lostboy11 Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 I have a female friend who was a former co-worker and has a long term BF. When we worked together I felt there was a connection. We shared a lot of frustrations and had a lot in common. We used to go to lunch often, sometimes at her suggestion and she would often express major frustrations with her BF. While we were working together, we would sometimes go for drinks, just the two of us. She moved on from my company about 8 months ago leaving me really missing her. It's not something I was really aware of right away but I guess I have developed romantic feelings for her since she left. I haven't seen her much over the past 8 months, but we have stayed in touch by phone, text and email here and there. She always responds when I text or email and has often initiated. I met up for drinks with her over the holidays at a bar near her office which is a good 1/2 hr from where I live and work and both had an absolutely great time. After a couple of weeks, I asked her when we were going to go get a drink again and set up a time to meet up near her office. She seemed excited. She emailed me the day we were supposed to meet up to express how she hoped I was still showing up. I responded enthusiastically that I wouldn't miss it. She was a bit late, I was a tad early and I ended up drinking a little too much before she even arrived. Everything started off well. We were engaging each other, the conversation was flowing nicely and she was interested in what I was saying etc. Then I recall getting extremely drunk very quickly. I think I then said or did something that upset her after her BF texted her a few times. I just remember the beginnings of my true feelings coming out somehow, and then, maybe she got up and said she had to go, but I just can't recall actually saying goodbye to her. Next thing I know, I'm in an alley alone puking my guts out. On my phone are a couple of texts that apparently I did not send but I can't be sure. I certainly had tried to send them earlier in a total state of inebriation but there were little red exclamation points that seem to say the send failed. Needless to say, they were along the lines of a booty call to her. Still half drunk, I was already mortified and quickly attempted to delete the apparently unsent texts assuming they had not already done the damage. I'm afraid they probably were sent but I can't be sure as I was still drunk while trying to delete them. Too embarrassed to talk to her the next day, I sent a pretty innocuous text thanking her for the drinks, but letting her know I just can't remember exactly what happened after a certain point and lightly apologizing for overdoing it. After getting no response from her all day, I started feeling like something was definitely wrong. I then wrote a long, apologetic email last night assuming I had done something inappropriate and letting her know I was sorry for getting so drunk and whatever that might have led to. Knowing that I probably revealed my feelings for her anyway during my drunkenness, I reiterated that I have missed her but that I never meant to compromise the friendship. The email left it open for her to respond. I know she's probably out having a great three day weekend, but it's not like her to just not respond. Long apologetic, rambling email aside, who knows what could have transpired during my drunken stupor. This is not something I do and I feel like a complete moron. I have not gotten that drunk since college more than 10 years ago. Still, I would hope that if she ever valued me as a friend, which I'm almost positive she has, she will give me another chance. I don't plan to do anything further because I've probably sufficiently freaked her out already with the text and email. If she wants to get in touch, I've made it clear I value her friendship and would like it to continue. I just feel like she probably wants nothing to do with me. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
bdbmwer Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I think you about summed it up. theres not much more you can do youve left the ball in her court so the only thing left to do is wait Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Let the dust settle. It's not how you fall but how you land that matters. We all succumb to drunken nonsense at some time or another. As for true feelings, all feelings are true. You like her, you have a bit of a soft-spot for her, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's what you do that matters. You sound respectful, so a minor cock up like this ought not to be the end of the world. Maybe, also, you need to let off a bit of steam and the drink helped you do that. Could be a good time to step back, emotionally, from the situation and consider what's best for you? You'd take things further, if the conditions were right, right? No sweat. Accept how you feel and do some other stuff you enjoy in the meantime. Give it a month or so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I think you about summed it up. theres not much more you can do youve left the ball in her court so the only thing left to do is wait Yup this is it. It's up to her now. You went into this knowing she had a boyfriend and opened up your heart to her.. She may feel betrayed and irked that you crossed that line and maybe it ruined the friendship. Question is, how you each view the friendship. To her it may be casual and light, (not saying meaningless, but easy to let go of, she didn't invest in it emotionally) where as to you, you let yourself get close and invested in the friendship, and into her. Time will tell.. In the meantime, keep busy and try not to let this upset you too much. Fact still is, she has a boyfriend and she may not feel comfortable getting friendly with a guy who has feelings for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboy11 Posted January 25, 2012 Author Share Posted January 25, 2012 Thank you all for the responses. Sadly, I haven't gotten any response from her for over a week after the text and email. I don't feel comfortable calling, but I may do so at some point in the distant future just to bury the hatchet. Probably not. I just don't know if it's worth it. I think a real friend would have cut me some slack, at least SOME slack and at least acknowledged my efforts to apologize, but no... Ah well. I guess there's nothing more to be done and the friendship is looking more and more like it wasn't what I thought it was. So it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted January 25, 2012 Share Posted January 25, 2012 Well, if you are romantically into a girl with a BF, perhaps its for the best that she doesn't respond. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboy11 Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 Well, if you are romantically into a girl with a BF, perhaps its for the best that she doesn't respond. Perhaps, but I think we could still be friends if she could forgive my slip up. Is it fair for her to disown my existence because of one slip up albeit a pretty big one? Maybe. I'm thinking in her heart of hearts she must have known there was a possibility I had feelings for her, even before the incident. Maybe she just sees it as obviously dangerous now whereas before she could have denied anything beyond platonic to her BF. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboy11 Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 One thing is clear to me from the lack of response. She doesn't care nearly as much as I thought she did. That hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 Try and think rationally. You made a pass at her and she hasn't contacted you since. Maybe she wants to protect her relationship with her boyfriend. You can't fault her for that, can you? If she was your girlfriend, that's what you'd hope she would do if someone else hit on her, right? Chalk it up to experience. At least you're not in the agonising position of having feelings for someone but holding them back any more. Now you can go and meet other women and get closer to finding someone who does want to be with you Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 I think you want to know what happened (in detail), and if you do, you need to ask her. She was the only one who was there while you were making a fool out of yourself. Why did you get drunk for the first time after 10 years? Didyou drive like that for 1/2 hour, too? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboy11 Posted January 28, 2012 Author Share Posted January 28, 2012 I was stressed out,ready to cut loose and apparently to tell her something about how I felt. Probably a perfect storm of events for me to get drunk and make a fool of myself. Obviously there's no excuse for that kind of behavior though. I was sitting in an alley sobering up for some time so I was not "like that" while driving back. I don't know if I even made a pass at her, but I guess there's a good possibility of it and maybe more. The apologetic email I sent is all I know I did for sure. That wasn't a pass, just a plea to still be friends. I'm not saying I wasn't a fool here. Just looking for some understanding and support. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 Obviously there's no excuse for that kind of behavior though. Well, the booze is the excuse. It's also other people's excuse to think low of us when we get drunk and do stupid things. The apologetic email I sent is all I know I did for sure. That wasn't a pass, just a plea to still be friends. I don't think there's anything more you can do, considering she's just a friend. Let her sleep on it, then try again later. I'm not saying I wasn't a fool here. Just looking for some understanding and support. You have my understanding and support - more than you know! Unfortunately, not hers. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 She was treating you like a boyfriend. Had you both been single this type of thing would have screwed it up to you. Girls think guys who can't hold their drink are losers. Just don't get this drunk again. Although I myself have gotten this drunk to where I'm in some back alley throwing up and trying desperatly to sober up. Just don't make a habit of it! I think had you not done this you'd be on sex track still. I don't like the way she's cheating on her bf with you. I mean unless they have such an open relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboy11 Posted January 28, 2012 Author Share Posted January 28, 2012 Well, the booze is the excuse. It's also other people's excuse to think low of us when we get drunk and do stupid things. I don't think there's anything more you can do, considering she's just a friend. Let her sleep on it, then try again later. You have my understanding and support - more than you know! Unfortunately, not hers. Thanks for the support. You're right on all fronts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboy11 Posted January 28, 2012 Author Share Posted January 28, 2012 She was treating you like a boyfriend. Had you both been single this type of thing would have screwed it up to you. Girls think guys who can't hold their drink are losers. Just don't get this drunk again. Although I myself have gotten this drunk to where I'm in some back alley throwing up and trying desperatly to sober up. Just don't make a habit of it! I think had you not done this you'd be on sex track still. I don't like the way she's cheating on her bf with you. I mean unless they have such an open relationship... I think you're on to something. From what I can remember, her BF started texting her a few times. I was already pretty drunk and started in on asking her if he was okay with her being out at which point I sensed her getting uncomfortable. I remember her kind of tersely saying, "it's fine" but clearly it wasn't. I don't remember much after that. Maybe my comments made her feel guilty, I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 Maybe you blacked out because what happened next traumatised you. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted January 29, 2012 Share Posted January 29, 2012 Maybe you blacked out because what happened next traumatised you.Maybe she raped him! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboy11 Posted February 1, 2012 Author Share Posted February 1, 2012 Maybe she raped him! I think she still liked me before I started slurring like a loser and blacked out, so maybe. Anything's possible. I doubt it though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboy11 Posted February 1, 2012 Author Share Posted February 1, 2012 So as of a week ago, she was still on my FB friends list. I checked FB today and she's gone. Her name doesn't even come up in a search. So apparently, rather than even type a one word response to my heartfelt apology for whatever I might have done (but am really not sure about), she decides the proper course of action is to delete me on FB. Wow. That's nice. I either REALLY f-ed up somehow or she's just not comfortable knowing how I feel, or maybe both. I feel terribly. Link to post Share on other sites
VanHalen Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Hey! Any news about your "friend" yet?? Ok, these are my thoughts: I think that at some point, something like this would have eventually happened. You liked her more than a friend and your feelings would have come through one way or the other. Maybe it wasn't the best of ways, but now she knows how you feel. Actually, I think that this happened for the best. The relationship was unbalanced because she thought of you as a friend and clearly you had something else in mind. Of course that the best way would have been you telling her that you liked her while being sober and talking it out with her. If that "friendship" kept going for much longer, you would have fallen in love harder and harder and your heartbreak would have been worse. I think that you "pulled the band aid" at the right time. If she didn't answer your email is because she is/was upset with you. If she didn't care, she would have answered something. Maybe she is still processing what happened. I don't want to get your hopes up because this may not happen, but I think she will contact you eventually. Don't call her, don't email her again, you already said you were sorry. There's nothing much you can do right now. Just hang in there and thank God that you can now meet other girls that are single and ready to be in a relationship with you! Keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboy11 Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 Hey! Any news about your "friend" yet?? Ok, these are my thoughts: I think that at some point, something like this would have eventually happened. You liked her more than a friend and your feelings would have come through one way or the other. Maybe it wasn't the best of ways, but now she knows how you feel. Actually, I think that this happened for the best. The relationship was unbalanced because she thought of you as a friend and clearly you had something else in mind. Of course that the best way would have been you telling her that you liked her while being sober and talking it out with her. If that "friendship" kept going for much longer, you would have fallen in love harder and harder and your heartbreak would have been worse. I think that you "pulled the band aid" at the right time. If she didn't answer your email is because she is/was upset with you. If she didn't care, she would have answered something. Maybe she is still processing what happened. I don't want to get your hopes up because this may not happen, but I think she will contact you eventually. Don't call her, don't email her again, you already said you were sorry. There's nothing much you can do right now. Just hang in there and thank God that you can now meet other girls that are single and ready to be in a relationship with you! Keep us posted! Thanks a lot for the insight. It is truly appreciated. I have not heard from her and have not contacted her since the email and text I sent the day after about a month ago now. I don't know if you read above, but I am pretty sure she also deleted me from Facebook a couple of weeks ago (not immediately after the incident though). I understand not getting hopes up, but I certainly value her enough to hold out some hope of hearing from her. I am not going to be unreastic though. I will try to let everyone know if anything develops. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I don't know. It doesn't sound like you were really "friends" as much as good work buddies (which still sometimes continues once one of you leaves your place of employment, but is usually limited to dinners/drinks/commiserating/reminiscing...but not "real" friendship). In that case, crossing the line you did probably made her too uncomfortable to continue her work-buddy-ship with you. Link to post Share on other sites
wettry Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 maybe wait some day, she will reply you. it will be ok. donot worry about it Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostboy11 Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 I don't know. It doesn't sound like you were really "friends" as much as good work buddies (which still sometimes continues once one of you leaves your place of employment, but is usually limited to dinners/drinks/commiserating/reminiscing...but not "real" friendship). In that case, crossing the line you did probably made her too uncomfortable to continue her work-buddy-ship with you. You could very well be correct. I think you may be right. Link to post Share on other sites
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