Someone make sense of this cluster

[VertexSquared]

So, here's my side of things. I want brutal, honest opinions. It's long and I don't expect anyone to read it, but I appreciate those that do.

 

I basically grew up in a suburban town on the west coast. I have always been a computer nerd interested in math, science, coding, school, video games, foreign language, problemsolving etc. Unfortunately, I never knew too many like-minded people growing up. I got bullied often even though I did have a decent circle of friends.

 

Thing is, my family picked on me, too. My father prioritized sports and thought it was more important to put me into football, soccer, baseball, and basketball, even though I hated all of them with every fiber of my being. I wasn't great at them, and I just got made fun of by everyone. I have a younger brother who WAS into sports and he was obviously in my father's good graces.

 

I never got into trouble, kept straight A's, was valedictorian of my school, had perfect SAT scores, got into multiple top schools, achieved a plethora of awards, kept good company, never drank, did drugs, got traffic tickets, trash the car, make messes, etc. I feel like I did a lot of things that a parent would be proud of. But none of it mattered. My father was so hard on me for absolutely no reason and would ground me constantly. My parents often spied on me, installed remote-viewing software on my computer, invaded my privacy, etc. Even if I had to write an essay, he'd lock the computer up. That was often my punishment since he knew I spent so much time on it. My brother was the opposite. He failed everything, got into trouble, broke things, made messes, and antagonized me constantly. He'd get away with it all -- no exaggeration. He was rarely punished.

 

From my father's perspective, I was being disrespectful. A son listens to his father's demands, according to him. A family wasn't a democracy -- it was a dictatorship (his words), and it was his house, his rules. He did not ever support or prioritize anything I thought was important. Likewise for my mother, who was a stay-at-home mom. She usually sided with my father, although admittedly she kept him from beating the **** out of me sometimes when his temper skyrocketed.

 

Was I disrespectful for staying up past midnight working on an assignment against his wishes? Sure, but in my mind, education was more important than heeding an arbitrary rule that made no sense. I felt like I had more than proven myself responsible.

 

I felt like an outcast in my own family.

 

One day in high school, my parents had marital problems because my mother was cheating on him with this guy, John. They started reconciling things, although one night, my father drank too much and got killed in an accident. It was hard on everyone. My brother quit sports and ended up in a life of crime/drugs while I focused on school to keep myself sane. John moved in with my mother. I eventually left the toxicity of it all and went to college back east.

 

John, in my opinion, is a manipulator. He's an older retired guy who basically controls my mother and convinces her how to spend all the savings/life insurance. They spent ungodly amounts of money on alcohol and vacations and sports vehicles, etc. She's not capable of making her own opinions/decisions. At the end of the day, they chose not to support my college education because "What do they get out of it?" So I wound up getting stuck with nasty loans after a year of college.

 

College was nothing like I wanted it to be. I spent so much time angry and depressed, not sure how to afford everything. I never had financial support or a family support net. My grades slipped. I had a breakup freshman year that crushed me pretty hard. After that, I wound up in a destructive two-year relationship with a girl who was a bad influence. I hated college and never got to experience what I had always envisioned for myself.

 

Fast forward a few years. I graduate into a jobless market and it took me a while to land a job here in the city. I spent sixth months with a relative who also turned out to be destructive while I was looking for work. Without any money, and with no food in the house, I had to sell off my possessions to last. Eventually, I found work here in the city. My relative extorted me and refused to drive me to the airport. I managed to get out and come here to the city and begin work.

 

Now I have built myself back up. I live in an apartment with a great girlfriend, have a great job, and have been having a great new life. And yet, I still feel a lack of closure with everything. I hate my father. I hate my mother. Every time my mother and I talk on the phone, which isn't often, we fight and argue. My brother recently got out of his life of drugs and has been staying clean. While that's great, it's all my mother ever talks about. She is infinitely more proud of his staying clean than she ever was about anything I did.

 

During one conversation, my mother revealed a lot to me. She acknowledged that my father was hard on me. Much of it has to do with the fact that he and my brother were a lot alike. When my father was younger, he didn't care much about school, got into trouble, liked sports, etc. He saw my academic prowess as threatening, and he hated feeling like his son was smarter than he was. He enjoyed being able to exercise power over someone he found threatening and was jealous of. No matter how bad of a day he'd have at work, he could always come home and take it out on me. He found joy in depriving things from me and treating me with inequality just to crush me. Side example: When Christmas came around one year, he had got a N64 for my brother -- and some VHS tape for me that I already owned. I know, #firstworldproblems, but it's an example of what I mean.

 

I feel victimized, and I feel alone. I hate feeling like I am somehow wrong in all this. I need an outside perspective to tell me what the hell is going on. I'm so angry.

 

My father's dead and there's no way I can ever square things away with him. There's no closure. My mother's pretty much crazy and I rarely get a rational conversation with her because John's either yapping in the background or she's too smashed. There's no trust anymore. I can't tell her anything in confidence without her telling John. There's no relationship. I feel like all my life I've been ignored and made fun of instead of loved and supported.

 

So, I'm pretty much on my own. While my new life is great, I hate feeling like I have no family. I don't know what to do.

Edited January 14, 2012 by VertexSquared

[setsenia]

My husband had a similar situation when he went to live with his mother and stepfather at 16 years old. My husband is the most trustworthy, easygoing person I know. He also, like you, never got into trouble, did drugs or any of that. He did everything his parents told him to, but they were never satisfied. They always found something to complain about. They would rain down on him if he didn't finish a chore right or forgot to do something. At 22, they would open his bank statements, all his mail and complain to him about his finances, even though it was none of their business at that point. They would belittle him for wanting to make a job change in effort to improve his life. They came down on him so hard, you'd think he was a troublemaker. They were more than perfectionists, they had problems. He didn't realize it until I came into the picture and pointed out that he didn't deserve that kind of treatment. It sounds like your parents are the same way. My husband's father was good to him and he was forced to live with his mom and stepfather when he passed away. His mom never really cared to be a mother to him, so I'm sure he could relate. He feels as if he has no parents. Both of his parents had cancer and I'm sure he wish it was his father who went into remission instead of his mother. His mother pretty much used him and tossed him under the bus when she went into remission.

 

They recently disowned us over "facebook comments". We tried to apologize for whatever they misunderstood and they basically want nothing to do with us, or even their own son. I bet it's harder for my husband knowing his mother is alive and not wanting to be in his life, versus if she passed away and he would be able to mourn and move forward with his life. If the person is still living, there is never any closure, but I see what you mean. It sounds like you built a better life for youself. Focus on that and all the positive things you have in your life. Surround yourself with other relatives and friends who care about you and don't focus on the negative people. You also might consider seeing a counselor about your history, so you have someone to talk to.

Edited January 14, 2012 by setsenia

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear of your background and I can understand why you feel so angry. You are basically a studious and responsible guy who grew up in a family that were macho, sports loving and crushed anything they didn't understand. It's very typical bullying behaviour to pick on those who are different.

 

I don't know how you get past this other than to recognise that they were different types of people. You have achieved so much, despite their lack of support. You have forged a path for yourself and followed your inner guide, despite the difficulties. You should feel proud of yourself.

 

I know this doesn't stop the hurt. To a certain extent, I was in a similar position. My father was similar to yours but not to that extreme. My father also didn't understand why I would want to study and be artistic but fortunately my mother provided something of a buffer between us, although, deep-down, she still thought he was right at some level. It does hurt to have a powerful parent think you are rubbish and treat you with disdain and disrespect, but you know you are actually an incredible guy who has worked his way through these difficulties. It may help you if you can see a counsellor and talk about all these things, just to get chance to rant and have someone understand how much it hurt and to help you unravel the real you who has so much to offer and has learned from his experience. I'd recommend finding a counsellor who has experience of child abuse because your father's behaviour did amount to abuse and it's not surprising that you are feeling as if that's the case now.

 

I really wish all the best with your future as the confident, decent guy you have always been.

[Eve]

I would not bother to go too deeply, unless it is to prevent yourself from going down the same path.. which sounds unlikely.

 

OP, it is just a bad set of dynamics. My theory is that much of the time people run along on bare instinct until they have to change. Your dad did not have to change and you saw the result of this; he was a dick to you and his family. Still he was your dad and for what it is worth try and keep three things alive from him which he did right. Don't brush everything else under the carpet or anything mad like that but just be aware that there were some good elements to him - just not enough.

 

This is how I gained closure from a similar set of circumstances.

 

All that matters is that you do not perpetuate the not so great aspects. Personally, I gained much relief from coming to understand that this is a universal thing, not exclusive to heavily unhealthy relationships.

 

Your mums assessment sounds spot on.

 

You have done well for yourself.. well done. Many do not make it or just simply get stuck repeating stuff from the past.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Dust]

You always rub me the wrong way. You always feel so sorry for yourself. You've made sense of the cluster already so stop asking so lost and jealouse of every one from your gf (if you still have her) to your brother.

 

What kind a guy gets picked on by his little brother?

[spookie]

I explicitly remember you writing in another post that you had not family because BOTH of your parents were dead.

 

WTF was that all about? Pretty nasty thing to make up if you ask me.

[norajane]

So, I'm pretty much on my own. While my new life is great, I hate feeling like I have no family. I don't know what to do.

 

A lot of people who don't have family, or who don't feel like they have family, create supportive and caring relationships with friends. Give of yourself to others, and the people that stick around and give back become family over time.

 

I don't have any advice on the anger. It always helps me to consider that my parents were young and didn't know how to be parents so they made mistakes. But it's hard to think that way when you have so much fresh anger without an outlet. I think it's good that you can write about it - it helps to get your thoughts and feelings out.