Best Friend in Abusive Relationship

[bandits]

This is a long story so I'll try to sum it up as briefly as I can. My best friend has been in an abusive relationship for three years. He used to beat her, tried to kill her - everything scary and physical. Then they had a kid and he stopped being violent toward her, but he continued with verbal/emotional abuse. Somewhere between their child being born and the abuse he went to anger managment and took meds and that's what helped I guess.

 

So now and then she tells me things about how he's being mean. He doesn't take his meds anymore and hasn't for a long time. She doesn't tell me much, but sometimes I hear that he told her she was fat or something else mean he says. And that sometimes he yells at the kid (who is 1).

 

I have offered that she can stay with me if she needs to. She knows I think she should leave him. I've told her that it's easier to leave now while the child is still young enough that he won't know what's going on if they split, etc. And before it's too late. But she won't do it.

 

So just now I have found out a whole lot that she hasn't been telling me. We are exremely close, mind you, we tell each other absolutely everything, and yet tonight I've found out a huge black mass of things she never has told me.

 

Such as: he gets in the baby's face and screams that he hates him, wishes they'd aborted him, etc. Everyday. He's smacked him hard. He calls her horrible names and says stuff about her weight daily.

 

I haven't witnessed any of this but I saw enough of his yelling and anger myself. I told her again to leave and everything I come up with she's like 'no I can't live with someone else' or 'he just needs meds.' She's worried she'll lose me because of him but I said I'd never leave her. And I won't.

 

I feel like I have to do something about this. It hurts me deeply. I know it's not my life it's hers and her decision to make, I feel I'm doing all I can do to help her, but she stays. I'd do anything to get her out of there.

 

Anyone been in a similar situation? Either a friend or yourself? What made you or they leave? I'm even wondering if there is just some psychology tips I could try...just say the right thing that will make something click in her mind. I try to build up her esteem as I know that must have a lot to do with this but I don't know how much it is helping yet.

 

Please help. I'm turning here because I don't know what to do and I thought maybe I could find some sound advice. Thanks.

[Lucky_One]

This is a really difficult situation to be in. And one that is nearly impossible to advise about online. But here are some things to look at, to give you some guidance.

 

http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/how-to-help-a-friend-who-is-being-abused/

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/09/relationship-violence_n_859309.html

 

http://www.foh.dhhs.gov/NYCU/domesticviolence2.asp

I would also strongly suggest that you contact your local DV shelter. Find out exactly what is available in your location and how your friend can access help there; program the number in your phone in case you need to give it to her in an emergency situation. The people there have heard EVERYTHING imaginable, so the story you tell will be terribly familiar to them, and they WANT to help you and your friend.

 

Good luck. And please, don't give up on her.

[USMCHokie]

This might sound awful, but I have absolutely zero sympathy for anyone in an abusive relationship, even if it was a friend.

[Star Gazer]

This might sound awful, but I have absolutely zero sympathy for anyone in an abusive relationship, even if it was a friend.

 

Awful indeed.

[USMCHokie]

Awful indeed.

 

Contributory negligence...

[bandits]

Thanks for the links, lucky_one.

 

I have been careful not to say anything to push her away, and I think she realizes I'm here for her no matter what.

 

She says he's been a lot better since then, to both of them, so I'm glad for that but I still wish she'd leave. It is a tough situation to be in and I'm only trying to help. I realize it is impossible to advise on but I thought I'd take a shot and ask because I was really upset that night. I now feel like they arent in danger at least, so it doesn't seem as grim as it did. Still doing my best to help.

[FitChick]

Try talking her into giving the baby up for adoption. She seems to care more about the sperm donor than the sperm result so she might do it. Might even be better to tell the sperm donor that because he would probably be quite happy to and would influence her. Otherwise, call Child Protective Services so they can put the kid into a foster home.