How do you keep jealousy from ruining your relationship?

[CurlyIam]

Don't panic, don't call. Not yet.

 

On Thursday you can send him a nice message telling him what a difficult you'he had and that you'd love to have a treat ... like a pizza or a film together.

 

It is good to wait, and you're making points for:

 

A. being casual about not having met 2 weeks

B. wanting to meet him

C. giving him a sign in that direction

 

Try not to be too angry or too disapointed . You seemed awfully caught by this romance, take the time to ... cool down your feelings and your thoughts.

 

And if this doesn't work, at least you know you've tried!

[MsLandon]

Thanks for the advice. I'd already resigned myself not to call him, and I doubt that I'll call or email on Thursday if he hasn't.

 

What's weird is that I don't necessarily have an overwhelming emotional investment in all of this, but this guy is my friend, his reaction confused me - I've never experienced anything like this, and I suppose it's the lack of clarity I had.

 

I'd decided that HE has to be the one to call. I don't know if that's wrong or selfish of me...but I feel this way because I think that the issue here is him. I don't think that it has very much to do with me at all. I know that he cares about me, I know what we feel/share with each other - but I also know that as he mentioned, he has an abandonment issue. I think that the fear of closeness we've shared together given our friendship and now our romantic development is effecting him - but by the same token, I think that HE has to make the choice to move forward despite it -- or not. Calling him and emailing him feels like rushing him to me. And I'm all about NOT pressuring - because I get stubborn when I feel someone is trying to pressure me. He's never told me that he doesn't want to see me nor has he made me feel that way when we are together. I don't feel as though I've done anything wrong. Lastly I don't feel like I won't be able to cope or would be heartbroken if things don't work out. I suppose, again, it's the flux and not really understanding that fear that has captivated my thoughts. That lack of clarity has made me crazy and to an extent lack of control too. I'm a person who needs a clear direction, I make decisions pretty quickly and rationally and offer and feel most comfortable in stable situations. So once I understood what was going on with him, it was still difficult for me to understand the emotional thing he's going through. In my mind it's like, feel, move on and if you get hurt in the process - let go of the pain and take hold of the lesson . But I know that we are all different and unique and our live experiences are so vastly different so all I can do is respect what he's feeling while and respectfully allow him to go through the process. Right?

[Unlucky In Love]

Hi,

 

I'm been reading about your saga and I think you need to calm down. Have you considered seeing your doctor to get some paxcel or zoloft. It sounds to me like you are a little bit obsessive-compulsive.

 

I was in the same boat as you last year in a relationship. Everything was going great and my bf gave me roses from his rose garden every week. Then I started becoming jealous of his female friends and worried that he would cheat on me. He had never cheated on any of his girlfriends in the past.

 

One evening the worst happened. I came to his house to meet him because we were going out for dinner. One of his female buddies showed up unannounced. We all sat down and my bf told me he wanted me to meet "Crystal" his ski buddy. I didn't show my anger and jealousy in front of her, but after she left, I let my bf have it.

 

We stayed together another 6 months and he never invited another girl over.

 

Unless you actually see women dropping by or your bf's phone ringing 24-7 with girls calling, I wouldn't worry about it.

 

You need to relax a little bit and stop worrying. It sounds let you've met a wonderful person.

[MsLandon]

Originally posted by Unlucky In Love

Hi,

 

I'm been reading about your saga and I think you need to calm down. Have you considered seeing your doctor to get some paxcel or zoloft. It sounds to me like you are a little bit obsessive-compulsive.

 

 

Ok,did you just call me crazy? laughing.

 

I'll do my best to calm down and I do thank you for sharing your story. proved a great point.

[CurlyIam]

Whoow, wait a minute there Miss.

 

Don't take it personal! The "not calling" business is like a vicious cercle: the longer you wait, the more guilty you feel and the less likely you are actually make the call!

 

It's good you know what you want and what you need. IMO we rarely get any of it. We simply experiece things, meet people, take action and interract. The rest is up to us, what we do with those. How we feed our needs with this, how we chose our partner,how and if we choose to be happy.

 

I know he's been your friend, but turn this into an advantage not a weakness! Just don't let pride get in the way.

 

Contacting him in 2 weeks in NOT pressure. Not even close. I mean he's been calling you each time to set a date. What if he's testing you ?

 

Don't make a big deal of these 2 weeks. You've found eachother and are having a great time together, date or not! I think if you try to change your attitude, you'll pass through this much easier, with or without a relationship.

 

 

 

If you want a relationship with this man, you have to be ok with your trying harder in this relationship. At least in the beginning. There are a lot of people who think this is a bad way of starting a relationship. I say one risks much more in day to day life. If you're not ok with this aspect, than not contacting him is the best solution for you.

 

What if there is a logical explination behind it?

 

 

IMHO you risk absolutely nothing by calling him - or sending him an SMS, email, etc. If you're not ok with his attitude afterwords, you can always cancel, have a "grandma" very sick in a hospital or something ... Think about your ego taking rejection from this man compared to you having a shot at him...

 

You've still got a few days of thinking to do.

[MsLandon]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

Whoow, wait a minute there Miss.

 

Don't take it personal! The "not calling" business is like a vicious cercle: the longer you wait, the more guilty you feel and the less likely you are actually make the call!

 

It's good you know what you want and what you need. IMO we rarely get any of it. We simply experiece things, meet people, take action and interract. The rest is up to us, what we do with those. How we feed our needs with this, how we chose our partner,how and if we choose to be happy.

 

I know he's been your friend, but turn this into an advantage not a weakness! Just don't let pride get in the way.

 

Contacting him in 2 weeks in NOT pressure. Not even close. I mean he's been calling you each time to set a date. What if he's testing you ?

 

Don't make a big deal of these 2 weeks. You've found eachother and are having a great time together, date or not! I think if you try to change your attitude, you'll pass through this much easier, with or without a relationship.

 

 

 

If you want a relationship with this man, you have to be ok with your trying harder in this relationship. At least in the beginning. There are a lot of people who think this is a bad way of starting a relationship. I say one risks much more in day to day life. If you're not ok with this aspect, than not contacting him is the best solution for you.

 

What if there is a logical explination behind it?

 

 

IMHO you risk absolutely nothing by calling him - or sending him an SMS, email, etc. If you're not ok with his attitude afterwords, you can always cancel, have a "grandma" very sick in a hospital or something ... Think about your ego taking rejection from this man compared to you having a shot at him...

 

You've still got a few days of thinking to do.

 

You have made some very good points. To an extent the fact that I might have to be the one "trying harder" in the beginning is very difficult to come to terms with. I typically am not the person to do this and one of my "issues" is the fact that I'd rather throw in the town than to deal with a person who I can't understand. It's happened in the past. It's almost like being non-confrontational, but it's like, I'm not a "tryer" sometimes. And yes, I think that's because I don't want to get hurt either.

 

You were accurate when you talked about pride too. I think that's an issue here for me. But what's also an issue is "fear." What if I call and he doesn't call back? I did call him last Monday and didn't receive a call back, although I'm sure that could be for any reason. I certainly didn't do anything and just days before we had that spectacular date that left us both glowing.

 

 

But then I feel like, what if something did change? Then I feel like I'd be stupid to call him. I don't know.

 

A friend of mine and I were talking and she'd had a situation with a guy where they were intimate and he didn't call her for a month. He has a lot of issues going on. He'd been trying to find a better job. He was a marketing director who was laid off about 2 years ago and hasn't been able to find the same level of employment or anything like it. He finally took a job at The FootLocker as a sales person to suppliment his savings which he'd been living off of. Anyway a job opportunity came up the day after they were together and he read through their materials and interviewed and didn't get the job. But a month later he finally called her -- i guess when he was ready to deal with her. I know it may sound like I'm going off point here, but I was thinking that perhaps I should be prepared to wait it out until he calls me - of course because of pride and fear; but also because maybe he just needs time to miss me and decide whether he's ready to take some risks. But at the same time, it doesn't sound like I'm taking any. Now I'm more confused than ever.