One issue with making a man wait for sex

[tbf]

I keep seeing the threads about waiting for sex but have you ever thought that if a man wanted sex with you bad enough he would wait and the once he got what he wanted do what someone that got it on the first date would do. There are some men that would do that. It like I heard from someone once: If that man or woman wants something from you, they will "play the role" of your ideal companion for a while. Then, at some point, their true self will be revealed. And you will feel like you wasted a lot of valuable time (and money).

Anything's possible but the majority of males who aren't looking for anything serious can only wear a caring mask for so long before they dash or display bits of their true self. So it does work well as a filter for most situations where women are left with fewer probabilities of selecting dine and dashers. But as with everything else in romantic relationships, there are no guarantees.

[ThaWholigan]

Of all the threads that could have gotten bumped

[ktya]

1. I want to get to know him enough to be sure we are mostly compatible.

2. I want to know that I can trust him.

3. I want to be decently sure he isn't sleeping with others.

4. I want to be sure we will be exclusive.

5. Of course there's the attraction factor or I wouldn't date him.

6. IF I happen to be dating others (unlikely - I'm a one date at a time mostly)

I want to weed it down to one first.

7. I want to be sure he is at least likely to want a committed relationship with me.

 

1. If you want to wait long enough to ensure he is mostly compatible what if the guy is terrible/weird in bed/freaky/BDSM/etc ? Sexual compatibility, if it is lacking, is a dealbreaker for most people.

 

2. I think that this board is filled with angry women who had their hearts broken by a guy who turned out to be a jerk months and months into the relationship. How long will you wait?

 

3. There is no way you will ever know this for certain until you live with him. And even then people manage to get away with cheating.

 

4. Exclusivity before sex will be hard to achieve with any man who has multiple options. This comes up all the time. If the guy has two girls he can call to have sex with, and you who wont have sex with him, why would he choose to drop the other two when he has no idea what he's buying?

 

5. You can figure out if he's attractive in the first five minutes of the first date.

 

6. Personal choice on your part. No comment.

 

7. This is a weird misnomer women posess all the time. Guys dont hate on women who put out on even the first date. Great sex is a selling point on the guy wanting to go exclusive and engaging in a committed relationship. If he is getting all his needs met by you, and you have great times outside of the bedroom, why would he not want to go exclusive and get committed. Whether he is interested in a committed relationship is something that you can tackle on the first date with a simple question, "So are you looking for something long term, or are you just looking to keep it casual?"

 

Im not here to be the poster boy for telling women to put out as quickly as possible, this is a personal choice that only an individual can make in their unique personal situation.

 

However "holding out" on sex and demanding exclusivity before the act does not necessarily get women answers like the above that they are seeking, and will actually drive away men who are more desirable and who have more choice.

 

Final thought. If a woman is willing to hold out for weeks/months for sex to get answers like the above, they must not find sex in general to be very enjoyable. Maybe bad experiences, poor performing sexual partners, or sexual dysfunction? I know many women who love sex and have no problem having sex rapidly if they find the guy attractive and enjoyable to be around.

 

All the girls I've dated/been in committed relationships with who put out on the first or second date I have had an amazing sex life with. The ones who made me wait or leveraged their vagina for other goals were like sacks of potatoes in bed who treated sex like a chore. I'm sure not all women are like that but thats been my experience.

[GoreSP]

FFS would people please stop worrying about when to have sex and just have sex when YOU feel like it.

[hotpotato]

Guys who only want sex reveal themselves quickly. I can't say I've ever had a man fake an entire relationship just for sex.

 

There are plenty of men who want to make an exchange after a date or two. He buys dinner, then you give him sex. Once again it's obvious if you know what to look for.

[AncientEchos]

Final thought. If a woman is willing to hold out for weeks/months for sex to get answers like the above, they must not find sex in general to be very enjoyable. Maybe bad experiences, poor performing sexual partners, or sexual dysfunction? I know many women who love sex and have no problem having sex rapidly if they find the guy attractive and enjoyable to be around.

 

Now that would be as foolish as me assuming that every person who enjoys having sex on the first or second date is incapable of true intimacy or forming healthy emotional bonds and therefore must be emotionally damaged somehow. Perhaps their mothers were prostitutes who entertained while the children watched television in the living room. Doesn't that sound ludicrous of me to say? Don't put other people's choices down or assume they are damaged because they don't think the same way you do or approach life and relationships the same way you do.

 

 

The ones who made me wait or leveraged their vagina for other goals were like sacks of potatoes in bed who treated sex like a chore.

 

Anyone who views a woman's vagina in these terms should stick to engaging the services of a prostitute. At least with a prostitute you are guaranteed the bang for your buck.

 

I have never made anyone do anything. You don't like my approach, feel free to walk. I'll hold the door open for you.

 

I do not owe any man sex simply because he wants to have sex with me.

Edited April 17, 2014 by AncientEchos

[JourneyLady]

1. If you want to wait long enough to ensure he is mostly compatible what if the guy is terrible/weird in bed/freaky/BDSM/etc ? Sexual compatibility, if it is lacking, is a dealbreaker for most people.

 

True, but it's never happened. For one thing, I'm in an older category and if we are compatible in other respects, it's unlikely he's that weird (or that I am) haha!

 

2. I think that this board is filled with angry women who had their hearts broken by a guy who turned out to be a jerk months and months into the relationship. How long will you wait?

 

Well, I've been heartbroken in the past by having to leave a jerk, as strange as that may sound. But generally, if there are any red flags, they will show up within the first six dates. How long those six dates take depends on how often he asks me out.

 

3. There is no way you will ever know this for certain until you live with him. And even then people manage to get away with cheating.

 

Very true. My ex-hubs cheated after 30 years. There's NO WAY to guard against it except be sure the relationship is as solid as you can make it. However, had I waited a bit longer, I would have seen before sleeping with him that one of the most recent dates was still "hunting" online...

 

4. Exclusivity before sex will be hard to achieve with any man who has multiple options. This comes up all the time. If the guy has two girls he can call to have sex with, and you who wont have sex with him, why would he choose to drop the other two when he has no idea what he's buying?

 

First in my age group, that's highly unlikely as most of us have been in longer term marriages, or at least relationships and that is what most of us are looking for. (I've found those who aren't are generally impatient and trying to put the sex idea in your head from date one!)

 

5. You can figure out if he's attractive in the first five minutes of the first date.

 

I meant attractive in terms of his attitude. How nice is he toward others? Is he racist or homophobic? How does he react when his computer isn't working right? (heh) Am I attracted TO him in a way I cannot tell from a photo?

 

6. Personal choice on your part. No comment.

 

7. This is a weird misnomer women posess all the time. Guys dont hate on women who put out on even the first date. Great sex is a selling point on the guy wanting to go exclusive and engaging in a committed relationship. If he is getting all his needs met by you, and you have great times outside of the bedroom, why would he not want to go exclusive and get committed. Whether he is interested in a committed relationship is something that you can tackle on the first date with a simple question, "So are you looking for something long term, or are you just looking to keep it casual?"

 

To the last - some guys will lie about wanting to be in long term or even whether they are exclusive with you. I've had it happen more than once. To know if a person is lying, it helps to observe him over time and in many situations. As for not judging you for sleeping with them on the first date, I've seen opinions here (from the guys) that go against that. That's asking me to jump out of a plane without knowing if the parachute works.

 

Im not here to be the poster boy for telling women to put out as quickly as possible, this is a personal choice that only an individual can make in their unique personal situation.

 

However "holding out" on sex and demanding exclusivity before the act does not necessarily get women answers like the above that they are seeking, and will actually drive away men who are more desirable and who have more choice.

 

If the guy wants me around for more than sex, he can enjoy the "more than sex" until I've developed enough trust in him to share. If he walks, I am less hurt than if I share and THEN he walks. If he chooses to walk, he doesn't get hurt as badly. You guys don't realize you are ENTERING the woman, not the other way around. You are invading our bodies... which for some of us at least, tend to bring our hearts along for the ride.

 

Break up with me before sex and you're just a possible that didn't work out.

After having sex, it really is an emotional downer and depresses many of us in a highly personal way. We feel self-esteem fall and it takes months to work it back up. That's true for many of us females, but it is quite normal and not something most of you guys are tuned into. So you can't understand it.

 

Final thought. If a woman is willing to hold out for weeks/months for sex to get answers like the above, they must not find sex in general to be very enjoyable. Maybe bad experiences, poor performing sexual partners, or sexual dysfunction? I know many women who love sex and have no problem having sex rapidly if they find the guy attractive and enjoyable to be around.

 

All I can say is you're real off there... I've got so say I've been busy with the toy and if I was seeing him more often, even more so. GOD I love sex, and it's one of the things I miss most. But the last jerk I had it with was a real downer and I ignored the red flags because we were already having sex. I felt really stupid and it took two months to feel enough self-esteem to be confident dating again after that downer.

 

All the girls I've dated/been in committed relationships with who put out on the first or second date I have had an amazing sex life with. The ones who made me wait or leveraged their vagina for other goals were like sacks of potatoes in bed who treated sex like a chore. I'm sure not all women are like that but thats been my experience.

 

I don't know about "leverage". I just want to know that the man I give it to intends to be with me. I can tell you as a personal experience that in any decent long term relationship that is good, sex actually improves over time if neither party gets complacent. My ex-hubs knew my body as intimately as his own and could get me off extremely quick.

 

Here's a story. I slept with my five year ex-boyfriend on our third "date" (they weren't even dates really). I've described elsewhere why I chose to do that. In any case, two months into the relationship we're having sex and he suddenly starts criticizing me for not knowing how he liked being given head. That is, the mechanics (you know some like it rougher, some are more sensitive... that sort of thing). He was practically still a stranger! I should have walked right then and stayed gone. It was humiliating. I cried and then he felt guilty and "comforted" me, so I stayed. Long story short, he turned out to be an abuser and the chemistry was such glue I couldn't extract myself from the relationship for five more years.

 

See, for some of us, sex is like super glue. We want to make sure we actually are going to want to stay with the person we use that glue with, and vice versa...

 

The more sex I have with someone, the more likely I am to stay with them longer and the more hurt I will be when it doesn't work out. That's just in my biology. THAT'S why I've learned to hold out... Not from any sense of power or "withholding". Guys used to know this stuff about women. Older divorced or widowed guys still do in most cases.

Edited April 17, 2014 by JourneyLady

[JourneyLady]

 

The ones who made me wait or leveraged their vagina for other goals were like sacks of potatoes in bed who treated sex like a chore.

 

Anyone who views a woman's vagina in these terms should stick to engaging the services of a prostitute. At least with a prostitute you are guaranteed the bang for your buck.

 

I have never made anyone do anything. You don't like my approach, feel free to walk. I'll hold the door open for you.

 

I do not owe any man sex simply because he wants to have sex with me.

 

^^^ This.

An attitude like that, I would say the guy is unlikely to treat me with respect and affection from the get-go, and I wouldn't date him, much less sleep with him! (= the quoted statement)

[todreaminblue]

I am a dreamer and i want to trust the guys i date because i know there are trustworthy men who will be faithful and committed.... have them in my family many of them.......i have a snap shot in my mind at the moment ill share it.....an old couple in a shopping plaza walking up to the butcher shop ....i was with my youngest daughter...she said mum quick look at this.......this is so cute they both waddle like penguins....my daughter had the biggest smile on her face.....two old people so concerned about each other who walked the same way they had a definite penguin waddle....arthritus in both walking very slow...but they were so happy.......love in their eyes....so glad my daughter and i got to see that beautiful elderly couple that day......my dreamer heart rejoiced.......

 

do i believe there are men out there who want the bigger picture........you bet says my6 dreamer heart.......i really do believe eventually good people find deach other people who will last through what life throws at them ......love endures....so if love endures you have to believe it to find it

 

 

as far as i go ......guys know what to say to me because i tell them what i believe in i tell them that i have been cheated on and it isnt something i want......i want the penguin kinda love........i want to waddle some day and pick out meat at a butcher shop with someone for another disheartened person to keep as a memory....soem young girl sees me waddlign with soemoen and gets a big smile...and feel hope love exists.......do guys promise me this...yes they do plus much more because they know i want to hear it and unfortunately with love.......if i am looking for it ...i have to allow myself to trust that what they say is true......eventually if it isnt...you do know the real truth......do i tell my girls to look for love yes......

 

 

but

 

 

 

you need to protect yourself by knowing the guy a bit before you commit to penguin love..even then dotn be blinded by what you want him to be over what he is or could become..so you dont get hurt and then maybe you actually find your penguin and not a cuckoo...seek and ye shall find and dont nest with cuckoos, boot the cuckoos out as soon as the mask slips, clean your nest and .....find the penguin.....smilin....still seeing the penguin couple in my mind..yep ima a dreamer..:0).good luck in love..deb

[Grumpybutfun]

I am a dreamer and i want to trust the guys i date because i know there are trustworthy men who will be faithful and committed.... have them in my family many of them.......i have a snap shot in my mind at the moment ill share it.....an old couple in a shopping plaza walking up to the butcher shop ....i was with my youngest daughter...she said mum quick look at this.......this is so cute they both waddle like penguins....my daughter had the biggest smile on her face.....two old people so concerned about each other who walked the same way they had a definite penguin waddle....arthritus in both walking very slow...but they were so happy.......love in their eyes....so glad my daughter and i got to see that beautiful elderly couple that day......my dreamer heart rejoiced.......

 

do i believe there are men out there who want the bigger picture........you bet says my6 dreamer heart.......i really do believe eventually good people find deach other people who will last through what life throws at them ......love endures....so if love endures you have to believe it to find it

 

 

as far as i go ......guys know what to say to me because i tell them what i believe in i tell them that i have been cheated on and it isnt something i want......i want the penguin kinda love........i want to waddle some day and pick out meat at a butcher shop with someone for another disheartened person to keep as a memory....soem young girl sees me waddlign with soemoen and gets a big smile...and feel hope love exists.......do guys promise me this...yes they do plus much more because they know i want to hear it and unfortunately with love.......if i am looking for it ...i have to allow myself to trust that what they say is true......eventually if it isnt...you do know the real truth......do i tell my girls to look for love yes......

 

 

but

 

 

 

you need to protect yourself by knowing the guy a bit before you commit to penguin love..even then dotn be blinded by what you want him to be over what he is or could become..so you dont get hurt and then maybe you actually find your penguin and not a cuckoo...seek and ye shall find and dont nest with cuckoos, boot the cuckoos out as soon as the mask slips, clean your nest and .....find the penguin.....smilin....still seeing the penguin couple in my mind..yep ima a dreamer..:0).good luck in love..deb

 

Lovely, deb. I waited for my wife to be ready, she adored me and wasn't playing games, and we have been together for twenty years. She was scared due to religious and child abuse, so sometimes there are very valid reasons for things. It seems most men think women use sex for leverage when I think women see it as just not being ready yet...too bad there is such distrust amongst the sexes. Caution is prudent for both. Jumping into anything can be detrimental.

 

My wife and I have penguin love, I can see us waddling together when we are old.

Best,

Grumps

[todreaminblue]

Lovely, deb. I waited for my wife to be ready, she adored me and wasn't playing games, and we have been together for twenty years. She was scared due to religious and child abuse, so sometimes there are very valid reasons for things. It seems most men think women use sex for leverage when I think women see it as just not being ready yet...too bad there is such distrust amongst the sexes. Caution is prudent for both. Jumping into anything can be detrimental.

 

My wife and I have penguin love, I can see us waddling together when we are old.

Best,

Grumps

 

 

awww penguin love....smilin at grumpy......so kewt.....deb

[chelsea2011]

but, zengirl and cypress, it isn't all about you. that's the catch. it takes two people to make a relationship happen, not one giving the other what they want.

 

besides, whether the sex is on the second/third date or second/third month, women can't 'catch' men with sex. men simply aren't wired that way. not that it stops them from trying...

 

plus phineas' description is entirely accurate with many women. women string along men by denying them sex, while getting the male attention THEY desire. it happens all the time.

 

so the natural response for a man, as i've posted in other such threads, is to simply not play along. if the woman denies sex after a reasonable period of time, the man needs to deny her the attention she wants. and at that point the relationship is over.

 

If that keeps happening to you over and over again it's time to start looking at the women you are choosing to date. Could be that you have a broken "woman picker."

[joystickd]

If that keeps happening to you over and over again it's time to start looking at the women you are choosing to date. Could be that you have a broken "woman picker."

Yeah that is true but if a woman is interested she isn't going to put a timeline on when you can have sex. Most men don't want power struggler type women. Women only make men wait to control the dynamic of the relationship.

 

She gets dumped and assumes it's because she gave up the kitty too early. The reality was that he may never really saw her as relationship material and other factors could have played into it. It's the same scenario as the guy that got dumped and felt he was too nice. Chelsea you are right in that respect but the promise of sex and the thought of sex are powerful things and women will use the sex card in the hopes of proving that a man is into them and them not really having to reciprocate when he needs to but when they feel good and ready. That is manipulation in the highest form.

 

It universally understood men interact with women for the purpose of sex. If you know this and make me wait when you know I'm interested the best thing is to leave