heard - make a very regular habit when it comes to dating. Mine is strictly for those I fancy.

 

Shock, horror: sometimes I take them out for dinner even! Fancy that! A woman who buys a drink or a meal for the man she is sleeping with. The cheek of it

Edited January 16, 2012 by Emilia

[silvermercy]

While I posted another post on this page on why I exercise caution with certain guys, I don't understand why you can't let go and enjoy the experience for what it is sometimes? Why is the constant worry about 'will he dump me or won't he dump me' when YOU don't even know whether you want him long term? He might suck in bed or is boring or lazy or whatever. Why worry so much about what he is going to do after sex when you don't even know whether you will want him anyway? I just don't get it.

This constant worry is what most women (and some men) have intrinsically built in their systems by default. You can't throw that away no matter what.

 

So, that's the thing: I WILL make sure I want him as my partner before I sleep with him. How compatible we will be in bed is something we will explore together anyway over a longer period of time (and from our discussions beforehand). I sure won't dump someone for his sex skills alone, especially if everything else clicks (because it's the "everything else" that's difficult to find nowadays). And if we don't end up together anyway, at least we will both have tried. This way nobody is gonna end up feeling used in the end. And feeling used is one of the worst feelings in the world.