A Midnight Dream

[Susan]

Last night I dreamt I met the man of my dreams (!) who just happened to want me as badly as I wanted him. We chased each other in a merry dance around the city before he took my hand, led me upstairs and was about to make love to me when my boyfriend let out a roaring snore that brought the whole thing crashing down.

 

I dream like this day in day out but that's not my problem only a symptom of something much bigger.......

 

I have been with my partner for four years now. A year and a half ago after months of unhappiness I moved out, started a new life, dated and although single life wasn't everything I thought, I felt in control again. And then I'd get that phone call while I am in bed late at night - it would be him on the end of the phone crying like I have never heard a person cry before in my life. I raced over to his home to find him on the floor surrounded by pictures of us on out tour of Europe. He couldn't talk for the tears. That image will stay with me for the rest of my life and I think I will always feel guilty and responsible. At the time, the guilt ate me up so much I started going over there - he was so happy when I was there. He simply could not come to terms with the situation but much worse was to come.

 

I'm at work one afternoon. He calls me up to say his mum has been diagmosed with lung cancer and he's on his way to pick me up so we can go over there. Now his parents never knew we had split - i don't know why we hadn't told them yet. I suppose we were avoiding it and in the situation we decided it would be better not to announce it at the already difficult time. So we get to his parents house and we hold his mum and we all cry and say "You'll be OK" "let's be strong" "I love you mum". Three weeks later I'm holding her hand as she dies. That last thing she said to me was that she loved me - I will never forget.

 

We buried her that week and we carried on our facade - my partner even put a picture of us together in her coffin - that fact alone weighs very heavily in my mind. After 37 years of marriage his father was so distraught everyone pulled together and we spent most of our time at his dads place pretending that everything was OK. After 6 intense months of doing this we kind of convinced ourselves that everything WAS OK and I thought our pretense would help his dad through it (more than us splitting up atthat awful time).

 

That was one and a half years ago and I've never truly been happy in the relationship. Images of him crying when i left last time haunt me. I dream of other men and other lives at night. I dream of that picture in his mothers coffin and I want to be faithful to his mums last vision of us - we were together. I don't know how I can leave. I don't know that I have the strength but I have to live with this unhappiness day after day and sometimes the pain tears me up inside.

 

Can anyone help me find the strength?

[Tony T]

You have got problems with hair on them.

 

To live your life through guilt is to give yourself a death sentence at the outset.

 

GET AWAY FROM THIS GUY AT YOUR SOONEST OPPORTUNITY.

 

Just because some dying person sees you with her son and there's a picture of the two of you in her coffin does not mean you have to be with the guy forever. Why in heaven's name did you permit this??????? You were not married to her son??????? And she cannot see anyway. She should have taken a picture of her children and her husband if she thought she would gain consciousness and have adequate lighting in her grave at some point.

 

This woman is DEAD. If you would like, you can have her exumed and replace your picture with mine. Having my picture next to a dead person doesn't bother me a bit. What if you had been at her deathbed with your brother. Would that mean you would have to live with your brother the rest of your life.

 

I think a few therapy sessions will do wonders for you. Or just go out and buy Albert Ellis' book, "How to Practically Never Upset Yourself About Anything."

 

If your guy knows the reasons you are hanging around in a relationship with him and keeps you there, he is a no good, low life, scum bag, classless jerk and he should have never been born.

 

Get a life, get some guts and stop being pushed around by the world. Start living your own life the way you want to and not the way some guy's dead mom wants you to. Stop feeling guilty because your picture with a guy is in his mom's coffin six feet under the ground where it will one day decay and blend in with the dirt.

 

Your ability to guilt manipulate yourself is so bizarre. I hope you will get some help TODAY!!! You are wasting the best days of your only life on this planet. And leave this guy IMMEDIATELY and let him know just how pissed off you are that he has kept you around under such circumstances...or let him know how mad you are at yourself for allowing yourself to be guilt manipulated.

 

Work on this guilt thing. It is a mostly totally worthless emotion that can be extremely destructive. Obey the law, be good to people, be GREAT to yourself, and you won't need guilt.

 

That you have stayed around so long in this situations out of guilt makes me so angry and sick and mad as hell at your boyfriend. He just has to know and he is a slimebag.

[Tony T]

I thought if I got a few hours sleep I would feel a bit less harsh about this but I don't.

 

This guy obviously loves you in some very perverted way, but not nearly enough to care whether you are happy or not. Real love sets free and wants the beloved to be happy. When you break up with him, cease every bit of contact. If you go and see him looking at pictures and crying, there will be problems all over again. Do not take calls from him. He has done nothing for you at all but manipulate you and steal years from your precious life.

 

The guy is just way too dumb to understand that no purpose is served in his life by imprisoning someone through guilt who doesn't want to be with him. Understand, he is so much better off with someone who really wants to be with him. Obviously, he has learned from a child to get what he wants by making other people feel guilty...and, even in death, his mother helped him do this.

 

As I said in my previous post, do whatever you can, see whoever you can, etc. to get over this guilt thing. If you live your life by having guilt guide your every action, you are is serious trouble. Here you are in a situation you dislike greatly because of guilt. People with healthy emotions would have gotten away long ago, picture in the casket or not...that is so irrelevant.

 

I even went so far as to get more sleep and I still hate what this guy has done to you. I mean I am sick about it. Please do something about this horrendous situation that has a grasp on your soul TODAY. No free human being deserves to live like this.

 

Men who manipulate through guilt in such a heinous fashion should be put in prison for life.

[Re: A Midnight Dream]

you've got to live your life the way you want to. don't let the guilt get to you. your post doesn't say how long you were separated before you found him crying with your pictures strewn around him. it takes time for anyone to be able to get over a person. be honest with him and do what makes you happy. sometimes you have to break someones heart to be happy but would you rather live with that or knowing that you will never find hapiness with this person. please do something about this situation.

[Jenna]

How would you feel in 50 years- if you looked back at your life- and saw decades of wasted time? All for someone who has been dead the whole time?? Someone that you were not even related to??

 

This man is sick- sick to use his tears- sick to use his dead mother- sick to use you. This is the kind of person that will threaten suicide as a means of keeping someone from leaving. (if he hasn't already)

 

You are not responsible for this man's happiness- HE is. YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness- and only you.

 

For God's sake- don't waste your life on someone who doesn't truly love you- or even understand the "meaning" of love. Think about the big picture- where do you want to be in 5, 10, 15, 50 years???? Happy right?? You are on the wrong path- if it is happiness that you seek.

 

Jenna

you've got to live your life the way you want to. don't let the guilt get to you. your post doesn't say how long you were separated before you found him crying with your pictures strewn around him. it takes time for anyone to be able to get over a person. be honest with him and do what makes you happy. sometimes you have to break someones heart to be happy but would you rather live with that or knowing that you will never find hapiness with this person. please do something about this situation.

[Deejette]

I agree with Tony. You will not get the Nobel Peace Prize for being a martyr to a relationship that is not fulfulling to you.

 

I had been manipulated in the past by someone who threw himself in front of my car so that I could run him over, because I told him I would not see him again. He called me every night and filled up my voice mail with pleading, crying messages.

 

I realized this was more about him than it was about me. It was his way of dealing with a woman, with rejections, and with not getting his way. If I stayed with him out of pity, I would have an emotional cripple on my hands that would run my life with his every tear.

 

Why be unfulfillled in life just so you will keep him from crying. You deserve to be in a relationship that involves real love, not emotional blackmail.

I thought if I got a few hours sleep I would feel a bit less harsh about this but I don't.

 

This guy obviously loves you in some very perverted way, but not nearly enough to care whether you are happy or not. Real love sets free and wants the beloved to be happy. When you break up with him, cease every bit of contact. If you go and see him looking at pictures and crying, there will be problems all over again. Do not take calls from him. He has done nothing for you at all but manipulate you and steal years from your precious life. The guy is just way too dumb to understand that no purpose is served in his life by imprisoning someone through guilt who doesn't want to be with him. Understand, he is so much better off with someone who really wants to be with him. Obviously, he has learned from a child to get what he wants by making other people feel guilty...and, even in death, his mother helped him do this. As I said in my previous post, do whatever you can, see whoever you can, etc. to get over this guilt thing. If you live your life by having guilt guide your every action, you are is serious trouble. Here you are in a situation you dislike greatly because of guilt. People with healthy emotions would have gotten away long ago, picture in the casket or not...that is so irrelevant.

 

I even went so far as to get more sleep and I still hate what this guy has done to you. I mean I am sick about it. Please do something about this horrendous situation that has a grasp on your soul TODAY. No free human being deserves to live like this. Men who manipulate through guilt in such a heinous fashion should be put in prison for life.

[Rogue]

Why not simply say "I'm miserable.I can't stay with you just because I don't want to hurt you. I want to move on. Please let me go."

 

Break up of long term relationships are MUCH harder on me than women.What he went through is what most of guys go through when it happens. We go through this awful feeling of loneliness and despair. WE guys feel that the loss will never be replaced,and that we will never find anyone else or be happy ever again. Guys tend to feel like life is S***T ,and go about moping and depressed for days.A whole lot of sobbing and crying go on too for some guys,but usually in private.

 

But the truth is break-ups MUST happen,and we DO eventually find other people to love and we DO eventually get over it.If you broke up with your boyfriend now, he would do all these things that I talked about. But if you broke with him,and told beyond the all doubt the it is over between you forever....he would HAVE to come to terms with it.

 

It's important to tell him your breakup is permanent,that you will never go back to him. This is harsh at first for the guy,but in the long run it is much more humane. A lot of women make the mistake of being ambiguous when they break up.They talk about "space",but a lot of men don't know what that means. This often leads men to delude themselves about the breakup,thinking that is only temporary, or that they can win her back by trying harder.

 

Of course,you know this isn't the case,but men often don't realize this. The hardest part of breaking up for men is letting go! The sooner a man sees that it is truly over,the sooner he can start to move on.If he feels in any way he still has chance of making it work,he'll keep trying to get the woman back! So,by not being clear about the breakup at the beginning,women often end up making men suffer longer,because men will try to hold on if they can. It's a guy thing.

 

Break up with him gently but firmly.Tell him simply you care for him as a person but you are not in love with him. Let him cry and sob.It's painful to watch but it's a part of life.In time,he will get over you. Trust me he will.And remember,let him know it's over for good so he can start over sooner.

[Susan]

Rogue,

 

I really like what you have said. I have said to my partner several times whilst in tears, " please let me go - I'm not happy and I need you to love me enough to let me go". But he doesn't believe, he jus can't believe that I mean it - he'll say I'm hormonal (WHAT!!!). The sad fact is that I am not strong enough or havent been to put an end to this pain wothout his consent (!)and I still fantasise about someone coming along whisking me off my feet so I dont have to feel the immense pain of a break up. A friend has offered me a room as a half way house for next to no rent until I get on my feet. I think thats the window of opportunity I need to make the move but I'm dying inside with the thought. I dont handle these emotions well and I cant seem to let them flow through me. I'm totally numb from so long pretending. I hope that when its all over I cry all this away.

 

Thanks for your advice:)

 

Susan

Why not simply say "I'm miserable.I can't stay with you just because I don't want to hurt you. I want to move on. Please let me go." Break up of long term relationships are MUCH harder on me than women.What he went through is what most of guys go through when it happens. We go through this awful feeling of loneliness and despair. WE guys feel that the loss will never be replaced,and that we will never find anyone else or be happy ever again. Guys tend to feel like life is S***T ,and go about moping and depressed for days.A whole lot of sobbing and crying go on too for some guys,but usually in private. But the truth is break-ups MUST happen,and we DO eventually find other people to love and we DO eventually get over it.If you broke up with your boyfriend now, he would do all these things that I talked about. But if you broke with him,and told beyond the all doubt the it is over between you forever....he would HAVE to come to terms with it. It's important to tell him your breakup is permanent,that you will never go back to him. This is harsh at first for the guy,but in the long run it is much more humane. A lot of women make the mistake of being ambiguous when they break up.They talk about "space",but a lot of men don't know what that means. This often leads men to delude themselves about the breakup,thinking that is only temporary, or that they can win her back by trying harder. Of course,you know this isn't the case,but men often don't realize this. The hardest part of breaking up for men is letting go! The sooner a man sees that it is truly over,the sooner he can start to move on.If he feels in any way he still has chance of making it work,he'll keep trying to get the woman back! So,by not being clear about the breakup at the beginning,women often end up making men suffer longer,because men will try to hold on if they can. It's a guy thing. Break up with him gently but firmly.Tell him simply you care for him as a person but you are not in love with him. Let him cry and sob.It's painful to watch but it's a part of life.In time,he will get over you. Trust me he will.And remember,let him know it's over for good so he can start over sooner.

[Susan]

Thanks Tony - I have got problems with hair on and I loved the way you talked about the photo being absorbed into the ground alongside his mom. I mean at the end of the day you are right - she is gone. I'm just a very emotional person which makes me absorb everything that is going on to my very core and sometimes I feel responsible to everyone with a need. It's like I cant drop this relationship until I know the other person will be OK but he's never going to feel good about it. I quit my job last week working for The Walt Disney Company - I've worked really hard for nothing and who really cares about the demographic for Dinosaur!!!! God how immensely boring. Why am I telling you this? Because my whole focus on my life is shifting and my relationship is just another thing in my life that I'm trying to close. This is goddamn hard but your words help. Thanks alot:)

 

Susan

You have got problems with hair on them.

 

To live your life through guilt is to give yourself a death sentence at the outset. GET AWAY FROM THIS GUY AT YOUR SOONEST OPPORTUNITY.

 

Just because some dying person sees you with her son and there's a picture of the two of you in her coffin does not mean you have to be with the guy forever. Why in heaven's name did you permit this??????? You were not married to her son??????? And she cannot see anyway. She should have taken a picture of her children and her husband if she thought she would gain consciousness and have adequate lighting in her grave at some point.

 

This woman is DEAD. If you would like, you can have her exumed and replace your picture with mine. Having my picture next to a dead person doesn't bother me a bit. What if you had been at her deathbed with your brother. Would that mean you would have to live with your brother the rest of your life. I think a few therapy sessions will do wonders for you. Or just go out and buy Albert Ellis' book, "How to Practically Never Upset Yourself About Anything." If your guy knows the reasons you are hanging around in a relationship with him and keeps you there, he is a no good, low life, scum bag, classless jerk and he should have never been born. Get a life, get some guts and stop being pushed around by the world. Start living your own life the way you want to and not the way some guy's dead mom wants you to. Stop feeling guilty because your picture with a guy is in his mom's coffin six feet under the ground where it will one day decay and blend in with the dirt. Your ability to guilt manipulate yourself is so bizarre. I hope you will get some help TODAY!!! You are wasting the best days of your only life on this planet. And leave this guy IMMEDIATELY and let him know just how pissed off you are that he has kept you around under such circumstances...or let him know how mad you are at yourself for allowing yourself to be guilt manipulated. Work on this guilt thing. It is a mostly totally worthless emotion that can be extremely destructive. Obey the law, be good to people, be GREAT to yourself, and you won't need guilt.

 

That you have stayed around so long in this situations out of guilt makes me so angry and sick and mad as hell at your boyfriend. He just has to know and he is a slimebag.

[Tony T]

You have no idea how happy I am.

 

I don't think my words did it, you made the decision. But you have made a decision to free yourself from being manipulated by a world of sleeze and vermin who prey upon those who can be manipulated by guilt.

 

By taking charge of your life and living it the way YOU want to and not the way others guilt you into living it, you have gained back years for your own life that you would have given up to others.

 

I will breathe easier today.

 

Thank you for your kind words, although I may have been a little harsh on you (for which I am often criticised), you seem to have received my message in the way in was intended.

 

I AM SSSSOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!

[Heather]

If all or most guys really feel the way that you have said then maybe men and women are alike in some ways. The way you described the way men feel when they go through a break up just made me want to call my fiance' (we are both working right now). There has been many times when we have gotten into a fight and broken up for a day, a couple days, or whatever and I just felt like he doesn't care WHY doesn't he care? I know that he did care just didn't show it! (I guess we wouldn't still be together if he didn't also) Why is that men don't show thier emotions like us women. I am a crybaby when him and I fight. Sorry for this long response I just never knew that guys feel that way since I have never seen it in action. I guess you learn something knew everyday.

 

Heather

Why not simply say "I'm miserable.I can't stay with you just because I don't want to hurt you. I want to move on. Please let me go." Break up of long term relationships are MUCH harder on me than women.What he went through is what most of guys go through when it happens. We go through this awful feeling of loneliness and despair. WE guys feel that the loss will never be replaced,and that we will never find anyone else or be happy ever again. Guys tend to feel like life is S***T ,and go about moping and depressed for days.A whole lot of sobbing and crying go on too for some guys,but usually in private. But the truth is break-ups MUST happen,and we DO eventually find other people to love and we DO eventually get over it.If you broke up with your boyfriend now, he would do all these things that I talked about. But if you broke with him,and told beyond the all doubt the it is over between you forever....he would HAVE to come to terms with it. It's important to tell him your breakup is permanent,that you will never go back to him. This is harsh at first for the guy,but in the long run it is much more humane. A lot of women make the mistake of being ambiguous when they break up.They talk about "space",but a lot of men don't know what that means. This often leads men to delude themselves about the breakup,thinking that is only temporary, or that they can win her back by trying harder. Of course,you know this isn't the case,but men often don't realize this. The hardest part of breaking up for men is letting go! The sooner a man sees that it is truly over,the sooner he can start to move on.If he feels in any way he still has chance of making it work,he'll keep trying to get the woman back! So,by not being clear about the breakup at the beginning,women often end up making men suffer longer,because men will try to hold on if they can. It's a guy thing. Break up with him gently but firmly.Tell him simply you care for him as a person but you are not in love with him. Let him cry and sob.It's painful to watch but it's a part of life.In time,he will get over you. Trust me he will.And remember,let him know it's over for good so he can start over sooner.